Chapter 13: Mischa, Thursday afternoon

Editor’s Note:
The next document is another extract from the journal of Mischa Doeple

Thursday Afternoon, December 2nd.

I sat on my bed with my legs tucked up into my chest and shook.

Across the room from me was the scariest guy ever. He was huge like a mountain. He sat on the other bed and he held my roommate trapped. Those big muscly arms were like iron bars locking her in place. She didn’t even try to struggle, there wasn’t any point. He was more than twice her size. I saw one of her hands rest lightly on his forearm like she would push it away from her if she could but it was pointless to even try. Her head was trapped against his chest and she just lay there, defeated and drained of energy and life.

Bec’s eyes had been closed before but now they were open, staring across the room at me from within the shadows of her cage. Those eyes called out to me, begging me to rescue her, to help her, to do something. But there was nothing I could do. So I sat on my bed and hugged my legs tightly against my chest and shook. I was so fucking scared that I couldn’t move.

We weren’t alone. The girlfriend was there as well. She sat tucked next to him, gripping Bec’s legs as she helped the man pin my poor roommate in place. What was her name? Pearl, that’s it. And his name was Dan. They seemed so nice before.

I figured they were pretending because the shrink was around. But he was gone so they’d stopped pretending to be nice.

I guess I shouldn’t be surprised. That’s how people are.

I was shaking like a leaf. I was trapped in place by that desperate stare. Trapped in place by my own cowardice. Trapped in place by my own terror. She needed to be rescued and I could do nothing. I felt so useless. I’m so pathetic.

Another huge man stepped through the door. I squeaked in terror and tried to disappear backwards through the wall behind me.

It was the father. He looked back and forth between Bec and me. He glared at me like he was angry. I don’t know why. I never did anything to him but he was so angry. I kept trying to press back into the wall. I was terrified he was going to come at me.

He stepped forward and I whimpered with fear. But then he slid sideways and sat down on the bed beside Pearl. He sat there and looked at me with a weird expression on his face. He looked like maybe he was trying to decide if he could eat me. He looked hungry.

A girl followed him into the room. It was the sister. She looked nervously around the room. She gave me a thin sort of smile and said “hi,” even though we’d never met.

Then she said, “You must be Mischa. I’m Tara. I’m Bec’s sister – well, one of them.” She kind of rattled it off like she was following a script – like she didn’t care about me one way or the other. I expect that from people now. I guess I’m used to it.

She had the same weird accent that Bec has. From up close, they looked really similar. They looked like sisters. I could see little differences between them but at first look you might think they were twins.

Tara walked over to where Dan had Bec trapped on his lap. Then the most amazing thing happened.

Dan opened his arms and held them out of the way while Tara hugged Bec. That wasn’t the amazing thing.

Bec kind of leaned forward away from Dan’s chest to return the hug. That wasn’t the amazing thing either.

Tara let Bec go and swung around to sit down next to them. Bec reached out and pulled Dan’s arms back around her. She leaned back into his chest and pulled his arms back around her like she wanted them wrapped around her.

That’s when my world turned upside down. I’d been looking at everything all wrong. Dan wasn’t holding Bec in place, he was hugging her. And Bec wasn’t trying to escape, she wanted to be hugged. She liked being hugged – by a man – by her brother! That was the most amazing thing. She wanted him to be holding her.

I watched in surprise as Tara burrowed her way under one of Dan’s arms so that she was included in the hug. Then she let out a sigh and relaxed. That was amazing too. She actually calmed down and relaxed when she was being hugged by this huge scary man who was her brother.

I couldn’t imagine anyone actually wanting to be held by her brother. That kind of rubbish only happens on stupid TV shows. But there it was, happening right in front of me.

I was still freaked out but I was also confused.

I know how the shrink had been going on about stuff before he made me crawl through that stupid tunnel. He was saying that I was imagining that I lived in a world where everyone was nasty. He was trying to tell me that the world really isn’t like that. Later on I figured out this was about what he said, but right then I was so freaked out that I couldn’t think about that.

I’d been freaking out ever since we came back to the ward and it was like that changed the way I saw everything around me.

Tara looked across at me and smiled at me again, only this time it looked a bit nicer.

Then she said, “Are you okay?”

I didn’t say anything because I was still trying to wrap my head around what was going on.

I heard some whispering from the other side of the room, but I don’t know who was whispering because I’d stopped looking. I was staring down at my toes.

Then someone sat down next to me. Gentle, feminine arms wrapped around me and I was pulled sideways into a soft chest.

I’m not used to being hugged.

I’m really not used to being hugged.

