Chapter 134

This poor bloke went to hospital for a circumcision but, because of some fuck up during the operation, he ended up having a complete sex change. All the doctors and nurses had gathered around his bed as he was waking up so they could give him the bad news. Naturally, the poor bloke went to pieces and started crying when they explained what had happened to him. “Shit!” he moaned “this means I’ll never be able to experience an erection ever again!” “Of course you will” one of the doctors soothed. It’ll just have to be someone else’s, that’s all”.

A guy is driving out in the middle of nowhere, very lost. Finally he spots two houses so he goes up to the first house and looks in the door way. He sees an old lady yanking on her boobs and an old man jerking off. He is so freaked out that he goes to the next house and says “What’s up with your neighbours?” and the owner of the house says “Oh that’s the Robinson’s, they’re both deaf. She’s telling him to go milk the cow and he’s telling her to go fuck herself!”

An out of work actor gets a call from his agent one day. “I’ve got you a job” says the agent. “That’s great!” says the actor “What is it?” “Well” says the agent “it’s a one-liner” “That’s okay” replies the actor “I’ve been out of work for so long I’ll take anything. What’s the line?” “Hark I hear the cannons roar” says the agent. “Hark I hear the cannons roar?” the actor questions. “Yes, Hark I hear the cannons roar” confirms the agent. “I love it” says the actor “When’s the audition?” “Wednesday” says the agent.

Wednesday comes and the actor arrives at the audition. He marches on stage and shouts: “Hark I hear the cannons roar!” “Brilliant” says the director “You’ve got the job. Be here 9 o’clock tomorrow evening”.

The actor is so ecstatic he got the job that he leaves and heads straight to his favourite pub and goes on a major bender. One thing leads to another and next thing he knows its 8.30pm the next night - half an hour until show time! He runs to the theatre continually repeating his line: “Hark I hear the cannons roar! Hark I hear the cannons roar! Hark I hear the cannons roar!”

He arrives at the stage entrance, out of breath and is stopped by a production assistant. “Who the hell are you?” asks the assistant. “I’m ‘Hark I hear the cannons roar’” “You’re ‘Hark I hear the cannons roar’?” “Yes, I’m ‘Hark I hear the cannons roar’” “You’re late! Get up to makeup straight away!”

So he runs up to makeup continually repeating his line: “Hark I hear the cannons roar! Hark I hear the cannons roar! Hark I hear the cannons roar”.

“Who the hell are you?” asks the makeup girl. “I’m ‘Hark I hear the cannons roar’” “You’re ‘Hark I hear the cannons roar’?” “Yes, I’m ‘Hark I hear the cannons roar’” “You’re late! Sit down here” and she quickly begins applying the makeup. “Now quick! Get down to the stage, you’re about to go on!”