Chapter 1: The Crucial Years

The famous architect Frank Lloyd Wright once wrote, “Inside the cramped space of the city, one is forced to confront oneself, to figure out who to be and how to be it, from the inside out.”

This is a story about our son Danny and how he gave meaning to those words. We had moved to the Big City where I took on a position with a consulting and accounting firm to head up an international tax department. Prior to our move, we lived on the outskirts of a small town, where Danny was born on a sunny day in December of 1982, and grew up.

As soon as Danny was potty trained and free of diapers, he wanted to be clothes free, or naked. Our house in Smallville was at the end of a cul-de-sac with a large backyard and neighbors on both sides who we hardly ever saw coming or going. Danny’s mother had become a stay-at-home-mom after he was born and she allowed him to freely roam naked both inside and outside the house. By the time he was three, Danny had full run of the house, naked all the time. She thought it was cute to see a mini-version of me based on a couple of photos my mother took when I was little and also ran around naked. I thought of it as a birthright, the natural right by virtue of one’s humanity to live free of clothes wherever it felt comfortable and was mutually accepted.

Danny’s urge to be free from the constraints and the “funny” feel of clothing often manifested itself beyond the home. Most often, by the time we reached a destination, Danny had wriggled himself out of his clothes in the back seat of the car and sat there casual, natural and nonchalantly, without a concern in the world completely naked from head to toe. He knew he couldn’t get out of the car to go into a store without his clothes on, and it was a struggle every time.

When he figured out how to open the faucet and control the water temperature of the tub and shower, Danny spent a lot of time there as well as a lot of water. We had an 8-foot ring inflatable pool for him in the backyard, but that wasn’t enough for Danny. We would have understood his enthusiastic need to live like a duck had he been born under the sign of Aquarius. But, he was a Sagittarius.

Danny was a curious little boy. Even before he went to kindergarten, he already wanted to know things like how many stars were up in the sky. We bought him a telescope that he could also use to “spy” on things down here on earth.

One bright summer day, a moving van arrived at the house next door and moments later the new neighbors came to introduce themselves. The couple was in their early 30’s and they had a little girl of 4 – Becky – the same age as Danny. We always told Danny that when someone came to the door he should put on some shorts or underwear or at least wrap a towel around him. But on that day in all the excitement, Danny forgot about shorts and towels, and so did we. The neighbors appeared not to notice that Danny was naked, but Becky stood at the door frozen like a statue, thrown into a trance. Her eyes became as wide as the size of quarters, her jaw dropped and her mouth fell open with a look of surprise, fascination and disbelief all bundled together.

Several days passed. Danny used his telescope to peak through the bushes to try to get a glimpse of Becky. We found out later that she was trying, too. Danny would sometimes see her in her backyard, wearing nothing but pink undies. He would go into our backyard, making all sorts of noises to get her attention. It finally paid off one day when Becky crawled through an opening between some bushes that divided the two backyards. Danny was thrilled and called her over to play in the pool. Becky didn’t hesitate. She took off her clothes and jumped right in.

From that day on, the backyard was their world where they played or did all sorts of fun activities - in the nude, of course. They played house, cowboys and Indians, slaying imaginary dragons, and every game kids love to play with their creative little minds.

Becky’s parents and we quickly became very good friends and for our kids’ sake, we decided to remove the fence and overgrown bushes that separated our backyards. Instantly, the two yards became one huge playground, as well as a place where we all got together for an occasional evening dinner or weekend barbecue. Becky spent as much time at our home as Danny did at theirs, eating meals and sometimes staying for sleepovers. It was exciting to watch them interact and play together like compatible soulmates.

It was fascinating to see how indifferent they were to seeing each other naked. Nevertheless, it wasn’t long that we and Becky’s parents felt it necessary to have an age-appropriate conversation about the specific physical attributes of boys and girls, and the correct words for these parts; no slang or misnomers. We strongly felt that the way kids grow up to think and feel about their bodies depends on how and what they are taught by their parents before they go to school. Kids belong to humanity and it’s important for them to accept and appreciate the beauty of the human body – male and female. The moms decided to do this together one rainy afternoon when Danny and Becky were trapped inside the house. They listened, looked and pointed, but quickly became bored with the anatomical lesson.

