Chapter 13: Reckoning

A cold panic engulfed me.

We stared at each other for a moment before I creaked out, “What?”

Never taking her eyes off me, my mother repeated herself. “You heard me. What are you two doing?”

My heart pounded. I could barely breathe. I stumbled inside, fumbling to close the door. My eyes locked onto hers.

“We ... we’re friends. We like ... being with each other.”

Her arm shot forward, finger pointed directly at me.

“Bullshit! Don’t you lie to me!”

I closed my eyes, my chest tightening. Then the tears came.

“She’s...” I shook my head slowly, then met her gaze again. “She’s my girlfriend.”

Mom stiffened. “Your what?”

Anger swelled, pushing back the fear. I wiped my face, trying to steady my breath.

“My girlfriend! Like I’ve been looking for forever. Someone who loves me. We hang out, we have fun. We hold hands and kiss n’at—just like everyone else.”

Her eyes blazed. “Just how much ‘n’at’ are we talking about?”

Oh shit.

I sighed and dropped my head.

“Oh my God, Joe!” she shrieked. “You could go to jail!”

“Not if you don’t tell anyone!”

“You better have used protection.”

“Yes, Mom, we did. Every time ... except the first.”

“Oh Jesus...” She pressed her hands to her temples, eyes wild. “I warned you about this ... about her...”

“It wasn’t her! We hit it off right away and—after a while—we realized we both felt the same way. Just like anyone else who falls in love.”

“She’s not anyone else—she’s your cousin!”

I threw up my hands. “Grandma and Grandpa are related! Dad’s sister married her first cousin, and none of their kids are deformed!”

Mom looked away, her whole body trembling as she let out a shaky breath.

“It’s just ... and she’s so young.”

I set my jaw. “And when was your first time?”

She grabbed her head, stared at the table, then muttered, “That’s none of your damn business.”

Her voice wavered. She looked like she was about to cry.

I swallowed hard. “We love each other, Mom. Very much.”

She slumped back, chin tucked against her chest. “It’s just ... so much more than I expected.”

I exhaled sharply, clenching my fists. “What are you going to say to Aunt Janet?”

Mom slowly looked up, then shook her head. Her voice came barely above a whisper.

“I don’t know what the fuck I’m going to tell my sister.”

I was still crying.

I rubbed my face, then, after a few moments of silence, asked, “Can I go to my room?”

She nodded.

I was flat on my back, staring at the dark ceiling. Sleep wouldn’t come.

My body ached with dread.

I heard my parents each go to their room, but after that ... nothing. No arguing. An eerie silence.

I had expected something.

I couldn’t tell when, but eventually, sleep overtook me.

I only knew I’d been asleep when I woke up to turn over. No dreams, no memories. But my heart was still racing.

Finally, I stirred and sat up. I hadn’t looked at the clock yet, but sunlight spilled through the window.

I just sat there, gazing at the floor, my hands intertwined, my fingers fidgeting in a battle I wasn’t privy to.

Then came footsteps.

Mom opened the door and stepped inside. I caught a glimpse of Dad in the foyer. Watching.

She hovered over me, her voice even, controlled. “The three of us will be at Janet’s house at noon—to join her, Mickey, and Hannah—as we decide what is to be done about this situation.”

She turned and left. My chest tightened and tears flowed freely down my face.

When we got in the car, Dad took the wheel, Mom settled into her usual seat beside him and I slid into the back.

For a while, no one spoke. Then, after a few minutes, Dad sighed. “Well, this is another fine mess you’ve gotten yourself into, son.”

I muttered, “I know.”

He gave a dry chuckle. “I certainly hope you were making use of my generous gift.”

I sighed heavily. “Yes, I was. Thank you.”

Mom’s head snapped toward me. “What gift?”

Dad chuckled again, unfazed. “A Ted Kennedy special—a box of a hundred rubbers.”

Her eyes narrowed. “You knew about them?”

Dad snorted. “Knew what? Far as I was concerned, the boy was still a virgin. But someday, somehow, I figured he might get lucky. Better to be safe than sorry, right?”

Mom’s jaw clenched as she turned away. “Oh,” she muttered.

She spent the rest of the ride staring out the window, arms crossed, while everyone fell silent. Nothing but the hum of the tires, the occasional passing car.

