Chapter 39

I woke to Dawn whimpering and nudging me. She needed to go and I was her morning partner. I got up and dressed for the day before taking her outside. We went for our morning run and she was delighted at being able to strain against the leash a little more than normal. We were back at the house and she was crunching on her breakfast when the girls started coming upstairs.

Tabby wasn’t moving all that well and neither was Emma. I’d been pretty rough on them and I felt bad, but they were delighted. We all went door for breakfast and Collie took it upon herself to tell everyone how Tabby had ended up in the same shape as Emma. Beck looked at me with a small smile. “I’ll have a double order of what she had,” she told me. “I want to be carried to breakfast in seven days,” she declared.

“Why not wait until the weekend and not have to worry about getting out of bed at all?” I asked dryly.

She shrugged. “Who says I’m not planning on having it all?” she asked sweetly.

“I bet Lana’s gonna beat you unconscious if you don’t get out of her way when your turn is up,” I said certainly. “Or she might show you Bad Lana.”

Beck perked up considerably at that thought. “What would Bad Lana do?”

“Tie you to a chair and make you watch while she fucked me half to death,” I answered lightly.

“That has possibilities,” Lana grinned.

“Not the kind of cruelty I was hoping for,” Beck pouted, making us all laugh.

“I promised you whatever you wanted for your first time back and you want Bad Matt. I’ll give you as much as I can,” I assured her.

“But there’s still more you could give me,” she pointed out with a hint of disappointment.

“I don’t think you want as much of Bad Matt as Marlene got,” I told her with a slight smile. “You trust me to keep you safe when we play like that and I do.”

She nodded and after that, breakfast chatter turned to normal subjects. I mentioned the rape seminar tomorrow and asked Lana and Beck to bring two of the cameras to school so we could record it. That got Lana excited and she was talking about angles and close-ups. I wasn’t aware that she’d had this much interest in cinematography and filed that information away to try to get her a chat with some of the people that work behind the cameras when we were out in LA this summer.

I suggested we go to school early and talk to Mr. Peterson about setting up cameras to record the assembly, so we all piled into Lana’s car. “I think tomorrow we should start taking two cars and picking up Tricia on the way to school,” I said thoughtfully. “We could all squeeze into one, but if we’re carrying extra books, it could get really cramped.”

“Okay,” Gina said. “How about you and I pick her up tomorrow,” she suggested.

“That sounds good. Lana and Beck are going to have video cameras to bring to school anyway for the assembly,” I pointed out.

I fell silent and took out my phone to text Ingrid briefly. I sent her the picture of Diego and explained how the conversation had gone. She sent me back a message filled with laughter and I put my phone in my backpack.

The girls followed me to my locker and then took me to theirs while they got ready for the day. True to their word, they were sticking with me so that no one had the chance to get me alone. We went to the office and asked to see Mr. Peterson.

He came out to greet the four of us and showed us into the conference room before asking what we wanted to see him about.

“We’re going to be recording the assembly tomorrow,” I told him. “We thought it would be a good resource to have for down the road. We can post it online and share it with other school districts that are struggling with how to address this problem. Lana and Beck are going to run cameras and we might want to have a third one to pan the crowd. I wanted to get you involved in the process to see if they can get access to the auditorium ahead of time to set up and figure out where they can get the best angles.”

He nodded. “That’s a good idea. I can let Mr. Chapman know that they’ll need to do that, since that’s his usual classroom. When did you want to do that?” he asked.

“Right after early lunch tomorrow,” Lana said. “We’d have to skip our class, but we’re bringing our own cameras, so we don’t want to leave them unattended.”

He nodded. “Just let me know who’s class you’ll be in and I’ll arrange it.”

“Me too,” Gina said, surprising me. “If we’re running a third camera, I can do that one.”

Having that arranged, we left the office, me surrounded by my bodyguards. I was getting more and more comfortable with them taking on that role, but it was still drawing a few glances as we made our way to Tricia’s locker to meet her for the morning. After kisses and hugs, we told her about taking two cars from now on and picking her up in the mornings.

“Cool,” she said. “Can I still come see your cheer practice after school today?” she asked. “I know we’ve talked about it, but I’d kind of like to see it.”

We all agreed, but Gina swore. “I forgot about that. We’ll have to go back to get my car so all the girls have a ride.”

“There’s still twenty minutes before classes,” I pointed out. “The house is only a few minutes away. You can be there and back in plenty of time.”

“Are you gonna be okay without us?” Lana asked uncertainly.

“I’ll manage,” I said with a laugh. “Beck and I have Homeroom together first thing, remember? She’ll keep me out of trouble.”

