Chapter 1

I remember the first time I met her, it was after school when I was fourteen. I had been walking home, on my own as usual, a quiet nerdy kid with no friends. I was tall for my age, plain looking and flat chested. Other girls would tease me that I had a boy’s name and I looked like a boy, not helped by my mother cutting my hair herself and cutting it far too short for a girl. Add to that thick almost bushy eyebrows the same dark brown as my hair and the girls at school always found plenty of ammunition for their cruel taunts.

On this day as I was walking down my street two boys from my school grabbed me and started beating me up. The punches and kicks hurt, but what I think hurt me more was the names they were calling me, fag, poofter, gay boy. These kids acted like they thought I was a boy, and that I was gay. I just lay on the floor in a ball and soaked up the pain they dealt me while inside I was screaming “I’m a girl, boys shouldn’t hit girls!”

I barely heard the shrill scream and running feet, I was only aware that the kicking had stopped. Soon gentle hands helped me to stand.

“You ok honey?” I heard. Looking nervously around me I saw the two boys were on the floor, one was rolling around clutching his balls as he cried, the other looked to be out cold. Eventually my eyes reached my rescuer, she looked to be about the same age as me but so much prettier. She was about the same height but she filled the space with a woman’s body while I just had this twig I was saddled with. I think I had seen her around at school, but we didn’t have any classes together and had never actually met.

“You ok?” she asked again.

“Um yeah I think so, but I think I’m gonna have some bruises. Thanks for stopping them.”

She smiled at me and introduced herself as Sophie. She stared a little when I told her my name was Axel.

“Uh isn’t that a boy’s name?” She had asked me.

I explained that my dad suffered from a mild case of dyslexia and had made a mistake trying to spell Alex. I told her how having a boys name and being so ugly had got me teased all the time, this was the first time it had got violent like this though.

Sophie took me back to hers and helped clean me up. When I was sorted as best I could my new friend looked at me critically, she took me in hand that day, her pet project I suppose. She lent me a dress of hers to wear instead of my baggy sweatshirt and jeans, showed me how to pluck my thick eyebrows, ouch!. And finally showed me how to apply makeup and make the best of my hair. That weekend we even managed to persuade my mother to splash out on some new clothes. Sophie took me into town on Saturday morning and choose my new outfits, explaining to me all the time why they would suit my figure better than what I usually wore. By the end of the weekend I loved my new best friend.

After that weekend we were inseparable, for the rest of the school year we met up after school virtually every day. One weekend I would stay at her house, the next she would be at mine. Following Sophie’s advice my wardrobe steadily became more and more feminine. My body also gradually changed that year, small breasts grew, a downy patch of hair between my legs, and my periods started. That last one I could have done without, I was a late starter compared with most of the girls my age, but when they started they started with a vengeance. I think shortly after I began I had a period every two weeks for the best part of a year, complete with cramps that would have felled a dinosaur. Mum took me to a doctor as the almost constant bleeding had left me pale and listless. The doctor told her that I would settle down in time but I would have to be patient, she advised mum to give me iron supplements, great tablets that taste of rusty nails.

With the help that Sophie had given me and my gradually improving body I began to attract a nicer sort of attention from the boys at school, and even managed to make friends with a few of the girls.

By the summer holidays I actually had a fun time on the beach for the first time in years. Sophie and I would go down there with our little bikinis on and have a great time splashing about in the sea and flirting with the guys.

Towards the end of the summer things changed somewhat for us, Sophie had got a boyfriend. I wasn’t jealous of her, or him for that matter, I was happy for her. She would still sleep over at mine or I would sleep at hers once a week or so. She would tell me every little detail of their make out sessions, I heard about the first time she gave him a hand job, how he would massage her titties and eventually the first time she gave him a blow job. I loved hearing about all this and couldn’t wait to get started on my own adventures.

School started again and between school and her boyfriend I saw a lot less of Sophie for a few months. During that time I had my first date with a boy, it was nice, I liked it when he kissed me but I wasn’t ready to go any further than that. I guess he must have expected me to put out on the first date ‘cos he never called again.

Late November I think it was that Sophie came over to my place in tears. She had just gone around to see Anton, and found him with another girl. The girl had her top off and Anton was having nipples for his lunch.

Sophie was devastated and fell into my arms for a hug. We sat on the side of my bed, my arms holding Sophie tightly to me as she sobbed. That was when I realised that I loved Sophie, and I don’t mean as a friend.

Of course I didn’t say anything, it was a very new and confusing thing to me at the time. I mean I was a girl I was supposed to fancy guys, not my best friend.