I slouched into the seat, fingers drumming on my thigh. A couple of times, I caught Dad glancing at me in the rearview mirror.

As we drew closer, my chest grew tight again. My stomach flipped. My hands felt clammy.

Is this what it feels like to get arrested?

On arrival, much like an inmate, I was led between my parents, through the garage, up the basement stairs, down the first-floor hallway, past the kitchen, and into the family room.

Hannah was on the far end of the couch.

Mom pointed to the near end and firmly instructed, “Sit.”

I obeyed, recognizing her unspoken demand for distance between us.

I glanced at Hannah. She met my gaze, tears brimming, rolling silently down her cheeks. She sighed, then turned away, pulling her knees to her chin, arms wrapped tightly around her shins.

My heart pounded.

Aunt Janet turned to Mickey and Dad. “We’ll be back,” she muttered, then took Mom by the elbow and led her down the hallway.

From somewhere near the dining room, we heard muffled voices. Occasionally, there was a spike in volume—but only a few words carried. Mostly expletives.

I twisted around, glancing at the clock in the kitchen. Ten after twelve.

Dad had wandered toward the picture window, hands in his pockets, staring outside.

When the voices approached, Hannah turned her head, watching our mothers reenter. We remained on the couch as the parents huddled on the far side of the room. Dad frowned, nodding at something.

The huddle broke and they took their positions—Mickey and Aunt Janet in front of Hannah, Mom and Dad in front of me. The sisters stood side by side, a noticeable arm’s length apart.

Aunt Janet cleared her throat. “Do either of you two have anything to say for yourselves?”

Hannah and I looked at each other. My throat locked.

Who’s going to go first?

I nodded gently, turned forward to face them, and swallowed hard. A deep breath, a bit lip, tears still fresh on my cheek. “ ... We fell in love.”

Aunt Janet’s face turned red. “She’s your cousin, for Christ’s sake.”

Hannah lifted her chin. Her voice was soft but unwavering. “You don’t always get to choose who you fall in love with.”

I added quickly, “And it’s not like it’s a first in our family.”

Aunt Janet’s hands flew to her hips. “Well, not in my family!”

Dad shot her a hard look. She glanced at him briefly, then refocused her glare on me.

“Joe,” she said, voice low and tight, “your mother told me everything you said to her last night.”

Hannah’s head whipped toward me and her eyebrows shot up. “It was you?” she whispered.

I shrugged helplessly, whispering back, “I’m sorry.”

Aunt Janet folded her arms. “How long have you two been doing this, right under my nose? Did you think you could get away with it forever?”

I sighed. “About two months ... and no.”

Hannah lifted her head, her voice more forceful. “We’ve only done it three times, and just once in the last six weeks!”

Dad raised an eyebrow, looking puzzled.

Aunt Janet, however, looked ready to explode. “Oh, just three times! Like that makes it okay?” She whirled on Hannah. “You’re only fourteen!”

“Almost fifteen!” Hannah pleaded.

“Don’t get smart with me! Don’t you realize how badly you can screw up your life?”

I opened my mouth to speak, but Aunt Janet cut me off.

“I trusted you,” she hissed at me. “I told you not to hurt her.”

Mom stepped between us and her sister, her voice low but firm.

“Let me do this.”

She frowned, looked around at us, then said, “Okay, here’s the deal. To cut to the chase, we’ve agreed that you two can continue to be together ... as boyfriend and girlfriend...”

I let out a sigh of relief and slumped on the couch. Hannah looked over and tried to smile.

Aunt Janet stepped forward, taking the lead back from Mom. “ ... but these are the conditions. You don’t do anything without my knowledge. Watch TV, walk around the block, go to a party—you ask me first, and I know exactly where you are and what you’re doing at all times. And ... there will be no sex.” She pointed at me. “Screw up one time, and it’s over.”

Hannah stood, her voice rising. “But Mom!”

“You heard me.”

“We’ve always been careful! Can’t I just go on the pill?”

Her mother shook her head. “That would just be giving you permission.”

Hannah screamed, “Why is everything my fault? Even two years ago, when you walked in on me and Dave, you never thought of blaming him! Oh, it had to be Hannah’s idea!”

What the fuck?

Everyone turned to Janet. Her face went blank. She glanced around, then muttered, “I don’t have to take this,” before storming off down the hallway.

