Chapter 14: Ties That Bind (Part One)

The next morning, I was at my desk, trying to focus on my semester project for Database class. My notes blurred as my concentration wavered—probably because my bladder was well past full.

I put down my notebook, took a sharp right in the foyer, and pushed through the half-open bathroom door.

The sound of running water made me glance up—and my stomach lurched.

She stood beneath the showerhead, her body turned slightly to the side, water bouncing off her hair, rolling down over her breasts. A washcloth was in her hand, moving between her legs.

She looked over, her eyes meeting mine.

I dropped my head and spun toward the door, my pulse hammering.

“C’mon in,” she called casually. “Nothing you haven’t already seen a thousand times.”

Maybe — but suddenly, it felt different.

“I have to pee,” I muttered, staring at the tile.

She nodded toward the toilet. “Go ahead.”

Every muscle in my body locked up, but I forced myself forward. I reached inside the fly of my boxers just as she spoke again, her voice light, effortless.

“How was your date with Hannah last night?”

The loud rush of my stream hitting the water filled the room. I clenched my jaw, willing myself to finish fast.

“Nice,” I managed. “She really enjoyed dancing.”

“Are there any other events you’ll be needing me to fund?”

I swallowed. Was she watching me? Watching as I held myself? Her tone was so casual, like we were talking about the weather over breakfast.

“She mentioned her birthday coming up,” I said quickly, my voice tight. “Sounds like she’s expecting something special.”

“I’m sure she does.” Water splashed, and I knew she was shifting. “You know, you can’t always be relying on old Mom to take care of your love life.”

An image of Hannah from the night before flashed through my mind. Me sitting there, admiring her body as she bathed in Matt’s shower.

My breath hitched. A horrible, gut-wrenching realization swept through me.

I was stiffening.

I stuffed it back into my boxers, willing the thought away.

A violent shudder racked my body, revulsion clawing at my throat. I turned sharply, nearly tripping over myself as I bolted from the bathroom, leaving the door swinging half-shut behind me.

It was hard to pay attention to my homework. I ate dinner but didn’t have much to say.

I walked into the bowling alley, still sorting through the mess in my head. The familiar sound of crashing pins didn’t feel as comforting as usual. Before I even made it to my lane, I saw Katie approaching, arms crossed, a knowing grin on her face.

“So...” she said, drawing it out. “What’s wrong this week?”

I blinked at her. “Why do women always want to know what I’m thinking?”

She tilted her head, mock-serious. “Because it’s either really dumb or really important, and we have to know which.” She bumped her shoulder into mine. “Come on, you were more fun before — back when you weren’t brooding all the time.”

I sighed, shaking my head. “Something happened, and there aren’t many people who’d understand. I’ll talk to Hannah tomorrow.”

Her eyebrows lifted, her grin turning mischievous. “You didn’t break it, did you?” Her eyes darted down, and I realized what she meant.

I groaned and covered my face. “No! Not that!” I peeked at her through my fingers. “Can we please drop it?”

Katie snickered and held up her hands. “Okay, okay.” But her expression softened. “Look, you know I’m here if you need to vent, right? I’m not just here to annoy you.”

I dropped my hands and nodded. “I know. Thanks.”

She grabbed a ball off the rack and gave me a wink. “Good. Now stop sulking and throw some strikes.”

“Yes, dear,” I muttered sarcastically.

At the end of the night, it was me who approached Katie and offered a hug.

Stepping back after our embrace, she asked, “What was that for?”

I grinned. “For putting up with me. I apologize for being so gruff earlier.”

She shrugged. “Don’t worry, it’s no problem.”

“I just want to make sure you understand it’s something really personal. I wouldn’t be able to explain it if you didn’t already know.”

“I get it — you’re a man of mystery, Joe Long.”

I chuckled. “Oh, if you only knew. See you next week.”

The next morning, I awoke with a jolt. My eyes snapped open, stinging from the light spilling past the half-closed drapes. I took a deep breath, my stomach twisting as the dream replayed vividly in my mind’s eye.

When I stood, I realized the front of my boxers were wet ... and sticky.

I scrambled to the dresser, grabbing a clean pair from the pile on top. The muffled hum of the TV carried as I entered the bathroom, my mother’s voice making some offhand comment to Dad.

Clutching the soiled underwear, I hesitated — laundry chute or trash? Finally, I dropped them down the chute. It wouldn’t be the first time she’d found a crusty pair.

