Chapter 4

Mortified. So embarrased death seems not only reasonable but deserved. A complete understatement.

“Did you just--” Xiomara’s face twisted in a moment of disgust as I stickily soiled our bottoms. I huffed, horrified.

“I’m so sorry--” I garbled over a tongue that felt too big and too dry. “I--you--everything, everyone. I’m--”

“It’s OK sweetheart,” She told me as her horror bloomed into a radiant smile. The faces around the table were showing every possible judgment. Renee looked disgusted. Connie looked disappointed. Marin was giggling. Suzi was frowning. Hannah had gone red. Andrea had gone white. Pat was smug as shit. Kia was leaving the table. Xiomara kissed my forehead, “You didn’t do anything wrong.”

“Get off of him, X,” Kia slapped her hand down on my bicep shaking me out of my stupefication, “He needs a shower.”

“He just came in his pants!” Pat made me redder than her hair.

“And he can’t just keep sitting in them,” Kia snarled.

“And you’re going to shower with him?” Xiomara scowled, “I thought we weren’t going to do anything until we talked about this with the group?”

“He needs to clean up X,” Connie pointed out, “If you’re threatened by Kia, three of you will fit in a shower.”

“Oh for fuck’s sake! He’s a pervert and you’re rewarding him?” Pat growled.

“Of course not, Renee isn’t joining him,” That caused Renee to blush deeper than I was, It helped. Marin and Suzi chuckled.

“I don’t think it should be X or Kia,” Hannah spoke licking her lips, “I don’t think we could handle a fight.”

“I’ll get him a change of pants,” Andrea had to rush away from the table to the lockers. I looked around.

“Maybe the showers will start with just one boy?” I suggested, hoped. I couldn’t believe the closeness and contact of Kia and Xiomara were already getting me hard again.

“Having a real talk about this wouldn’t be the worst thing,” Connie said. “I like sex. I like boys. Sooner or later, X, you’re going to have to give us a shot at your boy.”

“Oh my God,” I started smiling.

“You’re going to set him off again,” Pat scowled. Andrea returned and laid a pair of black jeans and blue underwear on the table.

“Dean’s my friend, I’m looking out for him,” Xiomara claimed and I hugged her for that.

“No one believes that,” Kia snarled. I believed that, what? “You just want the monopoly on him. So you can boss us around.”

“Is that why you talk to me? Kissed me?” I accused Kia, “To beat Xiomara to it? So you could be in control?”

“No! God! Dean, you’re an idiot!” She huffed.

“I like where this is going,” Marin nodded stroking her chin. I needed that smile, “Now if the three of you could get naked, we’ll start filming.”

“You’re a mess, buddy,” Hannah suggested, “Go, see if the showers work for just you.”

I squelched to my feet, turning my face away from everyone. I hurried to the showers hearing soft feet behind me. The showers were big blunt cornered triangles with large glass doors. I reached for the controls on the wall but nothing happened.

“I don’t like aliens,” Pat announced.

“That is deeply offensive to my people,” Xiomara declared. Some of us laughed. I looked at Kia and Xiomara who waited at the glass door to the shower. Waiting for me to invite them in? One in? I didn’t want to pick. I tried to pick through my thoughts. I tried to remember life at home. Who would I have wanted? If I could have anyone? Elizabeth came to mind and I hated myself. If I could have anyone in this room?

Hannah, Connie and Andrea I wrote off right away. To Hannah I was too shallow, for Connie I was too elitist, of Andrea I was too oblivious. I had liked Trishie but hadn’t hardly known Pat who she had grown into. Xiomara picked on me and I had often felt shitty around her. Suzi was a know-it-all and Renee was a goody-goody. I looked at Kia. If I just picked her. If I was a man, took responsibility, made a decision, maybe I’d be happy. I smiled. Obviously, I wanted Marin.

“Girls,” I said to the room and everyone turned to me. I pushed Kia away from my train of thoughts. My cowardice wouldn’t let me carry the torches to bridges. I wasn’t going to turn away Xiomara, “I’m going to take a shower. Everyone is welcome.”

“I have another engagement,” Marin snootily blew on her fingernails. Renee chuckled but wouldn’t look at me. All the girls watched me. I was turning red. I was ravaged by feelings, impatience, embarrassment, anger, confusion and loneliness.

“And I think it’s fair that if you choose to peek at me, I’ll get to peek at you,” I croaked losing confidence as I spoke. Pat swiveled immediately to face the beds. Andrea turned slower but with no delay. Renee covered her face in her hands until Connie helped her around. The cheerleaders sat together closest to us, Connie hardly gave me a crooked smile before turning with Renee. Marin drummed her fingers on the table thinking and smiling but when I met her eyes she rotated away. I felt that. Hannah had turned away as well. Suzi just rested her elbow on the table and looked straight at me. That was a challenge I wasn’t ready to meet.

