Chapter 18: A Multitude of Revelations

October 8, 1991, Chicago, Illinois

“I am really sorry about yesterday,” I said as Crystal set my coffee and pie in front of me.

“Are you going to tell me what had you laughing so hard at my expense?”

“As Terry said, it wasn’t you. It was the situation. It’s hard to explain because it was a very, very private joke between Terry’s wife and me.”

“Over my name?” she asked.

“Yes. As I said, Penny, that’s Terry’s wife, joked with me about having a girlfriend named Crystal, without having ANY clue that we’d run into a girl with that name.”

“Your girlfriend’s name is Crystal?”

“No, I’m married. It was a joke you walked into the middle of. I’m really sorry I can’t explain more, but it’s really not something I can talk about. I came back today because you still seemed a bit upset with us when we left.”

“I didn’t believe you weren’t having fun at my expense,” she said. “This is my first waitressing job. I just started at UofC in the sociology department and I need some spending money.”

Which confirmed my assessment from the previous day.

“I promise you, it had NOTHING to do with you personally. Penny was teasing me mercilessly at work. You just kind of walked into the scene unawares. I promise you that’s really the case. I’m very sorry we upset you. I really am! I don’t know what more I can say. I don’t know that I can make it up to you.”

“I’d say buy me a drink, but you’re married, so that’s out. Too bad, really. You’re cute.”

I chuckled, “Thanks. And if you do want that drink, just let me know.”

“I do NOT help guys cheat!” she said firmly. “No way!”

“First of all, I hadn’t suggested anything other than having that drink. Second. I don’t cheat, either. And third, you aren’t twenty-one.”

“So why buy a college girl a drink if you aren’t trying to get her into bed?”

“That’s a pretty cynical outlook, don’t you think?”

“Tell me it’s not true!”

I nodded, “In the vast majority of cases, I’d say it was probably true. In mine, no. If I wanted to sleep with you, I’d just say so.”

“Now that’s bold. I suppose a cheater has to be bold.”

“You keep using that word,” I chuckled. “But it’s not true!”

“Go on, give me some line about your wife not understanding you. Or being legally separated. Or some other thing.”

“You sound like you’ve run into plenty of married guys.”

“Since I was sixteen. I’ve heard every line imaginable.”

“No lines. Just the truth. It wouldn’t be cheating. That’s no lie and no line. But I’m keeping you from doing your job now. I’m Steve Adams, by the way.”

“Crystal Grimes. You work close?”

“I own NIKA Consulting. We’re in the building two blocks down on the same side of the street. Terry and Penny work for me.”

“Well, Steve Adams, I do have other tables. But you have me curious.”

I chuckled, “Go take care of your other customers, Crystal Grimes.”

October 12, 1991, Chicago, Illinois

“I see you passed your first test,” Jessica said when the mail arrived.

She’d opened the envelope after asking if it was OK.

“Was the count zero?” I asked.

“Close. I’d say the procedure worked and there were a few remaining sperm in the vasa deferentia.”

“He snipped out pieces and cauterized the ends! How the heck could it not work?”

“You’d be surprised. There is about a 0.1% overall failure rate. I know that doesn’t sound like much, but that’s one in a thousand. If you only count ‘late’ failures, that is, pregnancy that occurs after a second azoospermatic test sample, it’s 1 in 2000.”

“You still haven’t said how that’s even possible,” I protested.

“There are several different types of procedures. The one you had is nearly foolproof. Others aren’t as much. Often, men don’t go for their tests, so failure isn’t detected until their wives or girlfriends get pregnant.”

“Why not go for the test?”

“Embarrassment. Forgetfulness. Certainty that the procedure worked. You’re certain, right?”

“Sure, but I’m not stupid! Trust, but verify!”

“OK. But if there wasn’t a test, you would assume the procedure had worked, yes?”

“Sure.”

“And you would be mistaken. There are documented cases of spontaneous recanalization of the vasa deferentia. That is, the tubes reconnect.”

“Damn. Which explains why Doctor Carter removed a section and cauterized both ends. Triple protection, as it were.”

“Yes. But even men who aren’t sure don’t go. And I bet you understand that, too!”

I chuckled, “Penny.”

“Exactly!”

“I wish you had a tape recording!” Kara said.

“Ask Penny tonight,” I chuckled. “I’m sure she’ll be MORE than happy to tell you all the corny lines she used!”

“Who’s babysitting tonight?” Jessica asked. “April or Keisha?”

“Keisha and Jill,” I replied. “Why?”

“Well, I was thinking you deserve a reward for being brave and taking responsibility by having a vasectomy. What do you think Kara, does he deserve a reward?”

