Chapter 23

Thursday was a good day. I woke up with inspiration. I knew what to get for Hanna. I already had Tricia sorted out, so that only left Emma and Zoe to figure out. I’d also figured out a joint gift that had me smiling a secretive smile as we started our day.

“What’s put you in such a good mood?” Emma asked, seeing me enthusiastically get ready to face the day.

“Are you kidding? My genius mind has figured out what to do about Christmas, ” I told her. “And you can have one hint if you really want it.”

“I want a hint, ” Zoe told me as we sat down to breakfast.

“It will be toasty warm while it lasts, ” I told them cryptically with a grin.

They sat and lost themselves in trying to figure out what I had in mind, each of them mumbling the word ‘toasty’ and assuming that was the word the hint revolved around. I’d chew my way into my toolbox full of money if they figured it out from the clue though.

When we left for the morning, they dropped me at the school. I was early, but I took the opportunity to drop my cheerleading gear in my locker and camped out at Tricia’s locker watching the last of yesterday’s lectures. When she appeared, I grinned and got up. I kissed her and she smiled at me.

“You’re in better spirits today, ” she said brightly. “Are you really feeling better?”

“Not exactly, ” I admitted. “I’m a little less overwhelmed though. Emma and Zoe and I talked about Christmas. I tried to talk them into doing small gifts, but they told me the four of you already had a plan. Today I’m in a good mood because I figured out a plan. Whether it works or not will be obvious by how long my mood lasts.” I chuckled and kissed her again.

“Well, we did make a decision on how to celebrate with you, ” she said demurely. “I don’t know what you’re planning though.”

“That’s for the best. You’d think it was too much. How did things go with your dad last night?”

“He was pretty sad, ” she admitted. “That video got to him. He knows what you’re talking about. I think he has some new respect for you after that.”

“I’ll take it, ” I nodded gratefully. “Did you talk to him about getting more freedom or did the video derail that?” I asked.

“We didn’t get back to it last night, ” she sighed. “We talked a lot about Mom and how much we both miss her. I’ll talk to him tonight though for sure.”

I walked her to class and settled into my own day. At lunch, I was checking my phone when I got a text from Emma that confused me. “Eyes-up. Time to talk.”

I looked at it for a moment and then looked up, like the message said and Lana and Beck were standing a short distance away with lunch trays, looking at me. I nodded and they looked relieved, coming to sit down.

“What’s up?” I asked, figuring that it must be big if Emma cleared them for the conversation.

“We’re worried about you, ” Lana said. “Beck told me what you said yesterday about Dr. Saddler. I messaged Emma and told her. She’s worried too.”

I shrugged. “I can see where you’re coming from, but there were three people that pulled me through what happened. Victoria Spencer, Carl Saddler and Emma Robinson. When the four of you dropped those collars on the floor and walked out on me, I was crushed. I didn’t just lose you though. Walls went up between me and Patty and Dan, between me and Lilly and between me and Mom. I lost everyone. Emma was my friend, Victoria was my doctor and Carl was my mentor. They became my family when I found myself adrift. I was also left with a seriously fucked-up piece of programming in my head.”

I frowned and tried to think of how to phrase it. “The three of us were forever. I’d have bet anything that nothing would ever come between us. We’d loved each other for years. We belonged together. Patty and Dan were my parents in every way that mattered. Lilly was my sister and always in my corner. My mother was my mother. Tabby and I shared the worst secrets imaginable and bled our souls onto each other. Collie needed me like she needed air to breathe. Those are all bonds that I would have sworn I could count on no matter what. When they all failed all at once... ”

They looked even more horrified. I’d never talked like this with anyone except Victoria. I’d never explained it out before.

“I’d just always assumed forever meant forever. Now, I know that forever only lasts until circumstance rips apart our best intentions. I try to take the attitude that if things don’t work out, I want to make the most of the time I have with people. I try to make the best memories and live in the moment. When I found out that Carl was dying, it was another of those bonds falling away. Bonds break. It’s the nature of things. Nothing lasts forever. All I can do is treat it as precious while it’s mine to hold.”

I went back to my fries and let them consider that.

“That’s why you said you’re used to losing people?” Lana asked and I nodded. She took a deep breath. “It’s never going to stop hurting you, is it?” she asked, tears in her eyes.

“That’s not what this is about, Lana, ” I told her gently, avoiding the answer. “The divorce and my mother’s meltdown, Miranda and everything Marlene caused all went into a pot to create this result. I’m not huddled in my head, convinced everyone is going to abandon me again. I’m philosophical about how I deal with loss. Will my relationships last the rest of my life? I hope so, but a lot can happen. I try to make the most of the time I have because I know that I might not have as much time as I’d thought. Is that really so bad?”

“I suppose not, ” Beck admitted. “You sounded more like you expected everyone to abandon you when you said it yesterday.”

