Chapter 29

“Tabby, come take a walk with me,” I said, acutely aware that I’d promised today to Collie, but Tabby looked like she was getting more confused and upset by the minute. I wanted to head this off before we had another emergency on our hands. She nodded and got to her feet, her eyes still on the portrait like it was a wild animal that might harm her if she wasn’t careful around it. I took Collie’s hand and squeezed it, giving her a look that I hoped told her how much I regretted having to step away from her today of all days.

She grinned and hugged me. “Take care of her,” she whispered. “Just don’t take too long. I want to thank you for this.”

I caught everyone’s eyes and then took Tabby’s hand and led her to the door. I led her down toward the baseball diamond that Beck played at. It wasn’t a terribly long walk and the field should be mostly deserted at this time of day.

“Are you okay?” I asked when we were away from the houses. I kept one eye on her and one on where I was going, aware that I didn’t want to have another fall.

She sighed and I knew that the answer was no, even though she said that she was.

“I’ve been worried about you,” I told her, not challenging her answer.

“Is that why I’m in the portrait? Because you’re worried about me?” She sounded like she was starting to get angry and I knew that I hadn’t said anything wrong.

“No,” I said. “You’ve got it backwards.”

“What?” she asked, confused. That was good. It blunted her anger and made her listen.

“You think you’re in the portrait because I’m worried about you, but I’m worried about you because you’re in the portrait,” I told her, leading her to the bleachers so we could sit and talk.

“That doesn’t make any sense!” she spat. “Why put me in the portrait then?”

“I put everyone in the portrait that are members of my family,” I said. “I HAD to put you there. It’s where you belong. But being a member of my family, I worry about you. I worry about all of my family. Mom, Lilly, Patty, Dan, Lana, Beck, Collie and you. I worry more about you and Collie though. You know why?”

“Why?” she asked, taken off guard by the way I was talking.

“You’re the newest members of our family. We’re still learning about you both and you’re still learning about the rest of the family. There’s so much we don’t know about each other. I worry that there’s more that I could be doing for both of you, more I SHOULD be doing. I just don’t know HOW to help yet. I don’t know WHAT you both need. I took a big step forward with Collie today. I think she was in a lot worse shape financially than she was letting us know. The way she broke down and cried when I told her I wanted to do that and her relief at being given a safe, reliable place to live without a roommate that may decide to throw a party when she needs to study made me think that she was on the verge of losing her fight to get through school and be successful. I worry about you for different reasons.”

She was looking at me differently than she had, more wary than angry now and I’d take that as an improvement for the moment. “What reasons are those?”

“I worry about your home situation, about how life has treated you, about how I can help you, about what help you actually need.”

“Why should any of that matter?” she asked a touch bitterly.

“If I thought of you as a thing or only considered you as a life support system for your vagina, I suppose it wouldn’t matter,” I said softly. “I don’t look at you like that though. I look at you like a person. When I woke up in the hospital, ashamed of how I’d taken off, it was you that told me about your aunt and uncle and how you’d felt when they reprimanded you after your parents divorced. It made me feel better about how I’d reacted. When I talked about taking on too many courses, it was you that pleaded with me not to because you knew someone that lost their mind that way.”

I took her hand and she flinched at first, but then let me take it. I was deep in that minefield now, blindfold firmly in place and my tap shoes tied tight.

“Those are the actions of someone who cares deeply about me. You stayed with me at the hospital and then kept with me afterwards and I’m not precisely the kind of boyfriend that you can take to the college parties and show off. You had plenty of reasons to leave and all the opportunity in the world. You stayed though and showed us that you cared. You bonded with Lana and Beck and the rest of the family. How could I NOT love you back? How could I NOT put you in that portrait? You belong there and you deserve to be there. The fact that you don’t feel that way bothers me, makes me worry about you all over again. Someone I love is hurting and I need to know how I can help.”

“You can’t!” she said firmly. “There’s some things that you just can’t fix.”

“You don’t need fixing,” I told her. “You’re not broken. You need help to see that we care about you. I just don’t know the best way to do that yet.”

“Just that simple?” she laughed bitterly. “Give you a minute and you’ll have it all figured out! Great! How’s that working out?”

“You really want me to tell you?” I asked gently.

“Sure! What sort of insight do you have for me today? You’re the genius.” She was angry again. I could hear the beeping of the mines around my toes now.