Mom looked at me. “I think it’s time to go home.”

I raised a hand. “Wait.” On my feet, I walked over to Hannah.

She stood and wrapped her arms around me. I pulled her head to my chest, running my fingers through her hair as she clutched me tight. Then I kissed the top of her head and whispered, “We can do this, Caroline.”

She looked up and smiled weakly.

Stepping back, she took my hand. Our arms formed a bridge between us. I silently mouthed, I love you, then backed off again, forcing our hands to break apart.

I turned to follow Mom, Dad trailing behind as we made our way to the basement stairs.

I was sure I looked as drained as I felt, but at the same time, relief coursed through me. The dread had lifted—unexpectedly.

We were still together. No more secrets.

When we got to the garage, Dad said, “Joe.”

Mom continued out into the driveway as I stopped, turning to face him.

He stepped in front of me, pinning me against the wall, his finger in my face. “Don’t go thinking you don’t need those rubbers. Despite what you two promised in there, I know that as soon as that little girl flutters her eyelashes, she’ll have your pants off in a second. Carry one. Always. Protect yourself. Protect us.”

I nodded.

We had always used protection—except for the first time. Then I smirked, realizing he had just given me permission, even demanded that I keep carrying one in my wallet.

The car was silent for the first ten minutes of the ride home.

Dad had one hand resting on the wheel, occasionally drumming his fingers. Mom sat with her arms crossed, staring out the window.

I replayed every moment of the inquisition, especially Aunt Janet’s seething glare.

Finally, Mom broke the silence. “Joe, I want you to know something.” She half-turned in her seat. “I was the one who convinced Janet to give you and Hannah a chance. To let you stay together.”

I glanced up, startled. “You did?”

“Yes.” She smiled faintly. “I reminded her that ... well, love doesn’t always happen the way we expect it to. And if she tried to force you apart, it would only push you two closer together. I thought—”

“Are you serious?” Dad interrupted, his voice low but simmering. His knuckles whitened on the wheel.

“What?” Mom asked, narrowing her eyes.

“You think this is some great achievement, Meredith?” His voice rose. “You convinced Janet to let him keep dating his cousin?”

“That’s not what I said—”

“Well, I don’t know if I want my son involved with such a fucked-up family.”

Mom’s face twisted in anger, and I sat up straight, my heart pounding.

“Excuse me? That’s my family you’re talking about, Chris.”

“And look at the mess they’ve made,” Dad shot back. “Three kids, three different fathers. I’ve known Janet since she was fifteen, and that girl of hers is no different.”

“Don’t,” Mom warned, her voice trembling.

“You know I’m right. But sure, let’s throw Joe into the middle of it and see how well that works out.”

I couldn’t stay quiet anymore. “Dad, stop.”

“Stop? You think I’m being harsh? You’re going to fail, Joe. You’re going to screw this up. And when you do, I’ll be the one picking up the pieces.”

“Chris!” Mom shouted. “That’s enough!”

Dad slammed a hand against the steering wheel. The thud made me jump.

“He’s a kid, Meredith. A dumb, horny kid, and you just handed him a loaded gun.”

Mom turned back to face the windshield, her jaw tight. “You didn’t fight for him at all in there,” she said quietly. “I did.”

Dad didn’t respond.

I slumped back in my seat, staring out the window at the passing street signs.

Just ten minutes ago, I was happy. Relieved. At that moment, my chest felt tight, like someone had their hands around my throat, squeezing.

Then it grabbed my neck, ran down my arm—and it felt like someone had just jammed a goddamn knife through my hand.

We got back shortly after one. Normally, I’d be at Hannah’s watching the Steelers, but that week, they were playing on Monday Night Football.

I always hated waiting for a game, especially after the emotional wringer I’d just been through.

I found Mom taking out the garbage. “I can’t be stuck in my room all day, considering... everything,” I said. “I’m going for a walk in the woods.”

She sighed. “Make sure you’re home for supper.”

I wasn’t walking real fast, so it took maybe ten minutes instead of five to get there.

Despite being the third Sunday of October, it was even warmer than the day before, pushing eighty degrees.

I shuffled slowly down the main path that ran parallel to the street. Looking at the trees and hanging vines, I wished I’d brought Hannah up there yesterday—but we’d gotten too deep in conversation.