Had she noticed before?

My heart raced as I stepped into the shower, spinning the knob then leaning my forehead into the tile as scalding water poured over me. Maybe that was my punishment — to burn in Hell.

I stood motionless, the dream vividly replaying in brutal detail. How she looked. How she felt. How I felt. I prayed the steaming water would wash it all away — the images, the guilt, the physical traces ... everything.

The morning before, she’d invited me to stay in the bathroom while she showered. It wasn’t the first time I’d felt that desire — but along with it came that constant dread, never knowing what she was thinking ... or why.

I’d always kept myself under control around her. Even when she asked me to help with her bra, I wouldn’t have a reaction. But yesterday ... as she acted like nothing was out of the ordinary, my body betrayed me.

Had she noticed? When I walked in a few minutes later, she didn’t seem any different. But she’d been sitting there — next to Dad.

It had always felt like a dangerous game. We danced right up to the line but never crossed it. Neither of us daring to hurl ourselves into that frightening undiscovered country.

But now ... now it felt like I had crossed it. An involuntary, primal reaction that sent a message I never meant to send — and didn’t know how to take back.

Just thinking about it left me trembling.

Finally, I turned the water down, shampooed quickly, and stepped out to dry. I wiped the steam from the mirror and saw how red my face and shoulders were.

On my way back to my room, towel around my waist, Mom glanced up from the loveseat — her eyes flicking away almost immediately. My skin prickled. I dressed fast, but as I passed, her voice stopped me.

“Joe, come here.”

I hesitated, then stepped in. The TV showed chaotic crowds outside a building.

Dad spoke without looking up. “The Iranians just captured our embassy in Tehran. They want the Shah back.”

“Shit,” I muttered, staring at the footage.

After a few minutes, I said, “I’m heading to Aunt Janet’s. See yunz after the game.”

In the kitchen, I called Hannah. “Hey ... can I come over early? I need help with something. A lot of help.”

Twenty minutes later I was at her door. As soon as she greeted me, I whispered, “Can we talk in private?”

Hannah turned to her mother. “Mom, can we go to my room?”

Janet set her coffee down. “I trust this is important?”

“Yes,” I nodded.

“Okay. Door open, feet on the floor.”

“Yes, Mom,” Hannah said, taking my hand.

In her room, she sat on the bed, looking up at me. My eyes burned. “It’s my mother.”

Her expression darkened. “What happened?”

I bit my lip, wiping my cheek. “I can’t do this anymore.”

“Tell me.”

I turned away, sank to the floor, pulled my knees to my chest, my back pressedto the bed. “Yesterday morning, I was in the bathroom with her. I was gonna leave when I saw her in the shower.”

“You guys have done that before, right?”

“Yeah. But this was ... different. She invited me in, I saw her, she saw me with my dick in my hand, and she just kept asking about our date, like it was nothing. I had no clue what she was thinking. And then ... it moved.”

Hannah slid down next to me, taking my hand. “What do you mean?”

“It moved. I felt it. I was holding it, right there. It’s a sign.”

“Of?”

“Of something I never wanted to deal with.” My voice cracked. “I was scared I’d get hard right in front of my mother.”

Her fingers tightened on mine. “Oh my God.”

“You remember when you asked why I read those books?”

“Yes.”

I took a shaky breath. “I confess. I had fantasies. I saw her all the time. The only woman I ever saw. But the bigger question ... why did she read those books? And that one, in particular?”

Hannah rubbed my back as I sobbed. “It’ll be okay.”

“There’s more. I had a dream this morning.” I bit my lip, debating whether to continue.

“It’s okay. Tell me.”

“Uh ... she came into my room, the book in her hand, asking the same questions you did. Then ... after I followed her into her room, she asked me to lie down. She moved my hand, I got on top, then we ... you know” My voice faded. “I woke up with a mess in my shorts.”

“I’m sorry,” she whispered.

“But it makes sense now. Wanting something so badly, for so long, but being so utterly terrified of it. That’s how I’ve always been with girls. I thought it was Dad’s fault — afraid of failure, of being laughed at.”

Hannah rested her forehead on my arm. “Joe, you’re not a failure. This doesn’t make you broken.”

“Don’t you see? I hated Dad for everything wrong with me. But now I know ... it was Mom. And I don’t want to hate her.”

Her tears fell too. “I know you don’t.”

“Without her ... who would I have left?”

“I’m here, Joe”

“But it’s not the same. You’re not my mother. And she shouldn’t be like you.”