I took a deep breath and turned a little, holding her hand in both of mine. “Okay. You put up a strong, independent front, but you’re submissive in private. You’ve been in relationships that were emotionally empty and abusive like with Miranda. She beat and humiliated you for her own pleasure, but didn’t care about you. You expected the same from me and it confuses you that it’s different. You’re ready, willing and able to commit to a relationship where you’ll be marginalized or physically, sexually and emotionally abused by a tormentor and you’ve come to feel that’s normal. You’re kind to others, but you expect to be mistreated in return. When I offered to help, you were more confused by why I would do it than relieved by the help or outraged by what you might have thought was charity. In your head, you’ve already signed up for whatever I intend to put you through and when I do something nice for you, it makes you suspicious. Something bad happened to you. I think I know what and it’s making me sick to my stomach to speculate about it. I want to help you, but I’m terrified that anything I say or do will make it worse.”

My voice was shaking and my hands were too. I had tears in my eyes, I realized and tried to blink them back, succeeding in making one spill out over my eyelid instead.

“When you told us about your living situation, you told us you don’t get asked questions they don’t want answers to, but the questions they’ve posed and the ones they haven’t are troubling to me. They worry about where the money came from for your new computer and books, but they don’t seem concerned that you’ll be spending random nights away from the house. That tells me that money is first and your safety is second, at best when you’re there. I’m terrified for you right now and terrified that we’re on the verge of losing you because you can’t accept our love, can’t accept that we DO love you.” I held her hand tight, afraid she’d bolt and we’d never see her again. “Please!” I begged. “Help me! Let me in so I can help!”

There were tears in her eyes too. “You CAN’T help me!” she shouted and tried to pull her hand free.

I held on as tight as I could. “NO!” I shouted back. “You need to talk about it, damn it! It’s gnawing at you and I can’t leave it alone knowing it’s killing you.”

“How would you know what it’s like to have something gnawing at you?!” she roared at me and something broke in me.

I stared at her and something inside me snapped. I could feel all the air in my chest constrict and my eyes glazed over with tears, blurring her face as I started to shake. “You think I don’t KNOW?!!? I killed Miranda!” I hissed back. “I had her thrown off her own balcony. I stood where it happened! I looked down at the stain where she hit the pavement! I see that every night. I did that! Me! You think that doesn’t tear at me?!!? You think it hasn’t occurred to me that justice would be me going over that same balcony?!!? I think about that every time I have that dream and watch the pavement rush closer as I fall! I have that dream every night! Even when I’m not asleep, I’ll close my eyes and be able to count every floor as they slide past on the way down! I can’t get it out of my head! I look at the tools in the garage and wonder if I could claw that thought out with one of them and if I could, I would! Is that what it’s like?!!? Does it feel like wanting to put a screwdriver into your temple just to make that stop?!!?”

I finally let her go and did what I hadn’t done since the news had come back. I broke down. I didn’t cry, I didn’t weep, I sobbed. I let go of her hands and I buried them in my hair, clenching them into fists as the dam that I’d built against this grief and guilt broke, spilling out everything that I’d held back. I let go of my hair and moved my hands, burying my face in them and shaking with sobs even as I counted every floor in my mind’s eye between Miranda’s balcony and the ground.

If we’d had that conversation at Donald’s apartment, I would have jumped. I had no doubt. I wanted to. I felt like I owed it to Miranda in repayment for what I’d done to her. I felt someone put their arms around me and I sobbed harder. I had no words left, nothing but this boiling, grieving guilt in my head that wouldn’t let go. I hated myself and what I’d become. I hated that freedom I was enjoying and the forgiveness that everyone was heaping on me for what I’d done. I hated Miranda for making me a murderer and myself for letting it happen.

I rocked back and forth, poison roiling in my soul. I hadn’t known it was there. I hadn’t felt it in my veins and I knew it was death if I didn’t get it out. I didn’t know how. I couldn’t talk, I couldn’t think all I could do was wail hopelessly. I was broken inside and I wasn’t sure the breaking had finished.

I calmed down some after a while or at least quieted. I was still trembling and sobbing occasionally.

“And you were worried about me?” she whispered softly. I wasn’t sure if she’d meant me to hear or not, but I nodded. “Listen, Matt,” she said, realizing that she had my attention. “You need to get this out. Call your doctor. She needs to know this.”

Slowly, one inch at a time, I clawed my way out of that hole and back onto solid ground. “No,” I croaked. I was going to tell Dr. Spencer about this, but that would come later.

“Yes!” she insisted sharply. “If you don’t deal with this and now, you’ll actually go out to the garage for something to dig that thought out of your head.”

I pulled myself together enough to raise my head. “No!” I said more firmly. “Not until we solve this! Not until you tell me.” My voice was cracking and my throat was threatening to close over, but I raised my head and stared at her with every ounce of resolve that I could manage. My chest felt like someone had hit me in the sternum with a hammer and it hurt to pull in every ounce of air.

“Leave it alone, Matt,” she warned me, shaking her head in horror at what I was asking her.