It wasn’t a huge area, just a stretch of uncleared land nestled between neighborhoods. About three hundred yards in, the path curved around a hillside, overlooking a creek below.

Years before, every summer, I’d pass the time lifting underwater rocks, searching for crayfish and salamanders—but they were gone for the season.

Back then, when we had a group of kids, we’d race down the creek, hopping from stone to stone. Of course, someone always missed a step and ended up soaked from head to toe.

It had only been two hours, but I already missed Hannah. I wondered how she was holding up.

I made my way back, strolling along the path at the bottom of the embankment next to the street.

And then I saw it. The old vine. Thick as a baseball bat, it hung suspended from branches eighty—maybe even a hundred—feet above.

It had always been the domain of teenagers. Before time had bestowed me that honor, I’d had to wait my turn, watching the older guys take their swings. That made my moments on the vine a cherished opportunity.

I grabbed hold and walked about two-thirds of the way up the embankment, past the thick trunk of the tree it dangled from.

Once I reached the right spot, I gripped the vine tight and lifted my feet. I swung down, barely skimming the ground, then swept past the nadir, soaring above the forest floor.

And then—a sickening lurch.

For a moment, I felt suspended in midair—then I plummeted straight down, the vine still in my hands.

Panic gripped my chest as I looked below—jagged, scattered rocks. And in the center—what looked like a discarded brown Christmas tree.

There was no time to react. I crashed down—dead center—onto the brittle branches.

I wasn’t dead. That was good. My right shoulder throbbed, but otherwise ... I was intact.

Someone must have been looking out for me.

I brushed myself off, heart still hammering in my chest.

Damn it. I’m not a kid anymore.

Still walking gingerly after the fall, I stepped inside through the back door. Mom was at the kitchen sink. She turned.

“Mom?” I asked weakly.

A look of concern flickered in her eyes. “Yes, son?”

I sighed. “Thank you.”

She stepped closer, gently poking me in the chest, her voice soft but firm.

“I believe you two really do love each other,” she murmured. “And I ... I couldn’t bring myself to hurt you that way. But you can’t be having sex with her. Not yet.”

I nodded slowly. “I understand.”

She studied me for a moment, then tilted her head. “Then what’s the matter?”

I felt the tears coming again. “Me and Hannah ... are we ever going to be okay?” My voice cracked. “Are we ever going to be... normal?”

She took my hand, her fingers wrapping around mine.

“Joe, anything worth having is worth fighting for.”

I let her touch linger, nodded, then moved past her. As I turned for the stairs, I glanced back.

She was facing away, her hands gripping the edge of the sink, head hanging low. She looked so tired.

At dinner, I picked at my meatloaf, barely touching my plate.

I didn’t say more than, “Can you pass the fried potatoes?” and my parents avoided talking to me.

I knew I’d have to talk to Hannah soon, but I wasn’t sure if calling her was the right move yet.

I had no idea what Aunt Janet’s mood would be if she answered the phone.

When I got to database class on Monday morning, I waved to Matt. “We need to talk.”

At the end of class, he met me at the door. “What’s up?”

I sighed, rubbing the back of my neck. “Me and Hannah. We got busted.”

Matt’s eyes widened. “Oh my God. What happened?”

“Saturday. She was over at the house most of the day—we said we were studying, then went to the lanes. I guess Mom had seen enough, ‘cause she nailed me to the wall after I got back from taking Hannah home.”

“So that’s it? You’re done?” He folded his arms and leaned against the doorframe.

I shook my head slowly, exhaling. “No. They let us stay together... if we don’t screw up. Surprised the shit out of me—but Hannah really flipped out on her mom when we were told ‘no sex.’”

Matt blinked, brow furrowed. “Oh wow.”

“Yeah. I’m worried about her. We haven’t talked since yesterday.”

He nodded thoughtfully. “This afternoon—why don’t you go over to her school and try to catch her before she gets on the bus? You can talk to her then.”

“That sounds like a good idea. Thanks.”

“Good luck,” he said with a small smile, clapping me on the shoulder.

My last class let out at two-thirty. Five minutes later, I was on the sidewalk outside Hannah’s school, scanning for her bus.

I hadn’t been there long when a middle-aged man approached, his expression wary. “Excuse me, what’s your name?”

I frowned, my chest tightening. “I’m sorry—why?”

