Chapter 14: Thursday afternoon. Bec.

Editor’s Note:
The next page is unlabeled but it is in Bec’s recognisable handwriting on hospital stationery. The context indicates it belongs here. Thursday 2nd December.

I don’t really want to write about what happened this morning.

It’s embarrassing.

Now I think about it, I felt like I was taking part in some grand epic story full of witches and centaurs and daring escapes and great battles. Maybe I could write that story sometime, but not today.

Parts of it are fuzzy in my head. I do know that I was completely convinced I was in Narnia. What I was seeing and what I was experiencing totally matched that in every detail. For some reason, it never even occurred to me how weird that was. Or maybe I should say that my stupid brain refused to recognize that what I was seeing didn’t fit with Narnia.

Well, maybe towards the end I noticed a few things that made me wonder.

Dr K (who I thought was Aslan – O.M.G.) convinced me that I had to return to the real world by going through a portal. I stood up after crawling through the portal. I looked back and saw that it was just a kids’ play area. That’s when it all started to hit me.

I was embarrassed that I’d been so stupid. I climbed up Dan and tried to disappear into his chest. Every minute I hung onto him, I remembered something else I’d done to be embarrassed about and that made me want to crawl further inside Dan. I might have said something to Dan but I honestly have no clue what I said.

It was all too much. My head filled with fuzz and I retreated from the world.

I wasn’t aware of much that was going on around me until we made it back to the ward. I think Dan carried me the whole way. He might have whispered in my ear a few times. Mostly I think he was trying to reassure me that everything was okay.

After we came through the secure door, a girl who was a resident of the ward just happened to be near the door. She was screaming at one of the nurses but when we came through, she saw Dr K and decided to go for him. Mischa was between her and Dr K so the girl grabbed Mischa and shook her a couple of times, swearing in her face before shoving her to one side and trying to do the same to Dr K. The nurses and Dr K quickly surrounded the girl and shifted her away from Mischa but by then the damage had been done. I could see in Mischa’s face that she was totally freaked out. What had just happened made her flash back to something dark in her past and it sent her into a bad place.

I was watching all of this from my place on Dan’s shoulder. It was like I was watching it all happen in the distance through a telescope. I could see what was happening but I felt powerless to do anything about it. Dan had stepped sideways and turned so that his body was between the girl and both Pearl and me but I could still see from over his shoulder.

I watched as the nurses surrounded and restrained the angry girl. She was still swearing and lashing out but she was not much older than me and no match for the determined group of adults surrounding her. In the meantime, Mischa had bolted ahead and dashed into her room with Dr K beside her. Dr K bustled her inside and ushered Dan, Pearl and me in after her, then he went off towards the clump of nurses surrounding the girl near the entry door.

Dan sat down on my bed and swivelled me around so that I was on his lap. I nestled into his chest and watched Mischa. I was still watching from a distance and unable to interact but I could see Mischa sink further and further into her bad place. During the attack the girl had grabbed Mischa’s loose outer clothing and now she stripped it off and threw it into a corner of the room like it was diseased. She still had her little shorts and tube top on so it wasn’t like she was stripping to her underwear or anything. Mind you, the shorts and top are little more than underwear as far as I’m concerned but, when it’s hot, some girls wear that sort of outfit around and nobody blinks. I would never wear anything like that but some girls do.

Mischa crawled onto her bed and retreated into the corner. Then she looked around and saw us sitting on the other bed. Her eyes were wide open and full of panic. I think that after being jumped by that other girl, now she expected us to jump her. She retreated back until she was pressed against the wall behind her and pulled her legs in front of her like a shield.

I couldn’t do anything but stay curled up in Dan’s lap and watch. The tiny Nice Bec that lives inside my head and wants to look after everyone wanted to help her but my arms and legs weren’t listening to Nice Bec. All I could do was sit and watch and wish I could do something.

