Chapter 8

Mom was sitting on the couch when I came in. “Can we talk?” she asked as I was hanging up my jacket.

“Wait your turn,” I said. “I have to go wreck Lilly’s day first.”

Her eyes widened and she followed me upstairs. I knocked on Lilly’s door and waited for her to answer.

She opened the door and looked at me. “Yeah?”

“Don’t worry. This won’t take long,” I assured her. “Three months ago, I found out Mom and Dad were getting a divorce. You knew way before that. You never told me. That crushed me because I never kept a secret from you in my life. You swore to me that you’d never do that again. Six weeks later, you found out the rumor that Marlene made up. You kept it from me. I will NEVER trust you again. I will never tell you anything about my life ever again. You could have stopped all this damage if you’d just kept your word to me. I’m going to make sure everyone in the family knows that if they tell you anything about my personal life, they’re dead to me. I’m sorry if that hurts, but you destroyed me twice by keeping secrets. You don’t get a third chance to ruin my life. I know we talked about this in general, but the more I have to be involved in this, the more I find out that hurts me worse. I’m angry and hurt and you could have stopped it at any point. Once the girls started telling you things that disturbed you, you should have come clean.”

I nodded and turned back toward the stairs, seeing Mom standing there, shocked. “I’m ready for our talk now,” I said to her. I’d been perfectly calm the whole time I talked to Lilly and I walked away as the sobbing started behind me. I wasn’t cleaning that shit up. Mom could choose between talking to me or talking to Lilly. I knew she’d choose Lilly. She always chose Lilly.

I went downstairs and made another sandwich. I called next door and told Patty what I’d said to Lilly and that Mom was comforting her now.

“Are you going to forgive her for it eventually?” Patty asked.

“I’m sure I will eventually. Will I relent and trust her again? Not a chance in Hell. With the lives she wrecked by sitting on this? Mine, Becks, Lana’s, Tabby’s, Collie’s, Tricia’s. How many people would have to be miserable and suicidal before she spoke up? I put myself on suicide watch. Lana and Beck could have ended up with AIDS, which you still need to take them to get tested for. I talked to Lana and she agreed. She’ll help with Beck and so will I if necessary. But that’s six lives that were derailed because of a secret and that was the second time she kept a secret that left me in pieces.”

I ate while I talked to her.

“I can’t tell you the right thing to do, but consider giving her a chance to redeem herself. She’s younger than you. She’s also very close to the girls. If they swore her to secrecy...” She trailed off, hoping I’d come to understand the dilemma that put her in.

“They did. I’d already sworn her to transparency,” I said. “I’m not going to shut her out of my life. She’s my sister, but she’s broken my trust too badly for me to dust off the pieces and make it whole again. I could put it back together, but it would be smaller, more delicate, imperfect.”

“I know. Just work on it with her.”

I heard footsteps upstairs and told her I’d think about it, but had to go.

Mom came downstairs a moment later, her eyes full of fire. “How DARE You do that to your sister!” she raged, incensed.

I went to the fridge and poured myself a glass of milk instead of answering her. I closed the door and took a drink while I considered my answer.

“What exactly did I do to my sister?” I asked her to clarify. “I went upstairs and told her that she’d broken her promise to me, that she’d kept things from me that I needed to know AGAIN and that it had broken my trust. A trust that I had generously restored after the last time. I didn’t yell, swear, break her belongings or hit her. I told her I was setting boundaries and that I was going to enforce them. I let her know that I wasn’t doing it out of spite, but out of self-preservation. Have I missed anything?”

“It was cruel and vengeful!” she accused.

“No cruel and vengeful would have been to tell her a new rumor to see how fast she’d spread it so that I could accuse her of doing it three times. Cruel and vengeful would have been to pretend forgiveness while I sharpened the knives for the betrayal I expect from her now.”

“You know she’s been weeping up in her bed while you’ve been having a snack?” she spat.

“Lana and Beck have been weeping all day because she sat back and watched us all go up in flames together. People could have died. I was suicidal and I still am, Lana and Beck could have AIDS as we speak. If this had cost Tricia even one friend, she would have gone to pieces. Which of us DESERVED those fates? Tricia and I have been exiles in our own school. It’s bad enough that it’s our first year there, but no one wants to be seen with a confirmed baby-killer and his girl. I’m sick of being responsible for taking all the shit in this family. You didn’t stand up for me when this shit hit the fan, but as soon as the tables turned and other people were hurt, all of a sudden you wanted to get involved and help mend fences.”

“You ungrateful little bastard!” she spat.

“Ungrateful! For what? You’ve heaped responsibility for the survival of our family on my head all summer long, yet you don’t seem to want to support me when I need it in any way. I’m polite and respectful unless people are treating me like garbage. If you feel like I’ve been out of line it’s because you’ve treated me SO badly that spending the winter sleeping on park benches seems like a far safer place than staying here where you can lay hands on me for anything you happen to want to blame on me. You’ve treated me like a disposable resource for far too long. I’m the equivalent of a tampon applicator to you. Just a convenient way to get things just the way you need them.”