“Why are you out here before classes have been dismissed?”

“Oh! It’s okay—I don’t go here. I’m waiting for my girlfriend so I can give her a ride home.” I reached into my wallet and pulled out my college student ID, holding it out.

The man studied me for a moment, then muttered, “I suppose,” before walking back toward the doors.

As kids started pouring out, I moved to the back of Hannah’s bus, standing near the grass to stay out of the crowd.

Then, I spotted her and waved.

She stopped, stared for a second, then sprinted toward me, throwing her arms around my neck and nearly knocking me over.

I wrapped my arms around her, holding her tight until her grip loosened. As her feet touched the ground again, she pulled my face down and pressed her lips to mine.

When she finally let go, I grinned. “I thought we didn’t need to put on a show.”

“Screw that.” She grinned back, then tilted her head. “What are you doing here?”

“I thought you might need to talk, and this would be the best time to catch you without having to go through your mother first.”

She rolled her eyes. “That’s for sure.”

“How about we walk over to the library? They’ve got some good places to sit in private.”

“Let’s go.”

She laced her fingers through mine, and we walked past the buses, crossing the street to campus.

“I miss you,” she said softly, squeezing my hand.

“It’s only been a day.”

“That’s not what I mean.”

I sighed. “We can’t.”

“I know,” she mumbled.

As we passed the classroom buildings, Hannah asked, “So, fill me in. How did you manage to tell your mom everything on Saturday?”

I tightened my grip on her hand, dropped my head, then turned to her. “She must’ve been watching us all day. As soon as I came in the back door, she was jumping down my throat, wanting to know what we were up to.”

“And you confessed?”

“I couldn’t see any way not to. I think it saved us when I told her how much we loved each other.”

“Well, I guess it was going to happen sometime.”

When we got to the library, I led her through the front doors and up the stairs to the second floor. The lobby had couches lining the walls. I pointed to one in the far corner.

I sat and patted the spot next to me. She sat down, turning toward me, resting her head on my shoulder, her hand moving back and forth over my torso.

I gave her a squeeze, kissed the top of her head and whispered, “I love you. It’ll be fine.”

She cried, her tears soaking into my shirt.

I just held her, my cheek resting against her hair. My arm lifted with every breath she took.

After a while, she lifted her head to look at me. I swallowed.

“I’m here, baby.”

I’d never used a pet name for her before, but it felt right as I stroked her arm.

She whispered, “I need this.”

“Anytime. We don’t have to hide anymore.”

She dropped her head again, picking at imaginary lint on my belly. Her fingers wandered dangerously close to my belt.

I shook my head gently. “We can’t.”

She whispered, “I know ... but I need you.”

“I’m here. We’ll make it work.”

“No, I need you ... I need you in me.” Her voice trembled. “When we do it, it’s so incredible, we’re so close, like we’re one. I want that feeling forever.”

I swallowed hard. “I understand ... but we can love each other without sex.”

“No, you don’t understand.” She tightened her grip on my shirt. “Every day that I’m not with you, I’m afraid there won’t be another time. That you don’t need me.”

I cupped her cheek, forcing her to look at me.

“I’m never leaving. I’ll always be here.”

“You better not.”

A little while later, I whispered, “I need to get you home. Your mother’s going to wonder why you didn’t get off the bus.”

We disentangled, and Hannah stood, smoothing her shirt. “Is there a pay phone around here?”

“Yeah, down in the basement. I think I have a dime.” I fished it out of my pocket and handed it to her as we walked downstairs.

Hannah dialed and waited. “Hey, Mom, I’m with Joe over at the college library ... I know, but it wasn’t planned. He showed up and asked if we could talk ... Yes, we’re in the library ... I needed to vent, and we needed to talk some things out ... We’re leaving now. We’ll be at the house in ten or fifteen minutes ... Yes, I’ll tell him.”

She hung up.

I frowned. “Tell me what?”

“She wants to talk to you when you drop me off.”

“Is that bad?”

“I’m not sure, but she didn’t sound angry.”

As we walked to my car, holding hands, I asked, “You really went off on your mother yesterday. I never thought it would’ve been Dave.”

She stopped mid-step and turned to face me, still holding my hand. “It’s how Mom treats me. She never did a thing to my brother, but every time I was near a boy, she’d be hovering, like she didn’t trust me.”

