Chapter 24: Saturday, Tara and Nana.

Editor’s Note:
The next page is another extract from the journal of Tara Freeman dated Saturday, December 4th.

Today I had a long talk with Nana.

I guess it was a series of talks because they were spread out over the whole day and there were gaps when we were doing other things and not talking but I’m going to count it as one long talk.

It was exhausting.

So the day started like it has for the last few days with me waking up in Dan’s bed and going to the bathroom with him and all of that and then breakfast with the family. I was feeling a bit twitchy this morning. It wasn’t the shakes. I haven’t really had an attack of the shakes for the last day or so. It was more like a nervous energy that made it hard to sit still. It wasn’t strong. It was a background irritation that I didn’t really even notice until later but when I thought about it, I figured that it had been around since I first woke up.

During breakfast, Nana was feeding Angie and Dad was feeding Mum ‘cause her hands are still wrapped up in bandages and Dan was eating enough for three of us like he usually does and I was trying to wake up enough to feed myself. It always takes me ages to wake up properly. That’s why I didn’t notice the way Nana was looking at me until the end of breakfast when everyone was bustling around clearing up.

Her eyes were narrowed and she was scrutinizing me with an intensity that was scary. It was like she was looking into my soul and judging every little thing I’ve ever done in my life. I’m not proud of some things I’ve done so that left me feeling really uncomfortable.

Everyone sat around and drank tea and made their plans for the day. I sat silently and listened but I didn’t say anything because I could feel Nana’s eyes on me. Then suddenly they all got up and left the room and it was only Nana and me sitting there. I never saw any signal and nothing in today’s plans had been about Nana getting time with me so I didn’t know what was going on.

I sat there and Nana looked at me and sipped at her tea. She didn’t say anything but I knew I was supposed to sit there until she was ready to talk so I sat there and she sipped her tea.

She finished her tea and pushed the cup away from her with a sigh. Then she looked at me and she said, “It’s a really adult thing you are doing with Dan. Going to the bathroom together and showering together and what not.”

I must have looked surprised because she snorted and shook her head at me. “I might be old but I’m not stupid.”

Just for the record, I’ve never thought Nana was stupid.

She paused for a moment. “Most women would only share bathroom visits like that with the man they’re in a relationship with and often not even then. I mean a sexual relationship, of course.”

“Nana, I’m not having sex with Dan,” I said, blushing slightly.

“Maybe not sweetheart, but you are putting yourself in a position where the temptation will be powerful – sleeping in his bed, sharing a shower.”

“It isn’t about that,” I said. “I need...” My voice trailed off as I struggled to explain what I needed.

She reached out and patted my hands where they rested on the table.

“I understand sweetheart. You need the comfort. You are feeling fragile and insecure after Monday and you need to have somebody you trust close to you all the time or you start to panic.”

I felt my jaw drop. “Exactly!”

I wondered how she knew that. But I didn’t wonder too hard – Nana always knows things like that.

She smiled and patted my hand again. “Have you noticed that I’m the only one here and you aren’t frightened. That must mean I am one of those people that you trust. Do you feel safe when I am with you?”

“Of course I do,” I said.

She smiled warmly. “I can’t tell you how happy that makes me feel.”

She was quiet for a moment and her smile drifted away.

“The thing that worries me is that sleeping with Dan and showering with him and so on might become a habit for you. What happens when that need to be with someone becomes a little less desperate and all of those other needs you’ve been suppressing come back?”

“What other needs?”

She snorted and shook her head again. “You might be young but you aren’t stupid either. You are 14 and your body is flush with hormones. Do you want me to spell it out for you?”

I blushed and looked down. “No Nana. I get what you mean.”

She lifted up my chin and waited until I was looking into her eyes and then she spoke with a really firm voice. “You must not have sex with your brother.”

“Yes Nana.” It was automatic. Disobeying Nana has never been an option.

Then her eyes softened and I think I saw a trace of fear. “If you do, it will destroy our family.”

I started to give the automatic reply but then the seriousness of what she was saying sank in.

“Why would it do that?”

She frowned and poked at her tea cup with a finger. “That is a question worthy of more than a flip answer.”

Then she sighed and lifted herself to her feet. “Come with me sweetheart. One of the down sides of getting older is that the bladder needs to be emptied more often.”

She hooked an arm through mine and we walked together to the bathroom. I was going to leave her there but she dragged me in and pointed me to the chair so I sat while she used the toilet. While she was there she winked at me and said, “Not so sexy when you’re in here with an old woman, is it? I’m sure you’d much rather be in here with Dan. I can’t say that I blame you for that.”

I shook my head. “You keep saying you’re old, Nana, but you’re not that old.”

She chuckled. “I might not be that old, but I’m starting to have old person problems. I hate it. I’m not ready to be old yet but my body is starting to betray me.”

