Chapter 7

Christmas Eve started out clear, crisp and cold. It was frigid as I walked Dawn. She basked in it, scampering back and forth as much as the leash would allow, tugging me off-balance several times.

“Gimme a break, Dawn honey,” I begged. “I’m still on the mend.”

She stopped and looked at me curiously, her tongue lolling out and her tail wagging jauntily before she went back to making the most of her walk, investigating front yards all along our route. I eventually got her back to the house and put her in the back yard to run off some of her energy and went in to tell Mom that I’d put her on her tether.

“That’s fine. What time are you leaving for the day?”

“Merry Christmas to you too,” I said dryly, but with a smile. “I asked Gina to pick me up for my errands today,” I told her. “I’ll be out of your way as soon as she shows up. So you’ll have Lana to help out with whatever you have planned.”

“That’s good. We can use the extra hands,” she said cryptically.

“Interesting. So my help isn’t needed and Lilly is exiled to her friend’s place to occupy her, but you’re grateful for Lana to be around to help out? Suspicious. Deeply suspicious. When do I find out what this is all about?”

“Tonight. I think it’ll be pretty obvious once you lay eyes on it,” she admitted. “We wanted it to be a surprise for tomorrow, but it needs some work to set it up, so you’ll get to see it tonight.”

“Okay,” I said. It wasn’t long after that when Gina knocked at the door and I got up to answer it. “Merry Christmas!” I said and kissed her deeply. “You know you don’t need to knock, right?”

She wished me a Merry Christmas and repeated the greeting for Mom. “I don’t feel right just barging in without knocking,” she explained.

“Okay, then you should knock and THEN let yourself in. If no one’s home, the door’ll be locked anyway.” I put my shoes and coat on and grabbed the bag with the remaining gifts in it before we headed out.

I read off the stops and she glanced at me with a strange look on her face. “You bought for all the girls?” she asked.

“Yeah,” I said. “Nothing too extravagant, just a gift card to the movies and a card. I figured that they might appreciate that someone was thinking of them at Christmas time after everything that’s happened.”

She nodded. “A few of them are kind of down. They’ll appreciate the gesture.”

“Lana said giving them movie cards is kind of inviting them to use them to ask me out,” I told her. “She thinks it was a good idea, but a dumb gift overall since most people our age use the theater to make out.”

“She’s probably right,” Gina said with a shrug. “Not much you can do about it now though. I know most of the cheerleaders can’t wait ‘til you’re back in practice for real. Once you’re healthy enough, they might storm the guys locker room to get you to themselves.”

“You’ll protect me, right?” I asked in mock horror.

“From sixteen horny cheerleaders?” she snorted. “I might hold the camera while they claim you as their own. There IS a hazing for new cheerleaders. You’ve avoided it so far, but your number is coming.”

“And what does this hazing usually entail?” I asked.

“It varies from member to member, but I think you can count on it involving your member,” she giggled and we both blushed some.

“I see. Well, it has to wait. Lana’s final tests can’t be done until January 9th, they said. Until they come back clean, she can’t be part of any hazing ... What the fuck am I even saying?!!?” I blurted, coming to my senses. “I am NOT contemplating any sort of sex with my ex-girlfriend. Jesus! Could there be a MORE perfect way to napalm all my relationships all at once?”

“Sex with Patrick Waterman?” she asked, still giggling.

“Sex with VANCE Waterman?” I countered.

“EW!” she laughed.

“In all seriousness, I need you to step in if they take it too far. I’m a good sport and I’ll play along, but there are lines, even for me.”

She looked at me and nodded. “I’ll talk to them.”

“Find out what they want to do,” I suggested. “You don’t have to tell me if I can’t be told ahead of time, but I need to know that you’re cool with it and that the Sorority is cool with it.”

“I don’t think you need to worry about us. You don’t seem to date girls that have jealousy issues,” she told me lightly.

“I know. Just the same, keep it in mind. There’s one more thing that you should keep in mind too.” I hesitated, but this was an important distinction. “If this involves me doing anything with Lana, there’s three other girls that will be devastated if I don’t include them too. You know I was dating four girls over the summer. I can’t do something with Lana and then turn down the others. It would be a shitty thing to do.”

She nodded. “Okay,” she said, getting the tone of how serious this issue was. “I’m guessing that you’d rather skip the hazing completely?”

“I dunno,” I admitted. “I want to be fair to the four of you. Especially you and Tricia. With me being injured, I haven’t been able to be with either of you like I’ve wanted. No one gets to jump the line ahead of you two. That’s non-negotiable.”

She nodded. “I think we’re all in agreement about that,” she said with a grin as we pulled up in front of the first of our stops.

Again, we stayed a few minutes, gave out hugs and I dropped off the gifts that I’d given the girls. We slowly whiled away the morning, talking to the girls and their families, eating cookies and admiring their decorations. Every house was different and every visit was special. I raved about the cookies at one house only to have her mother share the recipe with me, at another house, the cake had come from a bakery. It varied wildly.