“She didn’t seem that way around me.”

“Maybe because you’re my cousin, so she assumed you were safe – but she just needs to let it go.”

It took less than ten minutes to get to her house.

We went in through the basement, emerging into the first-floor hallway.

Hannah called out, “Mom—we’re home.”

“In here.”

She was standing in front of the couch in the family room. As we approached, she pointed and said softly, “Sit.”

Hannah went first, sitting in the middle, right in front of her mother. I hesitated—there wasn’t much space left on either side.

Janet looked up and waved dismissively. “Go ahead, you can sit next to her.”

After I did, Aunt Janet settled onto the coffee table, directly in front of us. She glanced between us, frowned, and took a deep breath before turning to me.

“Joe, when your mother told me what happened, I felt betrayed.”

I froze, unsure what to say. Hannah reached over and took my hand. Her mom noticed but continued.

“I trusted you, her cousin. You promised me you’d protect her ... then I find out you were sneaking around... having sex.”

Hannah leaned forward. “But, Mom—”

Janet raised a hand, silencing her. “Just wait.” She sighed and met my eyes again. “I could tell how well you two got along. Yes, like you were made for each other. That’s why, in the end, I agreed not to separate you. But I can’t let her get hurt.”

“I won’t,” I said firmly.

“But you already did.”

“No!” Hannah said sharply.

Janet placed a hand gently on her daughter’s knee. “Not on purpose, honey, but you’re not even fifteen yet. Believe me, you’re still a kid. Maybe in a few years, but not now. I can’t bear seeing you make the same mistakes I did.”

Hannah squeezed my hand so hard it hurt.

Her mom continued, “If you keep getting involved in parties, drinking... boys, you’re going to get hurt.”

“Joe didn’t hurt me. He would never hurt me!”

“Not because he wants to, but because nobody’s perfect. Sooner or later, he will fail you. And when it happens, it will hurt.”

She turned to me, frowning. “I thought maybe you were one of the good ones, but you’ve shown me you’re not as different as I’d hoped.”

I felt anger flare inside me. I leaned forward, pointing my finger at her. “You want to know the difference between me and Dave? He’d jump on anything that moves—including his own sister!”

I turned to Hannah, squeezing her hand gently.

“I’ve never been with anyone but Hannah. And I never want to be.”

Tears streaked my cheek.

Aunt Janet replied, steady and firm, “I believe you. But you’re still human.”

Hannah looked at me and smiled. “Truth be told, he hasn’t been perfect. He’s pissed me off a few times, but we’ve been strong enough to work it out.”

I chuckled softly. “She keeps coming back.”

Aunt Janet glanced between us and sighed. Her voice softened.

“He can come over here. Hang out. Have fun. You can have lots of opportunities to be together. Just not that. You’re not ready.”

I looked into Hannah’s eyes and nodded gently.

She bit her lip, her eyes darting between me and her mom.

After a long pause, she lowered her head and whispered, “Okay.”

Janet sighed deeply and rubbed her temples. “I just want to keep you safe, Hannah. One day, you’ll understand.”

Since Hannah had school the next day, I spent Monday Night Football watching the Steelers with Mom.

We sat side by side on the loveseat, and I became acutely aware of every brush of her thigh against mine. It was nothing—just two people sitting on a small couch—but my mind refused to let it go.

I focused on the game, trying to push the thought aside.

Franco Harris broke loose for a long run, setting up a touchdown to tie the Steelers and Broncos at seven-seven after the first quarter.

In the second, I was on my feet often.

Lynn Swann pulled in a sixty-five-yard catch, Harris punched it in from the goal line, and then Harris ran another one in.

By then, it was after ten, and Dad called it a night.

At halftime, the Steelers led twenty-eight to seven. A minute of silence passed as we both watched the highlights. Finally, I broke it. “Hannah and I had a long conversation with her mom today.”

“Oh?” Mom asked, her eyes still on the screen. “How did that go?”

“Well, I think. Hannah calmed down and agreed to the terms, even though her mom accused me of being just another guy out for her daughter. I know she means well, but...”

Mom reached over and pulled my head to her shoulder, her hand stroking my arm in a soothing rhythm.

“It’ll be alright,” she whispered. “Hannah’s lucky to have you.”

I leaned into her touch, trying to convince myself she was right.