After a bit, she must have figured we weren’t going to attack her but then something else was going on in her head and I wasn’t sure what. Her eyes were wide and darting wildly around the room. I could see that some of her focus was on me and the way Dan was holding me. My brain was working slowly and it took a while for me to realize that Dan was scaring her. It’s easy to forget how some people are frightened of Dan because of his height and bulk.

Tara arrived, looking hassled. She wasted no time in burrowing in beside me so that Dan would include her in his hug. She greeted Mischa but Mischa was too far gone. Actually I started to see something new in her face as she stared across the room at us. I thought that maybe it was surprise.

Then Dad came in and Mischa freaked again. Dad quickly figured out that something was wrong and sat himself down on the bed so that he would be less imposing. That seemed to help a bit but Mischa’s eyes still betrayed her level of panic.

I shifted to get close to Tara and forced words out through the fuzz.

“You need to go to Mischa. She needs a hug,” I told her. “Hug her hard so she know she’s been hugged.”

Tara complained and said I should do it but that wasn’t going to happen. It had been such a massive effort to get the words out that actually moving my whole body at that instant was out of the question. I figured I was going to have to move soon so I started trying to fight my way through the fuzz but it was going to take time. Tara took a bit of persuading but eventually she shifted over to the other bed and started trying to calm Mischa. Tara doesn’t think she’s very good at stuff like that but she can do it when she tries and this time she was trying.

About then, an idea finally worked its way out from the fuzz in my head like a candle being carried out of the mist. Tara hadn’t been objecting because she didn’t think she could look after Mischa. She’d been objecting because she didn’t want to let go of Dan. I looked at Tara and saw that while she was holding on to Mischa, she was desperately in need of someone to hold onto her.

Finally I managed to get my body moving. I struggled my way off Dan’s lap and gestured at Dan and the others that they should leave. Then I crossed the room to Mischa’s bed. By this time Mischa was curled into Tara’s chest and sobbing. I sat beside them and enclosed both of them in my arms.

Tara and I looked at each other across Mischa’s curled up form. She looked into my eyes and I looked into hers. In the depth of her eyes, I saw the pain and fear that Tara had been trying so hard to hide. Despite all of that effort, she was failing to hide it and failing badly. The only reason I hadn’t noticed was that I was too caught up in my own issues.

Tara was whispering calming words to Mischa and I was whispering similar sorts of things to both of them. Behind me Dan and Pearl and Dad quietly left the room. They didn’t go far. I could see them out of the corner of my eye as they settled into some seating out in the common area just beyond the door of the room. From there, they could still see us and we could still see them.

After a short time, Mischa stopped sobbing and her breathing evened out. She might have been sleeping or as near to that as makes no difference. By that time, Tara was a bit more relaxed too. Having me holding her seemed to have helped.

Tara looked at me. “So why did they all leave?” she whispered.

I glanced down at Mischa and she seemed to be out of it. I think Tara knew the answer to her question but I thought maybe she wanted to talk with me and this was her conversation starter so I went with it.

“We were crowding her,” I explained. “Mischa had this room all to herself and then I got moved in and suddenly the room was full of people. She was having a panic attack.”

“Just because we were in the same room, sitting on the other bed?”

I shook my head. “No, not just because. When we came back onto the ward, there was a kid going wild at Dr K and Mischa copped some of that. I found it a bit scary and it would have been worse for her. Then she came into here which used to be her safe place and we all crowded in after her.”

“So she had a panic attack,” whispered Tara. “And you saw that and sent me over to her.”

I nodded and then tilted my head to point out to where Dad and Dan where sitting. “Also, Dad and Dan seemed to scare her.”

Tara turned her head to look out at them for a moment. “They are kind of big. We tend to forget how scary some people find big people.”

I nodded. “True. But it was more than that.” I glanced down at Mischa to check that she was still sleeping. “I think she’s had some bad experiences with men – or maybe just one man.” I shrugged to indicate I wasn’t completely sure of the details.

Tara’s eyes went wide. “Do you mean she was...” Tara stopped herself talking but her eyes filled in the words that were missing.

