Chapter 5

Those were the memories that were running through his mind as the bus pulled into the Port Authority. Up until that moment he’d been sure of what he was doing. Even if it didn’t work, he thought of himself as being on a romantic quixotic mission. But now reality was setting in. As he got out of the bus, breathing in the diesel fumed air, the uncertainties all returned. He had no idea how she would react to him and the thoughts of their last meeting began to haunt him.

He remained resolute, however, determined to see it through. If she still didn’t want to see him again, so be it. At least he would know and could possibly put it all to rest. He’d come too far now to turn back, besides, he’d rather see an angry Carol then not see her at all and he did want to see her one last time. Once again, he took counsel in the thought that there had to be a reason for Rita to have sent him the picture.

He gathered up his baggage, a suitcase, an overnight bag, and a shopping bag full of presents, and went out to the street. He hailed a cab and rode over to Curt’s apartment. When he arrived, Marion greeted him at the door.

“Come on in, John. Curt said you’d be here this afternoon and I should set an extra place for supper. He’s at the office, he’ll be home later.”

“Thanks, Marion,” he went in and set his baggage down. He pulled three packages out of the shopping bag.

“I come bearing gifts.”

“John, you shouldn’t have. I’m afraid we don’t have anything for you.”

“You’re putting me up for a night or two, that’s more than enough, especially on such short notice.”

“Thank you,” she said taking the packages, “I’ll put these under the tree. I’m afraid you’ll be sleeping on a futon in the other room, it’s all we have.”

“It’ll be more than enough, beggars can’t be choosers.”

“John, if you don’t mind me asking, this is about the girl, isn’t it?”

“Yes it is.”

“You never did tell us just what happened between you two.”

“There’s a good reason; there’s nothing to tell, simple as that. We had a disagreement, she got mad and told me she never wanted to see me again. I have no idea what it was all about and I’ve wanted to find out ever since. The holiday break at school seemed like as good a time as any.”

“Well, I hope you do find out. Are you thinking about getting back together with her?”

“Only every day for the last four months. I guess it will all depend on what I find when I see her.”

“Good luck, then. I hope it works out for you, however you wish.”

“Thanks, it’s going to be all up to her. Now, I have to ask you if I can use your phone.”

“Of course, use the extension in the other room.”

He went into the room that would be his home for the next two days. He sat down on the futon and picked up the phone. He hesitated a few moments then dialed the number. Some part of him was wishing nobody would be at home to answer. Somebody was however; there was the clicking as the receiver was picked up and he heard Rita’s voice.

“Hello?”

“Rita, hi; it’s John Drake. How’ve you been?”

“Oh, John, this is a surprise. I’m fine, how about you?”

“As good as can be expected. I’m in town for a few days, thought I’d come over and see you guys. Any chance you’ll be around tonight?”

“Yes and no, Andre has a thing going on at the gallery this week, he does it every year at Christmas time. I’ll be there and so will Carol. Why don’t you drop by? I’d love to see you again. Oh, and John, one other thing.”

“What’s that?”

“Carol; she’s missed you. She won’t admit it to you but she has, big time.”

“And I her. By the way, I got the picture you sent, thanks.”

“Think nothing of it, it just seemed like something you needed. So I’ll be seeing you tonight then?”

“I’ll be there.”

He had a pleasant meal with Curt and his family. They talked mostly about the holidays, past and present. He was thankful nobody pressed him about Carol; he simply wouldn’t have known what to say. He really didn’t want to explain to anyone about what may well prove to be a fool’s errand on his part. The little he’d told Marion was enough, possibly more than enough. Either way, it would have to do for now.

Later that evening he stood in front of the gallery, shopping bag in hand, steadying himself, bolstered by Rita’s revelation that Carol had missed him. The place was busy, people were coming and going, some leaving with wrapped artwork. Last minute Christmas shoppers, the reason for this pre-holiday shindig. John had to admire the marketing genius of it all.

