Chapter 122

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Trump Jokes

In a recent survey, 70% of Americans responded that Donald Trump becoming president has made them nervous.

The other 30% said it will make them Canadians.

Donald Trump has announced that now he’s president, he’s going to put a wig on the Presidential plane and call it Hair Force One.

Donald Trump becoming President isn’t the first time he’s kicked a black family out of their home.

I just found out Donald Trump ran for President as a Republican.
I thought he ran as a joke.

Do you want to hear a racist joke?
Donald Trump.

What do a thong and Donald Trump’s hair have in common?
They both barely cover an asshole.

What’s Donald Trump’s favorite chewing gum?
Bigly Chew.

Donald Trump steps out onto the White House lawn in the dead of winter. Right in front of him, on the White House lawn, he sees “Donald Trump sucks!” written in urine across the snow.

Well, he’s pretty annoyed about this so he storms into his security staff’s headquarters, and yells, “Somebody wrote an insult in the snow on the front damn lawn! And they wrote it in urine! Whoever did it had to be standing right on the porch when he did it! Where were you guys?!”

The security guys stay silent and stare ashamedly at the floor.

Trump hollers, “Well dammit, don’t just sit there! Get out and find out who did it! I want an answer, and I want it tonight!”

The entire staff immediately jump up and race for the exits.

Later that evening, his chief security officer approaches him and says, “Well Mr. President, we have some bad news and we have some really bad news. Which do you want first?”

Trump says, “Give me the bad news first.”

The officer says, “Well, we took a sample of the urine and tested it. The results just came back, and it was Mike Pence’s urine.”

Trump says, “Oh my god, I feel so ... so ... betrayed! My own vice president! Damn ... Well, what’s the really bad news?”

The officer replies, “Well Mr. President, it’s Melania’s handwriting.”

Donald Trump calls Angela Merkel’s office.

Her secretary answers.

Trump asks, “What’s the time difference between Washington and Berlin?”

The secretary replies, “Just a second, Mr. President...”

Trump: “Thanks.”

A teacher asked her 6th grade class how many of them were Trump fans.

Not really knowing what a Trump fan is, but wanting to be liked by their teacher, all the kids raised their hands except for Little Johnny.

The teacher asked Little Johnny why he’d decided to be different ... again.

Little Johnny said, “Because I’m not a Trump fan.”

The teacher said, “Why aren’t you a fan of Trump?”

Johnny said, “Because I’m a Democrat.”

The teacher asked him why he was a Democrat.

Little Johnny answered, “Well, my Mom’s a Democrat and my Dad’s a Democrat, so I’m a Democrat.”

Annoyed by this answer, the teacher asked, “If your mom was a moron and your dad was an idiot, what would that make you?”

With a big smile, Little Johnny replied, “That would make me a Trump fan.”

I don’t see why people were outraged when Donald Trump said if Ivanka wasn’t his daughter, he’d be dating her.

After all, if Ivanka wasn’t Trump’s daughter, I’d date her too.

Trump said in his campaign that if I voted for Clinton, I would be stuck with a criminal president under constant federal investigation from day one.

Turns out, he was right.

I voted for Clinton and I’m stuck with a criminal president under federal investigation from day one.

People keep grouping all Trump supporters with these Nazi movements recently, which I disagree with and think is quite silly.

After all, the Russians fought against the Nazis.

What does the Trump administration use instead of emails?

Alternative fax.

The Pope and Donald Trump are on stage in front of a huge crowd.

The Pope leaned towards Trump and said, “Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, like that of your followers, but go deep into their hearts and for the rest of their lives whenever they speak of this day, they will rejoice!”

Trump replied, “I seriously doubt that. With one little wave of your hand? Show me!”

So the Pope slapped him.

A man died one day and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.

He asked, “What are all those clocks?”

St. Peter replied, “Those are lie clocks. Everyone on earth has a lie-clock. Every time you lie the hands on the clock will move.”

“Oh,” said the man as he pointed at one of them, “Whose clock is that?”

St. Peter replied, “That’s Mother Teresa’s. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie.”

“That’s incredible,” said the man.

St. Peter pointed to another clock, “That’s Abraham Lincoln’s clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe only told two lies in his entire life.”

The man was impressed, and then asked, “Where’s Donald Trump’s clock?”

St. Peter said, “His clock is in Jesus’ office. He’s using it as a ceiling fan.”

A Mexican kid meets Donald Trump and says to him, “I want to be President one day.”

Trump says, “Are you stupid? Are you an idiot? Out of your mind? Are you retarded?”

The kid replies, “You know what, I’ve changed my mind. Those are too many requirements.”

Donald Trump has decided to take just $1 as his salary for the job of the President instead of the usual 400,000.

That man would do just about anything to avoid paying the taxes.

What’s the difference between Russia and reality?

Trump had connections with Russia.

Donald Trump is not a sexual abuser.

He’s an alternative romantic.

Donald Trump has announced that now he’s President he’s going to ban the sale of pre-shredded cheese.

He wants to make America grate again.

There’s a term for presidents like Trump.

Probably not two terms though.

Obama, Hillary Clinton and Trump are standing at the throne of heaven. God looks at them and says, “Before granting you a place at my side, I must ask you what you have learned and what you believe in.”

God asks Obama first: “What do you believe?”

Obama thinks long and hard, looks God straight in the eye, and says, “I believe in hard work, and in staying true to family and friends. I believe in giving. I was lucky, but I always tried to do right by my countrymen.”

God can’t help but see the essential goodness of Obama, and offers him a seat to his left.

Then God turns to Clinton and says, “And what do you believe?”

Clinton ponders for a while and then says, “I believe passion, discipline, courage and honor are the fundamentals of life. Like Obama I believe in hard work. I, too, have been lucky, but win or lose, I’ve always tried to be a true patriot and a loyal American.”

God is greatly moved by Clinton’s eloquence, and he offers her a seat to his right.

Finally, God turns to Trump and says, “And you, Donald, what do you believe?”

Trump replies, “I believe you’re in my seat.”