After Sophie had gone home I sat in my room for hours trying to work out how I was feeling and what it meant. I quickly decided there was no way I could tell her, she was very focused on guys and I didn’t ever want to risk loosing my best friend.

Sophie bounced back quickly in the way that teenagers can. I hid my distraction well, I’m sure she never guessed. We both dated occasionally up until we left school. Whenever Sophie had a boyfriend I would see less of her and although I would feel sad and lonely for a while I truly was happy that she was happy. My boyfriends were more of a type of camouflage. I would let them feel me up and give them a hand job if I had to, but they held little appeal to me really. There was only one person that I wanted and I would never be able to have her.

After school we both spent a couple of years at college. Sophie was doing a hair and beauty course and I studied electronic repair and maintenance, I told you I was a nerd.

Two months before my eighteenth birthday my world came crashing down around my ears. Sophie had been dating Ian for about seven months when she came around to my house bubbling over with excitement. Sophie proudly showed me her engagement ring, Ian had proposed. I think that must have been the hardest act of my life, I was devastated, although I knew she wasn’t interested in me that way, it always seemed like I had a chance, until then.

I went off the rails then, I went down to our local pub later that night and went home with the first guy to buy me a drink. He took my virginity and it hurt like hell, I was dry ‘cos the guy didn’t attract me at all. After that I went back to the pub every night and went home with different guy, I learnt to nip to the loo and apply a generous glob of lube to my pussy before we went back to his place to fuck. I can’t quite decide now whether I was searching for someone that could make me feel like I wasn’t some kind of lesbian freak, or if I was trying to lose myself. I do know I didn’t take care of myself during that time, I was on the pill and I didn’t get the guy to wear a rubber. I know I risked catching some STDs but I didn’t care, I was sliding into oblivion and I was welcoming it with open arms.

I’ll never forget the look of disappointment on my mother’s face when I got home one night, I suppose I had been in slut mode for almost a year by then. That night as I closed the front door as quietly as I could I saw the kitchen light was on, mum was sitting at the kitchen table waiting for me.

“Axel, we need to talk!” she said in a tired voice, it was after three in the morning after all and mum was never a night owl.

I took one look at the expression on her face and sat opposite her, I looked down at the table, I couldn’t face that disappointed expression any longer.

“Yes mum.” I answered quietly.

“I have been hearing things about you lately, things I never thought I would hear.” her voice was sad, I hated myself for letting her down, for not being who she wanted me to be. I couldn’t answer her.

“What on earth has gotten into you Axel, you’re not the girl I brought up anymore.”

I felt the sharp sting of tears behind my eyes. Moments later I found my self around the table on my knees. I was crying hard as I hugged my mother, she hugged me back and I think I cried even harder. Eventually my tears eased and mum leant back and looked at me.

“Well honey, what’s it all about?” she asked softly.

“I ... I ... f ... fell in l ... love with s ... omeone. And, and they aren’t in ... interested in m ... me.” I sobbed as mum gathered me to her breast again.

“Oh darling, have you told him?” she asked gently.

This time I pulled away from mum, I looked down at the floor. I had seen her look disappointed, I didn’t want to see the look of disgust that would follow what I needed to tell her.

“It’s not a him mum,” I mumbled. “It’s a her.”

I waited for her to hit the roof, instead she just pulled me to her once again.

“Sophie?” She asked softly, I nodded as I pressed into her comforting arms. “And this all started when she got engaged?”

Again I nodded and she rocked me gently in her arms.

“How long?” she asked after a pause.

I took a deep breath.

“I think I realised about four years ago.” I told her.

“Oh my poor child, you’ve kept this to yourself for four years!”

I nodded unable to speak.

“Why didn’t you tell me love?”

I sat back on my heels and looked at her, I could see only love and acceptance in her face.

“I guess I was worried that you wouldn’t understand, would hate me for it.” I said, knowing it was silly.

Mum smiled wryly, “I was young once remember, I had a crush on a girl when I was at school, but it faded when I got interested in the boys, I guess that didn’t happen for you?”

“No it’s only gotten worse.”

“You’ve got to tell her love.” Mum said at last, she helped me back to my seat and made me a coffee.

“I don’t think I can mum,” I said as I held my coffee cup. “I know I’m never going to be with her, but I don’t want to risk loosing her.”

We talked all night, mum made me promise to give up my slut act, and I did. It seemed a bit easier to bear now that someone else knew, if I had a bad day I could tell mum and we could talk it through.

