Chapter 102

From dorsetmike‎ short and sweet.

Seen on a nun’s gravestone: Returned unopened

An April Fool Day contribution by mixerman478‎

Defense Attorney: Will you please state your age?

Little Old Lady: I am 86 years old.

Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?

Little Old Lady: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.

Defense Attorney: Did you know him?

Little Old Lady: No, but he sure was friendly.

Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down?

Little Old Lady: He started to rub my thigh.

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?

Little Old Lady: No, I didn’t stop him.

Defense Attorney: Why not?

Little Old Lady: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago.

Defense Attorney: What happened next?

Little Old Lady: He began to rub my breasts.

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then?

Little Old Lady: No, I did not stop him.

Defense Attorney: Why not?

Little Old Lady: His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven’t felt that good in years!

Defense Attorney: What happened next?

Little Old Lady: Well, by then, I was feeling so “spicy” that I just laid down and told him “Take me, young man. Take me now!”

Defense Attorney: Did he take you?

Little Old Lady: Hell, no! He just yelled, “April Fool!” And that’s when I shot him, the little bastard.

Short on compliments of joevsr‎

2 men in a bar.

1st man, turning to his buddy, “How can I start to grow hair on my bald head?”

2nd man, “I have found that if you stick your head between a woman’s legs, It will help” Saying this as he stroked his full beard.

The following are compliments of squaddie117‎

Young Jewish couple are having their first baby, after the birth the Doctor comes to them and says, “you have a healthy baby boy, but I’m afraid he’s been born without eyelids.”

“What can we do,” moaned the father, “He can’t go through life like that?”

“Don’t worry,” said the Doctor, “When we perform the ‘Brit milah’ I’ll get my friend who’s a brilliant plastic surgeon to graft the foreskin in place and you won’t know the difference.”

“Won’t that make him a little cock eyed,” exclaimed the father.

“No, but he may have some foresight,” said the Doctor.

Young couple just married are having their honeymoon in the wilds of the Kenyan bush, on night the husband creeps out of the tent to answer the call of nature, whilst he’s away a large monkey gets into the tent, seeing a naked female fast asleep has its way with her.

The monkey gets away before the husband gets back and nothing seems amiss.

Nine months later they’re having a baby, when the Doctor comes out to tell the father the news of the birth the husband asks, “Is it a boy or a girl.”

To which the doctor replies, “We don’t know, we need to stop it swinging on the light fittings to find out.”