Chapter 6

I got a sinking feeling when I saw my mother come into the lunch room and look around. I closed my laptop and packed up right away, knowing that she was about to collect me for something. She saw me get up and waited by the door for me.

“What’s up?” I asked, knowing she’d be enjoying her lunch in the faculty lounge if there wasn’t a problem.

“Lana and Beck are being taken home for the afternoon,” she said. “I don’t know what you said to them, but they’re hysterical.” She wasn’t accusing me this time, just letting me know what was happening.

“They came to talk to me about Tricia,” I said. “We talked. I explained it to them that it wasn’t a punishment and that I actually like her. We talked about Marlene. They said she’s on her way to Alaska. I told Lana that she should let go of the spite she was feeling about her getting sent away. I reminded her that spite had made them act instead of talking to me. We got to the bottom of their actual problem. The abortion. Things with Miranda made them believe I was capable of THAT,” my mouth twisted distastefully on the last word. “I also told them I’d talk to Patty about one of the things she was going to punish them with because it’s not a matter for her. I told them I have no interest in humiliating them and Beck asked why. When I told them why, they broke down and bolted from the room. That’s where I lose track of what happened.”

“What reason did you give them?”

“I told them after everything that’s happened to me that I wouldn’t wish that on them,” I said.

She nodded. “They feel incredibly guilty,” she said with a sigh.

“I know. It’s part of the reason I’m looking for a new place I can go. Living next door, I’m still tormented daily and they’re still reminded how much pain they’ve inflicted. I know that pissed you off and that’s why you blew up over Emma, but we’re all on the verge of losing our minds living together like that. I don’t know what else to do.”

“Forgive them,” she said quietly, providing the answer.

“Don’t you think I WANT to?!!?” I blurted. “I’m terrified of them. They didn’t just hurt me, they brutalized me in this building for weeks. Do you KNOW what it’s like to face malevolence like that?!!? You remember that look on Jake Collins face? I saw that EXACT same look on both of their faces for the past six weeks. I cringe inside every time I come around a corner because they took every chance to flaunt their boyfriends in front of me or do something else to express how much they hated me. Speaking of which, they’ve been with close to thirty guys between them since I got kicked to the curb. That’s not a rumor They told Lilly how many guys there were and the list was long enough that she zoned out.”

That brought her up short. “Are you sure?” she asked.

“You heard Lilly when she punched out Lana. ‘How many beds have you been in?’ That same rumor is going around the school here. I brought it up to them and they couldn’t look me in the eye. I don’t know how many or what the circumstances were, but yeah. I’m sure. I already told Patty that they should be checked for anything and everything that they could have contracted.” I sighed and ran a hand through my hair. “This isn’t easy for me either,” I pointed out. “This is the second time in three months that my life has been fucked and nobody bothered to tell me what was going on until it was too late. Lilly sits on secrets. I’ll never trust her again. She’s only too fucking happy to spew mine all over the place, but tell me something I might need to know? Fuck that noise.” I was keeping my voice low, but the tirade spilled out of me in a low, growling hiss.

“I’m in a constant state of paranoia wondering who’s hiding shit from me and which of you is gonna stab me in the back next. It sucks. It fucking sucks. Home is a battleground, Mom. I want it to be anything else, but I’m under siege from you, Lilly is a spy for everyone but me, Lana and Beck went from loving me to hating me to needing my forgiveness and I don’t know which of those is the purest emotion from them. I don’t live with trust. I tried to downplay it and make everyone think that it was for the family to heal, but that’s only part of it. I feel like I’m in Invasion of the Body Snatchers. I don’t know who’s on my side any more and the more I think about it, the shorter that list gets. I don’t know if you get what I mean or if I’m just pissing you off more, but I swear to you, I’m not trying to cause more harm. I tried to talk to them calmly and now they’re a mess. You’re pissed at me for Emma, for Tricia and for deciding I need to get out. I throw myself into books to get away from my life and now, for the first time in over a month, I raised my head and tried to take a breath and it feels like I’m being pushed back under water.”

“You should have said something more,” she said and felt like she was genuinely starting to realize that home was only a short step away from barricading my door and sleeping with a gun under my pillow.