We sat there for what felt like forever. Finally, I turned and hugged her tight, whispering, “I love you,” as I cried into her shoulder.

After a while, I stood, offering my hand to help her up. “Maybe we should get back.”

Hannah held my hand, pulling me back. “Not yet. You have to end this.”

“How?”

“You have to talk to her. Just tell her it has to stop.”

I swallowed. “But she’s my mom. How do you even say that to a parent?”

Hannah squeezed my hand. “Joe ... be a man. Stand up for yourself.”

I exhaled slowly. “This isn’t going to be easy.”

“You can do it.”

I nodded faintly. “Okay.” Then I turned and left her room.

At the top of the stairs, Aunt Janet was waiting as Hannah trailed behind me. She reached out and touched my arm. “Joe, forgive me for overhearing, but ... I’m so sorry. You don’t deserve this.”

I wiped my cheek and nodded.

Janet continued. “She was never like this — sleeping in the nude, all that — until she met your dad.” I nodded again. “He had his Playboys and Penthouses, like most men, but I didn’t know she was walking around naked in front of you, or that they were into porn.”

I looked up. “Thank you. I appreciate that.”

She moved as if to hug me, but I held up my hands. “Sorry ... but I don’t think a hug from an attractive, motherly figure is what I need right now.”

Her face fell, but then she nodded. “Oh — you’re right. I wasn’t thinking.”

“It’s okay.”

She studied me for a moment, then offered a small smile. “How about something to eat?”

I gave a faint chuckle and nodded. “What do you have?”

As we all walked downstairs to the kitchen, she said, “I made cookies. Chocolate chip and oatmeal raisin.”

I grinned. “That sounds good.”

“On the counter,” she pointed.

I grabbed a plate from the cupboard and loaded it up with four of each. When I turned, Hannah stood with her hands on her hips, eyebrow raised. I shook my head. “What? You wouldn’t deprive a poor, despondent soul of his only comfort, would you?”

She chuckled. “I’ll give you comfort.”

I tilted my head. “You know your mother said no.”

Still laughing, we carried the plate to the family room, where the NFL pregame show was on TV. I sat and slowly nibbled an oatmeal cookie, examining it between bites.

Hannah nestled against my shoulder on the right, watching me with quiet amusement. Halfway through my second cookie, she said, “If you eat all those, you won’t have room for dinner.”

I grinned at her. “What are you going to do to stop me?”

Her grin widened. “This!” She snatched a cookie off my plate.

“You better stop!”

“Oh, one will do ... for now.”

I shook my head and took another bite. “So, what’s for dinner?”

She turned toward the kitchen and yelled, “Mom! What’s for dinner?”

“Chili,” Aunt Janet called back.

I leaned back and raised my voice. “Can you make it with onions and green and red peppers?”

“Yes, I can.”

“And red pepper flakes?”

“Anything else?”

“I think that’s it. And some crackers, of course.”

“Of course.”

I turned back to the TV — then yelped as Hannah twisted my nipple through my shirt. “Ow! What was that for?”

“You’re such a suck-up.”

I chuckled, then took another bite of cookie.

A few minutes later, footsteps came up from the basement. Dave pushed through the door. “Hey, Mom — I’m home.”

Susie trailed behind, eyes already on Hannah. “Hey, girl. Was that you hanging out with the Holy Rollers outside the cafeteria?”

Dave glanced at Hannah as she said, “Yeah. They’re ... friends.”

Susie raised an eyebrow. “You? Them? Friends?”

“Yes! Some other freshmen. They invited me to sit at lunch.”

I glanced at Susie. “They’re some girls we met at volleyball a couple weeks ago.”

Susie shook her head. “Oh, Joe — there were guys there too.”

I looked at Hannah, who held up her hands. “What? You have friends who are girls. Can’t I have some who are guys?”

“I thought it was just Robin and Lynn.”

“Well ... and Tammy, Charlie, Butch, and Andy.”

Susie pursed her lips. “Do they know about you two?”

A sharp tension knotted in my chest. “C’mon, Susie. Don’t be judgmental.”

Her hands went to her hips. “They’ve been the ones judging me.”

Hannah tightened her grip on my arm. “Please, Joe.” Then she looked at Susie. “No.”

I exhaled, turning back to the screen. “Can we just watch football?”

The girls settled on either side of me. As the pregame droned on, Susie leaned in from my left, her voice low. “Be careful.”