Chapter 1

I was standing at my locker in kind of a daze. I was going through the motions and picking out my books for Monday, but I really didn’t give a shit. I was giving more and more thought to burning through my classes and getting the fuck out of here. I’d had enough of walking the halls and having people rub my face in it. How long had it been? I stared at the stack of books, counting the days. Six weeks.

‘Happy Anniversary, ‘ I thought to myself bitterly. I closed my eyes and imagined I could feel wind on my face. It felt calming as I watched balconies zoom past in my mind’s eye.

I reached in to pick up my psych 100 book and the door suddenly slammed on my wrist making me swear.

“What the hell is your problem?!!?” Lana hissed, her hand still on the door.

“Right now my problem is you slammed my fucking hand in my locker door. What do you want?” I spat and flung the door open, pulling my arm loose and looking at the damage. The latch bit into my skin and I was bleeding. I tossed my psych book in my backpack and slammed my locker shut, clicking the lock shut and spinning it to clear the tumblers.

“My problem is YOU!” she said.

“Then you know what the solution is. Stay the fuck away from me. Problem solved,” I snarled. “You made it perfectly clear to ME that I wasn’t part of YOUR life, so why do you keep coming back to pick at me? You said we were done and that was that. I didn’t chase you, didn’t make an ass of myself trying to change your mind. You told me you didn’t care about me and walked out on me. I’ve tried to stay away from you, your boyfriend and all your new friends to make things easy for you so instead, you walk up and attack me. Fuck you! You’ve already done as much to me as you can. You want to hurt me more? Here! Let me help you.” I took her hand and slapped a pencil into her palm. I pointed to my throat. “Go ahead. Drive the point in right there! It’s no worse than everything else you’ve done to me! You said you didn’t fucking care if I died! Here’s your chance!” I was aware I’d been screaming, but I didn’t care. There were tears in my eyes as I stared at her in hate and pain, jabbing a finger at my own throat in encouragement. “DO IT!” I raged at her, my face turning red.

The hall was silent around us and she looked at me with a shock that I’d never seen on her face. I stared into her eyes, tears streaming down my face, challenging her to put me out of my misery and then I spoke again. “When I said forever, I meant it. There’s only one end to this pain,” I said in a whisper for her ears alone. “But you know that. It’s why you come back to make sure it stays fresh and it’s why you wouldn’t raise that pencil now. You want me to hurt. I don’t deserve that.”

I turned and walked away. I left the school, ignoring the people trying to call me back or ask questions. The October air was cool, but it wouldn’t get cold until dark. I wished I’d taken my jacket. I wasn’t sure whether it was the adrenaline crash or the cold or the emotion that was making me shake, but I walked, changing direction often in case the school sent someone to look for me. I’d left my bike, my jacket and my phone at school, The only things I had were my wallet and my backpack which had my laptop in it. I walked until I felt like my feet were made of lead and I was so cold, the chill had sunk into my bones. I felt miserable, but not nearly so bad as I felt inside.

I hunkered down in a Subway and got something to eat reluctantly, letting myself warm up and eating a bowl of their soup and a sandwich while I thought about my options. Home was out. By now Lana’s version of events was poisoning the well. Emma was out. She and Lana still talked. I doubted I’d ever talk to Lana again. Tabby and Collie had moved on with their lives. As much as I thought I might be able to ask them for help, I couldn’t do that to them and I couldn’t move past the uncertainty. They’d been there alongside Lana. Donald would have to tell Mom and that would turn into the same thing as going home. Mom had ways of reaching Carl or Victoria, that cut off those avenues of refuge.

I sat glumly and discounted my options one by one. At least there was wi-fi here. I pulled out my laptop and logged into my lectures for the day, playing them one by one to distract myself. I logged into Skype in the background, setting my status to appear offline. Immediately, I started getting pings from Lilly, Patty, Mom, Emma, Tabby, Collie, Donald and several others. Beck and Lana messaged me too. That was news. Last time I’d checked, they had me blocked on everything. I let the messages flash while I finished my day’s lectures and plugged the laptop into the wall socket nearby.

