Chapter 110

These are compliments of R McFee‎

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs, on your porch? Matt.
What do you name a woman with one leg shorter than the other? Ilene.
What do you call an Asiatic woman, with one leg shorter than the other? Irene.
What do you call a man with no legs, no arms, in a vat of boiling water? Stew.
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs, affixed to your wall? Art.
What do you call a man with in the middle of the ocean, with no life jacket? Bob.
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs, in a pile of leaves? Rustle.
What do you call a woman with a cheesy pelvic discharge? Candida.
How does a dog, with a cleft palate, let you know that the mailman is here? He goes, “Mark! Mark! Mark!”

So, this guy goes to the talent agent, looking for his big break. He takes his dog, introducing him as a dog who can talk.

The agent is skeptical, and wants to see the duo in action.

The guy asks the dog, “What’s on the outside of a tree?”

The dog answers, “Bark!”

“What’s on top of a house”

The dog responds, “Roof!”

Again, “Who was the greatest baseball player of all time?”

The dog considers this, and replies, “Ruth!”

The agent has had enough, and chases them both into the street, shouting, “You charlatans! Fakers! Such bullshit! Don’t come back!”

The guy seats himself on a bench, disappointed. The dog curls in his lap, hangdog a look on his snout as can be imagined. Minutes pass, the guy sighs.

The dog looks up, and asks, “Do you think the agent was a fan of DiMaggio?”

Smoking, drinking, and unmarried sex God visited a woman and told her she must give up smoking, drinking and unmarried sex if she wants to get into heaven. The woman said she would try her best. God visited the woman a week later to see how she was getting on. “Not bad” said the woman, “I’ve given up smoking and drinking but then I bent over to get some stuff out of the freezer and my boyfriend caught sight of my long slender legs, he pulled up my skirt, pulled my panties to one side and made love to me right then and there.” “They don’t like that in heaven,” God said. The woman replied, “They’re not too happy about it in Costco either!”

1. My wife and I divorced over religious differences. She thought she was God and I didn’t!
2. I don’t suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
3. Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.
4. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
5. Don’t take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.
6. You’re just jealous because the voices only talk to me
7. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
8. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
9. I’m not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing.
10. Out of my mind ... Back in five minutes.
11. God must love stupid people; He made so many.
12. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
13. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
14. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
15. Being “over the hill” is much better than being under it!
16. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.
17. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
18. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
19. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
20. They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
21. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.
22. Ham and eggs ... A day’s work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
23. I smile because I don’t know what the hell is going on. J

Appreciate every single thing you have, especially your friends & family! ... Life is too short and friends are too few! JJJ