I frowned and looked down at Mischa. Not that looking at her back helped. Most of what I thought was going on with her had come to me while I was watching her through the fuzz. And also some stuff that I’d noticed while I thought I was in Narnia. I had to carefully sift what was real out of all the stuff that wasn’t.

I shrugged. “I don’t think so,” I said cautiously. “More likely general physical stuff. Being hit or pushed around or whatever.” I stopped and chewed my lip while I tried to put together the clues that I’d seen. “Also I don’t think she’s had a lot of affection in her life – not for a long time anyway.”

I ran my hand over Mischa’s shoulder and down the outside of her arm. Trying to imagine what her life must have been like was bringing me close to tears. And that was before I knew any actual facts. I decided then that I was going to do everything I could to help Mischa. Well, maybe I’d already decided, but in that moment I decided again. I stroked her arm again and I noticed Tara smiling at me. She knew what I was thinking about.

We were both quiet for a moment. I was watching Tara and seeing the play of emotions across her face.

After a moment I whispered to Tara, “So, are you going to tell me what’s going on with you?”

Tara made her face go blank and said, “What?”

I smiled at her to let her know that I could see straight through her. Then just in case she wasn’t reading smile language today, I spelled it out for her. “You’re as jumpy as a frog on steroids. It’s like you’re barely holding yourself together.”

Tara tried to keep her blank face going and said, “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

I snorted at her to let her know what I thought of that statement. She knew exactly what I was talking about.

“You’ve been trying to hide it but I can see it as plain as day.”

I tilted my head to one side and studied her for a moment.

“Is this about whatever happened on Monday?”

Tara’s face told me the answer to that question.

“It really freaked you out, didn’t it? You were there and it happened to you as well as me, whatever it was.”

This was really starting to bug me – not knowing what had happened. Now I knew that Tara had been there too and I couldn’t help her because I didn’t have a clue what had happened.

Tara shrugged. “I don’t remember much. I knocked my head. Remember that bump on my head? Then I don’t remember anything after that.”

She was acting far too casual. The comment sounded rehearsed. She was lying through her teeth. I figured that the only way to help her was to call her on it.

“Is that what you told everybody? That you were unconscious and that you didn’t see anything?”

“That’s right. I was.”

It made sense that she would tell people that if she was trying to tough it out but that approach clearly wasn’t working. I decided to tease it out of her.

“Fibber,” I said.

“What?”

“Liar, liar, pants on fire,” I said in a sing-song voice.

Tara pouted. “It’s true.”

I groped around in the blank part of my brain where Monday’s memories seemed to be hiding, looking for something that I could use. I had a few images that had come to me but they were disjointed and I wasn’t sure where they fit. Then I found something new.

“I remember you lying on the ground or on the floor or something and looking up at me. Your eyes were open. I was trying to help you and you were watching me.”

Tara looked at me with a puzzled expression on her face. “You remember?” she asked.

I shrugged. “Not really. I’m starting to remember bits and pieces but they don’t make sense.”

Tara shivered. “I was so scared,” she whispered. “I heard what they were going to do to us and I was so scared.”

An image came to me of two figures standing over Tara and Ange in our entry foyer. I could hear their harsh voices as they spoke to each other. I was peering into the entry from the kitchen. It was only an image because then I ducked out of sight.

It was the Minotaur and the Wolf come to kidnap my sisters for the Witch – except I knew that wasn’t right. Narnia wasn’t real.

I shook my head to clear the image so I could look out of my eyes at Tara. I rubbed her back and shoulder where my hand was resting and she looked at me with scared and tear-filled eyes.

“It’s okay,” I said. “We’re all going to be okay.”

I wished I believed that myself, but I tried to be convincing for Tara’s sake. Judging from the grateful look in her eyes, I figure I must have been successful.

“I’m sorry,” said Tara. “I don’t know why I’m crying. You saved us and I know it’s over but I still get so scared.”