Finally he stepped in and looked around. The buffet table was set up in the same place it had been last summer, only this time it was heavier with cookies and other holiday pastries than deli food. There were two urns one of coffee the other with hot chocolate. Christmas music was playing softly, loud enough to be heard without drowning out any conversation. Then he spotted Rita and made his way over to her.

“John, you made it,” she quickly kissed him on the cheek, “I really wasn’t too sure you’d come, but I’m glad you did.”

“Yeah, well I’m here,” he held up the shopping bag, “and I brought you guys some stuff.”

“Oh, what have we got?”

“I’m not saying, that’s why they’re wrapped. I figure you can use the bag to raid the buffet table.”

“You’re learning, the only trouble is the table’s full of cookies and fruitcake. I don’t really need too much of them and you can’t fill a bag with hot chocolate. It was a good thought though.” She grabbed his arm and stared to lead him through the crowd. “Come on, they’ve got Carol working, she’s in the back boxing and wrapping whatever we sell.”

As they went towards the back of the gallery, he saw her. She was at a long counter wrapping a framed picture in a generic looking holiday wrapping paper. Her hair was down, like in the picture Rita had sent him, he was amazed at how perfectly she had captured her likeness.

“Yo, Carol,” Rita suddenly shouted, startling him, “Carol, look who’s here. And he brought presents!”

Looking up, she tipped her head to one side and smiled the one-sided half smile that he remembered from the first night. Then she raised her hand and gestured rapidly for him to come over. At least he knew she wasn’t hostile. When he got to the counter, her smile widened.

“What brings you here? Have you been in town long?”

He glanced at Rita and she gave him a mischievous little grin. He realized that once again, she hadn’t said anything to Carol. This seemed to be a habit of Rita’s, springing things on people unannounced.

“Just here for a couple of days, thought I’d drop by and say hello.”

She leaned forward over the counter and put a hand on his shoulder, pulling him towards her so she could kiss his cheek. It was the exact type of friendly kiss Rita had given him, friendly and warm, but giving no hint they’d been lovers a few short months earlier.

“Now, did I hear something about presents?”

“Yeah, something here for both of you.” He set the bag down, “All yours.”

“Looks like two apiece,” Rita said, looking into the bag. “This guy’s filled with the Christmas spirit. Should we open them now, or wait?”

“Doesn’t matter to me, whatever you usually do with Christmas presents.”

“Usually, ‘ Carol chimed in, “we say we’re going to wait until Christmas when we get them, but then open them that same night.”

“Well,” he said, “who am I to ask you to break with your traditions?”

“How did you know we’d be here, where you just wandering around the East Side with a bunch of Christmas presents on the off chance you’d bump into us?”

“I have to go back,” Rita said distractedly, “there are some people looking at one of my paintings.”

Carol watched her friend stroll away. She smiled and shook her head.

“I guess my question was just answered. So, what’s new, anything?”

“No, the school’s closed for the Christmas break, so I thought I’d come for a visit.”

“When did you get in?”

“This afternoon, took the bus.”

“You should have let us know.”

“Well, it was a spur of the moment decision, besides,” he looked at her steadily, “I wasn’t sure if you were still mad at me or not.”

He wasn’t sure if he should have mentioned it or not, but he’d seen no way around it. He saw a look of sadness in her face. She looked down, nervously and then shook her head.

“No, I’m not angry.” That was all she said on the matter. “So, what are you up to? Any plans?”

“Yeah, kind of. I’ve never been up to Rockefeller Center at Christmas, you know, to see the tree and the skaters. And I’ve never been inside St. Patrick’s. I thought maybe I’d go and check them out.”

“I’ve never been to them either. But why St. Pat’s? You never struck me as the religious type, at least you didn’t show it last summer.”

“I’m not overly religious, but I like the artwork and craftsmanship that went into churches. And there’s a majesty to the bigger cathedrals that impresses me. Besides that, people come from all over the world to see it and it’s sitting there right under our noses, so I figure I should see it. Anyhow, I don’t want to go alone, so, since you’ve never been, care to accompany me?”