Six months later when I attended Sophie’s wedding I hadn’t slept with another man. What I did do in those six months was to find Silks and visit a couple of times. I never went home with anyone, although I did get a few offers. It was just wonderful to sit and listen to a band without any guys hitting on me. I was fascinated with watching the women dancing together, I imagined me and Sophie dancing that way although I knew that could never happen.

I probably saw more of Sophie once she was married than when they were engaged. I know that sounds odd but I was working an afternoon shift in a workshop repairing small electronics circuit boards and Sophie had given up work to be the little housewife. So several mornings a week I would pop into the little house she and Ian had bought. We would have a coffee and chat for a while. Sophie would always be asking me about my love life and I usually replied I had given up on men for the time being.

I can’t say I was exactly happy at that time, but I had kind of accepted that Sophie was happily married and enjoyed what time she could give me.

My life took a downturn about two years later. Mum was at work on the 15th January when she suddenly collapsed, she was rushed to hospital and I got there a few minutes after she did. By the time I got there she was dead. I lost myself in grief for a time, and my Sophie was there for me. I had lost my rock that had kept my life together, and I didn’t even get a chance to say goodbye. I don’t even remember mum’s funeral, what a thing to have to confess. I had been in such a state that the doctor had given me a whole raft of pills to take. I had sleeping tablets for the night, antidepressants and a few other things that kept me zoned out on the day of her funeral. Sophie and Karen, her mum had organised everything for me.

In hindsight I think it was the amount of Sophie’s time that I was taking up that began the break up of Sophie’s marriage. We have argued that one, she says it was on a downhill slide long before mum died, but I think she just doesn’t want me to feel guilty about it.

Anyway, with Sophie spending so much of her time looking after me dear old Ian started looking for company elsewhere. For the first time ever I wasn’t the one to comfort Sophie when she had a breakup. Her mum had to fill the role this time, Sophie knew I wasn’t in a fit state to deal with it, so she didn’t even tell me for two months.

Four months after mum died I began to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I was off of most of the pills the doctor had given me and just had some sleeping pills for the occasional bad night. Sophie took me out for dinner one evening when I had a particularly good day, and over dinner we talked about her problems for a change. I felt a little bit bad about not being there for her, but I was in a positive place and determined to stay there. As we talked I could hear mum saying “You’ve got to tell her love.” but I couldn’t bring myself to do it.

After that night we went out together for a meal a couple of times a week, we joked that we were young free and single and having dinner together in quiet restaurant wasn’t going to help at all. Each time I longed to tell her that she was all I had ever wanted, but I couldn’t get up the nerve to tell her.

Thursday nights when I wasn’t working I would be at Silks. I still didn’t go home with any of the women who made passes at me, although I did accept dances from one or two. One of the girls I often danced with was Jeannie, we were dancing close to a ballad and it was an incredible feeling to hold a woman close to me. My head was resting on her shoulder as I danced with my eyes closed.

When the song stopped Jeannie stepped back slightly and brushed a stray lock of hair from my face.

“Who were you dancing with?” She asked me softly.

“Sorry?” I flushed, in my head I had been dancing with Sophie.

She gave me a sad smile.

“Axel, I may have been in you’re arms but you weren’t dancing with me were you?”

I hung my head, I was embarrassed, Jeannie was a lovely girl and deserved better that.

“I’m sorry, I just can’t help it.”

Jeannie took me to a table far away from the dance floor and encouraged me to tell her about me and Sophie. I think we must have talked for a couple of hours but in the end she had told me the same thing mum had.

“You’ve got to tell her Axel, if you don’t you will never be able to move on,” she smiled “one way or the other.”

“Yeah but how, I’ve tried to tell her dozens of times but I just can’t get the words to come out.”

“I can’t help you with that one girl, if you can’t tell her to her face you could write her a letter or a poem, something like that.”

“Thanks Jeannie, I’ll try to work out how I can do it. Thanks and I’m sorry I tied up your time tonight.” I told her sincerely.

“You’re welcome love, that’s what friends are for.” she gave me a peck on the cheek and left me to ponder how I could do this.

I was just intending to finish my drink and go home when inspiration struck, well it wasn’t really inspiration. The band began playing one of my favourite songs. It was a tune by a band called Kindred Spirit, I had heard it first on a compilation CD and fell in love with the track, it told my story. Paying attention to the band I noticed that some of the girls had moved about on the stage. The lead guitar player was on keyboards and the keyboard player had taken the mike, she seemed to be singing to the bass player. At the end of every verse she would look over at the bassist and her look should have set the air on fire, the look she got back was just as intense. The way the song was sung, it was just so personal, such raw emotion, you just knew she had been through what I am dealing with.