“That was clever Dean,” Kia smiled at me, “X, bring over his fresh bottoms please.”

“You say please and--”

“No.” I stepped towards the two and glared, almost, into their faces, “I’m not going to lie. I can’t. I want none of this. I want to run away. I can’t. I want to take a shower by myself. I can’t. I want to catch up to my thoughts. I can’t. I want to find my friends. I can’t. I want my mom. I want my Goddamned sister. I--”

Xiomara stopped me with a finger against my lips.

“You’re right,” She offered me a warm grin. She never once looked at Kia, “He doesn’t want to see us fight. I don’t want to fight. You help him out. Alright Kia? Take care of Dean.”

“What?” Gummed Kia. She paled and flicked her eyes angrily at Xiomara and fearfully at me. I watched Xiomara walk to the table and grab my jeans. She brought them over and laid them next to the shower and placed a folded towel on top. I just watched her, she seemed ignorant of me. She walked and scooted Suzi down a seat and forced her to look away with everyone else.

“OK,” I couldn’t hide the frog in my throat, “Thank you, Kia.”

“I, um,” She nervously scratched at the hem of her jeans.

“I guess we should hurry, for everyone’s sake,” The girls were all frighteningly quiet. At least they had distracted me with card games and conversation. I sighed. I undid my fly. I felt so gross as the cloth of my boxers started to peel away. Kia screamed.

“No! I’m--Nope,” She flustered and rushed over to the beds, storming past everyone and tossing herself onto the beds. I just watched her dumbstruck. I felt relieved from the fear and embarrassment for only a moment. Then I felt crushed. I growled as I stripped off my jeans and walked out of the shower.

“Xiomara?” I asked.

“You might be best cleaning up at the sink,” She told me without looking. I looked at the back of everyone’s head. I was angry. I grabbed the towel and neglected any sort of modesty as I wiped down my legs and rubbed in the hand soap. The girls all waited in oppressive silence. Andrea hiccupped while Hannah reached to hold the girl. Connie and Renee were squeezing fingers. Pat bounced on her stool. Kia was sobbing and Marin had climbed onto the bed with her. They hugged. I stabbed my feet into the legs of the replacement jeans.

Everyone jumped when I stormed to the lockers and ripped open the library. I had left my soiled clothes and dirty towel by the sink. I recognized I was being petty but couldn’t change how I felt. I let my actions scream how bad I felt. I knew, that none of us understood or had chosen to be here but we were. I wasn’t ready to be the bigger man. I slumped down at the end of the lockers and blocked the rest of the room with a book.

“This is ridiculous!” Pat was grumbling. I flipped the page.

“Dean?” Xiomara had come over and I felt better when she rubbed my hair, but I just hung on to my bad feelings and ripped to the next page.

“I don’t like this place,” Renee was saying.

“How about we all--”

When I turned the next page I realized despite staring at the words I hadn’t even known what I was reading what book I had chosen. I took a deep breath and Xiomara whispered something to me and went to the table.

I apparently was reading Lewis Carroll’s Through The Looking Glass. Knowing that, I went back to the front page and started over. Focusing on the book helped. I was going through it quite rapidly. I slowly found that I didn’t have to ignore the girls.

Was I a bad guy? Should I have cleaned up and checked on Kia? She was up and around by the time I wasn’t suicidal. Her eyes were dark circles and puffy red. Marin and Suzi had her by the sinks and were helping her get back to normal. I dodged her eyes in the mirror. She looked a wreck.

Xiomara kept an eye on me. I felt even worse. She had tried to make me happy, comfortable. She had avoided a fight none of us could have taken. I owed her a thank you, an apology and probably more. She was sitting across the table next to Hannah playing some game with Connie and Renee. Pat grumpily flitted about and kept a hawkish eye on me as well.

“Can I read with you?” Andrea cast a shadow over me. I was feeling less extreme. She sat down next to me.

Andrea was a great looking girl, even back home. She was Chinese, like Suzi, but was darker. Her hair was gorgeous black and fell down to the bottom of her little breasts, the smallest in the room. She had dark eyes and round but cute features. Back home she was usually the prettiest girls in the room or at least the top 3. After we’d been slimmed of belly, toned of muscle, cleared of skin and everything, she might have ended up the plainest. She hit my knee with hers. She was reading Alice in Wonderland.

“Want to switch when we’re done?” She asked hopefully.

“OK,” I agreed, “I’d like that.”

The two of us just sat on the floor, side by side, reading. She smelled super good. I found myself rereading lines more often than before. I wasn’t mind twisted like I had been when Xiomara had been on my lap or Kia had been cornering me or I’d been diving deeper into everything without stopping to think. I was just happy to have her around me.