She finished and waved me over to the toilet while she washed her hands. I didn’t really need to use the toilet but I went anyway because Nana told me to.

Afterwards, she looped her hand through my arm again and we went through the house and into Bec’s room where she’s been sleeping for the last few days.

I sat on the bed and looked around. “Don’t you find it a bit weird to sleep in here? I mean, there’s all of these paintings of Bec all over the walls.”

She sat down next to me and patted my knee. “Not at all, sweetheart. I think they’re beautiful.”

“But she’s nude,” I pointed out. “There’s, like, five life-sized nude paintings of Bec in here.”

“Oh, there’s nothing here I haven’t seen before. I don’t mean Bec specifically but remember I was a nurse for a very long time and I saw more nude bodies than you could possibly imagine. Nude bodies of every shape and size. Nudity isn’t an issue for me. More importantly, these are genuinely good artworks by my daughter and my granddaughter. They show Bec’s passion and her energy and her joy. I love sitting in here and looking around.”

I kind of knew what she was saying.

“I like that one the most,” I said, pointing at the painting of Bec throwing a basketball.

“Hmm,” said Nana. “I like that too but my favorite is the one next to the mirror. She looks so strong and powerful. I also like the one of her climbing out of the mirror on the wardrobe door.”

“Bec did the two on the closet doors,” I explained. I think the one next to the mirror makes Bec look bossy but I’ve never said that to anybody.

Nana nodded and was quiet for a moment as she watched me with those piercing eyes of hers.

“You seem to be coping better over the last day or so,” she said. “Compared to earlier this week, that is.”

I would have liked to deny that I wasn’t coping but lying to Nana was never a good idea so I just nodded. “The doctor gave me something to think about. It seems to be helping.”

She kept looking at me with those eyes. “Sometimes they give people affirmations to recite. Do you have something like that?”

I was puzzled. “What’s an affirmation?”

“It’s a positive statement about yourself that you recite regularly. They can help people put things into context.”

I nodded. “I have something like that. I’m supposed to look in a mirror and say some stuff. It’s a bit embarrassing.”

“Why is it embarrassing?”

I looked down at my feet. “Because I don’t...”

“Don’t mumble, child.”

“Because I don’t like being alone, so I end up having to do it in front of people,” I repeated a bit louder.

“Who have you done it in front of?” she asked.

“Dan, Dad, Bec, Dan again.”

She slapped my knee and then rocked herself forward and carefully stood up. Then she held out her hand to me. “Come on then.”

I took her hand and stood then let her guide me over to the mirror.

“I think it’s about time you said it for me,” she said. “And look, we have a painting of Bec so you can pretend she’s here listening as well.”

I rolled my eyes at the painting of the nude and bossy Bec. Nana didn’t need any help bossing me around.

So I stood in front of the mirror and recited my little mantra. It really was getting easier to believe that my fears were only temporary, especially since I’ve been feeling a bit better over the last 24 hours or so.

Nana stood beside me with a hand hooked into my elbow while I did all that, then she kissed me and led me back to the bed so we could sit again.

She patted my knee and said, “That’s the idea. Keep doing that, honey, and don’t be embarrassed. They don’t work for everyone but I’ve seen affirmations work too often for it to be a coincidence.”

“Yes Nana,” I said.

Then we sat for a while and I looked at the painting of Bec taking a jump shot. I could almost see her muscles flexing under her skin. The nakedness emphasized her strength and meant there were no clothes to interrupt the smooth clean lines of her body. I know Bec found the nudes embarrassing but nobody could deny that Mum had done a masterful job painting them. I felt a flash of jealousy that Mum hadn’t painted something like that of me. But the truth is, she has – luckily none of them are on my bedroom wall though so maybe I’ll stay quiet about that.

“How much do you know about your father’s childhood?” asked Nana suddenly, breaking into my thoughts about Bec.

I blinked and thought about her question. Then I took a deep breath.

“I know he was beaten on his back with, like, a stick or something because I’ve seen the scars. I guess that was his original father. I only found out from Bec last weekend that Grandma Stone wasn’t his real mother. I never knew that she adopted him and Aunt Penny when they were teenagers. I know that something really awful happened to them both when they were little but I don’t really know any details about that. All I really know is that it kind of messed them up. Bec thinks we moved to America because his original father got out of prison and came looking for us.”

“That’s right, he did,” said Nana. “And something really awful did happen to Peter and Penny. Their father treated them very badly. He used them for sex and made them perform sex with each other and with other young children. It was all done in front of a camera for a sordid pornographic magazine. I think these days they call it kiddie porn.”

“That’s disgusting,” I exclaimed.

Nana nodded and we sat silently for a moment. I was thinking about Dad and Aunty Penny.

