Chapter 5

I got to our nerd group meet-up point early the next morning. Dennis and Dimitri arrived about the same time and approached tentatively.

“We’re sorry, dude,” said Dennis. “We didn’t think it was a big deal. It’s not like it’s a big secret - everyone knows you’re gay.”

“Are you angry at us?” asked Dimitri.

“No, but I need to talk to Michael alone. Would you mind giving us some privacy?”

Dennis got a determined look on his face. “You’re not going to hurt him, are you?”

The very notion shocked me. Theoretically, if it came to a fight, I’d could probably have taken any one of the nerd group. But it had never occurred to me that I might want to. “No! I just want to ask for his help with something.”

The Coincidence Fairy waved her magic wand and Michael arrived at that very moment.

“Wassup, dudes!” he said, then realising I was standing there with Dennis and Dimitri, he expression changed to wariness.

“I need your help,” I said. “Would you mind walking to school with me while these two keep each other company?”

“I guess,” he reluctantly replied.

Dennis and Dimitri set off ahead of us, but kept sneaking peeks to make sure I wasn’t beating Michael to a bloody pulp.

“Michael, you think I’m gay, don’t you.”

“Of course, everyone...”

I looked him in the eye. Michael is mildly autistic, the consequent single-mindedness a significant asset to his scientific pursuits. It also means he’s inclined to take things too literally at times but, on the flip side, it makes him a terrible liar.

Michael noted my serious tone and demeanour. “Yes,” he finished, “I think you’re gay.”

“You’re also a scientist and follow scientific methods. What evidence do you have that I’m gay? Have you seen me kissing another boy or indulging in gay sex?”

“Well, not exactly.”

“So why do you think I’m gay?”

“I don’t know. It’s just that everything about you screams ‘gay’.”

“Like the quality of my interior decorating? You’ve seen my room, haven’t you! And how about my hairdressing skills?” I ran my hand through my unruly mop of hair to emphasis just how inept I was. “And you’ve seen my acting skills. To be or not to be...” I hammed, waving my arms theatrically.

Michael sniggered. “I don’t know man, I just know that you’re gay.”

“Just supposing I wasn’t gay, and someone had somehow convinced the people around me to believe that I was, how could they have done it? Do you think you could research a list of methods for me?”

“What’s the point? You’re gay. Everyone knows it.”

I sighed inwardly. This was proving tougher than I had hoped. I decided to try a different tack. “Okay, I’m gay then. How would I go about brainwashing people around me into believing I’m not gay? Could you work out the methods for me?”

“Actually that could be kind of fun, and it might prove useful in the future when I’m ready to make my play for world domination, mwaaahahaha.” Michael saw I wasn’t laughing. “How esoteric do want to get?”

“Don’t rule anything out.”

“Okay. What do you plan to do with the list?”

“Brainwash everyone into thinking I’m not gay then fuck Cayenne Proctor’s brains out. And, as a thank you, I’d pass her over to you for sloppy seconds.” Of course, if I actually perpetrated said act with the starting quarterback’s gorgeous head-cheerleader girlfriend, the consequences would make me a shoo-in for a posthumous Darwin Award.

“Oh man,” said Michael, “Cayenne’s a perfect ten. For her, sloppy seconds would be worth it.”