Chapter 25: Sunday, Mischa

Editor’s Note:
The next page is another extract from the journal of Mischa Doeple dated Sunday, December 5th.

I guess today was Sunday.

There are always more visitors on Sunday than any other day. I never get visitors but that’s a good thing. I never want to see any of my relatives except one and he can’t visit.

But today, when I woke up, I was looking forward to seeing Bec’s family or her friends or whoever. How weird is that?

I had another bad dream last night. I woke up in the middle of the night and saw that Bec was shifting around on her bed and moaning so I figured she was probably having a bad dream, too. It seemed automatic to cross the room and crawl into bed with her. I put my back against her front and drug her arms around me. Bec stuck her face into the back of my neck and sighed. Then she was still. I felt so safe it was like she chased away the bad dreams. I went back to sleep and slept like a log through until morning.

I woke up on my back and Bec was on her back next to me. I moved my head so I could look at her and saw that she was staring up at the painting on the wall.

I said, “Have you finished drawing all those pictures?”

She didn’t say anything for a moment and I was about to give up on the idea of conversation but then she said, “Not yet.” Her voice was quiet and husky.

Then she looked at me and she said, “I needed to take a break. I left the worst ones until last.”

So I said, “Does this mean you remember everything?”

She shrugged and she said, “Not really. Drawing the pictures brings the memories back. I have some that I’m frightened to start drawing because I know they’re bad memories even if I don’t remember what they are yet.”

Then she frowned and she said, “I don’t know if that made sense or not.”

So I said, “I think I understood what you were saying.”

She smiled and she gave me a little squeeze and then she said, “That’s good.”

So we got out of bed and she looked down at herself with this horrified expression on her face.

Then she said, “Why am I wearing these?”

She was still wearing the outfit of mine that I’d put on her yesterday. So I explained how the hospital had their clothing fail yesterday but there was a fresh outfit waiting for her today.

Then she said, “Please tell me nobody saw me dressed like this.”

So I giggled and I counted off the people in her family and her friends who’d seen her as well as all the hospital people. She went bright red and covered her face with her hands.

Then she said, “I bet Dan laughed.”

So I said, “He did. And so did Tara. But after that, nobody really cared.”

Then I said, “Let’s go and have our showers and you can change into your hospital pjs. Then you’ll feel better.”

So I took her hand and led her across the ward to the Nurses’ Station. We collected our stuff and went into one of the bathrooms. Bec shook her head and said, “Do we shower together now?”

So I shrugged and I said, “We did yesterday. I had to take care of you because you were like a zombie.”

Bec went red in the face again but she didn’t say anything.

Then I said, “Besides, you have to be in here with me with me because they won’t let me be on my own.”

So we took turns using the toilet and the sink and the shower. Bec didn’t seem too keen on being under the shower at the same time as me so it took twice as long but I didn’t complain.

I was sitting there waiting while she showered when something occurred to me.

I looked over at Bec and I said, “You’ve never made a nasty comment about the way I look. You’ve never made fun of me for needing someone with me in the bathroom.”

Bec looked over at me but she didn’t say anything.

So I said, “It was like I kept waiting for it to happen and I got nervous when it didn’t because maybe you were saving it up to get me good. But it never happened so it was like a suspense movie where you know something is going to happen and you keep waiting and waiting and then just when you’ve decided maybe you were wrong and it won’t happen after all, it happens all of a sudden and everyone screams. I was waiting for you to make comments about how I looked and you never did. It took me ages to figure out that you were never going to do that. You’re the sort of person who doesn’t talk like that to people. I never knew people like you existed outside of movies.”

Bec was still watching me. She finished showering and was starting to dry herself so I dropped my towel and walked over to get under the shower.

Then I said, “I might not have figured it out but I saw the way you are with your friends and your family. And I saw the way they are with you. It’s like there’s this whole bunch of people who are like that. I couldn’t even imagine it.”

Then she said, “I would like to think we aren’t that unique. I would hope there are many, many people like us as far as that goes.”

I shrugged and started soaping myself as I said, “Maybe not. I don’t know. I never met any of them before I met you.”

Then I put my head under water and that stopped the conversation for a moment.