“I did!” I hissed, my eyes frantic. “I begged and pleaded with them to tell me what was wrong. I cried for someone to clue me in. Until this weekend, I was convinced that I’d done something wrong, that I’d caused all this. If ANYONE had come to me when this shit had started, I could have fixed it in two minutes. But no one did. You and Patty and Dan had the authority to sit them down and wring it out of them, Lilly ALREADY knew. They shared it with Tabby and Collie and neither of them said a fucking word. How was I supposed to get it through to any of you that I didn’t know what was going on? I was the ONLY one that was up-front and open. It took me putting myself on suicide watch for anyone to act. Dr. Spencer and Emma were the ONLY ones that didn’t know and stayed in my corner through all of this.”

“That’s not true. Patty, Dan and I-”

“Were in neutral corners hoping we’d work it out,” I cut her off. “We’re your kids. You couldn’t pick sides, but you gave this car-wreck a full tank of gas.”

She gave me a hard look, her lips compressed to a thin line, but she finally nodded. “You’re right. Where do we go from here?”

“I go away and you all become a family again,” I admitted. “This is a shitty situation. I know what you all want from me. You want me to take the girls back. To hug them and kiss them and snap their collars in place and tell them all’s forgiven. That would fix all this shit. That would pull the girls out of their tail-spins, it would put them back in my bed, it would let Lilly off the hook, it would ease the strain on you and Patty and Dan and everyone could go back to the way it was before and forget this ever happened.”

“Except you,” she finished for me.

“Except me,” I agreed. “I’d be miserable and living a lie all day every day to create happiness for everyone around me. But it wouldn’t create real happiness. It would be a lie too. I wouldn’t trust any of you again. I’d know in the back of my mind that if things got shitty, you’d all leave me to clean up the mess while you cut me loose. That’s what you pulled me out to ask me to do though. Clean this up and make it right for the girls.”

She had the good grace to look embarrassed. “At least think about forgiving them,” she said, pleading.

I didn’t have any words for this turn of events. My mother had just asked me to whore myself out to put smiles on Lana’s and Beck’s faces and probably Tabby’s and Collie’s faces too.

“I want you to think about what you just asked me to do,” I said quietly. “You just asked me to throw away my own well-being to wipe away the tears on their faces.”

“I’m asking you to help put our family back together,” she snapped.

“And what would you have me tell Emma? Hmm? Or Tricia? How would you like me to explain it to them? ‘I’m sorry. I have to go back to my girls. They ruined my life and they’ll do it again the first time someone says something bad about me, but they’re sad, so I guess I gotta do what I gotta do. The thought of touching them makes my skin crawl, but it’s all in a day’s work for me.’ You think they’ll understand that? You’ve met Tricia. She’s in one of your English classes, so you’ve officially spent more time with her than I have. Being tossed aside like that would crush her. I only met her today and I know that.”

“Then what do you suggest, if you’re so smart?!!?” she growled.

“Oh yes,” I said sarcastically. “When imperiled fall back on Matt’s intelligence and then later use it as justification to blame him for something else. I ... have ... been ... wronged. You’re just not getting it. You’re asking a victim to bear the sentence for the crime. You’re asking me to throw away my happiness to make everyone feel better.”

“That’s what adults do,” she said bluntly.

“No, adults are supposed to balance their happiness with what’s right. Everything was perfectly fine while I was miserable for 6 weeks. Now I start putting my life back together again and I’ve gotta come quick because there’s an emergency. I’m sorry if this sounds petty and spiteful, but you’re asking me to do something that will hurt me, destroy what I’ve been able to rebuild of my life and block me from recovering so that the people that destroyed me won’t be sad. Either I’m missing something or I need to go to Donald’s tonight and risk playing hopscotch on that balcony. Which is it?”

“Beck’s talking about hurting herself,” Mom said quietly. “She said she deserved to die.”

I was shaking I was so mad. “What did we JUST finish talking about?” I demanded. “Do you people know how to understand a fucking word of English? I just finish telling you that secrets tore us all apart and then you stand there and stonewall me with your VERY NEXT BREATH. What would make you think that was alright?!!?”

“We’re scared, Matt,” she said and she sounded tired.

“So am I!” I hissed, trying not to draw a crowd. “I spent this summer being responsible for the life or death of our whole fucking family and I got us through it, but look at the price I paid. I lost EVERYTHING. You all look at me and see a monster, a murderer. Now you’re standing here telling me I need to be responsible for Beck’s life or death and we both know whatever I pick, however it turns out, I ... lose ... everything ... AGAIN! Answer me this: when they first broke up with me, how many times did you ask THEM to forgive ME? Did you even ask ONCE? Beck’s not the only one that wishes they were dead right now.” I slumped against the lockers and let myself slide down to sit on the floor.

