Chapter 36: Bec

Editor’s Note:
The next pages are written on hospital stationery and signed by Bec Freeman.

Saturday, December 11th

My room is a mess. I can’t leave it looking like that. I need to get back to cleaning and not waste time writing this.

Sunday, December 12th

Alice is a pain in the neck. She’s as stubborn as a mule. She has the patience of a 2-year-old and she’s as cunning as a fox.

I kind of like her.

We’ve spent half of today fighting with each other and the other half playing cards together. She tried to cheat at cards once but I caught her and she got embarrassed. Then she accused me of spoiling all her fun.

So I cheated the next 3 games in a row until she caught me, then I said, “So was that fun for you, having your opponent cheat like that?”

She snarled at me. Then she said, “Go take a long walk off a short pier,” and she threw the cards at me.

We took a few minutes to pick up the cards and then she said, “Okay, you made your point. If I cheat then you cheat too and it spoils the game.”

So then we decided to play the card game called Cheat where the person who cheats the most and gets away with it wins. We spent the game trying to outdo each other by how much we cheated and laughing at each other’s ridiculous moves. It was brilliant fun.

Liz and Mischa didn’t visit this afternoon. Daddy George took Mischa upstate to visit her father at the prison. It’s the first time she’s seen her father since he was sentenced. Her stupid uncle didn’t care enough about Mischa to take her to see him. Liz and Mischa intend to come in tomorrow after school so I expect to hear all about the visit then.

The Aunts and Sam came in this afternoon. We taught Alice how to play Carcassone and had a good game. Alice enjoyed playing the game as well as having the chance to meet new people. She seems to thrive in those social situations provided they don’t go for too long. She found the game challenging and I could see her battling to stop herself acting out from frustration. That she managed to control herself shows that she has made progress. That it was so obvious she was struggling shows she still has a way to go.

After The Aunts and Sam were gone, I took Alice into our room and told her to scream at the angry cat. Then I walked out and closed the door behind me. Alice didn’t scream at the cat. Instead she yelled at me through the closed door. Some of the things she told me to do are probably anatomically impossible. I smiled at her through the window and poked my tongue out at her. That made her scream some more. This time she said something about me and my father that I really didn’t like, so I went into the room and closed the door behind me and screamed at her to shut up and pull her head in. She yelled back at me and I yelled back at her and this went on for a bit. Then I stopped yelling and started laughing and she started laughing too. So we put our arms around each other and went out to have dinner together.

The evening was much quieter. Alice and I had a long talk about the problems she’s having and I made a few guesses about how that all started, which Alice said were more or less right. Then we talked about how she’s trying to manage her issues and I tried to encourage her to keep working on that.

Monday December 13th

I had a dream last night. I dreamed that I was in front of our house, watching Tara teach Angie how to play ball. Then I saw a huge giant come stomping towards us. With every step, it stamped down and crushed houses beneath its feet. A freight train hung from one of his hands like a string of sausages and he whipped it out every so often to smash anything in his way. He came straight towards us and I knew that Angie and Tara were in danger but I was frozen and couldn’t move. Then the giant threw a huge net and we were tangled in the net. He drew up the net and we dangled helplessly from it as he turned and carried us away.

I screamed a lot.

Then I woke up because I was hit in the side by a shoe. Alice threw her other shoe and it banged into the wall over my head.

Then she snarled, “Shut up. Some of us are trying to sleep.”

I lay there panting for breath as I tried to recover from the ghastly dream. I wanted to tell Alice about my dream but she rolled over and faced the wall and wrapped her pillow around her ears.

This morning I drew the giant from my dreams. It wasn’t really a gigantic version of Grandfather. But there were elements of him in there, all mixed up together.

I put the drawing off to one side and pulled out the college math booklet I’ve been working through. I’m making good progress. The booklet is well laid out and easy to understand so it’s all making sense to me. I’ve found I can help Alice with her High School math, even some of the work not covered in my booklet because I can see how it connects in.

Alice saw me working and heaved this huge sigh like she was being harassed to do something herself. But then she dragged out some of her schoolwork and started doing that.

A bit later, I did some work on my report about Uncle Tom’s Cabin. I’m going to have to do some research online for some parts of it so that will have to wait until I’m home and can use my computer.

We did our tutorial session. Today’s video was about the world immediately after the Second World War. It talked about reconstruction in Europe and Japan and the start of the cold war and the Berlin Airlift and the baby boom and the Korean war and all of that. It was interesting. Alice and I had an argument about whether the USA supporting the reconstruction in Japan was a good thing or not.

Tara came over to visit after school. She seems to be doing better. She was definitely not as twitchy as she was last week. I think she will still need some TLC for quite a while but she’s going to be fine. I think it will be a while before she will trust herself again. She’s lost some of that overwhelming confidence she used to have. In a way that’s a relief but it’s also sad because that was one of her strengths.

