Chapter 9: Stunning Revelations

As part of the healing process to rid herself of the bad memories that tormented and traumatized her, Susie eventually told me what had happened to her that night I saw her naked in the hallway.

“The first time he made me do it was about a year before you arrived. I was sleeping in my room, yet I sensed that someone was standing in the shadows at the end of my bed. I had suspected for a long time that he was coming into my room to watch me. He said it was for my own good and told me never to talk to anyone about it. I said I wouldn’t, but he wasn’t convinced. He dragged me from my room to his and made me bend over on his bed and put my face down in his pillow to muffle my cries. Then he held my head and hit me on my butt with Mom’s hair brush. He asked me several times if I would tell anyone and, each time I said no, he hit me anyway. I was sure he could hear me, but it didn’t matter.

“He made me take off all my clothes. Then he took off his clothes and told me to hold his erect penis and rub it with my two hands. I was scared and didn’t want to. He told me if I didn’t, he would make me go naked in the house for a whole week.

“This happened almost every month, sometimes twice, especially when he didn’t have to go to work on Saturdays. The first several times, he would come to my room late at night while I was sleeping, wake me, grab me by the hair, and then drag me to his room. After a while, I already knew what he wanted and quietly walked to his room with my head bowed like a captive being brought to receive chastisement. Nevertheless, he always had a firm vice grip around the back of my neck with his coarse, heavy hand to prod me along.

“The first time he ejaculated, I didn’t know what it was. When he groaned, I was afraid I had done something wrong and he would hit me again. Instead, he was calm and said I had magical hands, and that one day he would come up with something nice to do to me, too.

“At the end of each episode, he made me sleep naked next to him. Although he didn’t touch me, I was afraid anyway and never slept, lying there for hours, holding back my tears, praying to God for my Mom to return. When I was absolutely certain he was asleep, I would sneak back to my room.

“He prohibited me from saying anything to anyone and threatened to spank me until I could no longer sit down. I didn’t tell anyone. I didn’t think anybody would have believed me anyway. I should have told Mrs. Sanders, but I was scared that he might hurt her, too.”

Susie paused to catch her breath and set herself free from the horrid memories even though for only a moment. Her account of the dreadful events left me speechless, angry, yet humbled.

“I’ve told you the facts,” she said. “Now, I’ll tell you the feelings.

“There were rules; rules that I didn’t like; rules that I felt other kids didn’t have to obey. But, I had to if I didn’t want to get yelled at, humiliated, and get beat on my naked butt. I had to find a way to survive and get through it alone. After the first couple of times he forced me to make him ejaculate, I convinced myself that it didn’t happen. I chose to bury it, put it out of my mind, and never say a word.

“It was the everyday, constant darkness of being fence in with no place to go that was the most difficult. It was the feeling of living a meaningless life, and knowing your body, mind, and soul were being used and debased by someone who I thought I could trust. It was a feeling of being defenseless, helpless, hopeless.

“I pretended like we were an ordinary father-daughter family living in an ordinary quiet neighborhood, keeping busy with work and school, just like everyone else around us. I took up a routine, trying to forget the pain, trying to hold together by thinking about my Mom.

“I would often hide in my room and cry until I fell asleep. Whenever I could see the moon from my window, I would pray for my Mom, for someone to come, to rescue me.

“I hoped for love, joy and laughter. I hoped I could be free of the pain and misery.

“I hoped.

“When I saw your letter, saying that you were coming to stay with us for a while, I held it tight to my heart hoping that you would be the one to save me. I had all but given up. Your letter told me to hope one more time.

“Hope was all that I had left.

“You were my hope.”

My brother confessed to several charges, including child abuse, attempted rape of a minor, and homicide in the first degree. Susie was spared the agony of having to give a deposition of every sordid detail of the abuse, as well as the emotional stress of having to face her abuser in court. He received life in prison without parole. We visited him at the penitentiary a year after his sentencing. He was a shell of a man, thin and listless, almost unrecognizable. He hardly looked at Susie out of shame what he had done to her.

After a long silence, Susie said to him, “I’m here to forgive you not because you deserve it, but because Mom and I deserve peace.”

Several days later, we received news that he had committed suicide.