Chapter 11

“Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!” I chanted, practically lunging for the phone. I dialed Lilly’s number and listened to it ring before going to voice-mail. I swore again and waited for the beep so I could record a message. “Lilly, it’s Matt. It’s 2:30. Call me! I just woke up and you girls aren’t home yet! I’m worried sick. Seriously, I need to know you’re all okay.”

Next I called Lana’s line and silently begged her to pick up. I felt like I was going to throw up and I left the same frantic message on her voice-mail before dropping onto the couch and clutching the phone in my hand powerlessly. I knew I needed to wake Mom and that every minute counted. I dropped the phone into the pocket of my robe and climbed the stairs, checking Lilly’s room and what used to be mine even though I knew they’d be empty.

I knocked on Mom’s door and called to her as gently as I could. I waited a moment and opened the door, “Mom?” I said, a little more loudly and turned on the light reluctantly.

In the mid-summer heat, she’d slept on top of the blanket and she was completely naked. Under other circumstances, I would have stopped to admire the sight. I’m sure it was majestic, but in that moment, she could have been wearing any outfit under the sun and I wouldn’t have noticed.

She woke confused, blinking and squinting at the light. “Matt? What’s wrong?”

“It’s 2:30 and the girls aren’t home. I can’t reach them by phone. They just ring forever and go to voice-mail. I’m worried sick about them.”

She was awake in a flash, pulling on clothes and telling me to get dressed, suddenly all business.

I scrambled back down to my room, nearly breaking my neck in my haste to get ready. I threw on a pair of shorts and a shirt and was back upstairs in something approaching a normal time. I’d even remembered to get the phone from my robe, keeping a death-grip on it like it was a life-line to the girls.

My mind was on overdrive, adrenaline slamming through my brain as I silently begged God or the Universe or whoever controlled such things for all three of my girls to be safe.

Mom had her laptop open and was looking at a map page when I got back to the kitchen. “They’re moving,” she told me. “Lilly’s phone has a GPS. They’re nearly home. They probably went out to have coffee after the movie and lost track of time. You did the right thing waking me though. I’m furious at them for being this late.”

“I’m just glad they’re safe,” I said weakly. I told her about the incident at the beach and what had happened to Lana’s friend. “I thought ... I worried...” I couldn’t finish, but she understood and nodded, looking at the blip on the map. “I think I need the bathroom!” I said suddenly, my stomach and my head spinning and I turned for the stairs, clamping my jaws shut and praying I could make it that far.

I managed to get to the bottom of the stairs without killing myself and when I made it to the bathroom, I flung my crutches aside and dropped to my knees, throwing up everything I’d ever eaten. I heaved until I was empty and then I heaved till I thought I was going to die. My eyes were streaming and I could feel bile burning in my sinuses as snot bubbled at my nose. I groaned and clutched the edge of the toilet hard enough to make my fingers ache.

There were voices coming from upstairs now and I was hit by a new wave of nausea. I heaved and choked as my stomach tried to rebel against food that it had already rejected. I was a hot mess and I couldn’t even get to my feet to clean up while my whole body was hunching reflexively over the bowl.

I was frozen and I shook all over, knowing that I was going into shock from the burned off adrenaline.

I wanted to collapse onto the floor and stay there, but something finally made me pull myself up to my knees proper. I flushed the toilet and reached for the sink, pulling myself up to stand on one foot. I washed my mouth out and then did it again before hopping over to get a cloth from the linen closet to wipe off my face and try to get myself under control. I was still shaking like a leaf, the fear still gripping me. I lowered my head and realized that there was too much fear in my life right now.

Things with Miranda and Donald had me in a state of high anxiety. I was having nightmares almost constantly and I wasn’t sleeping right unless I was so exhausted that I was on the verge of collapse. Even tonight, my sleep had been interrupted by dreams twice. Part of me was afraid that I was suddenly going to lose Lana and Becky. I was extremely lucky to have them and I was acutely aware that luck often ran out when it was most damaging. I splashed cold water on my face and hot water on my hands to try to stabilize myself before I went upstairs.

Reluctantly I fumbled my crutches from opposite corners where I’d thrown them in my haste to reach the toilet and paused to get hold of myself before I took a deep breath and climbed the stairs slowly.

I didn’t hear any voices right now, but that couldn’t mean anything pleasant. I came into the living room and the three of them were sitting on the couch side by side, looking frightened and miserable. When Lana looked up at me, she looked like she wanted to cry.

Mom looked at me and her face was a thunder-head of fury. She turned back to the girls. “Lilly,” she said sternly, “I want you to take out your phone and put it on speaker. I want you to play the message Matthew left for you a half hour ago.”

She looked scared, but she did it. We all listened as I pleaded with her to call me, my panic clear. When the message was done, my mother told her to save it. “That’s a gentle reminder of what you put the two of us through tonight. Lana, I believe there’s a similar learning experience waiting on your messages. Let’s listen to it.”

