Chapter 18

When I woke up, I wasn’t in as much pain, but I felt that was a matter of medication and not circumstance. My eyes drifted open and I could see the predawn light just starting to lighten the sky. I glanced around and smiled, seeing Beck in one chair and Mom in the other. “Hey,” I said quietly, my tongue feeling like old shoe-leather.

They were both smiling and holding my hands. “Water?” I asked, begging for relief. Mom held a cup for me to sip from a bendy straw. When I felt like my mouth was moist enough to talk again, I asked what had happened.

“Which time?” Beck said with a small laugh. “Friday night turned sour after we got home. Mom went ballistic and she was pretty scary. You took off running, bad ankle and all and decided to give a hug to every thorn-bush around Long Pond. I guess while you were running, you ran into a tree. That busted a couple of ribs and caused an unstable heartbeat that made it stop beating through the night. When you finally woke up yesterday morning, you were in so much pain you couldn’t stand it. They had to sedate you and they broke one of the cracked ribs when they were holding you down. It’s a long fucked-up story and there’s plenty of time to tell it. Are you feeling any pain?”

“Some,” I admitted, “but it’s not so bad. I feel like I’ve been awake too long studying for a test, but I still feel like me. That’s an improvement from the last pain-killers.”

“I wouldn’t count on them giving you a bottle of morphine for home use,” Mom said dryly. “I’m glad you’re out of the woods for now Honey. They said you pulled through surgery with flying colors.”

“What did I have surgery for?” I asked. I was aware that I should have been concerned that I’d been through surgery, but it seemed I was coming late to the party this time.

“The broken rib,” she explained. “They had to repair it before it punctured a lung.”

I nodded and asked my next question. I suspected I’d have a lot of them. “What day is it?”

“Early Monday morning. You were here all weekend,” Becky explained. “I know you were probably looking forward to spending the whole weekend in bed without clothes on, but this probably wasn’t what you had in mind.” She giggled and I joined in.

I regretted that decision immediately and trailed off into coughing and sputtering, which made me see stars and my eyes bugged out. “Yup. No laughing,” I confirmed and took a few breaths while the spike in pain faded.

“Do you need the medication increased?” Mom asked me, starting to get up to get a doctor.

“No,” I said quickly. “I have too many questions to start getting loopy yet. Beck said I took off on my bad ankle. How much damage did I do to it?”

“Dr. Spencer said it was surprisingly resilient given the severity of the sprain and how recent it was,” she told me. “Dr. Spencer’s been a godsend yesterday and today. Don’t forget to thank her. I’m going to have to be away for a few hours today, but I suspect you won’t be starved for attention. All four of your girls are waiting their turn to see you and your sister is here too. Patty and Dan will stop in on his way to work to see you. You and Patty have a lot to talk about. Try not to be too hard on her.”

I was confused by that. “Okay,” I said, uncertainly. I was trying to get a handle on the situation and something that Becky had said lined up with what Mom was telling me now. “Can you fill me in on what’s going on? Friday’s kind of a blank. I remember walking to the car with Colette and...” I trailed off, trying to dredge up anything after that, but my mind, which had been near miraculous this past month, failed me. I shook my head. “After that, I remember waking up and speaking to Lana. Then ... pain,” my voice shook on that word, but I moved on quickly. “Then here.”

She nodded and leaned over to kiss my cheek. “That may make things easier, but you need to talk to her today and work everything out.”

I nodded and promised that I would. “Just let me tell the others what I do and don’t remember?” I asked and was thankful that they agreed readily. “So what’s going on today that you’re abandoning me to all this female attention?” I asked, trying to lighten the mood.

“We’re suing the hospital,” Beck said brightly. “The doctor you had before Dr. Spencer fucked up your treatment pretty hard, so your mom is going to talk to a lawyer about it. It’ll be a convenient cover for us having extra money if we’re looking for the silver lining.”

Mom nodded in confirmation. “The previous doctor took you off pain medication in an attempt to force you to wake up. It was inhumane and cruel. The pain you were in before they sedated you was terrible.”

I sighed and nodded in memory. “It was pretty terrible. I’m not gonna lie. It was like all the pain in every part of me was feeding into a bigger pain in my chest and it just kept getting worse. I remember they were pulling on my arms and legs and then someone pushed my chest and I felt something pop. Then someone jabbed me in the leg and it was the strangest sensation. It was like calm flowed out from my leg in all directions.”

“Morphine’s known to do that,” Mom said dryly and then got up to go. “I’ll send Lana in for a bit then we have to go. I’m bringing her to the lawyer’s since she witnessed that incident. Becky, come on. We’ll let some of the others have a turn.”

