Chapter 123

Thank Gary H for this one:

On their 50th anniversary, a wife found the negligee she wore on her wedding night and put it on.

She went to her husband, a retired Army Sergeant Major, and asked, “Honey, do you remember this?”

He looked up from his newspaper and said; “Yes dear, I do. You wore that same negligee the night we were married”

She said, “Yes, that’s right. Do you remember what you said to me that night?”

He nodded and said “Yes dear, I said; ‘Oh baby, I’m going to suck the life out of those boobs and screw your brains out.”

She giggled and said; “That’s exactly what you said. So now it’s fifty years later, and I’m in the same negligee. What do you have to say tonight?”

He looked her up and down and said, “Mission Accomplished.”

One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny trail, and he tripped over a large snake and fell, KerPlop!, right on his twitchy little nose. ‘Oh, please excuse me!’ said the bunny. ‘I didn’t me an to trip over you, but I’m blind and can’t see.’

‘That’s perfectly all right,’ replied the snake. ‘To be sure, it was my fault. I didn’t me an to trip you, but I’m blind too, and I didn’t see you coming. By the way, what kind of animal are you?’

‘Well, I really don’t know,’ said the bunny. ‘I’m blind, and

I’ve never seen myself. Maybe you could examine me and find out.’

So the snake felt the bunny all over, and he said, ‘Well, you’re soft, and cuddly, and you have long silky ears, and a little fluffy tail and a dear twitchy little nose ... You must be a bunny rabbit!’

Then he said, ‘I can’t thank you enough. But by the way, what kind of animal are you?’

The snake replied that he didn’t know, and the bunny agreed to examine him, and when the bunny was finished, the snake said, ‘Well, what kind of an animal am I?’

So the bunny had felt the snake all over, and he replied,

‘You’re hard, you’re cold, you’re slimy, and you haven’t got any balls ... You must be a politician.’

Haircut

(Blessed are those who can give without remembering ... and take without forgetting.)

One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, ‘I cannot accept money from you; I’m doing community service this week. The florist was pleased and left the shop.

When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a ‘thank you’ card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a cop came in for a haircut, and when he tried to pay his bill, the barber again replied, ‘I cannot accept money from you; I’m doing community service this week. The cop was happy and left the shop.

The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a ‘thank you’ card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

Then a Senator came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, ‘I cannot accept money from you; I’m doing community service this week.’ The Senator was very happy and left the shop.

The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen Senators lined up waiting for a free haircut.

And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.

As Ronald Reagan said: BOTH POLITICIANS AND DIAPERS NEED TO BE CHANGED OFTEN ... AND FOR THE SAME REASON!

OLD people have problems that you haven’t even considered yet!

An 80-year-old man was requested by his Doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, ‘Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.’

The next day the 80-year-old man reappeared at the doctor’s office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, ‘Well, doc, it’s like this -- first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.

‘Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.

‘We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin’ it between her knees, but still nothing... ‘

The doctor was shocked!

‘You asked your neighbour?’

The old man replied, ‘Yep, none of us could get the lid open.’