Chapter 10: Courage & Desire

I didn’t realize what was happening until one night.

I had turned off the TV and lingered in the living room, flipping through a sports magazine. Susie was already in bed. I glanced at the clock and knew I needed to put the magazine down and go to bed or I would be a bundle of nerves hearing the yelling and screaming of school kids the next day. I turned off the light and quietly made my way upstairs.

Outside Susie’s door I thought I heard a strange noise. I put my ear to the door and listened for a moment, but there was nothing. I was about to turn towards my room when I heard the sound again. Maybe Susie was having a nightmare of the recent horrific events and troubling revelations. Concerned, I quietly opened the door just a crack. The lights were out in her room. I heard her again. There was something familiar about the sounds; a whimper of joyous agony, uttered uncontrollably now and eons past which resonated deep within my consciousness.

Then I heard her mumbling to herself, “Charlie ... Oh, Charlie ... Mmm, mmm, yes.” Heat rose to my cheeks and my heart beat faster as I realized what I was really hearing. As quietly as possible, I closed the door. There was a slight click as the latch caught; a tactical error.

I made a fast retreat down the hallway, making sure not to step on the creaky boards, and dove under the covers taking a deep breath of relief. I lay there trying to get the sounds from my mind. I tossed and turned for hours, but sleep would not come. I kept hearing the urgency and desire in Susie’s voice. ‘Charlie, ‘ she had said, not ‘Uncle Charlie, ‘ but just ‘Charlie.’ I put my hands over my ears. ‘Charlie, ‘ Susie had called to me.

I was a mess the next day having gotten little sleep the night before. When I got home, Susie was in the kitchen preparing our usual afternoon snack. I joined her, but was uncomfortable, feeling, as I did, that I had secretly listened in on a private moment. She also seemed uncomfortable. The silence dragged on even while we were sitting across from each other at the kitchen table.

Finally, Susie broke the silence. “Uncle Charlie?”

“Uh, yes, sweetie?”

“Last night... , “ Susie’s voice trailed off.

I dreaded what was to follow. I prayed she hadn’t heard or seen me peeking into her room. Christ, I would be embarrassed beyond endurance. I had been so stupid.

“I thought I heard my door close before I went to sleep... ,” she paused again.

I looked at her, “I have to apologize, sweetie. I have no excuse, but I was coming up the stairs and I heard something that made me think you were having a nightmare. I was worried so I opened the door just a notch.” I turned crimson recalling what I had heard. “Um, once I knew you were okay, I closed it as fast as I could and went to bed.”

“Then you heard me...”

‘Oh shoot!’ I said to myself. “I really, really, really apologize, sweetie. I didn’t mean to, I really didn’t.”

Susie was burning with teenage embarrassment when I acknowledged hearing her saying my name as she touched herself. She buried her face in her hands and started to run away. I instantly grabbed her, putting my arms around her. She struggled in my arms and turned facing away from me.

“Please don’t go, Susie,” I said holding her, trying to dispel her discomfort, and yet feeling like a fool.

Susie felt my arms turning her back around to hold her against my chest. She gasped and caught her breath. She pulled her hands from her face and looked up at me. Her face was so close to mine, filled with care and love. Without thought, her face moved and her lips touched mine.

Without thinking I returned the kiss. Her arms went around me, pulling me into her. The kiss lingered, drawing us closer, physically, but even more so, emotionally.

I finally was able to pull back from the kiss, “Oh my.” Susie’s face was full of desire. “What have we done?” I asked. “We need to talk.”

“No,” she said. “No, no, no,” as she leaned in to kiss me again.

I held her away. “Please, sweetie. Please. We have to talk.”

Susie’s emotions had been catapulted, from hope, to embarrassment, to love in seconds. She was in no shape to talk. She needed to feel, to express, to experience. Her arms were like a clamp, turn by turn, pulling me back to her. I resisted but as her lips drew closer I felt my own will teetering. Susie’s desire never vacillated and it overwhelmed my wavering will. Our lips touched again and the electric current ran from one to the other and back. My body was alight. Susie was in love for the first time, and with the ardor of youthful love, it consumed her completely.

I pushed her back to get some breathing space between us. Her face was bright as the morning sun; her eyes sparkled like firecrackers; her lips were on fire.

“I love you, Charlie,” she said with her whole being.

I was stunned. I loved her too, but I had never rationally considered what my feeling was for her. I knew we had a situation.

“We need to talk,” I insisted. Susie smiled and kissed me again. “We still need to talk,” I said. Susie tried to kiss me again but I dodged.

She pouted. “About what?”

“About us,” I said.

“What is there to talk about?” she asked.

“Oh, let’s see. Maybe that I’m taking advantage of a minor,” I said.

“We don’t need to tell anyone,” Susie said convincingly.

I reached up and pulled her arms from around my neck, and led her back to the table. “Sit while we finish our snack.”

Susie frowned for a second, then smiled. “You said you love me.”

I had to smile at her infectious enthusiasm. “Yes, I have. That is something we need to talk about.”

“Why?” she asked scrutinizing my eyes.

I saw the look on her face and I knew that I was now in a serious, delicate situation. Susie’s face was full of adoration. I was the responsible adult here. I somehow had to get the whole thing under control.

“Charlie, I’m not a little girl anymore. I’m nearly seventeen,” she said.

“Nearly seventeen?” I blurted.

“Don’t make fun of me like the boys at school,” she rebuked me.

I wasn’t trying to be funny or to mock her. “I don’t think of you as a little girl, but... ,” I said, not exactly sure what I did think.

“If you love me and I’m not a little girl, then... ,” Susie abruptly dropped the thought like a hand grenade without its safety pin. It couldn’t be ignored no matter how hard I tried.

I looked up from the sandwich I was holding. “Yeah, I know. What does it mean and what is the right thing to do?”

Susie started to say something but held back her thoughts and emotions. She wanted me not as some boyfriend. She wanted me to hold her and kiss her. She wanted what she dreamed about every night now. She wanted to tell me, ‘I want to make love with you, ‘ but she couldn’t say it out loud.

“I liked kissing you,” she said with modesty and courage.

Susie had fallen in love with me that first night as I held her in my arms on the new couch. It had deepened in the months that followed. It had bloomed in humor, changed into compassion, and grown into love; the love of a woman for her one special man. It was only natural that she felt it in her body and mind, that she wanted me both body and soul.