When I cleared my head out of the water, I looked over at her and I said, “You all tease each other but it’s a weird sort of teasing. Like you do it with a smile and a hug so that the other person knows you don’t really mean it. It’s taken me a bit to get used to that.”

Then she said, “Good. Maybe that means we can start teasing you as well.” Then she smiled at me.

So I said “Hnnh” because that made me feel all fuzzy inside like I’d gotten ten hugs on top of each other. I didn’t know how to react to that so I said “Hnnh” again and went back to concentrating on washing myself.

When we got back to our room, we sat criss-cross-applesauce across from each other on our two beds and started patting our hair dry. Bec was back in her hospital pjs and I was in today’s version of my standard outfit.

Bec talked to me about how sometimes being nice to someone has to be a conscious decision. Sometimes you have to work hard to make sure you don’t say anything mean, like, if they are being mean to you or something like that. We had a whole conversation about that but I’m not going to write it all down. But she did say that it gets to be a habit after a while and if you do it then you attract other people who are like that so you end up with good friends and that seems like a good thing for me to think about.

We went to breakfast and we had cold cereal plus scrambled egg on a piece of toast. The egg wasn’t even cooked right or anything. I only ever had fried egg and this looked pale and squishy. I was thinking that the egg and toast was gross but then I remembered the last session with the shrink so I was trying to convince myself that it wasn’t really gross when Bec pushed her half-eaten egg away and she said, “Well they made a mess of that.”

I looked at her and she said, “Scrambled egg has to be served onto the toast just before it’s eaten or the toast goes soggy and the egg goes rubbery. Who knows how long ago they served this out in the kitchen and stuck it in the plate warmers. I think I’ll stick to cereal this morning.”

I felt relieved as I pushed the plate with my egg away and turned to my plate of cereal. For once the food being gross wasn’t only in my head. The cereal came in little individual boxes with a little carton of milk that you could add yourself so that was good because I didn’t have to pour the whole box of cereal into my bowl and I could decide for myself how much milk I wanted.

There was also a carton of juice. I’d gotten apple juice which I don’t really like and Bec had gotten orange juice so we swapped and I was happier about that. I looked around and I saw that hardly anyone had eaten their scrambled egg. The only ones who ate it all were two older boys who I’ve noticed will eat anything.

I never had breakfast at all for a long time before I came into the hospital and I guess that’s part of why I’m in the hospital. At first I hated them for making me eat something first thing in the morning but now I think I’ve gotten used to it. I was actually a bit disappointed that the egg on toast turned out to be gross. When I saw it on the plate I was kind of thinking that would be a nice thing to eat but then it was gross so that was the end of that.

After breakfast, Bec went over to the Nurses’ Station so I tagged along. She asked to see the shrink but the nurse explained that it was Sunday so Dr Koehler doesn’t normally come in.

Bec said “Oh” and walked away.

Then Bec looked at me and she said, “This is Sunday? What happened to Saturday?”

So I said, “You were zoned out for most of yesterday and then you did all those drawings that you haven’t shown anybody.”

Then she frowned and she said, “I’m not ready for anybody to see those yet. That’s why I wanted to talk to Dr K. I guess it will have to wait until tomorrow.”

Then she looked at me and she said, “So what do you want to do this morning?”

So I said, “I think your family will be coming in soon but we could listen to some music or something until then.”

So we did that. We put headphones on and listened to some music and talked about the music we liked and didn’t like. That was fun. I enjoyed doing that.

Bec’s whole family came in together. Her parents, brother, sisters and grandmother were all there and everyone hugged Bec and then they all hugged me. It was getting noisy in the main room because other visitors were coming in so I suggested we all go into our room.

I sat down on my bed and Angie climbed onto my lap and leaned her head on my chest so I put my arms around her and held on tight. She seemed happy to rest there quietly so I let her sit there. It made me feel weird to have a child trust me so much that she would almost go to sleep on my lap like that and it made me think about one day being a mother and having my own child that I could hold like that and I think my eyes got a bit misty.

Bec’s mother looked carefully at the painting on the wall but she didn’t say anything. I’ve seen a couple of nurses scowling at the painting but nobody has told us to clean it off so that’s a bit weird.