Lana nodded and played the message, tears running down her face as she listened to my message, realizing what she’d put me through.

“When Matt couldn’t reach either of you, he came and woke me for help. He told me about what happened at the beach and about what had happened to your friend. Can you imagine what was running through his mind?” Lana was rocking back and forth and nodding while she cried, red-faced. “After all that, when I was able to access the GPS in Lilly’s phone and told him you were almost home, the first thing he said was that he was grateful you were all safe. Then he had to excuse himself because he was literally worried sick.”

She hadn’t raised her voice, but kept it firmly in control as she swept a disgusted gaze over the three of them. “Now, which of you wants to explain to Matthew and I why he wasn’t able to reach either phone and why you were hours late getting back from the movie?”

It was Becky that spoke up. “They make you turn off your phone in the theater,” she said simply. “I guess they forgot to turn them back off of silent. Everyone wanted to go get something to eat after the movie, so we went over to the diner up near the theater. They’re open late and we lost track of time. We’re sorry. We were just all talking and never thought to look at the time till we got back in the car and saw the clock on the dash.”

I wasn’t comfortable with the role I was taking in all this. I felt guilty about getting them caught. If I’d been asleep a little longer or if I hadn’t panicked, they’d have been able to skate with a much less knife-twisting lecture from me. As it was, I felt that they were going to be suffering way out of proportion to what they’d inflicted.

“Girls, go to your rooms,” I said, deciding to try to head this off before Mom decided to put a full tank of gas in the Old Testament and get the pulpit up to full boil. “Mom and I need to discuss this evening in more detail and decide where we go from here.”

The three of them looked at me and each of them got up and went to their rooms. Becky stopped and put her arms around Mom and told her she was sorry before doing the same to me and then filing out of the room. Lilly repeated the gesture and climbed the stairs, but Lana had lingered behind.

“It’s my fault,” she croaked through tears. “I’m the one that was driving. I should have kept an eye on the time. Please go easy on them. I’m the one that was supposed to be taking care of them.”

“We’ll certainly take that into consideration,” I told her, the shock making me sound more detached to my ears. “For now, go get ready for bed. I’ll be down when I’ve spoken to Mom.”

She nodded and came to hug us. She wept against my shoulder bitterly, the worry she’d put on me knifing her through the heart.

I put my arms around her and told her I loved her and sent her to bed.

Mom waited until she was downstairs before speaking. “Taking charge, Mr. Man-of-the-House?” she asked with an arched eyebrow.

I went to drop onto the couch where the girls were and slumped, utterly spent. “I could feel the waves of fire and brimstone coming off you and I didn’t think I could stay upright much longer,” I told her at least partially truthfully. “I think you’ve already made them wish they’d never been born. Lana’s devastated. Your trust is important to her and because of a stupid mistake, she isn’t sure whether she’s going to get to stay here or be sent home to explain to Mamma why she’s going to be moving back into her old room.”

“Got that all out of a few tears, did you?” she asked with a slight edge to her voice because of the fire and brimstone comment.

I shook my head. “Lana’s a sweet girl. She’s got a feisty side and a mischievous streak, but not a mean bone in her body and despite me worshiping her for years, she’s a little insecure about some things. You notice that it was Becky who spoke up? Not Lilly who had a phone that shouldn’t have been on mute, not Lana who was driving, Becky who wasn’t driving and wasn’t responsible for turning on a phone. She jumped right in and planted herself at as much fault as the others.”

She nodded and crossed her arms, waiting for me to continue.

“Lana sat there in utter despair because she knew that she was responsible for making sure the other two got home before curfew was up. Becky stepped up, but Lana waited until the others went to bed to try to take that responsibility back onto herself. She did that to keep the others from objecting. The three of them acted like sisters. They treated Lilly like she was one of them. Each of them tried to attract more responsibility onto themselves. Lilly can be forgiven for not trying to step in front of the bullet since she’s the youngest.”

Again, my mother nodded. “So talk it out. We both agree that they’ve bonded. Now what do we do about their punishment?”

“‘We’? I repeated questioningly.

“We,” she said firmly. “It was you that realized they were missing and it was you that they put in a panic deep enough to make you need to throw up. You get some input here.”

I sat and thought about it, uncomfortably reminded of how my father had ceded control of our relationship to me and my suspicion that my mother was on the cusp of something similar if I gave her the inkling. “Alright. Lilly and Becky should be assigned all the house chores for the week. Becky has baseball on Tuesdays and Thursdays, but other than that, both girls should be around here or next door to take care of whatever chores you or Mamma throw at them.”

She nodded, apparently agreeing. “And Lana?”