I finally started to look at the Skype requests and opened up the conversations. Most of them were concerned citizens looking to locate me. I checked the time and realized how long I’d been gone. I typed a generic answer of “I’m not coming home. Goodbye.” and pasted it in every window.

That lit up the conversations even worse. I hadn’t even read the initial messages.

I sighed and started with the one that was likely to be the easiest to deal with. Lilly wanted to know what had happened, so I typed the details furiously into the message window and sent it before deciding that it was likely the best way to get them all to understand. I copied the explanation while Lilly typed and then went to read Mom’s demand that I come home and explain myself right this very instant. I sent the explanation and told her I was done. That I’d put up with this agony for 6 weeks and I was through fighting it.

I told Patty the same thing. I felt bad about that. I told her I loved her and I was sorry that she was caught in the middle of all this.

Tabby and Collie just got the explanation of what happened. I didn’t owe them any indication of what I was going to do, just like they didn’t owe me anything. Donald got the explanation and an assurance that I’d figure something out.

I brushed off the kids from school for the most part. They’d all seen or heard what had happened. I didn’t even go back to the windows with Beck or Lana’s conversations. Those doors were closed to me harshly and without warning. Emma got a little more. I told her what had happened in more detail, rather than pasting the answer I’d given Lilly. I told her what I’d whispered to Lana and I didn’t think I could go on like this. I asked her not to share anything about me with Lana and she promised she wouldn’t. She asked where I was and I told her I was in a restaurant, warming up.

By this point, Lilly had replied with a string of swearing that would have made me proud under other circumstances. Mom and Patty were pleading with me to come home and we’d fix it. I replied that there was no fixing it any more. It was broken. I was broken.

Everyone was trying to get me to go home, to face that pain again. Finally, I wrote the following and pasted it everywhere.

“Two months ago, I had the best life imaginable. My world was filled with love and happiness. There was sorrow and heartache, but I had the support of so many people who loved me that it was bearable. You all gave me the strength to carry on. Maybe it IS all my fault that I didn’t tell you often enough how much you meant to me and maybe that’s why so many of you drifted away and why the most important ones broke my heart. I’ve tried to cope with those losses over the past 60 days, but what happened today laid open all those wounds and they’re festered. I’m drowning in pain and I can’t fight it any more. I don’t HAVE the strength to carry on like I had before. I don’t have the help to carry on any more and today I ran out of the will to carry on. I asked the person I’ve loved longest to end my pain today. She wouldn’t. Whether it was from a desire to see me recover or a chance to prolong my torment, I’ll never know. I just know that I can’t go on any more. I’ve pretended like I was coping for too long. I’m not. There’s nothing left in my life but pain and hate and scorn and misery and torment. There’s no reason to keep going, no light, no hope, no warmth. I’m not okay. Not now, not for the rest of my life. Not ever.”

I sent it to everyone and let them digest that. I took a drink and finished my soup which was mostly cold while the pleas for me to reconsider came in.

Emma requested video chat and I reluctantly switched to my headset with the mic before accepting.

“Don’t you even joke about that,” she started in hushed, but urgent tones. “Where are you? I’ll come pick you up.”

“I’m not joking and I don’t want to put you in the middle,” I protested dully. “I know you and Lana are still friends.”

“She has people who are looking out for her right now. She’s warm and safe and considerably less upset than you are.” She looked at me, concerned.

“That makes sense. Why would she be upset? I took her only problem out of school today.”

“What a fuckin’ mess!” she breathed. “Look, I PROMISE I won’t tell her where you are or even that you’re with me. I swear. Just please let me pick you up. I’ll lie to everyone and say you won’t tell me. Just let me get you somewhere safe so we can talk.” Her eyes pleaded with me to let her help.

I sighed and nodded finally. I gave her the address and she said she’d be here in twenty minutes. I closed the window and answered the rest of the messages as best I could. I still didn’t look at Beck or Lana’s messages at all. I also didn’t bother with Tabby or Collie’s, closing the windows and letting the incoming message icon blip next to their names in my contact list.