She nodded and got up, turning to go and I stopped her. “Hey! I don’t get a kiss?” I said indignantly.

She turned back to the bed and grinned, clearly glad that I was feeling up to that much. She was also clearly in a playful mood because she lifted the blanket and started moving to crawl under the blanket head-first.

Mom laughed and reached over me to give Beck a swat on the back of the head. “Save that for when I’m not standing here watching at least,” she scolded her. We all grinned and Beck gave me a deep kiss, slipping her tongue out to play with mine.

“Thank God that didn’t get injured in the process,” she said when we broke the kiss and I was able to manage a soft chuckle without too much pain.

When they left, they were replaced by Lana and Colette. They were both as enthusiastic about seeing me awake as Beck had been. After a few minutes of talking about how things had unfolded, I told them I really didn’t remember anything from Friday night after the walk to the car after dinner.

“Well, that’ll be a relief to mother,” Lana said. “Honestly though, you’re not missing much that you’ll want back.”

“You never know. Colette and I might have stopped along the way for mind-blowing sex and I’d never know it happened,” I teased back. “Don’t mention to anyone that I’ve got a gap in that night though. I’ll tell everyone on my own.”

They agreed and we talked for a few more minutes, then Lana bit her lip. “I’ve gotta go with Charlotte to see the lawyer today,” she said. “I’d rather stay here with you.”

“Go,” I told her making my voice as firm as I could. “I’m not going anywhere and you can do more for our family by talking there for a few hours. I’ll probably be napping on and off through the morning anyway, so you’d be mostly missing on me drooling in my sleep. You get to see that all the time.” I smiled and told her to kiss me and I’d see her when she got back.

She nodded and we shared a deep, passionate kiss. I turned to Colette and beckoned her closer for the same. She leaned in obediently and kissed me with a hunger that surprised me.

I repeated the conversation again with Lilly and Tabitha. Lilly gave me a peck on the cheek and I looked at her seriously. “Sorry about everything, Blue,” I said to her softly.

“Why are you sorry?” she asked, surprised.

“Things seem to end up revolving around me lately and Mom’s had to take a lot of time to concentrate on me. That hasn’t left a lot of time for you.”

“Are you kidding? That’s the best thing to ever happen to me. I pretty much do what I want, I have way more freedom, get to stay out later, get to stay over with my friends more and I get to pick on you almost every day because you do something stupid. Keep up the good work. I’ll be able to write a book by the time I’m ready to go to college.”

“And I’ll buy you the crayons you’ll need to write it,” I said dryly, trying not to laugh.

We were chatting when there was a tap on the door and Mom poked her head in. “Dan and Patty are here,” she told me.

Lilly and Tabitha said their goodbyes and I got another deep kiss while Lilly rolled her eyes.

A few minutes later, the door clicked open and Dan and Patty joined me. I smiled at both of them when they sat down. “I guess I’ve kind of looked better, huh?” I asked, breaking the ice.

“Well you’ve certainly looked worse,” Dan allowed generously. “I’ll give your regrets to the trainers today.”

“Don’t give them my regrets,” I shook my head. “Give them my thanks. I’m told that my ankle held up pretty well for the running they said I did. I don’t really remember Friday night after the restaurant. I got filled in on what happened, but none of it rings any bells.”

“That’s probably for the best, son,” he said and clapped me very carefully on the shoulder. “I’ve got to go, but Patty’s going to sit with you for a while and then I’ll come back after work to check on you.”

“Okay. I was supposed to go for some x-rays today. Can you let the team doctor know what happened so he can call and cancel the appointment. He should be able to talk to Dr. Spencer here for the info on my condition.”

He nodded and then patted my shoulder again and told me he’d see me this afternoon. Then he kissed Patty and a look passed between them before he left.

She’d been quiet the entire time, but instead of filing out of the room, she sat facing me and took my hand carefully. I noticed it was bandaged and figured I’d cut it up running through the bushes.

“How’re you doing, Mamma,” I asked affectionately and she broke down.

It was difficult for me, but I managed to pull her up over me so that I could hug her. I’d been told what had happened, but in general terms. I could see the scars of whatever had happened in her eyes. She put her arms around me and despite her attempts to be gentle, it hurt like hell. Still, I let her cry herself out. I knew what it felt like to need that and once she was done, we’d talk more.

She calmed slowly and I let her stay there until she was ready to sit back again. She disengaged and reached for a box of tissues. While she dried her eyes, I breathed a sigh of relief and tried to get the pained look off my face.

She sat and I held my hand out for hers. She took it gently, thanked me for letting her cry and apologized for making a mess of things.

