Chapter 100

The following are from a reader who enjoys contributing.

A woman goes to a doctor, worried about her husband’s temper.

The Doctor asks: “What’s the problem?”

The woman says: “Doctor, I don’t know what to do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason. It scares me.”

The Doctor says: “I have a cure for that. When it seems that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don’t swallow it until he either leaves the room or calms down.”

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.

The woman says: “Doctor, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband started losing it, I swished with water. I swished and swished and he calmed right down. How does a glass of water do that?”

The Doctor says: “The water itself does nothing. It keeps your mouth shut and that does the trick”.

A farmer went to a local pub and ordered a glass of champagne.

The woman sitting next to him said, ‘How about that? I just ordered champagne, too!

‘‘What a coincidence’ the farmer said. ‘This is a special day for me. I am celebrating.’

This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating,’ said the woman.’

‘What a coincidence!’ said the farmer. As they clinked glasses he added:

‘What are you celebrating?’

‘My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my gynecologist told me that I am pregnant!’

‘What a coincidence!’ said the man. ‘I’m a chicken farmer and all last year my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying eggs again.’

‘That’s great!’ said the woman, ‘How did your chickens become fertile?’

‘I used a different cock,’ he replied.

The woman smiled, clinked his glass and said ‘what a coincidence’!

“How was your blind date?” a college student asked her room-mate. “Terrible!” the roommate answered. “He showed up in his 1932 Rolls Royce”. “Wow! That’s a very expensive car. What’s so bad about that?” “He was the original owner!”

A blonde is walking down the street and stops a man to ask for the time. The man, looking at his watch, helpfully responds “Why, certainly! The time is now four o’clock”. The blonde scratches her head and says “You know, it’s really weird. I’ve been asking people that question all day long, and each time I get different answer!”

Q: How can you tell an extroverted accountant?
A: When he talks to you, he looks at your shoes instead of his own.

I was sat in a restaurant and got hit on the back of the head by a prawn cocktail. I looked round and this bloke shouts “That’s just for starters!”

A US Border Patrol Agent catches an illegal alien in the bushes right by the border fence, he pulls him out and says “Sorry, you know the law, you’ve got to go back across the border right now”. The Mexican man pleads with them “No, noooo Senor, I must stay in de USA! Pleeeze!” The Border Patrol Agent thinks to himself, I’m going to make it hard for him and says “Ok, I’ll let you stay if you can use three English words in a sentence. The three words are ‘green,’ ‘pink,’ and ‘yellow.’” The Mexican man thinks, then says “Hmmm, okay. The phone, it went green, green, green. I pink it up and sez yellow?”

I walked in on my daughter masturbating this morning. She is still too young to understand what I was doing, though.

One day Nick’s wife asked him “What will he do if she were to die”. Nick replied “I’ll also die”. She asked him “Why?” Nick replied “Well, you know I have a heart condition and most likely I would not be able to tolerate that much happiness”.

Scott was working at a lumberyard pushing a tree through a saw when he accidentally shears off all four of his fingers on both hands. He rushed to the emergency room of a nearby hospital where the doctor took a look and said “Yuck! Well, give me the fingers and I’ll see what I can do”. “I haven’t got the fingers”. Scott replied. The doctor said “What do you mean, you haven’t got the fingers? This is the age of medical advances. We’ve got microsurgery and all sorts of incredible techniques! Why didn’t you bring me the fingers?” “Well, heck, doctor. I tried, but I couldn’t pick ‘em up”.

His girlfriend’s father was interviewing Young Charles. “So” said that impressive personage “you want to be my so-in-law, do you?” “Not particularly” said Charles tactlessly “but if I want to marry your daughter I haven’t much choice, have I?”

A notorious womaniser left a trail of broken hearts behind him, until he betrayed the wrong woman - a practicing witch.