Bec’s mother also looked at the drawings of the cat which was stuck on the wall over the head of Bec’s bed. She looked at Bec and she said, “When did you draw this?”

Bec shrugged and she said, “I don’t remember.” Then she looked at me and she said, “Was it yesterday or the day before?”

I had to think about that but then I said, “I think it was yesterday morning. You did it at the same time as you drew mine.” I pointed at the drawing stuck on the wall over my bed when I said that.

Bec’s mother looked at my picture and then she looked at me and then she looked back at the picture. Then she said, “You can do better than this, Bec. It’s a bit flat.”

Then Bec said, “Yes, Mom.”

So I said, “She was a bit zoned out yesterday morning and the shrink asked her to do it so that I would have a goal to work towards. I think it’s a good drawing.”

Then Bec’s mother looked at me and her eyes were like, looking straight through me. And she said, “And are you working towards your goal?”

So I said, “Yes, ma’am.”

She gave me this warm smile and then she looked at Bec and frowned and she said, “You should do a better drawing for her.”

And Bec said, “Yes, Mom.”

Then Bec’s mother said, “And you should make sure she eats properly.”

So Bec said, “Yes, Mom.”

Then Bec’s mother looked at me and her eyes softened and she sat down next to me and put her arm around me. Then she said, “I’m sorry you have to be locked away in here. I know what it’s like and it isn’t fun.”

So I shrugged and I said, “It isn’t so bad. I hated it at first but it isn’t so bad now. I feel safe in here so that’s good and I’ve gotten to know Bec so that’s good.”

Then Bec’s mother squeezed me into her side and it made me feel fuzzy inside so I stopped talking. All this time Angie didn’t move on my lap so I figured she must have gone to sleep.

Then Mrs Freeman looked over at Bec and she pointed at the drawing of the cat and she said, “So who was it that was bothering you?”

I looked at the drawing of the cat with its snarling face and its claws and I wondered what made her think it meant someone was bothering Bec but I couldn’t see anything different from what I’d already seen.

Bec looked at the picture and then at her mother and she said, “Dr K was bugging me to draw something from my memories of Monday and I wasn’t ready to do that so I was trying to tell him to leave me alone.

Then Mr Freeman said, “So you’ve remembered some more about Monday?”

Bec looked at her father and she blinked and then she nodded. Then she said, “I’ll talk about that tomorrow. Not today.”

Then Bec looked around her family and she said, “After lunch today, will you all leave me alone so I can do some more drawings?”

So Bec’s father said, “Okay sweetheart, if that’s what you want we can all stay away for the afternoon.”

Then Tara said, “I’ll have to make a call.” She pulled her cell out of her pocket and started pressing buttons.

Bec had Dan on one side of her and her grandmother on the other side of her and they started talking quietly to each other and I couldn’t really understand because Bec’s grandmother was talking with that accent so I could tell she was speaking English but I had no idea what she was saying.

In the meantime, Bec’s mother was still squeezing me into her side but at the same time she was leaning forward and trying to play with Angie’s hair from where Angie was sleeping with her head on my shoulder. The bandaged hands made it difficult so in the end Bec’s mother gave up using her hands and leaned forward and blew gently in a way that made Angie’s hair fluff up and move around. In the end, she leaned in and softly kissed Angie close to her temple.

Tara had been talking on her cell and then she said to Bec, “Liz says that all your friends were planning to meet up and have lunch at Mickey Ds down the road and then come in to see you. Liz wants to know if they could maybe come in for 20 minutes right after lunch and then they could go and leave you alone for the rest of the afternoon.”

Bec looked back at Tara and rocked back and forth a bit and then she said, “I guess that would be okay. Tell her it would be nice to see everyone. But I do want to be left alone after that.”

So Tara went back to talking on the cell and then she asked us what time lunch was served and Bec didn’t know and I didn’t know so Tara wandered out to the Nurses’ Station to find out and everyone went back to talking.

So Bec’s family hung around in our room for a while and people talked about all sorts of things and they included me as a part of the conversation and Angie was sleeping on my lap and it was all very nice.