“How did I save you?” I asked. “What did I do?”

“The Doc said we mustn’t tell you stuff like that. I’m sorry. I want to but he was so strict about it – because of the police and everything.”

Typical Tara. She has to choose that moment to do what she’s told for the first time in forever. But she’d given me three little clues, so that was something.

I sighed. “Okay. I understand.”

I was frustrated and cross but there was no point saying that, so I didn’t.

Tara was crying so I stopped talking and sat there rubbing her back and giving her what comfort I could. Despite worrying about Tara, I was still watching Mischa. I wasn’t completely sure that she was sleeping so I ran my other hand gently up and down her arm, trying to make her feel reassured. Somehow, despite her own distress, Tara mirrored my movements on Mischa’s other arm – and she thinks she’s bad at looking after people. Hah!

A moment later, Mischa shifted and sat herself up. Tara and I made sure that we maintained contact as she sat and then resumed holding her.

I looked at Mischa. “Are you feeling better?”

She nodded. “Much. Thanks.”

She seemed to shiver. I wondered if maybe she was unused to such careful attention.

Tara picked up the shivering but maybe misinterpreted it. “Are you cold?” asked Tara. “We could find a jacket or something for you to wear. Or maybe wrap a blanket around you.”

She shook her head. “The shrink makes me dress like this. This is all your Mr Tumnus’ idea.”

I rolled my eyes. “I’m so embarrassed about that. Obviously he was never Mr Tumnus.”

Mischa grinned at me. “Yes. You figured that out. He didn’t have hooves so he couldn’t be a real faun.”

I blushed.

“Sorry,” said Mischa. “I shouldn’t tease you about it.”

I rolled my eyes. “I guess I deserve it,” I said.

Mischa turned to Tara. “I’m not cold,” she said. “They keep it warm in here for me. I’m kind of used to it now.”

Tara looked her up and down. “The Doc probably makes you dress like that so that you can’t kid yourself about what you look like,” said Tara. I was thinking the same thing.

“I bet you used to wear really loose and baggy stuff all the time before the Doc got hold of you,” said Tara.

I nodded at Mischa. “It’s the only possible reason for him to do that. He probably thinks you made yourself too thin and he wants you to stop pretending to yourself that everything is okay.”

Mischa looked embarrassed. “It took me ages to figure that out. At first I figured everyone here were just perverts who got turned on by my bony ass. I only figured out the real reason today. It was just like you said.”

“It would work better if you were naked,” I muttered.

Mischa giggled. “That’s what your Mr Tumnus said, but then he said he couldn’t do that.”

“Well he wouldn’t be allowed, would he?” said Tara. “They have rules about what doctors can do and keeping someone naked, especially someone our age, would definitely not be on the list.”

I shuddered. “It’s probably just as well. If it was, he would make me go naked too and I would hate that.”

Mischa gave me a weird look. “Do you have, like, an eating problem too? You don’t look like it.”

“No,” said Tara. “She’s just incredibly shy. It’s a bit of a family project to help her get over that.”

I clenched my teeth. It’s not exactly my favorite family project.

Mischa looked at me with surprise. “But you led the charge down in the Children’s Ward before.”

“Aargh!” I said. “Don’t remind me. My stomach was so screwed up in knots when I did that – I thought I was going to vomit.”

“What charge?” asked Tara.

Mischa started to tell the whole story but I really wasn’t ready to sit and listen to the whole thing so I stopped her. “Can we talk about that another time? I’m so going to get Dr K for doing that to me.”

“But if you hated that, why did you do it?” asked Mischa.

I shrugged. “At the time, I thought it was the only way I could get to Tara and Ange.”

Tara grinned at me. “Bec is really, really protective of us. She would do nearly anything if she thought we were in danger.”

Everyone went quiet for a moment.

Then I said, “I’m really sorry you got so freaked out by my family before. Are you feeling better now?”

Mischa nodded. “Yes. I don’t know why I got like that.”