“I’m not done with Lilly and Becky yet.” Their punishment should be over on Saturday once Lilly’s party is set up. You probably expected me to suggest canceling it, but as much as I’m not looking forward to it, it would be over-reacting to make her cancel it. They put us through about an hour of misery. A week of chores is plenty of time to think about what they’ve done.”

I paused and thought about Lana for a long moment. “Lana’s tricky. Like I said, she’s more fragile than Becky in some ways. In a lot of ways, she’s stronger than I can imagine, but she feels like she’s in a vulnerable position here. Stress her too hard and she may fracture. Neither of us wants that. I honestly don’t think we could make her feel worse than she felt when she heard those voice-mail messages and had you tell her what had been running through my head when I couldn’t reach them.”

She nodded. “I’ll talk with Patty in the morning and see what she has to say,” she assured me.

“One thing,” I said. “You can absolutely not use sending her back next door for a punishment. If you do, she’ll never, ever feel at home in this house and that would be a cruelty I couldn’t stomach.”

“I wouldn’t suggest it,” she agreed. “I think you’re on a good track with Becky and Lilly and you know Lana well enough to know what would be a disaster for her.”

“Well, like I said, I think she’s in such a state that any punishment we mete out will be a relief for her. Maybe taking her keys for the week. That limits her mobility and puts her around the house to help out as you need it.”

“A good idea, but now you need to go to bed. You’re exhausted.” She stood up and motioned me to the stairs.

I nodded and worked my way down them slowly, taking my time since I was so wiped out. I used the bathroom and brushed my teeth to try to scour away the worst of the taste in my mouth before I returned to my room. The light was on and they were still awake waiting for me, both of them looking ashamed of what they’d done tonight.

“We’ll talk about it in the morning,” I assured them as I got undressed. “Right now all you need to know is that I love you both and I’m so glad you’re okay.” I crawled into bed and settled in the middle as I normally did. Becky turned off the light and both girls clutched me tightly like they were afraid I might send them away.

Despite how tired I was, sleep was not easy to come by. When it did, I had nightmares about not being able to find the girls. I was pushing through the crowd at a party, trying frantically to find them. I could hear them screaming for me and no one else seemed to notice, laughing and talking and dancing and making out. I shoved my way through the crowd and flung doors open, but they were always somewhere else.

I finally woke from fitful sleep as I felt the bed shift. I was grateful for the respite from the terror I’d felt in the dream. Lana slipped out of bed in the dark and started moving around, carefully. Whether she was trying to avoid making noise or worrying about running into something in the dark, I didn’t know.

I heard her open a drawer and the rustle of clothing, then another drawer and more rustling. It was too much for her to be getting dressed and I frowned. I put my hand over Becky’s mouth and squeezed her to wake her gently. “Lamp,” I whispered to her and felt her nod.

I released her and sat up, turning in the direction of the dresser as the room flared before my eyes in the sudden light.

Lana jumped as if she’d been electrocuted. She was on her knees emptying the drawers into a tote-bag and she still looked miserable. She was crying softly and lowered her head, hiding her face behind her hair.

I decided to start with something simple. “Did you sleep at all?” I asked and she shook her head mutely. “Is that why you’re leaving?”

She sobbed, the first sound she’d made since I woke and her whole body shook with it. “You’re gonna send me away!” she wailed miserably.

I slid off the bed awkwardly and went to her. I slipped my arms around her and she tried to push me away. I pulled her to me more firmly and held her while she cried inconsolably against my chest.

“No one is sending you away,” I told her firmly. “The only one who thought that was you. I’m telling you that this is where you belong. Last night you made a mistake. You fucked up. We all do it. I did it when I took off on my bike in a blind rage. You did it last night and you very nearly did it today. If we hadn’t woken in time to stop you, we would have found your clothes gone and no explanation. None of us want you gone. That would have hurt us a lot, all of us.”

She cried harder for a long time and I held her while she did, murmuring that I loved her over and over. Becky came to join us and put her arms around us both. She was crying a little too, but not nearly as bad as Lana was. She was upset. Lana was crushed.

It seemed to take forever, but she was finally calmed down enough to talk. The three of us got back into bed and I pulled both of my girls close to me, hugging them tightly. “I love you both. When I woke up last night and you weren’t home, I knew something was wrong. I went upstairs to see if your car was in the driveway. I thought that maybe you’d come home and not wanted to disturb my sleep. When I saw the car was still missing, I thought the worst. I called your phones and there was nothing. I worried that you might have been in an accident or that you might have run into those guys from the beach again or someone worse. When I didn’t get a call back, I woke Mom.”

“We got dressed and by the time I was back upstairs, she had you located. Lilly’s phone has GPS that Mom can track from the computer. If you guys had been anywhere else but on the way home, we were going to go search for you.”

Lana looked like she wanted to cry again. This had cut her to the core and I needed to push through the worst of last night to get her out the other side. I had no idea what I was doing, but I’d tap-danced through a lot of mine fields lately and still had all my toes. That was something.