“Don’t talk like that, Matt,” she pleaded and I laughed bitterly, looking at the floor.

No, no. She couldn’t have me die. She needed me to put Beck back together and after that, Lana would need to be fixed and I was sure Collie and Tabby would have their own crises. It wasn’t going to end. I closed my eyes and saw pavement rushing toward me. I thought I could even feel the wind on my face. It was nice. I buried my face in my hands and wished I could be there now. I lowered my head and breathed deeply. I was still wearing Emma’s shirt and that filled my head with the aroma of her laundry detergent, her soap, deodorant and the pleasant scent that was just her. It soothed me and my shoulders sagged as I let myself get lost in that memory of her. I clung to that lifeline even as I saw the pavement in my minds-eye.

I could tell she was waiting for me to give her what she wanted. I pulled out my phone and texted Emma, asking if she had afternoon classes. She messaged back right away and told me she was free. I looked up and found her with the quietly hopeful look on her face that I knew would be there. “Go get me excused for the afternoon. Then meet me in the cafeteria. I have to talk to Tricia. We have plans for after school.” My voice was hard, edged with cold rage. “And I want to know which of you had the genius fucking idea to do this to me instead of taking her to get professional help.”

She stared at me like she didn’t understand. “You didn’t even think to take her to the hospital?” I roared, incredulous. “I was there two days ago for this very issue and NONE of you thought this might be something you might want to consider? Unbelievable. Get out of my sight! Go!” I heaved myself to my feet and walked back to the cafeteria just as the bell rang. I fought my way through the press of bodies heading back to class and waited for Tricia to appear. When I saw her, I went over, kissed her on the cheek and told her I had an emergency at home, but I’d be back to pick her up when school ended so we could go look at costumes and she could meet Emma.

“You’ll like her,” I promised. “She’s as sweet as candy.” I gave her a hug and another quick kiss and then I walked back to the door to meet my idiot mother. I was not in a charitable mood at the moment. I explained to Emma what was going on and asked her if she could meet me at home. She said she was on her way and I told Mom that.

“Are you sure that’s wise?” she asked.

“I don’t give a shit if it’s wise,” I snarled harshly. “I’m not going to sacrifice my life to fix this. Someone should have thought to get her professional help. I have a full-time therapist. It should have been obvious.”

She didn’t have an answer for that. We drove in silence and we parked in the driveway finally.

“Mom,” I said quietly when she was about to get out of the car.

She stopped and looked at me.

“Do you have any idea what you’ve done to me? It was monstrous of you to put Beck’s life on my conscience. Whatever good you think will come of this, so much more damage came of it. I martyred my soul to rid us of Miranda. I lost Beck and Lana and Tabby and Collie because they know that I’m capable of murder and they recoil away from it. They love me, but part of them can’t bear the thought of what I could do. Today you held a gun to my head to get me to agree to undo every inch of the progress I made to claw myself out of that hole. You made me choose between my recovery and Beck’s. When I put her back on solid ground, you’ll ask me to do the same for Lana and then again for Collie and then again for Tabby and for Lilly and then you’re going to try to anchor me here to all of them to hold it all together. Does that bother you? Do you understand how much damage this is doing to me?” My voice was dead, the words toneless.

She nodded and I could see hurt in her expression. “If I lose Emma or Tricia...” I said, trailing off. I didn’t say the words, but I took out a pencil and repeated my favorite gesture, snapping it in two symbolically. I placed the pieces in the cup holder in the center console and opened the door. “Go back to school. You have a class to teach.” I got out and closed the door behind me. I dropped my backpack off in my room and when I came back upstairs, Mom was gone and Emma was parking at the curb.

She took one look at me and swore. “What now?” she asked. I filled her in on Beck’s meltdown and how they put it all on me. I told her about the connection I’d made back to Miranda and why they believed the worst of me. “That’s awful. You didn’t have a choice. They can’t hold that against you.”

“Evidently they can,” I said wearily. “I need you here. I have to go in there and stab myself in the soul repeatedly. When that’s done, I have the feeling I’ll need to be close to you.” I plucked at her shirt which I was still wearing. “This is all that’s gotten me this far, believe it or not.”

“Scent triggers,” she smiled sadly. “What did it remind you of?”