So instead of going home I waited around and had another drink, the germ of an idea growing steadily in my mind.

When the band finished playing I walked nervously over to the stage and went towards the girl who played the keyboards.

“Um,” I started terrified, I had never done anything like this before. “Hi.”

She smiled warmly at me.

“Hi there, what can I do for you?”

“Uh, I was wondering if I could, I mean if...” just then the girl that played bass walked over and slipped her arm around the waist of the smaller girl, she leant forward and kissed her cheek.

“Hi did you enjoy the show?” she asked. I think she may have thought I was hitting on the other girl. I took a deep breath.

“That song you sang earlier, What are we waiting for. um is there anyway I could sort buy a copy of it?”

“Well we haven’t actually recorded anything yet. This place has got the rights to do live performances, but we haven’t gone into the recording bit yet. Sorry.” The taller girl said and went to move away. Her partner stopped her a moment.

“Hold on a sec love. Why do you need a copy of the track, I mean the original is better produced and is easily available.”

“Uh I need to tell someone something and I’ve tried but I ... I can’t just say it.” I tried to explain.

The two women looked at each other and smiled.

“We’ve been there love, um lets go sit down a minute.” the girls each took an arm and led me to a table. When we were all seated Jenny made the introductions before she asked me.

“So, can you just bring her here to listen to the song?”

“Um I don’t think that would work, you see she’s not...” I was suddenly unsure how to phrase it, would they take offence?

Jenny laughed, and the other girl, Kate, just took my hand.

“Oh you poor girl, I know how it is, I fell for a straight girl,” she grinned at her partner. “It took me years to get her into my bed, but it was worth it.”

I blushed a bright crimson I think at that.

“Well, we do a rehearsal most afternoons, why don’t you bring her in when the place is empty.”

“Yeah I could do that.”

“Uh tell me Axel, can you sing?” Kate asked.

“Well, I was in the choir at school, but I don’t think I’m very good, why?”

“Well,” Kate grinned at me. “It’s a very personal message, maybe it would be better if you sang it to her.”

“Me, sing, on the stage.” I gasped, “I don’t think I could, I mean I’m not that good.”

“I don’t think that matters sweetheart,” Jenny smiled, she looked lost in a memory for a moment, it looked like a happy one. “it’s the fact that it’s a personal message, it should be delivered personally if you can.”

“Uh, I guess I can try.” Now I was scared, how could this be any easier than telling her face to face.

By the time I left I had agreed to meet up with the band tomorrow at around four o’clock and we would see if we could put it together. Kate and Jenny had promised to get the rest of the girls to help me. I was reasonably sure that when they heard me sing they would agree that Kate should sing the song for me.

I went to bed nervous but happy, I dreamt that night about how it would go. I would sit Sophie down in front of the stage and pour my heart out to her, at the end of the song she would fall into my arms.

Ok far fetched I know, but what the hell, it was my dream.

Arriving at Silks just before four I went through the empty reception area and into the club. It looked strange in the daylight, more like a warehouse than a club. The girls were on the stage practising a blues number. I just stood nervously by the door, this didn’t seem like a very good idea now that I was here.

“Hi Axel, C’mon over.” Jenny called out to me as they finished the song they were practising.

Jenny introduced me to Chris, Julie and Sally, the other girls in the band. They all greeted me warmly, Sally told me they were all glad to help out and gave me a hug.

“Ok girl, do you need the words or do you know them?” Jenny asked.

“Oh I know them, can we just run through it before I lose my nerve?”

So I stood on the stage while Sally played the intro on her acoustic guitar. Closing my eyes I imagined Sophie was my audience and sang to her how I felt about us.

There was silence for a moment as I finished and listened to the last sad notes from the guitar. The girls gave me a little round of applause which sounded tiny in the huge room.

Then we sat for a while and discussed a few bits I had got wrong. I was surprised at how good my voice had sounded and flushed with pleasure as my new friends congratulated me. We were about to run through the song again when a thought occurred to me.

“Look I don’t want to make you late, what time do you have to get ready for tonight?”

“We don’t.” Sally laughed. “It’s our day off.”

I just sat there open mouthed.

“You mean you gave up your day off, for me?”

They all laughed and hugged me.

“We gave up a couple of hours in a good cause. It wasn’t too long ago that Kate had a similar problem. She waited a long time for Jenny.” Chris said laughing as Jenny flushed.

“Listen Alex,” Sally looked serious. “I don’t want to dampen your excitement, but you have to know that you’re taking a risk. Sophie might not take it well, at least at first, and she may never accept you.”

