Chapter 15: Thursday evening, Tara

Editor’s Note:
The next page is a copy of a page from Tara’s journal. It is not dated but the meeting it describes occurred on the evening of Thursday, December 2nd.

So I had another meeting with the Doc. It would be wrong to say they had to drag me there kicking and screaming but I didn’t want to go. They made me. When I say ‘they,’ I mean my family. They didn’t even bother to ask how I was feeling or if I wanted to talk to the doctor, they just told me I had an appointment and took me to his office.

The Doc met me outside his door. I told him I was fine and I didn’t really need to see him. He said he was happy to hear that. Then he invited me inside for a little talk.

Of course, talking to the Doc involved just me and him sitting in his office. Me, sitting there without anybody to hang on to. It took maybe two minutes for me to degenerate into a quivering mess.

I had a couch to sit on – none of that lying down crap they talk about in movies. He sat on a fancy looking office chair. The type with armrests and wheels so he could slide around the room and do pirouettes without leaving his chair – not that he did, but he could have if he wanted to.

I sat down, he sat down. He asked me how I was coping.

I said I was fine.

He said, “Uh huh! In my experience, when a teenager says they’re fine, often they really mean the acronym F.I.N.E.”

I asked him what that was and he said, “Freaked, Insecure, Neurotic, Emotional.”

That made me smile. Well it was kind of funny. I said, “No really. I’m fine.”

Then he said, “So, tell me about Monday.”

I shrugged. I sat there and didn’t say anything. I guess I was trying to work out what I could say and nothing popped up as being worth saying out loud. So I sat there and didn’t say anything and he sat there watching me.

All this time, I was sitting on my own with nobody to hang onto. Like I said before, it took maybe two minutes before I crumbled into a quivering mess.

He stood up and went to the door. Without leaving the room he leaned out and spoke to someone outside. A moment later Dan came in and sat down beside me on the couch. Dan shifted me so I was on his lap and put his arms around me. The Doc opened a drawer in his desk and pulled out a portable CD player and headphones which he handed to Dan.

Dan said he had a set just like that at home. He took the player, put the headphones on and pressed play. A moment later Dan took the headphones off and looked at the doctor. “Nirvana? Really?”

The Doc spread his arms out and said, “What can I say? It’s my secret vice.”

Dan shrugged and put the headphones back on.

Then the Doc looked back at me. I’d mostly calmed down once Dan was there and holding me but I was still a bit shaky.

He pointed at Dan, “Dan’s here so he can hold you but he can’t hear what you’re saying unless you shout. Anything we talk about is between you and me. I’m not allowed to tell your family, or the police, or anybody else, anything that you tell me in this session. If you start talking loudly, Dan might hear. Are you okay with him being here?”

I nodded. Obviously I was okay with him being here.

“So,” said the Doc. “I think we’ve established that you aren’t actually fine but you are F.I.N.E. And we’ve also established that I know what it takes to make you feel okay – at least in the short term. Do you think we can skip past all the denials and get down to what the problem is?”

I stared at him. I never expected him to be so confrontational.

“I want you to go through with me what happened to you on Monday,” he said.

I took a big breath and let it out. “Bec and I were grounded because of stuff that happened at school. We had to stay home and look after Angie. Dan had to go into work because the other manager got in a car accident or something. Mum and Dad went out to the opening of a jazz club. They won free tickets or something. So it was just me, Bec and Angie.”

I grabbed Dan’s arm and pulled it closer to me.

“The doorbell rang. Angie thought it was Dan or Dad because she could see a silhouette through the frosted glass on the door. I shouted at her not to do it but I was too slow. Angie opened the door.”

The Doc nodded at me and made a couple of quick notes on his pad. Then he looked at me.

“Go on,” he said.

I took a deep breath. “Two men forced their way in through the door. I scooped up Angie and tried to get her away from them. I got knocked and I fell. My head hit the table and I went unconscious. The next thing I remember, the EMTs were checking me.”

“Tell me about the two men,” he said.

I shrugged. “It all happened so fast, I can’t really say much.”

Dan stirred and waved his hand. “Um,” said Dan. He took the headphones off and looked back and forth between me and the Doc.

Then he tucked his finger under my chin and turned my head so that I was looking straight into his eyes. He looked into my eyes for a moment and he had this really disappointed expression on his face.