Despite having learned the right terms, Becky thought that Danny’s “thingy” looked cute, especially the way it wiggled. Sometimes she could see his “peanuts,” but they were mostly shriveled up and out of sight. I guess girls are wired to notice details, as well as being more empathetic because she was always worried about them getting crushed between his legs.

Danny, on the other hand, didn’t seem to care that Becky looked different. She was his companion to romp around and play with all day. That’s all that mattered to him, that’s where his focus was.

We also admired how ambivalent they were to some of the differences that were taking shape on their bodies. Like all boys his age, it was natural for Danny to get an unexpected erection. He was clueless why his penis would get stiff and point straight like an arrow. We told him that it was a sign that he was healthy and to expect it to happen more often as he grew older. He appeared to be cool as a cucumber with the pomp and circumstances down below, never feeling awkward or embarrassed, or the need to hide his “stiffy.” It was my impression that he wasn’t even aware when his penis would rise to full attention.

At first, Becky would just giggle at the sturdy effect and the thought that his “boy part” could put on such a display. However, that did not change or affect the way they played or did their homework together. Their special bond was their friendship and happiness of completing each other in a truly innocent and pure way.

They were excited with the prospect of going to Kindergarten and sharing the experience together, but not too keen on having to wear clothes. We told Danny he had to keep his on while at school, otherwise they wouldn’t let him in and be with Becky. He understood the seriousness of the situation and promised to follow the rules. However, as soon as they got home, they couldn’t get out of their clothes fast enough.

They were 8 years old, only a few weeks away from going to the third grade. Becky insisted that their mothers take her and Danny to buy new school clothes. She wanted to give her opinion on what Danny should wear so that they would look like they belonged together. He didn’t object to the idea and both mothers were more than happy to oblige. Danny and Becky ended up going together into the same changing room to put on their matching outfits and then model them for their mothers’ approval. That was the last big moment they shared together before the winds of change disrupted their happy world.

“ ... mothers feel a tug at their insides, watching their children grow...” ― Jodi Picoult

The day we had to move was a sad one for Danny and Becky. They had spent 4 years together; attended Kindergarten, first and second grades together; and shared a special friendship unlike most other children.

If Danny felt constrained in his clothes, he felt confined and constricted in the Big City. He missed his backyard, his freedom and his companionship with Becky. He was indifferent to the new sights and sounds. Most of the time, he was gloomy like the sky in the Big City. Despite all this, Danny didn’t give up on his preference to be clothes free just because of a change in location and conditions.

Over time, he adjusted to his new circumstances and seemed to be coming out from under the cloud. As soon as he walked through the door when he got back from school, Danny would strip off all his clothes and head straight for the shower. It was like a ritual to cleanse himself of the city. He would even brush his teeth to feel as fresh as a daisy inside and out. When he emerged from the bathroom, he was a different boy altogether, cheerful and sunny.

He also took on a new habit. Before going to bed, he would spend a long time taking a warm bath in the bath tub. It may have been a substitute for his backyard pool. He felt snug. The water enveloped him like a long, tender embrace. Whether coming out of the shower or the bathtub, Danny would sometimes emerge with an erect or semi-erect penis that took a while to ease back down. We were so used to seeing Danny like that occasionally. We felt fortunate and proud seeing him naked since the day he was born, seeing him grow and being healthy. We were also glad that he felt comfortable and no shame being naked around us. To begin with, shame as an emotional condition towards nudity was just not a value within our family.

For years, Danny slept naked. Even though he was getting older, his mom would often go to his room to make sure he was properly covered, hoping to catch a glimpse of his bare bums. She said they looked like the yokes of the eggs she would make for him for breakfast – round, plump, smooth and shiny.

If he was lying on his bed with his legs bent and knees apart, she would also marvel at the size and shape of his testicles. They sometimes reminded her of small hard boiled eggs or kidney beans albeit about 10 times larger. Maybe that explains why she started serving white kidney beans with salads and soups.

Most mornings when she would wake him up to go to school, she often found him with his penis semi-erect, flipped over backward on his abdomen, or stiff with “morning wood.” Either way, she said it looked like those beefy, Ball Park hot dogs which she loved to make for his afternoon snacks. I believe Danny ended up eating a lot of them.