“I don’t expect it, but I know that it could happen. I didn’t know that before because until those collars were laying in a heap on the floor, that had never happened to me. I want to spend the rest of my life with Emma, but if something comes between us, I want our time together to be perfect and I hope that whatever might come between us doesn’t taint those memories so they don’t turn into nightmares. That scares me most of all. Losing people is one thing, but feeling taint on the happiness we had ... I think that would destroy me.”

They both looked ashamed of themselves all over and I grimaced.

“Look, I’m not trying to aggravate you or make you feel guilty, but yes, what happened between us taught me a lot about relationships that I probably didn’t want to know. Just like your time with the Watermans taught you a lot that you wished you’d never learned. We can’t change it. We can only learn from it and try to carry the positives into our lives going forward.”

They nodded. “Yeah, ” Beck agreed. “I know I’ll never do anything like that again.”

“And you’re both getting help for the other thing they did to harm you?” I asked delicately.

“Yes. We told Dr. Gionetti and she’s helping us, ” Lana told me.

“Good. I’m glad you trust her, ” I told them. “Are you both pleased with the progress you’re making?”

They seemed reasonably happy with her and said so. “She wants to see you, ” Beck said. “She asked if you’d be willing to see her.”

That surprised me and I told them I’d think about it. I asked when their appointments were so I could schedule it in if Victoria thought it was a good idea.

“She said that if you agreed, she’d clear it with Dr. Spencer and attend one of your appointments, ” Lana said.

“I don’t have any objections, but Dr. Spencer might. Tell her it’s okay for her to approach her, but not to be surprised if she’s not convinced it’s a good idea. I put my trust in her to do what’s right for me.”

They nodded and Lana was about to speak when my phone rang. I picked it up and saw a new number. “Hello, Matt speaking.”

“Hi Matt, ” came a voice from my deepest fantasies. “I’m sorry I haven’t called you sooner. It’s been kind of hectic lately though. I saw your video the other night and got your number from Chris. I hope you don’t mind.”

The girls must have seen the shock on my face because they were suddenly all attention.

“No, I don’t mind. I’d have given you my number long ago I’d known you wanted it, ” I said with a slow smile blooming on my face. “How are you?”

“Me? I called to ask how you are. You were pretty upset in that video. It made me a little weepy when I got to the end.”

“I’m doing a little better, ” I told my all-time-outstanding-celebrity-crush-of-all-time. “I mean, it’s still awful to know this is going to be his last Christmas with us, but it’s getting a little less overwhelming. Sometimes I even get distracted from it for a little while and I feel almost normal. Today’s been a good day.”

“And I’m ruining it by asking about it!” she said, anguished. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t apologize. I can’t think of a better way to keep my spirits up than getting a phone call from Scarlett Johansson. I never really forget about it, but sometimes good things push it away from my attention for a little while. This is one of those moments.”

“That’s sweet of you, ” she told me gratefully. “I know Chris is planning to call you later. He said he has some news for you about April. I wanted to let you know I’ll be there too. I have to start my day, but I wanted to reach out and let you know I’d seen the video and I’m sorry about what’s happening.”

“Thanks. I can’t tell you how much it means to hear from you, ” I told her.

She said goodbye and I promptly created a new contact for her.

“Was that really her?” Beck asked, shocked.

I nodded. “I’ve talked to Chris Pratt a couple of times, Chris Evans and even got a call from Robert Downey Jr. the other night. Everyone seems to be excited by the April 2nd thing. Chris Pratt called right after I posted the last thing on YouTube and that’s what she was calling for too. She said Chris Evans is planning to call me later. He’s got some news.”

“You’re seriously famous, ” Lana said, stunned.

“Not really, but I’m getting to talk to a few people who are, ” I allowed.

My phone chimed and Scarlett had Tweeted a link to my last video and captioned it ‘So heartbreaking’ as a description.

Beck looked around and saw that no one was looking at us. She frowned and before I could stop her, she raised her voice and shouted. “Matt just got a personal phone call from Scarlett Johansson!”

That got what she was looking for and every eye in the room turned to us in shock.

My phone pinged again and there was a new Tweet. “Sweetest guy ever! Put my foot in my mouth and he smoothed it over for me in the middle of his bad week.”

She punctuated it with hearts and kisses.

“She just Tweeted about it, ” I said and there was a ripple of people pulling out phones to check. I showed Lana and Beck what she’d posted and then decided I needed to have one more conversation. I got up and picked up my bag. “I need to call Emma. If she’s worried that I’m thinking like this, she needs to hear from me.” They nodded and I walked out to have a little more privacy while I talked.

“Hi, Babe, ” I said affectionately when she answered. “I’m told you’re worried about me.”

“You’re damn right I am!” she snapped sharply. “‘I lose people’? ‘I’m USED to it’?!!?”

