Chapter 7

Alex and I didn’t get another chance to be alone until the next day after school. I was only half-there for most of my classes, caught up in reliving what we’d done and what we’d been about to do. I couldn’t believe what had happened, and what I’d learnt—I’d fully realized what I’d been only half-aware of for years, my sexual attraction to my brother—and realized his feelings about me, as well. How improbable was that? And my god, we had been about to have the most incredible sex. It hardly seemed real.

I walked home more quickly than I usually did—I didn’t stop in at Wally’s Bookstore like I usually did after school—and jumped up the stairs two at a time, feeling energized. Unlocking the door to our flat, I sang out a hello and dropped my bag on the kitchen floor. When I turned, I found Alex lying on the sofa on his back, one arm over his eyes. He didn’t return my greeting, but I came over and gave him a sound kiss on the mouth anyway, which he only half-returned. His arm slid away slowly from his face to reveal his beautiful blues—but something was wrong. The look on his face, in his eyes, was one of pain, of misery, of uncertainty.

‘Hi, happy,’ I said, scooting onto the sofa in front of him—as much as I could, with the room that he left. ‘What’s the matter?’

Alex sighed. It was a sigh that came from deep within him and spoke of great sorrow.

‘Dottie,’ he said solemnly. ‘I think we should talk about yesterday.’

This I had not been expecting. In my imagined timeline, we were now only several minutes away from resuming our position of the previous evening, with thoughts that we might this time finish what we started.

‘Okay,’ I said uncertainly, brow furrowed, as my brother swung his legs over my head to sit up properly. He leaned forward, frowning, fingers together like the principals you see in films. ‘What do we need to say about it?’

‘I don’t think it should have happened,’ Alex said, his voice monotone. He didn’t look at me. ‘Maybe it’s better we stopped when we did.’

‘But if Da hadn’t come home, we’d have done it,’ I protested. ‘We didn’t choose to stop; we were forced to.’

‘Still. It’s—it’s wrong.’

‘My god, Alex, you’re gonna start with that? Who cares what anybody thinks? We both wanted to do it. You didn’t force me or anything. You’re being ridiculous. Look me in the eye and tell me you don’t still want to do it.’

He did look me in the eye, but he didn’t say what I’d asked him to. Instead, he said, ‘Dottie, this isn’t Game of Thrones. Stuff like this, it just doesn’t happen in real life.’

I threw up my hands, as if saying, look! ‘Well, I think you’re wrong. We were about to do it, and this is real life. Plus, those sex scenes in Game of Thrones ... they were fricking hot.’

Despite his serious mood, Alex cracked half a smile. ‘Yeah, they were.’

‘Look me in the eye and tell me you don’t still want to do it,’ I repeated, hands on my hips.

Alex looked at me in silence for a moment. ‘I can’t,’ he finally whispered. ‘I can’t, because that’s a lie.’

‘You know, I’ve only had sex once,’ I said, ‘but you’ve had it hundreds of times. Tell me, is it always like that? Because I bet the hell it’s not. If you weren’t about to do it I would’ve begged you to put your cock in me yesterday, begged and pleaded. I wanted you so much. I still do.’

‘It’s not always like that,’ he agreed. ‘Dot ... do you know why I’ve been bringing so many girls home for the past few years?’

I shook my head. ‘Despite the obvious, I guess.’

He shot me a look.

‘That you’re a sex maniac, of course.’

‘Not now,’ he said, dismissing my comment with a wave of his hand. ‘Dottie, it’s because I was trying to find someone I’d want as much as I wanted you. But no matter how many girls I took to bed, I still ached for you. I still woke up at night from dreams with you in them, dreams where I got to do what I wanted with you. My desire for you increased instead of decreased. I felt ... ashamed. Sick. You were only a kid when I started to feel that way for you, only thirteen. I thought something was wrong with me.’

‘We’re both freaks,’ I said. ‘You know, the night after I lost my virginity?’ I felt a blush creep into my face. ‘That night, I dreamt ... I dreamt of you. I dreamt of your kisses, and your body, and your cock inside me. I had an orgasm and woke up.’

‘You did?’ he seemed surprised.

‘I’ve wanted you longer than that,’ I said, ‘although I didn’t realize it for a long time. Not really until yesterday, to be honest.’

He seemed thoughtful. I reached out and touched his face.

‘Let’s be freaks together,’ I suggested, and kissed him on the mouth a long moment. I still wasn’t sure he’d agree, and waited, as I pulled away, with bated breath for his answer.