Chapter 119

These are compliments of fmwarmac

A man was in a doctor’s office and the doctor walked in and said, “Ok what do you need today sir.”

The man pulled down his pants and showed the doctor his beat up, bruised, and bleeding penis.

The doctor said, “Damn how did you do that?”

The man said, “Well I live in a trailer, and every night I have noticed that the woman in the trailer next to mine at exactly 9:00pm, she moves her rug where there is a hole in the floor, she sticks a hot dog in the hole and masturbates with it.

“So one day I got an idea at 8:45pm I would go under her trailer and when she put the hot dog in the hole I would pull it out and stick my p.nis in the hole.

“So that night I did, and it was going great until someone knocked on the door and she tried to kick it under the oven!”

An old lady in a nursing home is wheeling up and down the halls in her wheelchair making sounds like she’s driving a car. As she’s going down the hall an old man jumps out of a room and says, “Excuse me ma’am but you were speeding. Can I see your driver’s license?”

She digs around in her purse a little, pulls out a candy wrapper, and hands it to him. He looks it over, gives her a warning and sends her on her way.

Up and down the halls she goes again. Again, the same old man jumps out of a room and says, “Excuse me ma’am but I saw you cross over the center line back there. Can I see your registration please?”

She digs around in her purse a little, pulls out a store receipt and hands it to him. He looks it over, gives her another warning and sends her on her way.

She zooms off again up and down the halls weaving all over. As she comes to the old man’s room again he jumps out. He’s stark naked and has an erection!

The old lady in the wheel chair looks up and says, “Oh no – not the Breathalyzer again!”

A brunette, a redhead and a blonde were all talking one day.

The redhead says, “Oh my gosh, I went in my daughters purse the other day and I found some weed. I can’t believe she smokes that stuff.”

Then the brunette says, “I found a fake I.D. in my daughters purse. I can’t believe she has a fake I.D.”

“Yeah, that’s nothing,” the blonde says. “I found a condom in my daughters purse. I just can’t believe my daughter has a penis.”

Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee in St. Peters Square, Rome.

The first Catholic man tells his friends, “My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him ‘Father’.”

The second Catholic man chirps, “My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him ‘Your Grace’.”

The third Catholic gent says, “My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone bows their head and says ‘Your Eminence’.”

The fourth Catholic man says very proudly, “My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him ‘Your Holiness’.”

Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, “Well... ?”

She proudly replies, “I have a daughter, Slim, Tall, 38D breasts, 24″ waist and 34” hips. When she walks into a room, people say, ‘My God!’”