“If he tries anything, I’ll introduce him to Bad Beck,” she teased. “I’ll drag him into the ladies room and hide him in one of the stalls if he causes problems.”

Gina and Lana took off and the three of us walked to Tricia’s class to hang out before we had to start making our way to our class.

When we got there, Roberta was waiting for us, looking anxious. I ignored her and went inside to take my seat, but saw her put a hand on Beck’s arm to get her attention. They talked for a minute and I supposed I’d known all along that she’d talk to Beck sooner or later. I wondered what she was going to talk to her about, whether she’d content herself with trying to find out what happened to me or if she was going to use that note and confess her feelings to her.

Beck came in and confirmed that she wanted to talk to her after school. “Are you sure you’re okay with her knowing what went on? All of it?”

I shrugged. “Is there part of it that you don’t think she should know?” I asked, looking up at her as she stood beside my desk.

“A lot of it, actually,” she said.

I nodded. “Well, use your best judgment and tell her that there’s other stuff that’s not yours to tell.” She nodded and went off to find her seat as the teacher came in to start the lesson.

The rest of the morning was normal and lunch was just as mundane until the change from early lunch to late lunch. Today Roberta came to sit down with me before Elizabeth or Janice could join me.

“Hi,” she said quietly.

I looked up and returned her greeting warily. “What’s on your mind?” I asked to open the conversation.

“I asked Beck to talk to me after school,” she said softly.

I nodded. “I was there,” I reminded her.

“I don’t know what I’m going to tell her,” she said anxiously.

“Seems like you’re planning on telling her how you feel,” I said, keeping my tone neutral. “Otherwise you wouldn’t have been so certain that you’re going to be the one doing the telling.”

I looked across the room and Liz and Janice were trying to make their way over to our table, but a couple of the football players were blocking their way, trying to talk to them.

“Excuse me, I need to take care of this,” I said and got up, not bothering to pay attention to whether she stayed or left.

I crossed the cafeteria and I could hear the football players trying to get them interested in going to a party on the weekend. “Come on,” one of them said. “It’ll be fun. There’s gonna be a keg and I’m sure there’ll be some other stuff if you want something harder than beer. It’s gonna be a great time.”

“No!” Liz said and it didn’t sound like the first time she’d refused. “Can you please just let us pass? Our table is over there.” She saw me approaching and she looked scared all of a sudden. I’d have said all the color drained out of her, but Liz was so pale, no one would have noticed.

I ignored the football players and walked up, wrapping my arms around her and kissing her very thoroughly on the lips before turning to Janice and giving her a similarly scorching kiss. “Hey, girls!” I said brightly. “Sorry I didn’t meet you right away. I was a little distracted.” I winked at them so that the football players couldn’t see. I figured this was the best way to avoid getting into a fight in the middle of lunch. “Come on. I’ve got our table saved.” I took their trays and led them past the jocks, wondering if they were gonna make an issue of it or let me walk the girls away.

It turns out that cutting someone’s head off earns you a certain amount of street-cred that can let you get away with crap like cherry-picking two girls out from under the football team, because neither of them wanted to do anything to start the fight. I figured they might try to corner me away from school, but that was unlikely since I arrived and left with Lana or Gina every day.

When we sat down at the table again, Roberta was still there. She looked at me strangely as we settled in and then asked what was on her mind. “How many cheerleaders ARE you dating?” she asked, unable to help herself.

“As far as creeps like that go, all of them,” I said simply. “Plenty of other girls too.” I turned to Liz, but she looked like she was still kind of shell-shocked over what happened, so I looked at Janice instead. “Sorry about the kiss,” I said softly to the two of them. “I thought it would be the easiest way to get you away from them without a fight breaking out.”

“It’s okay,” she said with a small smile. “When I saw you coming over, I could have kissed you anyway, so it all works out, right?” she looked across at Liz and Liz blushed a little which wasn’t a dramatic effect, but it was still a slight pinkness in her cheeks.

“Did either of those guys tell you where this party was supposed to happen?” I asked.

“Eddie Bishop’s place,” Janice supplied helpfully. “His parents are out of town.”

“Sounds familiar,” I muttered darkly. “Spread the word. I want them to wonder where all the girls are gone this weekend.”

They both nodded, but hesitated to leave me alone for the moment. “You gonna be okay?” Liz asked delicately.

“It’s okay, Lilo,” I told her, using her pet name. Her middle name was Loraine, so it just came together that way. Liz Loraine got shortened to Lilo. “I’ll yell if I need you.”

She blushed again and leaned over to give me a peck on the cheek. “Thanks for rescuing us,” she said softly and then left to start talking to some of the other girls about it.