Liz and Mischa and Daddy George dropped in after dinner. Even after one weekend, Mischa already looks more relaxed than when she was in here. Daddy George can be so laid back sometimes and it seems to be rubbing off on Mischa so that’s a good thing. I’m looking forward to getting to know Mischa outside of this place. In here, reality seems a bit distorted. It will be good to get back to a more normal life. It’s going to be great having Mischa as a friend in that normal life.

Mischa told me all about her visit to see her dad. It clearly made a huge impression on her that Daddy George cared enough to take her. She said her dad was looking okay but he seemed older than she remembered him.

Mischa had her first day at our school today. She said that it was a way nicer school than her last one. She also said the people were nicer but then she said she was eating lunch and she suddenly realized she was sitting with the nerds. She could see that the school had kids like she used to hang out with and they looked miserable. She had no desire to be with them, she was so much happier with the nerds. She said to me that it made her wonder if the nerds at her old school might have been nicer after all, but it had never occurred to her to talk to them.

Tuesday, December 14th

It’s Tuesday morning and I’m going home today.

Alice and I had breakfast together and we toasted each other with our milk cartons. I had my shower today in blessed solitude. The way Tara talks I’m not sure how often I’ll get to do that when I get home.

Alice is off at the moment trying to convince Dr K that she’s cured and doesn’t need to be here any longer. I don’t like her chances. I’ve tried to help her over the last few days but I’m not sure if I’ve done enough to make a difference. She has this thing about people in authority. And Dr K has the authority. She knows she has a problem with that. She wants to play nice so she can go home but she’s worried that she’ll lose her cool anyway. Of course, that isn’t her real problem. That isn’t why she’s in here but her problems with authority are blocking her from getting effective treatment from the people who can help her the most.

I’m worried about Alice. I’m worried about what will happen to her. I get the impression Alice has nearly used up her time here. She told me she got put in here because there were no spaces at the long-term facility. I figure a space could open any day and she’ll be moved to finish out her treatment there instead of here. Or maybe Dr K will be able to arrange things so she gets to stay here. But I leave here today so the best I can do is visit her – provided she doesn’t end up somewhere too far away. This might be one of those times when I can’t help someone and that possibility is eating at me. Alice so very much needs help and I can see what needs to be done but I’m not going to be able to do it.

Tara warned me that Mum has been planning a party for when I go home. I don’t want a party. I’ve told Mum I don’t want a party. Everyone else has told Mum that I won’t want a party. But Mum has it in her head to have a party so I guess I’m getting a party. It will be tonight and tonight is a school night so my friends won’t be staying late. That’s a good thing.

I told Liz to tell the others not to stay too long. They’ve all promised. There’s going to be a rash of conscientious students having to go home early because they have school in the morning. They will be the most conscientious students in the history of teenage parties. I think Liz passed the word to the aunts as well so hopefully they won’t stay for too long either. If our plans work out, it will be a short party. A short party is a good party – I think I’ll make that my new motto.

I’m looking forward to sleeping in my own bed tonight. It’s been calling out to me. My bed has been sad and lonely and needing my company. I’m looking forward to seeing all the versions of me on the walls in my room. I’ve missed them and I’m sure that they’ve missed me. They’ve been looking after Nana and she’s been keeping them company so they haven’t been totally lonely. Nana is going back to her own place to make room for me. That means I miss out on living with Nana this time around which I’m sad about.

I’ve had Bec Junior on the wall here to keep me company but it’s not the same. Bec Junior is all about dolls and hiding. I’ve changed so much since then. I don’t want to hide nearly so much and I’ve moved on from dolls so she and I don’t have all that much to talk about.

The angry cat has had more to say. It didn’t let me get away with anything. It wanted me to deal with my anger. I think Alice has helped me with that. The angry cat is gone now. I gave her to Alice. Alice likes the picture. She says it reminds her of herself when she gets angry.

Alice hasn’t been the best room-mate but I guess she hasn’t been too bad. We had a couple of shouting matches. They were strangely therapeutic. I didn’t know how much I needed to yell at someone. It became almost like a game for the two of us. The nurses were upset by the bad language but Dr K. just told us to make sure the door was shut so we wouldn’t upset the other patients. I screamed at her and she screamed at me and it didn’t matter because we both knew that today was coming when we were going to say goodbye.

So when we finished screaming at each other we took a break and then played cards together. I think the angry cat did her job. She wanted me to stop locking my anger away. So I let myself get angry at Alice. It was like screaming at Alice was a way of practising being angry. I know not to lock my anger away now. I won’t make that mistake again.