“I’ve been told that something happened and that I ran off afterwards, but I haven’t gotten into any depth with anyone and I can’t remember it,” I told her.

She nodded and sighed. “I screamed at you about the two new girls. I ... I was out of control. I flew off the handle, and it even scared me. I grabbed hold of you and if Dan hadn’t pulled me off of you, I don’t know what I would have done.” We sat quietly for a few minutes and I gave her hand a comforting squeeze.

“It was a pretty big decision for me to make. I guess I owe you an explanation.”

She looked up in shock. “No!,” she said. “You don’t owe me anything. I owe YOU an explanation.”

I searched her eyes and finally I nodded. “Okay, but let me tell you mine first. It must have bothered you on some level even if there’s more to it.” I frowned and ordered my thoughts, suddenly glad that she’d hugged me. The pain chased away the fog a little.

“They belonged to Miranda. I assume that’s what set off the fight. I talked to Donald about it and he said that one of them was in dire need of someone to replace Miranda. That her life was unraveling without that anchor-point. I wasn’t sure I could do what he asked me, but I’d ... I’d taken from them, hurt them without ever even seeing their faces.”

I stopped and took a few breaths. This part had weighed heavily on my decision. “I killed Miranda,” I said shakily. “I didn’t see any other way out and I wasn’t the one who threw her off the balcony, but I made that happen. It was MY fault. I can’t take it back and I can’t make it better. When she died, she left behind those two who were depending on her. When Donald told me how they were suffering ... I’d been too responsible for too much. I couldn’t turn my back on them. I couldn’t live with myself if I had. I had to find some way to help them.”

I felt a tear rolling down my cheek and ignored it for now. “So I told Donald to send me whatever information he had on them so I could get to know them. Beck and Lana saw the pictures and decided that they wanted them too. It was their idea to take them in permanently, so I decided that if they wanted it, I’d take them in.”

“We were going to dinner and I told Donald to make us a reservation and we’d talk about it over dinner. Colette needs this lifestyle at least for now. Like Donald, it’s not a game for her. I don’t know if that’s something Miranda did or if she’d always wanted it and Miranda just unlocked that door. Tabitha enjoys it, but she can live without it, I think. Both of the girls decided that they were interested though. I know I was thankful for that. I needed to help those girls after how much I’d robbed them of. I’m responsible for them because of that.” I paused and drew a ragged breath. “I don’t know if I explained all that to you, but it’s something you deserved to know.”

She held my hand for a long time and I swiped at my eyes with my free hand. “That still bothers you, doesn’t it?” she asked. “You feel guilty about Miranda.”

“I failed. If I’d been smart enough, no one had to die. I worry that I did it on purpose on some level, that I ignored an option that would have helped find a way out for everyone. Everyone was counting on me and I could only give 90% instead of 100%.”

“That’s not failure, Matt. You planned it out, made it work and everyone important to you is still alive and safe. That’s way more than we had a reason to hope for. You need to give yourself a break,” she told me and I shrugged halfheartedly. She understood. “Yeah, not as easy to do it as it is to say it, huh?” I nodded and she pointed out one other thing for me to think about. “It’s also a lot easier to let someone else off the hook than it is to let yourself off the hook.”

That got a more emphatic nod. “Alright, I’ll give it a try. What about you? Are you going to let yourself off the hook or do we start from the beginning?”

She sighed and patted my hand before starting. “It’s hard for me to talk about. I ranted about those girls, but they were only a symptom. I was angry that you’d taken other girls, but I would have been as angry about anyone else really. I was angry that they were in for what Lana and Becky have both experienced and that ... I wasn’t. I’ve seen what you can do for both my girls. That’s the kind of sex that women talk about in hushed whispers, but it’s always someones’ friend’s cousin who had it. That kind of sex is like a legend. I saw both of my girls getting it and when I found out that two new girls were lined up for it, I turned jealous.”

She looked down at our hands and she was ashamed of what she’d just admitted. “Lana said that you were overcome with lust the night you watched Beck and I,” I said softly. “It was longer than that though, wasn’t it?”

She nodded. “That day that you told me that you’d made Lana cum just by kissing her hand. It started then. I wondered if you could do that for anyone or if it was just her. That thought turned into an obsession. When Charlotte called me and I heard you and Lana together that next time, I was practically drunk with the lust. If I’d been there that night, I’d have been in bed with you in a heartbeat and I wouldn’t have cared about the consequences until it was too late. When you were fucking Becky ... I didn’t need to check on you. I wanted to see it. I can’t even describe it. It was like watching the perfect storm. The way you moved together, the things you had her saying, the screams that came from you when you came together.”

