Chapter 111

Stay thanks to St John‎ for this group...

It was the old days of the American west. A young man has left his home back east, to seek his fortune in the wide open spaces. He arrives in town, and sees the local saloon has a ‘HELP WANTED’ sign in the window.

He goes into the bar, and speaks to the owner, who sizes him up, and offers him the job. He adds this: “One thing. If you ever hear, ‘Big John’s a-comin’’, just get out of here as fast as you can!”

He works there for a few weeks, when one day, he’s cleaning the place, and there’s an incredible commotion outside. People are yelling, screaming “Big John’s a-comin! Big Jooooohn’s a-comin!”

As he’s trying to leave the bar, though, he’s knocked over by a massively huge man, riding an even bigger mountain lion, using a twelve foot rattlesnake for a whip! The man rides the mountain lion up to the bar, tosses the rattlesnake into the corner, and bellows out “Gimme a barrel of pickle juice!”

Our young hero goes into the store room and rolls out a barrel of pickle juice. The man rips the lid off with his teeth and drains it all in one gulp, and tops it off with a belch that rattles windows three towns away.

The young man meekly asks “Would you like another barrel of pickle juice?” “Ain’t got time!” comes the reply. “Big John’s a-comin’!”

An older, balding, white haired, duck hunter from Northern Minnesota, walked into a jewellery store this past Friday evening with a beautiful much younger gal at his side.

He told the jeweller he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweller looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.

The man said “No, I’d like to see something a little more special”.

At that statement, the jeweller went to his special stock and brought another ring over. “Here’s a stunning ring at only $40,000 the jeweller said.

The lady’s eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.

The old man seeing this said “We’ll take it”.

The jeweller asked how payment would be made and the man stated “By cheque. Now I know you need to make sure my cheque is good, so I’ll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I’ll pick the ring up Monday afternoon”.

On Monday morning, the jeweller angrily phoned the old man and said “There’s no money in that account!” “I know” said the old man “But let me tell you about MY GREAT WEEKEND!”

As an ultimate test of his will power, a man decided to give up sex for Lent. Although not thrilled with the idea, his wife agreed to support him in this effort. The first few weeks weren’t too difficult. Things got tougher during the next couple of weeks, so the wife wore her dowdiest nightclothes and chewed on garlic before going to bed. The last couple of weeks were extremely tough on the husband, so the wife took to locking the bedroom door and forcing the husband to sleep on the couch.

Easter morning finally came. A knock came on the wife’s bedroom door.

“KNOCK!!! KNOCK!!! KNOCK!!!”
Husband: “Guess who?”
Wife: “I know who it is!”
Husband: “Guess what I want?”
Wife: “I know what you want!”
Husband: “Guess what I’m knockin’ with?”