Chapter 103

My girlfriend said that I could pick a couple of my favourite fantasies for some role-play to spice things up. So now I need a new girlfriend, but at least I ticked snuff and necrophilia off my bucket list.

Teacher asks her class if any of them can give her a sentence using the word ‘contagious’. Up goes Susie’s hand ... Daddy had the flu and Mummy said to keep away from him cause it is contagious. Teacher says very good Susie. Little Johnny’s hand goes up. Teacher dreads this but no one else raises a hand. OK Johnny ... I asked Mummy how long Daddy would be out fishing and she said it would take the contagious.

Jack is on his death bed, and he says to his wife “Can you give me one last wish?” She says “Anything you want”. He says “After I die, will you marry Larry?” She says “But I thought you hated Larry”. With his last breath, he says “I do”.

A black guy walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder and asks for a beer. The bartender brings a beer and notices the parrot on his shoulder and says “Hey that’s really neat. Where did you get it?” The parrot responds “In the jungle, there’s millions of them”.

A super-hot chick walks into her church and says to the priest “Forgive me Father, for I have sinned”. The priest says “Tell me dear, what’s on your mind?” “Well Father, I am a sex addict, and lately I discovered that I like doing it with priests. I had sex with the one from the church two blocks from here, the one five blocks from here, and also the one from the church nearby”. The priest says “It’s okay, just pray three times a day for one week and it will all be okay”. As the girl tries to go out, the priest says “Oh, and don’t forget that I will always be here for you!”

Three couples travel together to a resort hotel, only to find that their reservations have been screwed up, and they all have to stay in one room. There are 2 king-sized beds, and it is decided that the men will all sleep in one, and the women in the other. In the middle of the night, the guy in the middle wakes up, and says to the man next to him “Let me out. I have GOT to get to my wife! I have the biggest hard-on I have ever had, and I’ve got to get to her NOW!” The other guy says “Okay. Do you want me to come with you?” “What the hell for?” asks the other. “Because that’s MY dick you’re holding!” he says.

A blonde walked into a doctor’s office with two burnt ears. The doctor asked her “What happened to your ear?” The blonde replied “I was ironing and the phone rang, so instead of picking up the phone, I picked up the iron and put it to my ear. Still not satisfied, the doctor asked “Well, what happened to the other ear?” “The sucker called again!”

A blonde walks into a barber shop with headphones on. She tells the barber what cut she wants, but that he has to cut around her headphones. The barber looks a little puzzled but agrees. So, he starts cutting the best he can but accidently he knocks the headphones off. Within a few seconds the girl dies. Very startled, the man walks over and picks up the headphones and hears “Breathe in, Breathe out”.

A desperate looking woman stood poised on the edge of a high bridge, about to jump off. An old homeless guy who was wandering by stopped and said, “Look, since you’ll be dead in a few minutes, and it won’t matter to you, how about a quickie before you go?” She screamed, “NO! Bug off you filthy old bastard!” He shrugged and turned away saying, “Okay then, I’ll just go and wait at the bottom.”

A large fat, big mouthed American is on a bus tour of Sydney and has been bragging on about how everything is bigger and better in the good ol’ US of A and how everything is small in Australia. As they meander around Randwick, he points his podgy finger at a small building attached to The Prince of Wales hospital and says to the tour guide “See that hospital building over there? Why if that was in the States it would be a hundred times bigger”. The tour guide says “I’m not surprised mate. That’s the obesity wing”.

It was the day of the big sale. Rumours of the sale (and some advertising in the local paper) were the main reason for the long line that formed by 8:30, the store’s opening time, in front of the store.

A small man pushed his way to the front of the line, only to be pushed back, amid loud and colourful curses. On the man’s second attempt, he was punched square in the jaw, and knocked around a bit, and then thrown to the end of the line again.

As he got up the second time, he said to the person at the end of the line... “That does it! If they hit me one more time, I won’t open the store!”

A man and a woman were having a quiet, romantic dinner in a fine restaurant. They were gazing lovingly at each other and holding hands.

The waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed the woman slowly sliding down her chair, under the table and under the table cloth ... but the man stared straight ahead.

The waitress watched as the woman slid all the way down her chair and totally out of sight under the tablecloth. Still, the man stared straight ahead.

The waitress, thinking this behaviour a bit risqué and worried that it might offend other diners, went over to the table and, tactfully, began by saying to the man “Pardon me sir, but I think your wife just slid under the table”. The man calmly looked up at her and said “No, unfortunately, she just walked in”.