“No! I won’t! I know you’re in pain. I know you don’t feel like you’re worth it, but you’re worth a hell of a lot more than I am.” My voice still sounded like I’d been punched in the throat and there were tears streaming from my eyes. I still held her with my eyes, daring her to tell me otherwise. If I couldn’t help her, then I didn’t feel like there was any helping me. Whatever had happened to her, I was a murderer. I could feel the blood on my hands, I couldn’t see it, but it was there. I couldn’t wash that stain away, but if I couldn’t help her, I thought I might actually go mad from this.

“Don’t say that,” she begged me. “You’re not a bad person. What you did wasn’t evil, she was. Don’t you EVER forget that! She was going to kill your family. What else could you have done?”

“I DON’T KNOW!!!” I screamed in anguish, my face contorted in torment. “Everyone wants to know that! If I’m so smart, I SHOULD KNOW! I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN WHAT TO DO!” I was shaking and so was she. I couldn’t go on like this. I couldn’t live with this in my head. I was agitated and angry and hurt and a thousand other emotions all rolled into one. I couldn’t cope with this. I just wanted it to stop. I closed my eyes and thought about that drop from the balcony and how calming the wind on my face would be.

I pressed my fists to my forehead, like I was trying to press the thoughts out of my head.

“After my parents divorced, my uncle started sneaking into my room at night,” she told me. “I was eleven. He kept it up until I was fourteen and I had a miscarriage. Then it all came out. He’s still in jail. My aunt went back to Colorado and hasn’t spoken to any of us since. My mother barely talks to me. They blame me for it. My uncle was a good man, a pillar of the community. I can see the blame in their eyes. I blame myself. Maybe it’s stupid, but I can’t stop.”

Suddenly we were both crying. There were no words. We didn’t need any. We sat with our arms around each other, our guilt pouring out of us. I clung to her and I knew that she was clinging to me. This was the thing she’d been waiting for. It was what drove her to Miranda. It was what had made her suspicious of my generosity. Her uncle had been that type of man and had done the most monstrous thing imaginable to her. My tears stopped flowing and I didn’t feel as lost in guilt any more. I felt rage. He’d hurt one of my girls. I put aside my own pain and focused instead on hers.

I smoothed her hair and told her all the things that she should have been told all along. “It’s not your fault,” I said. “You were eleven. He was your uncle. He knew better and he robbed you of your innocence. You did nothing wrong. What he did was rape. He hurt you and hurt you and he’s still hurting you. We’re going to get through this. We’re going to make you understand that you’re not dirty or bad or damaged. You’re loved and valued and good.”

She laughed bitterly, the words ringing hollow in her ears.

“I love you,” I told her firmly and with more conviction than I could convey with words. “I will love you until the day you die which will not be for many decades for either of us.”

She looked up at me, still devastated. “No more thoughts about the balcony?” she asked.

I shook my head. “You need me here,” I told her. “I couldn’t leave you.” We wept bitter tears together. We were both in a lot of pain, but we’d get through it together. We’d be brave in the face of it for each other. I lifted her chin and kissed her softly. It wasn’t a passionate kiss, but a loving one. We were a mess. An unsexier pair, I could not imagine, but she was precious to me and I knew now that I’d kill to protect her. If I saw her uncle, I wouldn’t hesitate to make him an example to other child molesters.

We made our way back home and I took her to our place rather than the Powers house. We’d go there, but first we needed to clean up. There was no way we could erase the fact that we’d been crying, but at least we could wash our faces, blow our noses and get hold of ourselves before facing the family.

“It’s your mother you’ve been living with?” I asked when we were done in the bathroom.

She nodded and I made my decision. “Tomorrow you move in here. We’ll make it work. I don’t want you anywhere near those people again. If they blame you for what happened, they’re not family. They’re a knife in your back. We’re your family now. We’ll never stop loving you and we’ll never abandon you like they have. You’ll stay with us tonight and we’ll get your things tomorrow and Saturday.”

She looked like she wanted to object, but I was having none of it. “We’ll get you a car for the commute. I don’t want those people to have any way to hurt you ever again. You know what’s been tearing me apart. I swear to you if those people hurt you again, I will personally slit every one of their throats for that sin they’ve committed.” I said it with a steel in my voice that I knew made it clear that I meant it. “No one hurts my family. No one. Even if it costs me my soul to keep you all safe.”

She finally nodded and I took her hand, leading her next door. There was Chinese take-out spread across the table and all conversation cut off when we opened the door. They took in the look of us and they got up from the table, food forgotten.

“Are you two okay?” Patty asked as they crowded around us.

“No,” I admitted. “We’re going to be though. We both need to talk to Dr. Spencer tomorrow. I’ll call her after dinner to make the arrangements.” I was calmer than I thought I’d be, but Tabby and I had emptied ourselves at least for the moment and that left the emotional well dry for the moment.