I drank the rest of my milk and then put my glass in the sink.

“You have been nothing but trouble all summer!” she shouted at me, enraged. “You used to be a good boy, but now you’re so full of yourself that you don’t think the rules apply to you. Well you’re in for a rude awakening.”

“Hold that thought for a moment.” I picked up the phone and called next door. “Patty, I need you and Dan and that tool box.”

“Toolbox is filled and locked and in the basement here,” she told me. “I did that this morning first thing.”

“Was there much overflow?” I asked, watching mom.

“None,” she said, letting me know that the furnace room where we’d been storing the money was empty.

“Okay. I still need you two though. I don’t think it’s safe for me here any more.”

She hung up and a moment later, they let themselves in. Mom was fuming, but refused to back down.

“What’s going on?” Patty asked.

“Mom’s decided that I’ve been nothing but trouble all summer and that I used to be a good boy. My problem is that I don’t think the rules apply to me and she’s threatened me with some vague consequence she refers to as a ‘rude awakening’. I’m also apparently an ungrateful bastard.”

My mother blew her stack. “Do you have any idea what this monster said to his sister just now?!!?” she yelled.

“Yes,” Patty said. “He told her he doesn’t trust her because she’s wrecked his life twice in the past few months. He called me as soon as he came downstairs. I was the one that told him to tell her that. It’s how he feels and rather than telling everyone else, he needed to tell her that he was angry and hurt. So? I also told him to give her a chance to redeem herself in his eyes once the hurt dies down.”

“He spreads nothing but misery! Becky, Lana and now Lilly are all devastated by him!”

“And he was in misery for how long? And THAT was okay? He’s right. Once he started turning things around, then all of a sudden it was a family issue. When it was Matt that was suffering, we were on the sidelines hoping they’d figure it out and patch it up. I’m not proud of that, but to blame him for shit they caused? Get a hold of yourself Charlotte. If you can’t do that, then don’t be surprised if he calls his therapist and reports you. This is abuse.”

“Get out!” she snapped, furious. “Get out of my house.”

“Matt honey, let’s go get your clothes,” Patty said, ignoring her. “It’s probably for the best if you came to stay with us for a few days while this blows over.”

“You will NOT be taking him! He is staying here and answering for what he’s done!”

I thought about saying something witty, but I went with Patty anyway. I grabbed as many clean clothes as I thought we could carry. I had a hockey bag and started filling it and then I grabbed my pillow and blanket from the bed.

“We’ve got bedding at home Honey,” she said gently and I shook my head.

“I’ll explain when we’re out of here,” I promised. I emptied out the floor stash which I’d been using to keep a supply of run-money in case shit went sour. Something I’d learned from Miranda. I stuffed it in the hockey bag and then we went upstairs. I dropped my stuff by the door and Dan and my mother were still discussing matters in less than friendly terms. “Stall her,” I asked and went upstairs to Lilly’s room. I knocked and I could easily hear mom yelling for me to get back downstairs.

Lilly answered the door looking like she’d been crying. I put a hand on her shoulder and she finally looked up at me. “I’m gonna be spending the next few days with Patty and Dan until I can figure shit out,” I told her. “That’s not your fault. Mom’s lost her mind over this. I don’t know why. If she starts working you over, come next door.”

She shrugged. “Why? You hate me,” she said simply.

“I don’t hate you, Lilly,” I told her. “You’re my sister and I love you, but you proved that you can’t stop keeping secrets from me. You tell people my business, not because you want to hurt me but because you think they need to know. It hurt me a lot that you didn’t tell me about this until it was too late for me to fix it. Maybe there’ll come a day that I can trust you again, but right now, you’re not in my corner and THAT hurts too. Mom’s gone crazy because I’m finally starting to tell people how bad they’ve hurt me. Maybe she’s worried that I might come around to tell her she’s hurt me somehow and she can’t handle what she thinks I might say. Maybe she really feels like I’m not entitled to feelings when bad things happen to me.”

She grimaced when I was done talking and nodded. “I know. I should have told you,” she whimpered. “Lana was so sure though. She didn’t want me to tell you and when she told me what it was, I...”

“You remembered what I’d done to Miranda and talking a girl into getting an abortion didn’t seem so different,” I supplied for her.

She started to cry again and I hugged her. “I’m sorry!” she wailed and I put my head down sadly. I held her while she cried and knew that I was done with this family. There was nothing left for me here. My mother could barely stand my existence, my sister thought of me as a murderer first and a brother second, Lana and Beck had both done unspeakable things to me to pay me back for something that hadn’t even happened.

“I know you’re sorry, Lilly,” I told her. “Maybe some day you’ll think of me and not see a monster. Once I’m gone from next door, you should get out of here and go there too. They love you. You’ll be safe there.” I gave her another tight hug. “I love you, Lilly. Take care of yourself.”