I hadn’t looked for Tricia since late lunch started, but when I did look up, she was watching me with an amused smile on her face. Cheryl gave me her customary sour look and I pretended not to see it before looking back at Roberta.

“So what are you? Like the guardian angel of the school?” she asked.

“I’m just another one of Winchester’s Broken Toys,” I told her, adopting the name that one of the girls had given us. I’d resisted at the time because it was too much like admitting defeat, but I was okay with being broken inside. I’d been that for a while. I was starting to mend, but Tuesday had shown me just how far I had to go. “We were talking about what you were going to tell Beck though. Are you looking for me to lay out your options, recommend one of them over the others or wish you good luck?” I asked dryly.

She bit her lip. “I guess I just don’t know what I’m going to say,” she admitted.

“Yes, you do,” I told her. “You’re going to tell her that you’ve loved her since third grade or longer and that you want her to be your everything,” I said it bluntly and she cringed. “That’s not why you’re sitting here waffling on what to do.”

“Then why am I here?” she asked, starting to get a little irritated at how calmly I was laying it all out.

“Isn’t it obvious?” I asked, surprised that she hadn’t known. “Last term you did the shittiest thing you’ve ever done and I was the victim. Now you’re about to do it again and you’re here looking for my forgiveness, because you feel like if I don’t give it and Beck says yes to you, that you’ll never be able to forgive yourself for coming between us twice.”

She blanched at that bald-faced declaration. It was the heart of the issue and it was on the table now.

“So where do we go from here?” she asked quietly.

“I go to cheer practice to take care of my girls,” I said. “You go to Beck and decide if the payoff is worth the guilt. Whether she says yes or no, it’s still the same action.”

“You’re not gonna let me off the hook, are you?” she asked sadly.

“You don’t even know me,” I reminded her. “The kid you knew last summer is dead. Murdered, committed suicide or killed in an accident. How doesn’t matter. The point is that you know nothing about me that you don’t learn from the rumor mill here or my YouTube and Twitter feed. You can’t ask me for absolution for your sins. I’m not the Pope. I don’t hand out blessings and I don’t have forgiveness on tap. If you want Beck and she wants you, then she’ll tell me and that’ll be that. I sincerely don’t get why you give a shit about whether this hurts me or not.”

I took a drink of the bottle of water I’d been nursing and shook my head.

“It’s a shitty thing to do,” she said finally. “I don’t think I can help myself. I can’t imagine being with anyone else except her, but it’s terrible after everything you told me about. I don’t want to do that to you. Even if you don’t think of us as friends, I still do.”

I shrugged noncommittally and put the cap back on my water as I glanced around the room. The girls were still spreading the word and Janice was at Tricia and Cheryl’s table. Cheryl looked over at me with spite in her eyes and I looked back at Roberta. “If that’s how you feel, then I guess your talk with Beck is going to be complicated.” I couldn’t figure out what she wanted from me. She’d shit on me worse than all the others, worse than Roger by far. Yet, here she was, asking for my blessing with Beck.

“You can’t forgive me even a little, can you?” she asked.

“I don’t HAVE any forgiveness left in me. After the last four months, I’m used up. I’m damaged beyond repair. Whatever I have left to give is reserved for my girls. Beyond being your friend, I was a human being. What you did was hateful and rotten and selfish on a level that I can’t fathom and could never do. You helped take away my reason for living. Now you’re sitting here asking my blessing to do it again. You have two choices. Tell Beck you’re in love with her and maybe take her away or bury that love and content yourself in knowing that the damage you did is healing. Pick one. I don’t personally want you to tell me which you pick. If you tell Beck and she leaves to be with you ... You treat her like she’s the center of the fucking Universe. If you hurt her, I’ll come for you and no force of man nor God can save you.” I looked her in the eye as I said it and delivered it in a cold monologue.

She nodded and I got up. I could feel the rage surging in my chest. I couldn’t stay here with her. I picked up my backpack and started for the door.

Liz caught my arm as I was about to leave and looked at me, concerned. “Are you okay?” she asked softly.

“No,” I said truthfully. “That girl that was sitting with us. Her name is Roberta. If she asks, it’s okay to tell her anything about me. Don’t sugar-coat it. Maybe if she hears some of the bad stuff, she’ll leave me the fuck alone. I’ll see you at the gym later. I’ll try to be in a better mood. Promise.”

She nodded and then looked back at the table where Roberta was still sitting. I got out of there and walked to my next class. I put on my new Ray-Bans and put in my earbuds, blasting music just loud enough that I could avoid hearing most conversation. Mercifully the bell rang before anyone caught up to me and I spent the afternoon trying to shake off the ball of molten rage that wanted to erupt from my chest.