We had a very light lunch of salads. The sweets were making us feel awful, so a healthy lunch was a welcome change. As my bag of gifts slowly emptied, the backseat slowly filled with gifts from the girls. Some were from them and some from the families and I recognized more than one can of home baked cookies or chocolates.

After lunch, we decided that we needed to politely decline invitations to stay longer than to say Merry Christmas and trade hugs or we’d never get through it.

“Last two,” I said around 4:00, pulling the remaining envelopes out of the bag.

“Who are they for?” she asked. “Jessie and Cheryl. I saved Cheryl for last on purpose, but Jessie was just chance.”

She nodded and took us to Jessie’s house. It turned out they were getting ready to go out to do some of their own visiting. Jessie ran back inside and got the gift that she’d gotten me. We traded and she told me she hoped I liked it and hugged me and Gina both before getting in the car and waving to us.

“Is it just me or does she look a little guilty about something?” I asked Gina.

“It’s not just you,” she confirmed as we got back in the car.

I glanced at the gift bag she’d passed me. “You don’t think...”

Gina took it from me and looked inside. She chuckled and nodded, pulling out a pair of panties. “A last minute addition,” she said. “I’d bet anything you want that she was wearing them ten minutes ago.” She stuffed them back inside and the bag went into the backseat with the rest.

We drove to Cheryl’s house and were greeted warmly. This was a visit that I was glad to have the time to do right. Cheryl deserved it. We took off our shoes and unzipped our jackets. I could smell baking in the kitchen and it smelled like Cheryl’s mother knew how to bake. I made a mental note to pass that along to Tricia if she didn’t already know.

We stayed almost an hour, chatting. I gave Cheryl her gift and she had one for me in turn. She and her mother both hugged me tightly and her father shook my hand, all three of them thanking me for being there for Cheryl.

When we left, I noticed that her stomach was just starting to bulge a little. She’d be showing for sure around the time school started back up.

I was glad I had double lunch so I could be around to help her if she needed it.

“Penny for your thoughts,” Gina said softly as we drove away.

“I was just thinking that she’ll be starting to show by the time school starts again. I set it up so I’ll have double lunch this semester, mostly for Tricia, but I’m glad I’ll be around to help Cheryl too. I kind of expect some of the school to treat her like crap.”

“Yeah. We talked about it and we’re all sort of looking out for her,” she said. “Having you there should help though. You kind of decide public opinion when you choose people to hang out with. Everyone on early lunch kind of got less shit after you started sitting with us.”

I nodded. “Another part of the reason I asked to test out of German for the year and take double lunch. I want to make sure that the other girls aren’t getting picked on.”

We drove over to the house and I asked her for a hand taking stuff inside. It took us two trips and we were about to start carrying things down to my room when Mom met us at the top of the stairs.

“Nope,” she said. “You can’t go down yet,” she told me firmly. “I’ll carry those down and put them with the rest. You two scram for at least an hour.”

“It’s Christmas Eve, everything is closed,” I pointed out. “Where do you want us to go?”

“Take Dawn for another walk. I put her back outside about an hour ago. She should be calmed down enough to walk with you and not drag you all over the neighborhood.”

I nodded and told her to call me when it was safe to come home.

We took Dawn and just wandered. Gina took Dawn’s leash, wrapping her arm in mine for the walk. We chatted a little and mostly enjoyed the evening, even though it was brutally cold now. It had started to snow and Dawn’s fur was slowly coating in flakes, making her look even more gorgeous than normal. The three of us walked around, looking at the lights on the houses.

One thing that Winchester did every year was light up. We were a suburb of Boston so we had mostly families that were well-off enough to spend a little extra on the power bill to show their pride in the season. That meant our walk was well-lit by thousands of tiny bulbs. It was incredibly romantic. The streets were almost silent as we walked, most people settled in now that the stores were closed. They were concentrating on family and celebrating. It was like we had the world to ourselves.

I stopped and leaned in to kiss Gina deeply. “Merry Christmas, Gina,” I whispered softly. She had snow in her dark hair and her cheeks were red with the cold. She looked perfect. I couldn’t imagine in that moment how people celebrated Christmas properly in places like Hawaii and California where there was no snow. It was such an integral part of the season here that I couldn’t imagine it with palm trees and beach shorts.

She grinned at me and kissed me again. “Merry Christmas, Matt,” she said and squeezed my arm a little tighter as we walked on.

“I wonder what they have planned back at the house,” I mused out loud. “I hope it’s not too extravagant, but if they needed extra help and more time after the whole afternoon, I’m almost afraid.”

“Be more afraid of what’s in those gifts from the girls,” she giggled.

“Oh, I am,” I assured her. “Between you and Lana, you have me thoroughly paranoid.” She laughed, but I was kind of serious. “Gina, you know how bad things went with Lana and Beck, right?”

She nodded, catching my mood. “After you and I talked about it, Lana and I talked. She told me a lot more than you did. You glossed over a lot to protect them. She said that Vance and Patrick kept them high on the weekends and then cut them off during the week so they’d be able to have sex with them on their dates and then the two of them would be terrible to you all week while they were in withdrawals.”