“Just you,” I said softly. “Nothing specific. Hugging you and catching the scent of your hair. Rubbing your feet while you talked to your father. The first time you kissed me after I gave you that sketch at lunch. Things like that. It soothed me when I started feeling overwhelmed.”

She nodded and kissed me again. “You want me to go lay on your bed while you talk it out?” she asked helpfully.

“Yes! I had the best night of sleep ever last night. I’d planned to tell you that later.”

She gave me a hug, squeezing me tight. “I know this is hurting you. Don’t lose yourself. I’ll be waiting.”

She let herself into the house and I went next door. The living room was empty so I went upstairs. They were all curled up on Beck’s bed. Lana and Patty were rocking her back and forth. They were surprised to see me. “What are you doing here?” Patty asked.

“Charlotte didn’t tell you?” I asked, not really surprised. I rolled my eyes and crooked a finger, stepping out into the hall.

I waited until she had the door closed and explained to her what had happened with the girls and what my mother had done, leveraging my conscience to get me here to fix this.

Patty looked at me blankly for a few moments, processing what I had said. She finally wrapped her arms around me and hugged me. She was at the end of her rope, I could tell. I hugged her back and while we stood there, I remembered what I’d promised the girls scarcely an hour ago.

“Listen, you need to back off on those lists,” I told her. “I told the girls to do that mostly for them. It was a way for them to add up everything that they did to get back at me. When you’re angry, it’s easy to go overboard when you lash out a little every day. That list makes them look at it all at once. It’s not for your eyes. It’s not even for my eyes if they don’t want me to see it all. I’m going to tell them not to show it to you and I want you to promise to keep out of it. Okay?”

She nodded. “If you can fix this, I’ll agree to just about anything under the sun, Champ,” she said softly.

“If this goes wrong and I lose Emma over this,” I said softly, scared by the prospect, “that’s not going to be a problem. Even if I don’t end up in a grave, I’ll never be right again. Just pray that I’m smart enough to get us both through this maze without having to face that. She’s next door waiting for me right now.”

She squeezed me tight and told me that she loved me before letting me go. She went downstairs and told me to shout if she needed me.

I took a deep breath and filled my head with Emma’s scent before I returned to Beck’s room. She was clinging to Lana and both of them looked miserable. I climbed onto the bed and I wanted to run from the room. Different scent triggers were killing me. I breathed through my mouth and climbed up next to them, wrapping my arms around them slowly. At first she must have thought I was Patty, but she quickly jerked in surprise and twisted around to look at me. Her face was miserable and she collapsed into my arms, sobbing miserably for a long time. Her sobs reminded me of the screaming I’d done in the soundproof cell at the hospital.

I did the only thing I could. I let her cry herself out. When she was calm, I stroked her hair and cuddled her while she caught her breath. Lana was close, but was watching us carefully like we were made of glass. She’d been disconnected from me for weeks, but she’d been told why I was in the hospital over the weekend. She had to know how hard this was for me. I just kept that part of myself separated for the moment, comforting Beck because her need was more immediate than mine. I knew my comfort was waiting for me next door and I could do this because of it.

“Feel like talking?” I asked finally.

“No,” she said miserably.

“I think we should,” I said. “Too much of what’s gone wrong happened because we didn’t talk.”

“You mean WE didn’t talk to YOU,” she said glumly.

“Blame isn’t as important as solving things,” I said mildly. The truth was that she was right. I’d pleaded for them to talk to me, but they’d been so convinced of my guilt that they’d shut me out. “Mom said that you were talking about dying,” I prompted her.

She shrugged. “I deserve it,” she said simply.

“Why? Because you believed Marlene? Everyone else did too. Do they deserve to die too?”

She shrugged again. “I dunno.”

“I don’t think they deserve to die. I don’t think anyone deserves to die. Certainly not you.”

“But I was such a bitch. I can’t make it up to you.”

“Not if you’re dead. You remember when things happened with Patty and me and I ended up in the hospital?”

“Yeah,” she said, confused that I’d bring that up.

“Well she’d done something to hurt me, but we got past it. Things are different between us, but we managed. She still remembers what happened and there’s times I see her look at me with regret and I know she’s thinking about that night. We keep at it though. One day at a time until she doesn’t get that look in her eyes any more.”

“You don’t remember that night though,” she wailed trying to point out the difference.

I took her hand and slipped it under my shirt, guiding her fingers to the incision from my surgery. “I still feel it though,” I told her.