During a conversation, it’s one thing to say in passing to a child that he or she has cute dimples or big feet. It’s a compliment, a positive comment to show that there’s something special about him or her. It’s a way to reinforce their self-awareness and self-esteem without embarrassing or making them feel awkward. When it comes to their “private parts,” it’s often better not to say anything unless it’s in the context of the whole body and it should never be negative or demeaning, but stay matter-of-fact, neither joking nor inappropriate.

Even if it’s funny, it’s best not to make fun of or joke about their sexuality. In Danny’s case, when he was sporting an erection, we’d say things like, “You look cheerful. What’s on your mind?” “You’re looking well today. It’s gotta be the vegetables!” “Boy, you sure are growing fast.” In the long run, Danny associated an erection with happiness, health and positive growth.

His mother, on the other hand, sometimes couldn’t contain herself and would make cautionary comments, typical of mothers, like “Be careful not to bump into the furniture!”

I’d like to think that positive comments such as these helped and encouraged Danny to feel comfortable in his own skin. However, he was never a show-off, flaunting his erect penis and walking around all cocky, being obnoxious. That’s often the typical behavior or attitude of boys when they’re naked and often expected, applauded or glorified by their chauvinistic fathers.

Living in an apartment without a backyard or Becky’s house not only brought us physically closer together, but also made us more aware of how Danny was growing in mind, body and spirit. The closeness, especially to his mom, helped Danny overcome the transition to life in an apartment and find new ways to be the child that he was.

During the week, after completing his homework, Danny’s mom would make him read adventure stories. His favorites were The Adventures of Tom Sawyer, The Call of the Wild, and Swiss Family Robinson. After reading a chapter or two, she would have him retell the events to her. That would open the way to long conversations which kept Danny’s mind and imagination busy. Otherwise, he would just mope around the apartment. The weekends were especially difficult, because he didn’t want to step out the door.

Twice a week, she would take him to a nearby park for a brisk walk or to throw Frisbees. On Sundays, all three of us would get out of the city to go to a park along the river to throw balls and then have a picnic, or go hiking in a nearby forest park. Danny enjoyed these outings, being with Nature in the sunshine, feeling the breeze, the sounds, and being able to get out of his clothes. Although nudity is entirely a natural thing, not everyone thought it was alright when Danny walked around naked, reacting with fear, shock and shame; not to mention some of the comments we had to endure about our permissive parenting style, our lack of defining boundaries of what is right and wrong. A few smiled approvingly, but that was about it – a few. We tried to find balance by convincing Danny to leave on at least his colorful underwear or Speedos, but weren’t always successful.

Just when we were at our wits end, we got a call from my parents. They had finally fixed up the old family farm homestead that my father inherited and wanted the grandkids to spend the summer with them. Danny was thrilled with the idea of spending time with his grandparents, but we had to make him promise that on his return and, because he was turning 11 in the fall, he no longer would strut around naked in the parks.

“A pause in life is just a chance to grow your soul.” – Powell Davies

It took nearly two years for Danny to adjust to life in the Big City. However, after he returned from his first summer stay on the farm with his grandparents, he seemed more positive and energetic, always looking for ways to keep busy or satisfy his curiosity. He liked going to school and talking about his new fifth-grade teacher and classmates, especially the foreign kids. He did very well in all his subjects, but liked arithmetic and geography the most. Often, he would come home and spend a lot of time studying a huge map of the world and a map of the Big City.

For Christmas, we gave Danny a computer so that he could look up things he was learning at school. Websites about animals such as dinosaurs, insects and snakes were his favorite. We put parental controls on his browser and made sure he wasn’t sitting at the computer for more than an hour each day. It was a celebration to see how Danny’s interest in school grew and his grades improved using the computer responsibly.

Danny was helpful around the house and even volunteered to cook. He liked boiling eggs, heating up hot dogs, and making peanut butter and jam sandwiches. He liked it when his mom would bake a cake so that he could lick the bowl. Occasionally on Sundays, Danny would get up early to prepare breakfast, while we pretended to be asleep, waiting for him to surprise us. Those were some of the most precious moments.