“You’re lying,” he said to me. Then he turned to the Doc. “She’s lying. I don’t know what she’s saying but whatever it is, it isn’t true. Well, some of it might be true but most of it isn’t. She’s lying.”

I scowled and slapped his arm. “No I’m not. Why would you say that?”

He used that finger to swivel my head back so that I was looking into his eyes again.

“Tara I’ve known you for all of your life. The first time I held you was less than 15 minutes after you were born. I’ve helped look after you ever since. For some of that time I was the main person looking after you. Do you think I haven’t figured out by now how to tell when you’re lying?”

I glared at Dan. I was feeling angry and frustrated that Dan was interfering.

“I hate you,” I said. “I hate you when you do this to me. Why can’t you leave me alone?”

He looked at me and smiled. Then he shifted his hands so both hands were holding my head like it was a football. That old head of mine was not going anywhere. I guess I got an understanding just then of why nobody ever manages to knock the ball out of his hands during a game. My head was completely surrounded by his fingers – well, maybe not literally, but it felt like that.

Then he moved my head towards him and he kissed my forehead.

He moved my head away again and held me still so that I was staring right into his eyes from about five inches away.

“Tara, you don’t hate me. You don’t want me to leave you alone. You know that I love you and you know that I will do anything to look after you. Right now you’re not okay. You’re not coping with what’s been happening and you need help. The doctor is trying to help you. You need him to help you. He can’t help you if you lie to him.”

Then he guided us together so that our foreheads were resting together and held us together like that for a moment. Then he blew a raspberry on the tip of my nose – a big, wet, noisy raspberry.

He let me go and put the headphones back over his ears.

I looked at the Doc and he looked at me.

“I really don’t remember,” I said.

“Lie!” called out Dan without even removing his headphones.

I slapped at the nearest bit of Dan I could reach which happened to be a bit of his thigh.

The Doc cleared his throat and shifted in his chair. “Perhaps it would be better if you started out with something that is true.”

I looked at him and nodded but I didn’t know what to say.

“Would it be true to say that you remember some things that you haven’t told anyone yet?” he asked.

I nodded.

“Would it be true to say that you aren’t ready to talk about those things yet?”

I nodded.

“I want to hear you say it,” he said.

I sighed and looked down. “There is some stuff I saw but I haven’t told anybody. I don’t really want to talk about it.”

The Doc nodded with a little encouraging type of smile. Dan put a quick kiss on the side of my head.

“Okay, let’s talk about what’s happened since then,” he said.

I shrugged. “What do you want to know?”

“What’s been happening since Monday from your point of view?” he asked.

I flapped my hands. “Bec’s been in the hospital. At first I couldn’t get to see her, but then when I finally did get to see her she was acting crazy. Mum went crazy and we had to put her in here as well. Angie stopped talking and kept peeing her pants so we had to put her back in nappies. Dad and Dan have been, well, I guess they’ve been mostly okay except for being angry and frustrated with themselves for not being around when we needed them. Our house was a crime scene and crawling with police. We had to stay two nights with Mr Davidson and Liz because of that, but we’re back home now. We’ve had media people buzzing around like mosquitos. I haven’t been back to school all week. Neither has Dan. Is that what you wanted to know?”

He nodded. “And what about you? How have you been feeling?”

I sighed. “I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I was feeling a bit shaky after it happened. I expected it would go away after a bit but instead I’ve been getting worse.” I hugged Dan’s arm. “It’s like I can’t stand being left alone. I get scared and shaky if I’m not with someone. Like you saw before.”

He nodded. “Are you frightened of something specific happening, or generally scared of being left alone?”

I thought about that but I didn’t know how to answer so I shrugged.

Then I said, “I guess I’m worried about them coming back.”

He looked at me and nodded. “Does that seem realistic? Thinking logically from what you know, do you think they’re likely to come back?”

I shrugged. “I guess probably not but maybe.”

“Does it matter who you’re with? Does that change the feelings you’re having?”

“I guess so. I mean Dan is better, or Dad, or Bec. Mum is okay but not so much when she’s all drugged and sleeping. Mr Davidson is pretty good. Nana is good. Angie helps a bit but not for long periods of time.”

“Mostly I’m hearing people that you know and trust,” he said. “People that you trust to protect you.”