Chapter 19

Bob swept his arm round to encompass them all. “Gentlemen, the Chairman rides in my car, and we have coaches for the rest of you. We are going to my official residence nearby, where we shall have a drink and something to eat, and a chance to rest for a while. My ladies are anxious to say hello, and we have a butler in training. I hope you will forgive him if he makes an error; he is new to the job. We try to find a job for every new settler, but unfortunately our Jeeves – as we call him – has limited talents. We hope to train him into the ethos of service, perhaps finding him a post with one of our better-off families.”

This was taken at face value, and the transfer to the residence went smoothly. The delegates gawked at the very basic village that they passed through on the way to the Governor’s residence.

As they approached the door, it swung open. The butler stood attentively as Diane swept forward.

“Gentlemen! Welcome to our humble abode. Jeeves will take your coats if you wish them hung up.” Silently, Jeeves accepted each coat and slung them over his arm before taking them to the small cupboard with many hooks.

Having done that, he looked to Diane Kempe for guidance. She noticed. “Pardon me for a moment, gentlemen. Jeeves, you can go and collect the trays of eats from the kitchen.”

“Yes, ma’am,” he said, and went off there, guided by the smell of food. In moments, he had returned with a tray of pastries, which he brought into the dining room and laid on the table. Diane observed this, and instructed, “Jeeves? Take the tray around, for our visitors to select what they want.”

Jeeves started, then picked up the tray again and began to take it to each of the visitors. He kept his eyes down as he did so, as if afraid to look them in the eye.

As the tray emptied, he said to Diane, “Another tray, ma’am or drinks?”

“Bring in another tray, and your notepad for drinks, Jeeves. Then you can ask the gentlemen what they would like. Remember it is red, white, or rosé wine, sherry, or port. We do not have spirits on this occasion.”

“Yes, ma’am. Will do, ma’am.” He went off, muttering to himself, “red, white or rosé, sherry or port; red, white, or rosé, sherry or port.” A couple of the generals smiled at this hapless fellow.

Jeeves was back a minute later, bearing another tray of eats, which he offered around. Finding only half taken, he laid the tray on the table and fished out a notepad from his pocket. He now approached each of the visitors.

“Wine, sir? Red, white or rosé? Or sherry or port?”

Each said his preference, and Jeeves laboriously wrote it down in block letters. This worked fine until one man replied, “just lemonade for me, Jeeves.”

Jeeves looked thunderstruck, and pondered a moment, before writing ‘Limonade’ on his pad and showing it to the man. The visitor nodded, encouragingly, and Jeeves continued to the next guest.

The Governor was circulating among his guests, making small talk about the Colony, but eventually he was cornered by the chairman.

“Governor? If I may have a word?”

Bob replied, “Please call me Bob. We are friends here.”

“I agree. Call me Felix, Bob. You were told why we are here?”

“No, just that you were a delegation, investigating the colony. We get quite a few of these, Felix.”

“Of course,” he said reassuringly. “Ours is looking at military preparedness.”

The Governor allowed a frown to wrinkle his brow. “MILITARY preparedness, Felix? Whatever for? Military, really? Seems odd.”

“It may seem so to you, Bob, but we have to look into whatever tasks our committees force us to do. In this case, we have to look at how you are set up to defend yourselves. That is all.”

Bob looked puzzled, and asked, “Set up to defend ourselves? Against whom, Felix? Are you considering us being invaded from Earth?”

Felix was startled and laughed at the idea. “Certainly not, Bob. It is just a routine enquiry that we have to deal with. You know what official committees can get into their heads, don’t you?”

The Governor allowed his frown to diminish to a look of confusion.

“It is just, Felix, that we don’t have any plans for defences, because we have no-one to defend from.”

“I get you. Naturally, you would be averse to spending money on a defensive suite for protection, but every country has a similar situation. They don’t intend to be in a fight, so see no need for protection. That I can understand.”

“But Felix, I don’t think you appreciate my point: we don’t EVER expect to have a need for defensive precautions. We are a single colony on a single planet, with no threat whatsoever.”

Felix blinked at this assertion. “NO threat? Not even from pirates or discontented citizens, for example?”

“Pirates? From where? No-one can get to the planet from the solar system with weapons to threaten us. Our citizens don’t even have personal weapons; it is our policy to have an unarmed citizenry. Even our Security Department normally operates without guns. What guns we have are in storage, for the unlikely case of a person of unbalanced mind going berserk.”

“What about discontented citizens? A revolt?”

“If the populace don’t like the way I run the Colony, they are free to elect a successor to me at any time. I shall be happy to stand down, if that is what the people want.”

“You would? You would give up your post as leader, just like that?”

“I certainly would. I was pushed into this job; it was not of my choosing. I was just the guy who was available, and there were no other takers. I blame Diane; she is the pushy one.”

“So if the UN sent a replacement Governor, you would not object?”

“Why would I? Of course, you might have to persuade The Personalia of your proposed change.”

“Pardon? How do you mean?”