She stopped and shivered. “It was perfect, beautiful, filthy and so erotic that it was scary. I was so turned on, I was wet to my knees. I wanted to get into the shower with you, to get my hands on you myself. I just barely got out of there and went upstairs, but I’d opened Pandora’s box. It ate away at me. Could you make anyone feel that way or was it special with my girls. Either answer gave me some hope that you could do the same for me and that scared me. I love Dan. I knew that my willpower wasn’t strong enough to keep my hands off you and I knew it would be a disaster. It would ruin you, me, Dan, Lana and Becky. We’d all be torn apart. I was sure of it. I also wanted it. If that was the price I had to pay to be that girl so satisfied that she’s heaped unconscious in your bed, I was increasingly willing to pay it.”

She paused and shook her head. “I was ashamed of that thought. I still am. When you told us that there were two more girls that were going to be welcome in your bed ... I saw red. It was like I was standing outside myself watching this madwoman say things with my voice and do things with my hands that horrified me. Afterwards, I felt terrible, but I also felt relieved. You’d never want me after that. I’d managed to make you close the door I wasn’t strong enough to move. When Lana told me that you were hurt, it felt like a knife in my chest. I didn’t want that.”

I gave her hand a comforting squeeze and she returned it, neither of us talking just yet. Finally she was able to continue. “When Lana and Becky came home from the hospital yesterday, they came to see us. Everyone had tried to get me to talk about it, to tell them what had sparked it. Lana though, she walked in the door and announced that you’d died in the hospital.”

“She what?!!?” I said, shocked that she’d do that.

“Your heart stopped and you stopped breathing. She’s technically right and she says that she’ll never think of it any other way. The point is that she walked in and said that you’d died in the hospital. Then she told us that the doctors had been able to bring you back and that we were lucky. She told me that we wouldn’t be so lucky next time and told me that I needed to say it out loud. She knew. I didn’t know how, but she knew what I was hiding, knew that it was what had made me lash out at you. She told me that it had to be me who said it in order to be free of it.”

Her fingers were gentle as she fussed with my hand, giving herself a moment and I let her set her own pace.

“So I told them. Lana and Becky and Dan. I told them everything. How I’d wanted you, how it had turned to poison inside me. How I was ashamed at what I wanted to do to my marriage, to my children, to you. I poured it all out and then Lana confirmed that she knew, she said you knew too and put a stop to her talking about it. She said Becky even brought up that your parents had just divorced over the exact same thing. Everyone had known and dealt with it better than I did. You three just talked about it the next morning and closed the topic. I still had it burning inside me. I wanted it out, but I knew that once it was out, it would burn our lives to the ground.”

“That’s not the whole truth,” I said quietly. I felt like there was something else in the mix.

“What do you mean?” she asked, surprised.

“You said it would ‘burn our lives to the ground’, but you weren’t certain of that and you still aren’t. You see the girls accepting other women with open arms and there’s a part of you that you haven’t admitted to that wonders if they would do the same for you. It terrifies you because if they can’t, then you feel like you’d have sacrificed your relationships with them and Dan on a long-shot that didn’t pay out and if they do, you worry that Dan will end up like Donald: lost and adrift. You love Dan and don’t want to hurt him. It’s the sex that you want from me, not a future. He’s who you want a future with.”

She slumped in the chair and stared at the floor, but eventually nodded. “Yeah. I love you like a son, but the things you can do for the girls is beyond imagining. I know no matter what, I’ll have to live with regrets and disappointments.”

“A choice between sacrificing the experience of a lifetime for a lifetime of experiences, or sacrificing a lifetime of experiences for an experience of a lifetime,” I said, expressing what she was talking about.

“Exactly. No matter what I do, I make the right choice and give up something amazing at the same time. They’re balanced perfectly against each other and it drove me insane.”

“I understand,” I said gently. “What’s Dan have to say about all this? He must have an opinion.”

She nodded again. “He says he’ll love me no matter what. There’s a lot more to it, but that’s something that we can talk about later when he’s here. I’ve already given you a lot to think about and I’ve monopolized too much of your time. The others are going to want to spend some time too.” She rose to go and then leaned over, pressing her lips to my forehead. “Get well, Champ,” she said, using the nickname she’d used for me as long as I could remember and I smiled. We were going to be okay. Maybe not right away, but we’d get there.

She slipped out and the rest of the girls took turns throughout the day sitting to talk with me. Mid afternoon, Collie and Tabby said their goodbyes and went home. They each had summer jobs that they couldn’t neglect and that left only Lilly, Beck and Patty for a little while until Lana and my mother returned.