“Can I explain?” I asked gently.

“Quickly!”

“Since June, I’ve lost ten people I’ve loved, including Carl. TEN! I lost four of them in one conversation. I’ve lost my whole family and now my mentor who had become like a surrogate father to me. You notice I didn’t say I expect to lose everyone around me, but this summer I’ve had my life implode twice and now one of the ONLY three people that stuck with me through the worst of it is dying. I meant that I’m coping with loss better and that I keep it in mind and try to make the most of the time that I have with people because I know better than most, that the time I have could be shorter than I know. I just explained that to them too. I did NOT mean that I expect to lose you. You’re stuck with me, Bride-To-Be. But circumstances sometimes tear our plans apart. I could be hit by a bus tomorrow. You could get a tremendous offer to study at a school that’s doing the exact kind of work you want to spend your career doing. Your parents could adamantly refuse to accept us and do everything in their power to drive a wedge between us. A former lover could come and stab one of us to death in a fit of jealous rage. All these are things I wouldn’t have thought of before I lost all those people. Before then, forever meant forever. I would have sworn on the first day of school, NOTHING could have broken me and those girls up. I would have bet my life that my mother would never turn her back on me. I would have put my faith in my sister absolutely. Those were relationships that I attached the word ‘forever’ to. I still mean it when I say ‘forever’ and I’m saying it to you. I just meant that I’m starting to understand that circumstances change and that when they do, sometimes things have to change with them. Does that make you feel a little better?”

She sighed and was quiet for a moment before she spoke. “A little. I thought you were talking like you expected us to break up.”

“I know that now and it’s why I called you right away. Like I told them, all the fucked-up shit that’s happened has hammered home to me that bonds break. I can’t stop it from ever happening. I can just treat those people as precious to me while they’re in my life. Just for an example, Tricia’s father could send her to live with her grandparents in Florida to keep her away from me. He doesn’t like me, so it COULD happen. We’d all be devastated to lose her like that, but in the end, we’d have to let her go so she could find happiness and build a life there. That’s what I was talking about. I don’t intend to stop holding on, but I understand that life intervenes. I didn’t understand that before. I knew it intellectually, but the lesson had never been driven home before.”

“Okay, ” she said, sounding far more calm. “When you use Tricia’s circumstance as an example, I understand. It sucks, but I get it. You’ve got more reason than anyone I know to be afraid to form attachments, but you aren’t afraid. That’s kind of admirable, you know.”

“Are you kidding? I’m terrified of getting my heart broken again, ” I confessed to her. “I just know I can trust you four with it.”

“You were sure you could trust Lana and Beck with it, ” she pointed out dryly.

“Is it really so surprising that I trust you more?” I asked. “I never asked either of them to marry me. You’re also older, wiser and know me better than they do.”

“They’ve known you for nine years, ” she blurted. “That’s just a ridiculous claim.”

“No, it’s really not. They know more about my history. You know more about who I am as a person. I’ve grown a lot this summer and no one else really knows that. They see flashes of it and it takes them by surprise. You just smile and it’s no big deal because you know me. If something stupid like that were to happen again, you’d stop and think about it and then you’d come talk to me because you know you can trust me to tell you the truth.”

“That’s true, ” she said. “That still only covers the most recent stuff. They’ve still got your number on the older stuff.”

“So what? Is it really ever going to be a relationship issue for you to know what color my first bike was or when I gave up stuffed toys? Is it gonna bother you to not know who my fourth grade teacher was? It was Mrs. Butler. I’ll tell you anything you want to know.”

“Anything?” she asked, a trace of her usual playfulness in her voice.

“Anything, ” I promised, “but I’m not going to tell you what I’m getting you for Christmas until AFTER I give it to you. Nice try.”

“FUCK!” she giggled. “Alright, crisis averted. I love you.”

“I love you too. Oh, there’s one other thing that happened today. Hardly seems important enough to bring up, but I don’t keep secrets unless I have to. Scarlett Johansson just called me.”

“Really? Where does that place her in the top twenty?”

“Sixth. There’s the four of you and Patty ahead of her. She still hasn’t proven she can cook, after all.”

She laughed about that. “What did she call for?”

“She saw the video I put up last night and it got to her. She wanted to call and let me know she was coming in April and to ask how I was doing.”

“That was nice of her, ” she said happily. “That must have made your day.”

“Actually, hearing you in a better mood makes my day, ” I told her.

“Charmer, ” she said accusingly then laughed.

“Listen, I have to go. Lunch is almost up and I usually meet Tricia to walk her to lunch.”

“A little over-protective, aren’t we?” she asked dryly.

“Not at all. She’s asked me to be more affectionate at school so guys don’t hit on her since her make-over, but I just like spending time with her. I don’t get to do that a lot even though she’s in a couple of my classes.”