“Our friendly aliens. They have their own ideas on what is right and wrong. If they felt that replacing me was wrong; a bad idea, they might refuse passage for the replacement Governor.”

“What? These aliens control our colony?”

“No. Don’t get me wrong, Felix. The Personalia have never said or done anything that is bad for humanity. They have studied human history and absorbed our ideas on morals, constitutions, and suchlike. Unlike humans, they abide by such ideals and apply the concept of right and wrong to any involvement they have with human beings. You will surely approve of them doing all the right things?”

It was now Felix’s turn to be confused. “You have got me puzzled, Bob. Why would they have any objection to a change of Governor?”

“I am sure they have no objection in principle to the idea, Felix. It is more the reasons behind such a change. If I was behaving badly, or was a bad influence on the colony, that would be justification for removing me, but they would want to know all about the replacement before allowing him to take over. They might seriously prefer the advancement of a member of this community who was showing the right attitude towards the advancement of the colony.”

“But, but, how would we know who to appoint?”

“I am sure you can leave it up to the locals, Felix. It is like a small town in America selecting their mayor. You wouldn’t expect the President to do the appointing, would you?”

“Well of course not, but this is the first Colony of Earth. It is much more important than a small town!”

“And your argument is?”

“It is Earth’s Colony, so Earth should have the power to hire and fire the Governor!”

“I see. You are arguing that the American Colonies should have remained under the control of England?”

“That is a different situation entirely.” Felix was beginning to get angry.

Bob decided to let him simmer down.

“Felix, you need time to sit down and think about things. Can I get Jeeves to bring you something in the sitting room, while you collect your thoughts?”

Felix settled a little, and said snidely, “You really don’t have any whiskey?”

Bob smirked. “Of course we have whiskey – Scotch and Bourbon. This is a wine-drinking occasion, but if you would like a whisky in private, that can be arranged.”

Felix warmed to the idea. “If I go through to your sitting-room for a seat, can I have a Jack Daniels on the rocks?”

Bob caught the eye of Jeeves, and summoned him over.

“Jeeves, please escort the Chairman – this man here – to the sitting-room (the one directly across the corridor) and then get him a Jack Daniels whiskey on ice, got it?”

Jeeves nodded to himself, and said, “Yes, sir. Got it. Come with me, sir.”

Jeeves led the Chairman through the crowd and out the door. He stopped there for a moment, visibly selecting which of the doors opposite he wanted, and took the Chairman there, opening it for him to enter.

He ensured that the gentleman was ensconced in one of the comfy chairs, and said to his face, “A whusky on ice, sorr?”

The Chairman insisted, “A Jack Daniels on ice, young man. A Jack Daniels!”

“Yes, sir. A Jack Daniels. Got it.”

He went off to the kitchen where he said to the visiting chef, “A Jack Daniels on ice, please, for the Chairman.”

He said in reply, “The drinks cupboard is that one. You ought to know. Get it yourself, man!”

“Yes, sir. Will do, sir,” but stood there for a moment, as if thinking. The chef looked at him oddly, then changed his mind.

“Never mind. I’ll get it for you,” and proceeded to do so.

Jeeves placed the clinking drink on a small tray, thanked the chef for his help, and proudly bore the tray into the sitting-room.

“Your drink, sir. A ... a Jack Daniels, on ice cubes.”

“It is called ‘on the rocks’, son, “Advised the Chairman.

“Oh. Thank you, sir. A Jack Daniels, on the rocks.” He gave a bright smile of pleasure. “On the rocks, is ice cubes!”

“That’s it, son.”

“On the rocks. I will remember that, sir.”

“Oh, before you go, Jeeves; will you get General Orlov for me?”

“Who is that, sorr?”

“Damn. Of course you wouldn’t know.” He thought. “He is teetotal; soft drinks only.”

“What does that mean, sir?”

“Dammit! I know: the man who was drinking lemonade!”

“Oh, yes sir. The limonade man. Got you.”

“Right. Fetch him here, please.”

Jeeves left and returned to the main party, looking for the lemonade man. Spotting him, Jeeves sidled up to him, and tapped his elbow. “If I may, sir?”

“Who? ... Oh, it is you, Jeeves. What do you want, man?”

“Mr ... Chairman wants to speak to you, sir. Can you come?”

“I suppose so. Where is he?”

“In the other room, sir. I’ll take you.”

The General made his apologies to the man he was chatting with, and followed Jeeves to the door, which Jeeves proudly held open for him. In the corridor, Jeeves counted the doors opposite, and selected the one he wanted.

“This way, sir.”

Once into the room, he spotted the Chairman seated facing him.

“Chairman? You wanted me?”

“Yes. A confidential chat, Freddy. Do you fancy a whisky?” He gestured at his own glass.

“I don’t mind if I do. I can’t stand wines, but a good Scotch suits me fine.”

He turned to speak with Jeeves. “Do you have Chivas Regal?”

Jeeves looked puzzled. “I don’t know, sir. Do you want me to find out?”

“Naturally. Go fetch, boy. With water, please.” Jeeves was dismissed. He went off on his errand.