I nodded. “That’s all true, but it’s not what I meant. When it happened, all four of my girls stabbed me in the heart and walked out on me. Beck spit on me, one of the others hit me. That wasn’t the worst of it though. The worst was that we were all family. Beck and Lana’s parents were my second set of parents, my sister became their sister. When the split happened, everyone took sides. Well, everyone took A side. They all sided with the girls. They assumed that the four of them had a damn good reason. So I lost everyone that day. I still lived in the house, but I ate alone, I went to school alone, I sat in classes alone, I came home to an empty house. The point is that everyone I cared about turned their back on me. I know the chances of it happening again are nearly impossible, but it was nearly impossible the first time. It’s sort of left me with a scar when it comes to relationships. Especially ones I know I can trust with my life.”

She was quiet as I talked, holding me close. Even Dawn seemed to sense my mood and walked along beside us, looking up at me.

“I’m scared,” I said finally. “You and Emma and Hanna and Tricia are precious to me. When we joke about the other girls making a play for me, I’m terrified that someone’s going to do something and I’ll lose you. I’m not saying this to make you feel bad. I just want you to know, when I say I’m scared of what’s in those gifts, I mean it. I’m scared one of them will say something or do something that drives a wedge in between us and splits us apart. I’m scared that the scars on my body are going to make you uncomfortable, I’m afraid that my life is going to collapse around me again. I love you four so much that it makes my skin crawl when we’re all apart.”

“I know,” she whispered and held me close. “I’ve been talking to everyone who knew you from back then. Lana and I are practically best friends now. She tells me everything. She’d die to protect you, you know. The only reason she left you in the house that night was that you ordered her to run. She grabbed Emma and took her out of the house because she knew you’d never be the same again if something happened to her. Emma told me a lot of it too. She said that you’ve been under more pressure than anyone she’s ever met. She told me about Zoe too. That hurt you a lot, I know. It’s a stupid reason to give up on someone who loves you. You’ve had too many people give up on you.”

I nodded. “I’m trying to keep those thoughts out of my head. I know you won’t ever hurt me on purpose and it’s not really PEOPLE that I don’t trust. It’s life. Life tore me and my family apart and we’re just starting to heal. Life tore me apart and I’m just starting to heal. I’m terrified that life’s about to take from me again. I know it’s paranoid, but it’ll take time for me to relax from that feeling.”

“Time is something we have,” she said certainly.

“Just promise to talk to me. No matter what happens,” I urged her.

She nodded. “I understand. More than your other girls, I get it. I feel the same way. I was raped. I know you’ll never hurt me, never force me. It doesn’t stop me being afraid. Maybe that’s the best way to look at it. You were raped by them too. It wasn’t sexual, but they violated you so completely, that they might as well have.”

I’d never looked at it like that before. I frowned as I thought about it.

“It’s the same fear you feel, but you’re afraid to be touched here,” she said, her fingers resting on my chest. She took my hand and moved it to her crotch. “I’m afraid to be touched here. Neither of us can ignore it. We can only promise to help each other through it.”

I looked in her eyes and lifted my free hand to press her hand tighter to my chest. “You’ve already touched me here,” I told her. “I’m scared because that touch becomes a knife so quickly and the knife never goes away. Not really.”

She nodded and pressed her hand against mine, coaxing my fingers against her sex harder. “You’ve already touched me here. I want you so much it frightens me. I want you to help me feel clean again and I don’t think I ever can feel clean until you show me how to be loved.”

I nodded. “You are SO loved,” I told her. I remembered something I’d read in a piece of erotica online a few months ago and silently thanked Penguintopia for it, wherever he was right now. “The first time we make love, it’ll be the first time that you make love with anyone. You’ll be giving me your virginity.”

She looked at me and frowned. She shook her head. “They took that,” she said and I could see she was starting to get upset.

“No,” I said firmly. “What they did wasn’t about love or sex, it was about power and money. Your virginity isn’t about when your hymen breaks. If it was, plenty of girls would have to name a bad bounce on a bike as their first time. Your virginity is about the first time you’re introduced to making love, giving and receiving pleasure. When you give your virginity, it’s a gift that you want the person to have. It can’t be stolen like that.” I took my hand from between her legs and pulled her close, kissing her gently. “When you’re there, in that moment with me, that’s when you’ll be accepting a lover for the first time. I will consider you a virgin until we’re there together and not a second sooner.”

She looked at me and I could see the battle inside her. She wanted to believe it, wanted to think that she was still pure on some level, but she could remember what they’d done to her and didn’t know that she could ever let those memories go. “Do you really believe that?” she asked quietly.

“Yes,” I said with conviction. “A while back, I punched a guy in the balls. It wasn’t sexual. It was a violent act meant to inflict pain. I view what they did to you in exactly the same way.”

She nodded. “But that’s different. You didn’t punch him with your dick.”

“Violence is violence. The same fist can be used to gently coax an orgasm from a man. I touched him with the intention of making him curl up and weep. Someone else could touch him with the intention of making him feel intense pleasure with the same part of their body. The difference is how it’s done and how it’s meant.”