I sighed deeply.

“I know, but I can’t go on like this. I need to know one way or the other. I just hope that I don’t end up losing my best friend.”

Sally hugged me tightly.

“I hope so too sweetheart. And we will try our best to help. Now let’s give it another try.” she said.

We ran the song through again and this time it went even better. When we had finished Jenny suggested that it might be a bit embarrassing for Sophie to hear this message in front of the band, they decided that they would record me a backing track and we would be on our own as I sang to Sophie. Apparently they could record music to use as backing track but not for sale.

They invited me back on Sunday afternoon to practice with the tape and then I would get Sophie there at three o’clock on Monday.

Chapter 2

“Where the hell are you taking me?” Sophie asked for about the tenth time this afternoon. This time it was as I pulled into the car park of an old warehouse.

I grinned at her and led her around the side of the building and up to the smoked glass doors. I was nervous and excited. Now that I had decided to go through with this I wanted to get started before I lost my nerve.

Sophie followed me curiously as I led her through the expensive looking foyer and towards the door of the club.

“Axel, what the hell is this?” Sophie asked surprised, the foyer was so different from the outside of the building.

“Um, it’s just a nightclub.” I mumbled and led her through the inner door.

Sophie was looking around her as we went into the club. I noticed the girls had arranged for the lights to be lowered as they would be at night. She hadn’t noticed the single spotlight on the stage yet.

“What are we doing in a nightclub in the middle of the afternoon?”

“I need you to listen to something ok. If you could just sit over here.” I led her to a lone chair on the dance floor.

“Well ok.” Sophie sat and watched me walk up on to the stage. I started the tape, as the first notes of Sally’s guitar drifted across the stage I was looking down at my shoes, I took a deep breath and looked up at the woman I loved.

“Long ago a little girl dreamed about a gallant knight,

It’s funny how a dream comes true,

That gallant knight was you.”

Looking out at Sophie I held out my hand towards her.

I could see a look of disbelief on Sophie’s face as the words sank in.

“No one else could love you more than me,”

I looked down at my feet, her expression was so hard to read, shock yes, but interest or disgust, I just couldn’t tell.

I closed my eyes as I poured all my longing into the next lines.

I managed to look up at Sophie again, the look of disbelief had given way to something else, she had stood up and she took a step towards me. Hope surged in my heart as the next verse rang out.

“Yours was the star that I followed,

Without you, there’s no tomorrow”

I looked down again for a moment, I heard footsteps moving away.

My voice became ragged as I heard the door slam shut.

“No one else could love you more ... Than ... Me.”

I opened my eyes to look at the empty chair, the hot sting of tears behind my eyes as I slowly collapsed to the floor.

A few minutes later I was being held by Sally as she clutched me tightly and rocked me gently. I could feel the other girls close as they tried to comfort me.

“I’ve lost her Sal, haven’t I?” I sobbed.

“I don’t know love, for a moment she looked interested, then I guess she must have lost her nerve. She may come around.”

Eventually I pulled myself together enough to get out to my car. Jenny drove me home while Kate consoled me.

“Do you want us to stay with you for a bit?” Kate asked as Jenny parked my car in my drive. Sally pulled up in her car and parked in the street.

“Uh, no, thanks, but I think I want to be alone for a bit, if you don’t mind.”

“Ok love, take care then.” Kate said as she helped me out of the car and over to my front door.

Closing the door I made my way up to my bed and cried for what seemed like days.

Chapter 3

“Yours was the star that I followed,” the words came unbidden from my lips.

“Without you there’s no tomorrow.” Suddenly I sat up in the bed. The song was right, for me there was nothing left now.

“What am I waiting for...” I moved slowly, listless and drained, as I made my way to the bathroom. I looked in the cabinet and found the bottle the doctor had prescribed, there looked to be enough left. I filled a glass with water and went back to my bed.

“Without you there’s no tomorrow...” I swallowed all the sleeping pills and lay back on my bed to wait, I hummed to myself as I drifted off.

Shortly I was feeling heavy, sleepy, I began to drift off. At the edge of my mind I was dimly aware of a banging from downstairs.

“Stupid time for the postman to want me to sign for something.” I thought as I went under.

Chapter 4

Sophie ran out of the club in a panic. When Axel had started to sing at first she had been confused, she didn’t understand why Axel wanted her to hear this song. Then when she realised what Axel meant by the song shock set in, as she began to feel the pain and loneliness her friend was suffering she wanted to hug her, comfort her. Then the realisation dawned, Axel was in love ... with her! Sophie panicked and ran.