Chapter 106

Three old ladies were sitting side by side in their retirement home, reminiscing. The first lady recalled shopping at the green grocers and demonstrated with her hands, the length and thickness of a cucumber she could buy for a penny.

The second old lady nodded, adding that onions used to be much bigger and cheaper also, and demonstrated the size of two big onions she could buy for a penny a piece.

The third old lady remarked “I can’t hear a word you’re saying, but I remember the guy you’re talking about”.

Two old men were sitting on a park bench discussing their love lives. One told the other “I had sex with a 30-year-old three times last night!”

“Wow” his friend said “you must be using that Viagra.”

“Nope” the man replied “I know a secret: wheat bread. Eat lots of it and you can make love for hours. The second man dashed off to the nearest grocery store and bought eight loaves of wheat bread. At the checkout counter the cashier said “That’s a lot of bread. It will probably get hard before you’re done eating it all.”

“Well, I’ll be damned” the man said. “Does everybody know about this but me?”

Three bushies were sitting around a campfire one night when one bloke started complaining about his useless cattle dog.

“I’d give $100 to anybody who can make him do anything on command” he spat. “Watch this.”

The bloke commanded the dog to sit, roll over and play dead, all with no result.

The second bushie said “Give me a go.” He commanded the dog to sit, roll over and play dead, all with no result. After an hour he gave up in disgust.

The third bushie stands up and says “I’ll take that $100.” Then he grabs the dog, throws him into the campfire and yells “Get out of there, boy!”

Three old guys are sitting around complaining. The first guy says “My hands shake so bad that when I shaved this morning I almost cut my ear off.”

The second guy says “My hands shake so bad that when I ate breakfast today, I spilled half my coffee on my toast.”

The third guy says “My hands shake so bad that the last time I went to pee I came taking my cock out.”

Nina and Liz are having a conversation during their lunch break. Nina asks “So, Liz, how’s your sex life these days?”

Liz replies “Oh, you know. It’s the usual, Social Security kind.”

“Social Security?” Nina asked quizzically.

“Yeah, you get a little each month, but it’s not enough to live on.”

Women should be like golf caddies, either holding your balls or getting your bloody tee ready!

A handsome young lad went into the hospital for some minor surgery and the day after the procedure, a friend stopped by to see how the guy was doing. The friend was amazed at the number of nurses who entered the room in short intervals with refreshments, offers to fluff his pillows, make the bed, give back rubs, etc.

“Why all the attention?” the friend asked. “You look fine to me.”

“I know!” grinned the patient. “But the nurses kinda formed a little fan club when they all heard that my circumcision required twenty-seven stitches”.

Q: What did the Alabama sheriff call the black guy who had been shot 15 times?
A: Worst case of suicide he had ever seen.

A little boy was looking through the keyhole of his sister’s room. Mum says with a smile “Why are you concerned with what your sister is doing in there?”

Boy replies “I am not concerned with her, I am wondering what dad is doing.”

Paddy tells his wife “My bumhole is really burning, I’ve no idea what it is?”

“Ring sting” his wife says.

Paddy replies “How the fuck will he know?”

A drunk is sitting on the street curb in front of a bar. A stranger comes buy and asks if he’s okay.

The drunk replies by asking “Do you know who I am?”

The stranger says “No. Who are you?”

The drunk proudly says “I’m Jesus Christ ... and I can prove it! Come with me!”

They enter the bar and the bartender looks up and yells “Jesus Christ! Are you here again?”

A blonde walks up to a Coke machine and puts in a coin. Out pops a Coke. The blonde looks amazed and runs away to get some more coins. She returns and starts feeding the machine madly and, of course, the machine keeps feeding out drinks. Another person walks up behind the blonde and watches her antics for a few minutes before stopping her, and asking if someone else could have a go. The blonde turns around and shouts “Can’t you see I’m winning!”

Doctor asks a guy “So what’s your problem?”

He says “It’s a bit embarrassing but I was having a wank ... and my knob fell off.”

Doc says “Don’t worry - with micro surgery it will be as good as new in a week.”

Then the doc asks “Did you bring it with you?”

The guy pulls it out of his pocket. Doc says “That’s a marshmallow!”

Guy says “Can’t be! I ate the last one on the way here!”

While riding my motorbike, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head. Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up a very beautiful woman at the wheel.

She asked “Are you okay?” As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low cut blouse with cleavage to die for...

“I’m okay I think” I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look.

She said “Get in and I’ll take you home so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head.”

“That’s nice of you” I answered, “but I don’t think my wife will like me doing that!”

“Oh, come now, I’m a nurse.” she insisted. “I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly.”

Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated “I’m sure my wife won’t like this.”

We arrived at her place which was just few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said “I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I’d better go now.”

“Don’t be silly!” she said with a smile, while unbuttoning her blouse exposing the most beautiful set of boobs I’ve ever seen. “Stay for a while. She won’t know anything. By the way, where is she?”

“Still in the ditch with my bike I guess”.

A father, son and grandson go out to the country club for their weekly round of golf. Just as they reach the first tee, a beautiful young blonde woman carrying her bag of clubs approaches them. She explains that the member who brought her to the club for a round of golf had an emergency which called him away and asks the trio whether she can join them.

Naturally, the guys all agree.

Smiling, the blonde thanks them and says “Look, fellows, I work in a topless bar as a dancer, so nothing shocks me anymore. If any of you wants to smoke cigars, have a beer, bet, swear or tell off-colour stories or do anything that you normally do when playing a round together, go ahead. But I enjoy playing golf, consider myself pretty good at it, so don’t try to coach me on how to play my shots.”

With that the guys agree to relax and invite her to drive first. All eyes are fastened on her shapely behind as she bends to place her ball on the tee. She then takes her driver and hits the ball 270 yards down the middle, right in front of the green.

The father’s mouth is agape. “That was beautiful” he said.

The blonde puts her driver away and says “I really didn’t get into it and I should have faded it a little.”

After the three guys hit their drives and their second shots (she was closest to the pin) the blonde takes out a nine iron and lofts the ball within five feet of the hole.