And now I was being hugged.

It was too much. Everything was too much.

That’s when I lost it.

Editor’s Note:
The next document is an extract from the journal of Tara Freeman.

Thursday, 2nd December

I was totally locked out of the whole Narnia adventure. It sounded like heaps of fun but I missed out because SOMEONE decided I needed to be rescued and taken “somewhere safe”.

Seriously?

Where Dan is, that’s where I’m safest. And where was Dan? With Bec.

That’s where I should have been. Duh!

If Bec had been thinking logically, she would have figured that out. But I guess that’s the point. She wasn’t thinking logically. So I missed out on Narnia. That sucks. It sounds like it was fun. I ended up in the adult unit with Mum and Dad and Nana and Angie. On the plus side, Mum was better. She was sitting up and making sense which was nice. Her hands are still wrapped in bandages and the doctors are going to have a meeting to decide whether she can be discharged or if she needs to spend more time in the psych unit too. I wonder if they give a family discount – two for the price of one, or something. Except she gets to be in the adult ward instead of the kids’ ward. Maybe they need to set up a family ward.

So we sat around Mum’s bed and made small talk while all the excitement was going on downstairs. It wasn’t fair. Guess who everyone wanted to talk about? Yep, Bec again. Or Angie. Or Bec and Angie. Sometimes I feel like the forgotten sister. I was sitting right there but nobody asked me how I was doing. Not that I would have told them but it would’ve been nice to be asked. So I sat on my chair and clung onto Dad’s arm and tried to pretend that I was okay.

And for a little time, maybe I was okay – more or less.

Eventually we got the word from Pearl that Bec was back from Narnia and they were all heading back to the kids’ psych unit. Everyone wanted to go and see her but Nana pointed out that we couldn’t all go at once or Bec would feel swamped by the crowd. Dad suggested that he would take me to see Bec and leave Angie with Mum and Nana for a while. That was mainly because Angie had crawled into bed with Mum and gone to sleep so everyone thought it was good to leave her alone and let her sleep.

We went back into the children’s end of the psych floor. Dad saw the Doc coming out of a room and sent me on to Bec so that he could speak to the Doc. I went to the isolation room but it was empty. I started stressing out but then I remembered that she’d been moved to a different room. I had to ask the nurse what Bec’s new room number was before I finally found her as well as Dan and Pearl.

Bec’s roommate was in there too, but by then I was more interested in getting close to Dan than talking to her. I’d been wandering around by myself for all of that time and I was starting to feel seriously frazzled. I gave Bec a quick hug and then sat down next to them and burrowed under Dan’s arm. Bec was dominating his lap but I was able to fold myself into a space up against the two of them and within the security of Dan’s arms. I can’t put into words how much better that felt.

I took a moment and then I looked over at Bec’s roommate. Her name is Mischa and she’s a skinny little slip of a girl. She was wearing a boob-tube and tight little shorts that mostly exaggerated how she wasn’t much more than skin and bone. If I looked like that, I’d probably want to wear something loose and full-length. I tried to say hello but all she did was stare at me with wide eyes. She seemed like the flighty type who would jump at her own shadow.

People in my family do this thing. Not me, but Bec and Dad and sometimes Dan. They look at somebody and seem to just know they need help. Then they go up to whoever it is and they do this horse-whispering type of thing and soon enough they’re looking after the person and making them feel better. I don’t do it. I suck at doing stuff like that. Bec did it with that girl at the Y on Thanksgiving morning. She saw that girl come in the door of the Y and immediately started looking after her. By the end of the morning, Bec had pulled the girl out of her shell and got her connected back with her family and everything. I admire Bec when she does stuff like that. I don’t know how she knows what’s needed. She just does. Dad does it too. And sometimes Dan but not so much. But me, I mostly sit there and then afterwards I think maybe I should have done something or said something.

This Mischa girl looked like someone that one of them would do something about. I wondered who was going to do something. Maybe it would be Dad since Bec was all miserable and wrapped up on Dan’s lap. I could imagine Dad moving over and sitting near her on the bed. He wouldn’t touch her, being the way Dad is and all, but he would start talking in that soft gentle voice of his and draw her in until she felt safe and warm. Then soon she would be talking and before she knew it, she’d be telling him what her problem was and Dad would say something to make her feel better.

I was sitting there and picturing all of that and wishing I could do something like that when Bec nudged me.

Bec leaned into me a bit and put an arm around my neck so that her face was right up near mine. Then she talked in that real quiet whisper voice she uses when she’s kind of out of it and she said, “You should go to Mischa. She needs a hug.”