Arriving at the kitchen, he announced, “Me again. A general wants a Chivas Regal. Have we got that whisky?”

The chef abandoned his oven and shrugged his shoulders. “Let me have a look.” He opened the drinks cabinet and looked over the whisky shelf.

“Hmm. No Chivas, but there is a Laphroaig 10-year-old. If he likes Chivas Regal, he will adore this single malt. Try him with it.”

Accepting the glass of Laphroaig, Jeeves said, “What’s that name again?”

“Laphroaig – say it as laugh – ro – aigh.”

Jeeves managed to pronounce it correctly, and walked back, bearing this trophy. Coming up to the General, he offered the glass, saying, “We don’t have Chivas Regal, sir. This is a single malt – Laphroaig, which we think you will like.”

The general raised his eyes in amusement. “Your own idea, son?”

“No sir,” Jeeves admitted. “One of the staff suggested it. He seems to know his stuff; says it is a ten-year-old.”

“Well, let me see...” The General raised the glass to his lips and sipped. “Hmm ... that IS nice. I’ll put it on my list for stocking at the base. Thanks, son ... er, Jeeves.”

“Thank YOU, sir,” said Jeeves. He looked to the Chairman. “Can I get you anything, sir?”

“I’m okay, Jeeves, but hang around. I may want a repeat.”

“Yes, sir.” Jeeves retreated to stand at an acceptable distance from the pair, and waited.

They dropped their voices, to talk.

“The Governor fellow is a non-starter for weaponising the colony. Claims there is no need for weapons. Freddy, we can’t have that!”

“Quite so, Felix. Our suppliers depend on us for getting them business. Can we by-pass the man? Replace him?”

“Not a chance. These aliens would not stand for it.”

“The aliens??? The spaceships? What have they to do with it?”

The Chairman sighed and said, “Think about it, Freddy. Transportation is in their hands, 100 per cent. They say no, then no transport. They have a monopoly, so we can’t break them.”

“How about being sneaky? Have a retailer of ours here, and send boxes of ‘machine parts’, and get a local military man to accept them?”

“No can do, Freddy. The Colony has a policy of an unarmed citizenry. I am not even sure that your ‘machine parts’ would get through. We seem to be stymied, old son.”

“Stir up a rebellion, then. There are always discontents we can use.”

“Freddy, it gets worse. The Governor says that if the citizens did not want him to be Governor, he would happily step down and let someone else take over. HAPPILY, he says!”

“That can’t be correct, Felix. Think of the power he has: a top man’s salary; influence with everyone that matters; kickbacks and so forth.”

“I hate to be the bringer of bad news, Freddy, but the guy takes a minimal salary, just enough to get by, and seems to have no undeclared income at all. His personal accounts are on public record, and in a small community like this, anything else would stick out like a sore thumb. He seems to be one of these oddities, an honest man.”

“Local politics?”

“None. It seems to be a benevolent dictatorship on the style of Philosopher Kings suggested by Plato. That is just NOT what we want. I hope it doesn’t spread.”

“Spread? Are there more colonies planned?”

“Not at the moment, and if this is what might happen, I don’t see the UN pushing for more. When I looked at the cost of this colony, I was surprised that it was not more. We could have added military costs without any bother, but this Bob Kempe is in our way. I think your commission from the arms firms is up the spout, dear boy.”

“Can we at least come up with a recommendation of arming the colony’s defence forces?”

“Oh, we can do that, but implementing it would be up to the Governor, and he is not going for anything like that. His defence force – what he calls his Security Department – isn’t even armed on the streets.”

“Can we have a quiet word with his head of that department, to see what he has to say?”

“You could try. His American wife is the head of that department.”

“Ah, nepotism! Appointed through her link to him?”

“Nice try, Freddy. She is a former Colonel in the Green Berets, so is fully qualified for the job; probably the best qualified in the colony.”

“Damn! No chinks in his armour, then?”

“I noticed his other wife is black. Any leverage there?”

“She dotes on him, according to what we can gather. She is a professional psychologist, so probably has all your ploys sussed out already.”

“What? You think they have everything prepared, to stymie us?”

“Everything they can think of. We gave them little warning, so they wouldn’t have been able to do much planning to counter us. I hate to admit it, but they appear to be just what they say they are: a bunch of idealists, trying to do their best for their people: disgusting situation.” He looked at his empty glass. “Well, at least I got a good drink out of them. Jeeves? Can I have a refill?”

Jeeves came over to collect the empty glass. “Certainly, sorr. The Governor wanted you treated well, so I don’t have to ask him. A Jack Daniels, on the rocks. Right?”

He went off to get the refill. The Chairman watched him go. “The Governor even helps the less-well-endowed. He is training that butler for a job. I am not sure if the lad is up to it, but he tries; I’ll say that for him.”

Soon he was supping his second Jack Daniels, and told Freddy, “Go back and tell the others that the mission plan is aborted. I’ll return to the Governor and smooth things over.”

He made his own way back to the party, brushing off the butler’s attempts to escort him formally. “It is okay, Jeeves. I can manage fine by myself.”