“Why yes; I believe he does! What did you have in mind, Jess?”

I sensed the obvious setup. There was no way this was a spur-of-the-moment thing!

“Well, I think if his second test is clear, AND his little friends have STD tests that are clear, he can have them both without using a rubber!”

“Oooh! He’ll like that!” Kara giggled. “I agree!”

“I haven’t said ONE peep about those two girls in over a month!” I said. “It was Jess who brought them up the other day!”

“No, but you’ve thought about Keisha’s legs and Jill’s lips!” Jessica giggled. “You admitted it!”

“I did. Look, I have enough on my plate right now.”

“Still struggling with Bethany?” Jessica asked.

“Yes.”

Which was true, but only indirectly. What I was STILL struggling with, was Jennifer’s question as to whether or not I could make love with HER without wrecking my relationships. I still didn’t know the answer to that question for sure. My reflexive thought had been that I could. But she’d been smart and told me not to answer right away. As soon as I started really thinking about it, the less sure of myself I had become. Which was, I was sure, exactly what she knew would happen.

I had been mulling over the point she’d made about Nick, about honor and loyalty. I couldn’t say with certainty that she was right, but neither could I say that she was wrong. Nick had trusted me the same way Pete and Kurt trusted me. Would breaking that trust mean I was at risk for breaking my trust with Pete and Kurt? Could I break trust with a dead man over an issue that no longer existed? Or did it exist? Or was that only my mind playing games with me? I had no idea. And I needed to resolve THAT before I could answer the other question about Bethany. And that could only be answered after I figured out the answer to Jennifer’s question.

I was going to drive myself nuts. Well, nuttier than I already was. Jennifer had really cut through all the bullshit and come right to the point. She, like Elyse, had done that with me many times over the years. And that was ANOTHER issue. Elyse. I was feeling a bit guilty about how I’d treated her. She never really complained. In fact, even when she’d talked to me about it, it hadn’t really been a complaint, just observations of the reality in which we found ourselves.

“Uh oh,” Jessica said. “I know that look. You’re struggling with something.”

“Just trying to sort out my feelings on a whole bunch of different things. And before you worry, I am NOT confused about how I feel about the two of you! It’s more about my relationships with other girls. And no, Jess, I’m not getting melancholy or depressed, and I’m not about to go manic. I’m just thinking.”

“You have a lot on your mind, Tiger. The FBI, the lawsuit, our relationships, counseling, your sister, Bethany, and work. I guess karate has to figure in there as well.”

“It’s more than that, Jess,” Kara said. “His relationship with Bethany is really more complicated than it appears. You have to factor that into his decision as well.”

And, once again, one of the girls brings the problem right out into the open.

“Me? Why? I told him to make a rule and stick to it.”

“You did, and I gave permission. But I wonder now. You see, and please don’t take this the wrong way, you took Bethany’s place. She was going to be the primary wife. He’s wondering, maybe subconsciously, how this would affect you.”

Oh, I had that thought, but until I resolved in my mind what I wanted, it wasn’t something to worry about. I probably should have worried about it first. Once again, I was putting Jessica SECOND, when she should have been FIRST.

“I wasn’t worried,” Jessica said. “But maybe I should have been. Like you were with HER.”

“You can say her name, Jess,” Kara said softly. “It doesn’t help things if we talk in circumlocutions. The situations aren’t even remotely similar, and yet, they are very similar.”

“Huh?” I asked, totally confused.

“Bethany isn’t looking to usurp Jessica’s role and steal you away. That might have been in the back of her mind when she asked you to make love to her right after Nick’s death, but now, I’d guess she’s just horny and went to the surest, most reliable, safest source of orgasms on the planet!”

The three of us laughed. Kara continued.

“Becky wanted to steal him from day one until the last day. Oh, they lied to themselves about that last affair, but it was true. And they both knew it. Every day I’m grateful that he came back. There was a real risk that he wouldn’t, even if he won’t admit it. In this case, Bethany isn’t trying to steal Steve’s heart. She already HAS it. Which is why the risk is there. It’s not the same, but it is the same. Do both of you see my point?”

She’d hit on the same thing Jennifer had hit on. My heart. Not Bethany’s. Not Jennifer’s. Not Kathy’s. Mine.

“I hadn’t thought of it that way,” Jessica said softly.

“No, but Steve has. I can see it in his eyes right now. Those dreamy, bedroom eyes also give away everything. It’s how he and Jennifer were always able to communicate without speaking. He can’t do THAT with anyone else. Well, not in the same way. He CAN still do it with her.”

“Tiger?”

