Chapter 9

And she had.

“David,” she said, when I was ten and Grace was 8, “Be nice to your sister.”

“Mom,” I interrupted, “She has cooties. Girls have cooties.”

“Who said?”

“Wenos.”

“Wenos?”

“Wayne.”

“Wayne?”

“Carpenter.”

“How would he know? He doesn’t have any sisters.”

“Huh?”

“Who else?”

“Bill Elsea.” Never say I can’t be taught.

“No sisters.”

“What?”

“Bill doesn’t have sisters ... how would he know?” She made that hand gesture that said, More.

“Umh ... everybody...”

“David Konn?”

“Umh ... no.” I was in furious thought ... something new for me. “I get it ... Jeanie ... David’s sister.”

“What would Jeanie do if David said she had cooties?”

“Well ... the last time he was mean to her, she gave him a black eye.”

“Do any of your friends sisters have cooties?” she asked. “More of your friends have sisters than your friends that don’t?”

“Yes, mom.”

“Need I say more?”

“Nope ... I get it.”

“There’s hope for your reaching 11,” she said.

When I was 12 and girls were suddenly taller and interesting, mom said it again.

“Be nice to your sister.”

But I wasn’t.

Grace was Greasydeal ... and ten. Her friends were ten.

The gulf between 12 and 10 is more than 2 years ... the gap is immense.

Her friends turned 12 ... and started getting interesting shapes ... but not Greasydeal ... hard fried eggs and flat assed. So ... now I’m 18 ... Grace is 16, still flat chested and flat assed ... but her friends ... slumber parties ... swimming ... cheerleaders (we have a heated glassed in pool) she knows everybody in the 9th and 10th grades ... and I’m an asshole ... ask any of them ... they’ll tell you.

The gap is closing ... I imagine that the gap between 24 and 22 doesn’t exist. In fact ... I’ll bet the gap between 22 and 24 is widening. 24 is not boyfriend material.

I should have been nice to my sister.

Daddy said, “If you are ever so fortunate as to score a little pussy.” Yes ... he used the word ... what kind of a rounder had my dad been when he was my age?

“If you are ever so fortunate as to score a little pussy,” he said. “Never tell your friends. As far as they are concerned you are as pure as the wind driven snow. If you tell ... soon they will have discovered that that pussy you so callously disparaged ... is open to them ... and closed to you.”

“Huh?”

“A gentleman never tells.”