Chapter 12: Coming to Grips

My afternoon with Bruce Wayne was not filled with messages flashing in the sky or madcap car chases. His Batmobile was an old Fiat and he drove like a little old lady. I was pretty thankful for that. We went over to the West Bank and had a burger and a milkshake while we talked about life.

“I really admire you for managing a full time job, a family, and an education all at once,” Bruce said. “I barely keep up with one thing at a time.”

“I just had to get my priorities straight,” I said. “And I have Lily. This is a rare opportunity to socialize, even if we are supposed to be discussing my class.”

“Um ... Do you object that I used that as an excuse to see you? I mean, setting your schedule could have been done over the phone in about ten minutes if I could have reached you. But ... Well, I just decided to take advantage of the situation to actually see you,” he said. “I’m not a rich guy. I’m paying for all my expenses here with my teaching assistantship. But, if you were willing, I’d like to take you out sometime. On a real date. Maybe a show at Rarig Center. I know a lot of people there because I’m actually a theatre major.”

“I guess. I’d like to see a show, but I’d have to make sure Lily was okay with it,” I said. What was I going to do about that? Lily slept with me. Why didn’t I just tell him I’m not available?

“If she’s not available to watch the baby, we’ll choose something that we can take Emily along for. I’ve heard most babies sleep through movies.”

“Thanks. I’ll ... talk to Lily. It’s five. Could you drop me off at my office so I can see if anyone got an offer today? I hate to ask for a lift and all, but it would take me an hour to get there by bus on a Saturday.”

“Hey, it’s not a problem,” he said brightly. I paid for my own burger and shake. I kept telling myself this wasn’t really a date; we just needed to discuss my schedule and did it over a...

Oh, fuck. If this wasn’t a date, what was?

“You’re home early,” Lily said by greeting. “Emily and I were just getting ready to watch The Golden Girls. That’s a good lesbian show.”

“It’s not. Don’t fill her little head with such nonsense.”

“I fill her head; she fills her diaper. Garbage in, garbage out. Now tell me about your date,” Lily said, handing my daughter to me. I pulled down my bra and Emily latched on to my right nipple. I sighed with relief as the milk started to flow. So good. “If she falls asleep before you’re empty, I’ll help,” Lily said. “I mean I’ll get the breast pump ready. It wasn’t that long ago that she ate.”

“I know what you meant, Lil. It wasn’t a date. You don’t have to worry. I want you to suck on my nipples. And I want to suck on yours. I don’t care if they don’t have milk in them.”

“I don’t know why I fell in love with you,” she sighed. “Listen, I know you aren’t a lesbian. I know you are only a little bi,” Lily said. She sniffed. Oh, no. She was crying. “I’m just so selfish that I let you do things with me that you don’t really want to do because I love them so much. You need a guy and I’m not a guy and I’ll never be a guy. I just love you.”

“Lily, please. Let me put Emily in her crib. She wasn’t really very hungry. And I need to hold you.”

Emily was already sound asleep. She’d need her diaper changed or something in half an hour, but right now I needed to be with Lily. I knew I did. When I returned to the living room, she had the TV on and Bea Arthur was saying something caustic to Betty White.

“See? That’s us in fifty years,” I laughed.

“Before I get mad, which one am I?”

“You choose.”

“I’ll be Bea. If I can’t have sex, I’ll be sarcastic.”

“That’s a good start. Honey, you can have sex,” I said. “I love you. I didn’t know it was possible to love a woman like I love you. I’ll be whatever you need. Whatever you want.”

“I want so desperately to believe you,” Lily said. “But how long could that last? How long could we remain together with me knowing you only do it because I want you to? How long before you hate me because I represent something you hate?”

“I don’t hate it. Exactly,” I said. Oh, fuck. “It’s just that ... When you lick me—which I love, by the way—you get turned on. I know. I’ve felt you. I’ve tasted you. It excites you even more than it excites me, and I never had stronger orgasms. You are an attentive lover and you love it. When I lick you ... Well, there’s nothing particularly wrong with it. I love you. But it doesn’t do anything for me. I end up just as dry at the finish as at the start.”

“And when I’m doing you ... Do you think about me? Or do you think about Allen?”

“Um...” Damn! I shouldn’t have hesitated.

“That’s what I thought. You can’t hide the fact that you want a man. Your hungry little twat wants a hunk of male pumping his come into you.”

“That sounds so gross, Lily.”

“I meant it to. But you can’t deny that’s what you want. I could see your eyes light up as soon as you saw Bruce. You were flirting with him before I even got out of there with Emily.”

“Damn it! I didn’t mean to. I’m sorry!”

I was getting pretty upset. I loved her. Why couldn’t she just leave it at that? She’d shown me what gentle caring love was like. I’d lived another whole fucking life and never knew that. I could learn to love licking her and if I didn’t love it, it was a small price to pay.

But what was worse was that she was right. I did fantasize about Allen mounting and plunging into me when she was licking me. I did flirt with Bruce. I did want a man. Fuckfuckfuck!

“I’m a fucking time bomb and everybody’s going to get hurt,” I sobbed.

“It hurts,” she whispered as she wrapped me in her arms. “It hurts, but we’ll get through it because we love each other. Let’s go to bed. We don’t have to do anything. Not that I’m going to turn you away, because I can’t. But I’m not going to hold you back from finding your happily ever after, either. Just please don’t cut me out of your life. I love you. And I love Emily.”