Chapter 1: How to F* Up Your Life

I gathered all the papers on the table in front of me and pushed them into the envelope. That was everything. The divorce was final. The house was sold. My will was updated. Even my special instructions for disposition of my ashes and prepaid account with the Neptune Society. There were copies of my most recent bank and IRA statements, my insurance policy, and a sealed envelope with all my account names, numbers, addresses, and passwords. The contract and key to my storage cubicle were there. The little bit that I owned that I wasn’t ready to part with or that I thought my daughter might actually want one day, was in the five by five storage unit. I was free. I pushed the envelope across the table to my daughter.

“I don’t want this,” she said. “It’s like you’re planning to die.” Tears dripped down her cheeks.

“No, sweetheart, I’m planning to live. I’m going to travel—see the world. Start over. You are grown up, now. You’ve got a life of your own. I’m single and don’t need to be tied to one place. Especially here. I’m still young. I might meet someone and live happily ever after,” I laughed. “I’ve earned it. Pick someplace you’d like to visit and I’ll go there. And I don’t expect you to have that envelope sitting on your desk or to sleep with it under your pillow. I’ve already rented a safe deposit box at the bank. Let’s go get your name on it and put this away for safekeeping.”

I smiled and hugged my daughter. She’d been the rock of my world for twenty-four years. Sometimes the thorn in my side. I wouldn’t trade her for anything. She’d done better with her life at this age than I had. When I was twenty-four I had a seven-year-old child and a loveless marriage I’d been forced into.

We finished the banking business and she walked with me to our cars. Almost identical new Priuses. That had been part of the divorce settlement. We took the price of three new cars off the top of the funds we got from selling the house. I was ready to go.

“Where are you going to go?”

“First star to the left and straight on till morning,” I laughed. “Don’t worry. I’ll call you from wherever I end up tonight and keep you posted every day. I know you prefer text messages, but I won’t be able to stop and answer them when I’m driving. So call. I can talk through that speaker thing.”

“Bluetooth.”

“I know what it’s called. And thanks to you synchronizing my phone, it should be no problem. And don’t forget, there’s Facebook. I’ve always posted stuff there and will upload pictures, too.”

“I love you.”

“I love you, too, honey. Now, you’d better get to your job and I’d better hit the road.”

After three days on the road, I was finally in California. I’m not sure why I chose the Golden State other than the idea of sunshine, beaches, and being 2,000 miles from Fargo Fucking North Dakota seemed like a good combination. Besides, my little Willa was likely to come and visit me here. If I sent her a ticket. It would be a lot cheaper if she drove her new little Prius. I loved getting fifty miles per gallon!

Even adding fifty dollars a night for hotel rooms, it was cheaper than flying.

And speaking of a hotel, I was going for something special. I checked my GPS for instructions and drove up to the fancy place I’d chosen. When I got out of the car, I could hear the ocean. A valet and bellman rushed to me. I had the bellman take my suitcase out of the back and I handed the key fob to the valet. I handed my driver’s license and credit card to the desk clerk. She smiled broadly at me and pulled up my reservation.

“One week, ocean side king room. Non-smoking.”

“Yes. Thank you.” She handed me the keycard and explained where my room was.

“You are all checked in. I hope you find everything to your liking,” she said. “Let me know if there is anything you need ... or want.” Oh, my! Was she flirting with me? California was going to take some getting used to.

The bellman insisted that he carry my bag. I could have tipped him there and just taken it, but I let him conduct me to my room, pointing out where breakfast would be served in the morning. He rushed into the room and opened the drapes onto my balcony overlooking the beach. I handed him ten dollars and thanked him. For Pete’s sake! It was only one little bag. He left. California could be expensive, too.

I looked out that hotel window onto paradise. There was more eye candy on the beach than I’d ever seen in one place at one time. I hurriedly changed to swimwear and flip-flops and headed out to survey the terrain.

I was a little self-conscious. The average beach goer seemed to be about my daughter’s age. I had second thoughts about inviting her out to visit me. I got a few long looks, so I guess I’m still holding together pretty well. Face it. I’m more than a few pounds overweight. They probably couldn’t believe I’d invaded their holy land. I snagged a waiter and ordered a Long Island Iced Tea. So smooth. I poked myself in the eye with the straw when I started to drink it. Oops. Guess you are supposed to sip it. I wasn’t about to leave my beach chair and expose myself to the sun until I’d finished the first one and ordered the second. I’d lived in the sunless north for forty-two years. Tomorrow, I was certain I’d look like a boiled lobster. What the hell. While I was waiting for my drink, I headed down to the water, waded out a ways and dove in.

The Pacific is not that cold.

Ha! I was pretty sure that I was going to die before I surfaced. My ex would love that! I came up gasping and shaking my head. A Frisbee landed in the water about five feet from me and some guys started waving at me frantically. I scooped it up and sent it back to them, pleased that I got it most of the way there. Would have made it all the way if the wind hadn’t picked it up. Well, they found it anyway. By that time, I was back to my beach chair and umbrella and a fresh LIIT was waiting for me. It went down just as easily as the first. The third slipped away with the setting sun. I staggered back to the hotel and decided which direction my room was. On the way, I ran into the desk clerk. Literally. We both fell down, looked at each other, and started laughing.