Nana took a deep breath and patted my hand. “Eventually, they escaped and reported their father to the police. That’s how he ended up in prison. It has taken a very long time but both Peter and Penny are slowly recovering.”

“That would explain a few things,” I said to myself. “That’s really awful.”

I guess my face was all screwed up in disgust as I thought about Dad and Aunty Penny being used like that.

“We didn’t really mean to keep it all such a secret but nobody likes talking about such things and it was difficult to know when you were old enough.”

“And you think I’m old enough now? I’m going to be having nightmares for weeks.”

“Perhaps not, but you made yourself old enough by having showers with Dan.”

“Huh?” I’m sure my confusion was written all over my face.

“Peter has said he was exposed to sex with young girls when he was at a particularly young and vulnerable age. He tells us that ever since then he has lusted after young girls. It is something he has had to struggle with for all of his life.”

Nana’s voice was sad and pitying rather than anything else when she said that.

“Are you saying that Dad is a pedophile? He’s never done anything like that with me or Bec. If anything, he’s the exact opposite of that.”

Nana sighed. “Your father is a very stubborn man. He decided that he would never allow himself to abuse a child and as far as we know, he has stuck to that conviction. Unfortunately, as a result, he has rarely allowed himself to have even normal contact with you and your sisters.”

I nodded. “For the longest time, Bec and I thought it was something wrong with us. Finally we worked out that Dad is afraid of what he will do if he is close to a girl our age or younger. But what has this to do with me and Dan?”

“If you and Dan have sex together your father will know. And he will be torn apart by the possibility that Dan is abusing you. Even if in his head he knew it was consensual, something deep inside him would believe it was abuse. And that will destroy his relationship with Dan. And if that happened Dan would probably leave home and cut himself off from the family rather than hurt his father.”

Nana gripped my hand and stared at me. I stared back at her, knowing that she was right.

“And if Dan did that, what do you think would happen with you and Bec?”

I stared at Nana for the longest time. I knew the answer to that question. I guess I was trying to think of ways it wasn’t true and failing dismally.

“I guess we would have to choose between Dan and The Parents,” I said eventually. “And that choice would wreck both of us.”

I slumped and dropped my head. Internally I wept as I consigned my fantasies about Dan and me to that list of fantasies that can never become reality – right alongside me becoming a pop star and me marrying a prince.

By then it was about time for us to go and visit Bec. I helped Nana get dressed and then went to change my own clothes.

I didn’t have anything to say as we drove to the hospital. It was Dan and Nana and Angie and me. I sat in the back beside Angie’s car seat and stared out the window without really taking any notice of what was out there. Oh yeah, and I was feeling twitchy.

When we got to the pediatric psych unit, we found Bec in her room together with Mischa, her anorexic roommate.

Bec was shut down but she latched onto Angie and Dan straight away. I had to laugh because there had been a problem with Bec’s pyjamas and Mischa had dressed Bec up in a set of micro shorts and a micro tube top. She was practically naked. It was an outfit like dance kids sometimes wear for dance practice – when they’re not wearing those stupid leotards that is. It was just as well Bec was shut down because otherwise she would’ve had a meltdown about wearing that outfit. I so wanted to be watching when Bec came around and noticed what she was wearing. Sadly, it didn’t happen while I was there.

Last night, Bec had gotten hold of some paint and done a painting on her wall. It was of her when she was 6 or so from back before we left England. It wasn’t as fine as the paintings in her room, probably because she would have been using those stupid art brushes like they use in elementary schools but it was still pretty amazing. It was a life-sized version of Bec when she was 6 and wearing pyjamas and a robe, with Lucy the doll dangling from one hand. Nobody had any clue what it meant for Bec to do that painting.

Bec had also done a pair of drawings of Mischa – one of her as she is now and one of her at a healthier weight. Mischa had pinned the drawing above her bed like she was using it as a goal. I guess that was why Bec drew it in the first place. It was obviously a Bec drawing but it was kind of flat. She hadn’t put her soul into that drawing like she usually does.

Then there was a drawing above Bec’s bed where Bec had drawn herself as a cat snarling and clawing. I took one look at it and asked Bec what she was upset about but she was shut down so naturally I got no answer.

Nana and I sat on Mischa’s bed and watched while Bec curled up with Dan. Mischa told us that Bec had reacted weirdly last night when she saw Liz for the first time so we figured out that Bec had remembered some more stuff from Monday. That explained why Bec was shut down but it didn’t explain why she had painted her 6 year old self or drawn herself as an angry cat.

So Nana and I sat on Mischa’s bed and we watched Bec trying to crawl her way into Dan’s chest. Angie decided Mischa needed her hair brushed so Angie bossed Mischa into getting her hair brushed. I had my arm around Nana and she had her arm around me.

I quietly said to Nana, “Bec knows all of that stuff about Dad, doesn’t she?”