I went to Colette and put my arms around her, hugging her tight. “I’m sorry that I had to take time away from you,” I told her. “Today was supposed to be your day. I promise I’ll make it up to you.”

She hugged me back hard and told me in no uncertain terms that I had nothing to make up to her. Today had been special to her. “I just hope you guys worked everything out.”

“We did. I won’t tell any of you her secrets, but my problems aren’t exactly a mystery. I’m ... I haven’t been dealing with what happened to Miranda as well as I thought. Guilt has been forcing me to think about her death more and more. You’ve all told me that I can’t blame myself for it, but I killed her. I stood in the last spot she stood on this Earth. I held the railing where she would have fought for her life. I stared at the stain on the pavement where she lost that fight. I can’t unsee that. I’m having nightmares where I’m the one going over the balcony. Lately I’ve been having them when I’m awake. When I close my eyes, I see the floors flashing past on my way to the pavement. I feel like as smart as I’m supposed to be, there was a way out for her too and I didn’t WANT to see it. Tabby made me face that, made me see that I was suppressing the guilt. I’ve even had the thought that to make it right, I should follow her path off that balcony. I clearly need a lot more time with Dr. Spencer to deal with things.”

“That’s not all of it,” Tabby said sternly waiting for me to tell them the rest.

I sighed. “No, it’s not,” I agreed. “The thoughts have been getting harder and harder to ignore. Lately I’ve been trying to think of how to get them to stop. I’ll spare you the details,” I shot Tabby a hard look, “but there were some pretty self-destructive solutions rattling around my head. I probably shouldn’t be left alone until I’ve talked to Dr. Spencer a few times and she’s sure I’m on the road to recovery.”

The implications of that were clearly understood around the table and there was an unspoken resolve for everyone to take up the cause.

“We do have one other complication,” I said gently. “It’s not a problem. It’s ... just more quickly than we’d anticipated it happening. Tabby’s coming home. I don’t want her in her current situation another minute. It’s as safe for her there as it is for me to be alone with my thoughts.” I looked at her and let that sink in for a moment before I continued. “That means we’re going to need a larger dresser and I need a book on carpentry so I can start working on a new bed-frame.”

“That will wait until after you talk to Dr. Spencer,” Mom said sharply.

“I agree,” I said. “I can’t be everywhere and do everything, so I need help. We need to get Tabby’s things, get a new dresser to replace mine, go shopping for both girls and get Tabby and I both in to see Dr. Spencer. That has to be first thing tomorrow.”

We returned our attention to dinner, but it was a very subdued affair. The news that I’d delivered along with Tabby’s unspecified emergency was weighing on us all. “I swear, I’m okay,” I said to Lana, who kept shooting me worried glances. “I can hold it together until I can talk to Dr. Spencer. I’ll call her right after dinner and you can all hear me make the appointment.” I turned back to my plate and tried to put the best face on it until I looked up and found that I was surrounded and they wanted more information. “Alright, let’s talk about it then,” I said, resignedly.

I looked around, but no one was speaking. They were afraid. They were afraid that the questions would make it worse, that the answers would be worse than what they imagined. I was going to have to start it. I wanted to talk about it less, not more. I sighed. “When I stood on her balcony and saw where she’d hit the ground ... I thought it would be justice for me to follow her,” I said quietly, starting it. “I know you’ve all said I shouldn’t feel that way, but it’s not that easy. It would be like telling a gay man that he should just stop being attracted to other men. In my head, I know that you think it’s silly for me to feel like this, but I can’t stop it. I killed that woman. I didn’t know her. I never even looked her in the eye. I ended her life without any of that and I owed her better than that. I can’t ever fix it or go back and do it better and part of me says that I’m so smart that I could have found another way. That tells me that I didn’t want to.” I frowned at my plate. “You’ve all said ‘what else could you have done?’ at one point or another, but that’s the point isn’t it? It was on my shoulders and it’s on my soul. We all treat my gift as being miraculous. If I’m really that smart, then I decided on some level that her dying was okay and it’s NOT. I might as well have thrown her off that balcony myself. At least then I’d have been able to look her in the eye, tell her I was sorry, see the look on her face.”

Collie took one of my hands and Tabby took the other as I talked. I’d sat between them tonight by unspoken agreement. “Miranda wasn’t a good person, Matt,” Collie said quietly. “At the time, I needed her a lot more than Tabby did, but she was terrible to us all. She was cruel and thoughtless and selfish and mean. If you had a choice, I’m GLAD you didn’t take it. She was mean to everyone. She took from everyone and gave back as little as possible and once she figured she’d gotten everything she wanted, she’d stop giving even that small bit. She was the kind of awful person that you hope has something bad happen to them at the end of movies. I was with her for over a year and there was nothing good about her.”