I sighed deeply, “It’s complicated. Jennifer made the same point about Bethany with me two weeks ago. She also pointed out a few other important things about my relationship with Nick.”

“With Nick?” Jessica asked.

“His dead friend’s wife who is also HIS former lover,” Kara interjected. “That’s a sticky wicket if there ever was one.”

“Yes,” I said. “I didn’t realize it until Jennifer pointed it out.”

“And your heart?” Jessica asked, apprehensively.

“Pfft! Who the hell knows?”

“That’s always been a complicated issue for Steve,” Kara said. “He loves us unreservedly, but his heart is partitioned. There are the girls he loves because he’s decided to, and the girls he’s in love with, and has been from before he met us.”

“Bethany and Kathy,” Jessica said.

“You’re missing the most important one,” Kara said.

She knew! Holy shit! Kara knew! I shouldn’t really have been surprised by that, but I was.

“Elyse?” Jessica asked.

And that told me everything I needed to know. Nearly six years of marriage later, Jessica STILL didn’t know me. And that was a major problem. One that we had to figure out how to solve, or this entire edifice was going to come crashing down.

“No,” Kara said. “Steve is HER true love, the one she wanted from the day she met him.”

“Kara, did you talk with someone about this?” I asked.

She smiled, “No.”

“I’m missing it then,” Jessica said. “Tanya maybe? Karin?”

Kara shook her head, “No. It’s the one girl he would leave all of us for if a relationship like that were possible. Jennifer.”

God damn! Not only did she know, but she KNEW. Again, that shouldn’t have surprised me. Kara had known me during my Senior year when Jennifer had been in Seattle and knew how I felt about her. And what my plans had been. And how devastated I had been when Jennifer had decided to go to Stanford. And all the other stuff that had happened since then that Jessica only knew peripherally, if at all.

What Jessica had seen was Jennifer giving birth to my son, but in a committed, monogamous relationship with Josie. She had missed Jennifer showing up unbidden when Kara had broken up with me. Kara hadn’t seen that, either, but knew about it, and all the other things that had happened. And she had seen us together. Jessica hadn’t. At least not before Jennifer had declared herself to be playing for the other team!

“I’m not even sure how to process that,” Jessica said. “I know they dated, and obviously they have Jesse together, but she’s a lesbian!”

“She wasn’t always,” Kara said. “Well, no, that’s not quite right. She didn’t understand her sexuality. Do you know who saved our husband when I broke up with him?”

“I thought it was Cindi and Jackie who knocked some sense into him, and then Stephie who took care of him.”

“Yes, but did you know that Jennifer got on a plane and flew to Chicago from Seattle? And that they loved each other enough not to have sex while she was here? Bethany thought Jennifer had the inside track at that point. And truth be told, she always had the inside track. Steve was going to propose to me because he thought he’d lost her forever.”

“I don’t even know what to say,” Jessica said. “I guess I don’t know him very well, really.”

Which was exactly what I’d thought before. There was only one solution I could think of at this point. Wordlessly, I got up from the cushion in the ‘Indian’ room where we’d been sitting with Ashley and Stephie, and went to my study. I took the key from around my neck and unlocked the drawer. I pulled out the first volume of my handwritten journal, then locked the drawer and went back to the ‘Indian’ room.

Kara immediately recognized the three-ring binder for what it was. She smiled and nodded.

“I think you should start reading this, Babe. If you don’t, I don’t think we’re going to make it.”

She took the volume from me, opened the cover, and started reading. She was still reading when it was time for dinner.

“I don’t even know what to say,” she said. “I could never share anything this personal.”

“That’s part of the problem, Jess,” Kara said gently. “Unless you do, Steve’s right. We’ll never make it. And he’ll always be susceptible to the girls who have that other part of his heart we can’t access.”

“I thought he was in love with you,” Jessica said, as she closed the notebook and stood up.

“He was. But I broke his heart. He CHOSE to love me when I came back.”

“But Jennifer...”

“Stuck daggers in repeatedly. And she’s still here. With his eldest son. You connect the dots.”

“So why are you here, Kara?” Jessica asked.

She smiled, “The same reason you are. I need him.”

“And Elyse?”

“She loves him. I mean, truly, romantic, die without you, love.”

“But you don’t have that?”

“It’s complicated. He knows. And he understands. You’ll figure it out when you get to Volume 4 or 5. I can’t remember which.”

“Volume 4,” I said. “About halfway through. Though you’ll need to read through Volume 9 to really understand it all. That’s right when Bethany’s accident occurred. Starting with Volume 6, it’s only on the computer. But I think you’ll be busy for a good month before you get there.”

“There must be 1000 pages of loose-leaf paper here!”