“When are we talking about?”

“Tomorrow morning.”

“That means I’ll have to get up early. Well, why not? Yes, I’ll see you in the morning.”

John felt her accepting was a good sign. He was still wary, he’d been wrong about her before and wasn’t taking anything for granted.

The next morning he stood with her looking down at the crowd of skaters. It fascinated him that so many could be on the ice at the same time yet nobody seemed to be skating into each other. One girl in particular caught his attention. She was a very good skater, but that wasn’t the attraction. It was the way she went about doing jumps and spins seeming oblivious to the presents of the other skaters. It almost seemed to be a typical New York City thing; she’d go into a spin, one leg extended, blade slashing dangerously through the air, while other skaters paid no attention, ducking and dodging their way by her.

“It must be nice,” Carol said, “to be that young and carefree. None of them has been burned by life yet, they all probably think the rest of their days will all be as simple as this.”

“That’s a pretty deep thought. But we were young once too, and we saw things the way they do now. I wish them all well, hope they’re always on smooth ice and enjoying themselves.” For some reason they were both getting philosophical.

“Oh, don’t get me wrong,” Carol responded, “I’m not wishing bad luck on them or anything. I’m just jealous, I want to feel the way they do, I just can’t anymore.”

John had no response, he looked up at the huge Christmas tree, lost in his own thoughts. He did, however, feel the need to say something.

“It’s one hell of a tree. I think you’d have to see it at night to really appreciate it though.”

He turned and looked at Carol. The chameleon quality of her face constantly amazed him. At times she looked young and vibrant, other times, like now, she appeared older, tired, and frayed.

“Yes, I suppose so.” Then she hesitated, “John, why are you really here? You didn’t come all this way to watch people ice skate, now did you?”

“Sure I did, but I also came to see you. You know that, so there’s no reason to play these kid’s games. The way things ended last summer, that was God awful, I couldn’t let it go like that. Not a day’s gone by that I haven’t thought about you.”

“It was terrible,” she agreed.

“I had to come back, I had no choice in the matter. I had to see you and talk with you one last time. You have to understand, even if we’re no longer a couple, I still want to be your friend. I want more, but I’ll settle for that. I still love you, that hasn’t changed. I still want to be a part of your life, no matter how small a part it is.”

She stood silent, taking his words in. He wondered if he’d spoken out too quickly, putting her on the spot. The last thing he wanted to do was to make her uneasy. He turned and took her by the elbow and looked towards Fifth Avenue.

“Come on, let’s go to church.”

Crossing the street by the Cathedral they saw a bus in front discharging a tour group. A tour guide led them into the building.

“See what I meant? People from all over come here and neither of us has ever been inside. Now let’s go and see what we’ve been missing.”

Once inside, they couldn’t help but be overwhelmed by the size and grandeur of the interior. There were several groups of tourist wandering through, pausing to admire the statuary and the side alters. John led her to an empty pew in the back.

“Let’s sit for a couple of minutes.” His voice was low, slightly above a whisper.

He stepped aside gesturing for her to sit. He watched as she genuflected and crossed herself before side stepping in. She went far enough to leave a place for him before sitting down. He slid in next to her.

“You seem to be the one that’s been hiding their religious fervor.”

“Oh, that,” she whispered back. “I was raised a Catholic; old habits die hard I guess. Besides, when you’ve lived my life, you need all the help you can get. Hedge your bets and don’t offend anyone.”

“So, we’re both a couple of lapsed Catholics, something else we have in common.”

“It seems that way.”

“Look, Carol, we have to talk about last summer. Can we do it quietly, you know, no yelling, no anger, just an honest discussion?”

He looked at her waiting for an answer. This was the reason he wanted to talk with her in the back of the cathedral, hoping in such a place there would be little chance of any histrionics on either of their parts; no chance of it escalating into another full blown argument. She sat briefly quiet; her lips pressed tightly together, then bowed her head and slowly nodded.