It was goodbye. Whether it was forever, I couldn’t say at the time. I let her go and stepped back to smile at her as tears started to spill down my cheeks and then I turned to go. Downstairs, Mom decided to take one more chance to rage at me.

“What did you do to her?!!?” she demanded loudly.

“What are you afraid of,” I asked quietly. “Worried I killed her too? Or worried I went up there to make her a woman like I never did for you?”

Patty and Dan were unprepared for her to launch herself at me like a wild animal and they were both shocked when she shrieked and charged me, swinging her fist as hard as she could.

I’d seen her coming. I knew what I’d said had set her off. I could see the fist from a mile away, but instead of putting up my hands or ducking out of the way, I stood my ground and leaned into it.

She knocked me back into the stairs and she piled on top of me, swinging wildly with both hands as Patty and Dan came to their senses and dragged her off. She kicked at me with her feet and struggled to get at me again. I felt the side of my face and nothing seemed to be broken. I’d be bruised tomorrow, but that was tomorrow.

I struggled to my feet and I heard feet on the stairs. I looked up and Lilly was past me in a flash. “STOP IT!” she screamed at her mother. “JESUS FUCKING CHRIST! WHAT’S WRONG WITH YOU?!!?”

She was barely coherent, screaming at me and ignoring Lilly. She’d ignore Patty and Dan too if they weren’t holding her back.

I suddenly had a bad feeling, like things were about to go from this to worse and I put a hand on Lilly’s shoulder. She looked at me and I looked back at her. My expression got her attention. “Go upstairs and pack. Just what you need for a few days. Get your stuff from the bathroom, clothes, schoolbooks, whatever you need. If you need help, I’ll come, but it needs to be fast.”

She paled and then bolted for the stairs.

“Matt?” Patty said and I shook my head.

“Just a feeling like things are about to get out of control,” I said. I pulled out my phone and called Dr. Spencer. It was late, but she’d said any time.

When she answered, I told her what was going on and that we were packing to get out of here. I told her that my mother was in such a state that I wasn’t leaving Lilly with her and asked her if she had a better option or next door with Patty and Dan.

“How bad ... Never mind, I can hear her in the background. Yeah, get out of there. I’d say it’s not safe for you anywhere near her right now. I wouldn’t say you’re safe anywhere she knows she can find you.”

“I don’t want want to involve authorities if I can help it,” I told her.

“Then your only other alternative is Donald, I’m afraid,” she said. “She’s obviously turned violent. Has she hit you?”

“Yes, she has,” I told her. I trusted Dr. Spencer more than anyone else I knew except maybe Emma.

“Call the police and then Donald,” was her advice. “She needs to be taken into custody.

“She’s a school teacher. If I do that...” I left that hanging in the air.

“Fuck her,” she said flatly. “In her current condition, she can’t be allowed near children.”

“Alright. You want me to call you back when I do that?”

“No. The 911 dispatcher will want to keep you on the line so best call your father first. I’m on my way.”

I hung up and dialed his line. “Dad,” I said, knowing that would set her off all over again. “Mom’s deranged. She’s attacked me. I need you here now. Lilly and I aren’t safe in the house with her.”

“I’m on my way,” he promised and hung up.

She redoubled her efforts to reach me and screamed that she was going to kill me. Fortunately, that was the first thing the 911 dispatcher heard. “I need help,” I said into the phone. “My mother’s gone crazy. She beat me up and she’s threatening to kill me. I called my father and he’s on his way, but I need someone here now.” I gave my address and he asked if I was in immediate danger.

“Yes. I have neighbors here holding her back, but she’s nearly broken free a couple of times.”

She roared in rage and managed to slip their grasp and attack me again. The dispatcher was calling out for me in the professional, but urgent voice they cultivate. They got her under control again and I picked up my phone. “She just attacked me again. They’ve got her subdued again, but only just. I didn’t know she was that strong.” I groaned and picked myself up again, feeling my jaw tenderly.

A few minutes later, police had arrived and ambulance was just pulling up when I went outside to talk to the police. I told the dispatcher they were here and hung up. I called Dr. Spencer and told her what had happened. She was already on her way here and asked me to inform the officers on the scene.

The next two hours were exercise in chaos. Statements from me, Lilly, Dan and Patty, Donald arrived in the middle of it only a few minutes behind Dr. Spencer. She’d already contacted the hospital intake to expect her for evaluation. She spoke to the officers and they contacted dispatch about the order, confirming it. EMTs wanted to check me over, but found nothing broken, bleeding or otherwise medically serious. They left the scene and we continued to talk to the police over the matter. Lana and Becky had come over when they had seen the police lights flashing from their bedrooms. They were shaken and kept shooting looks at me. I found out why later when I looked in the mirror. My face was starting to puff up where she’d hit me.