Lilly, Patty, Mom and Donald I gave a generic message that I had to go, but I’d message them again when I was able to find somewhere warm again. I told Lilly that my phone and jacket were in my locker at school, so Mom wouldn’t be able to track me by my phone. Apparently that had already been discovered. She said Mom was frantic and might skin me alive when I came home.

“I’m not coming home.”

“Don’t talk like that.”

“I have to go. Goodbye Blue. I love you.”

I logged out of Skype and packed up my laptop quickly, going outside to wait for Emma to show up. The cold and the wind were brutal, but at the moment I didn’t care. She pulled up about ten minutes later and I got in. She leaned over to give me a hug and the brief taste of warmth started me shivering.

“Jesus! You’re like ice!” She turned up the heater and turned the vents to point at me as I shivered in the passenger seat.

She took me for a long drive, talking to me about what had happened, not just today, but since classes had started. I told her about how Lana and Beck had both flaunted their new boyfriends, seeming to take an almost perverse glee in displaying how much happier they were now.

“I lost my best friend and the girl I’ve loved since I was little. Losing them as lovers is one thing, but I can feel malice from them every single day I see them at school. They’ll kiss their boyfriends and then I’ve seen them both look for me to see if I’m watching. I’ve been trying not to react to it for 6 weeks now. I try to avoid them when I can. Today when she slammed my arm in my locker and got in my face, I lost it. I can’t keep doing this any more.”

“I’m not saying you should,” Emma said quietly. “That kind of thing sucks. Some girls want to do that because they want to feel like they have a fallback plan if things go wrong. Keep the guy on a string and have the tearful reunion if boyfriend #1 doesn’t work out.”

“That’s pretty despicable. You really think that’s what they’re doing?”

“Beck’s probably taking her sister’s lead. Lana, I don’t know. I could probably find out, but it would mean messaging her and I promised you I wouldn’t.”

“You only promised you wouldn’t tell her I was with you,” I said, thickly, the chattering of my teeth starting to diminish.

She nodded. “When we get back to my place, I’ll message her and find out what’s going on.”

We drove the rest of the way in silence and when we were back in her room, she handed me a sweatshirt to try to keep me warm. She logged back into Skype and checked her phone messages. She waved me over to read over her shoulder as she typed, asking Lana if I’d shown up at home and explained that she’d had to leave due to a fire drill.

“Nice cover,” I commented.

“We had one the other day. Pain in the ass.”

She told me to stay quiet and called Lana, angling the phone so I could hear too.

“Okay, what happened?” she asked when Lana answered.

“I don’t know!” Lana had been crying clearly. “He won’t even talk to me at school for weeks and weeks. I tried to find out why today and he started screaming at me and told me to stab him. He kept pointing to his neck and telling me it’s no worse than what I’d already done.”

“Because he loves you, you ditsy, stupid cunt. You broke his heart and rubbed his nose in it like you were proud you did it. Why he gives a shit enough to be suicidal is beyond me right now. Stop and think about what you’re doing. He lost ALL FOUR of you all at once. He goes to school and sees nothing but you and Beck making kissy-faces all day long and then he goes home where your family and his are in each others lives. Imagine how you’d feel if he dumped you for someone else and made you watch while he made a big fucking production of parading his girlfriend around like a trophy. You’d feel like absolute shit. He’s out there on the streets, cold, in agony and probably suicidal while you’re home, warm, safe and only now starting to think that you might not have treated him like he mattered to you. Go get your mother. Then it’s YOUR responsibility to explain how equally guilty of creating this whole fucking mess your sister is. I want to talk to your mother.”

She was fuming. “I hate girls,” she said darkly. “I saw this so many times back home. It’s one of the games they play. I’m starting to think I’m the only one that doesn’t.”

A moment later, Patty came to the phone. “Hello?” she said hopefully. Emma explained who she was and how she knew Lana and explained what had happened from both ends of the equation. “You need to keep an eye on them now that they know what they’ve put him through the past six weeks. They have a history of doing stupid things. Trying to hurt themselves isn’t outside the realm of possibility.”

“Have you heard from him?” Patty asked, sounding worried.

“I talked to him by Skype call a little while ago. He said he was in a restaurant trying to get warm.”

“Did he say what one?” she asked hopefully.