Chapter 3

The night I lost my virginity, however, I had not yet come to that realization. Willie had just left, and I was still lying there on the sofa, half-naked, when I heard the downstairs door shut. It was either Da, Alex, or Mrs Milfoil coming in—and as the steps continued up the stairs, I knew it wasn’t our landlady. I scrambled for my shirt, unable to find my knickers—had Willie pocketed them, as a trophy? —and only pulled it over my head and sat up in time for our door to open.

It was Alex, looking bored. He glanced over at me, and I hoped I looked kempt enough not to be suspicious.

‘Hey,’ he said, opening the fridge. ‘Who was that boy who just left here? He was too old to be Mrs Milfoil’s visiting grandson.’

‘Erm, just a boy I know from school. Willie Garrigle? We went to see a film.’

‘What was he doing here?’ Alex asked, in a measured tone, carefully not looking at me.

‘Well, he was—’ What could I use as an excuse? Nothing was coming to mind. I scrambled, but then settled on something near the truth. ‘He was just walking me home, Alex.’

Now my brother was unwrapping a sandwich leftover from our lunch, and going to the bin in the kitchen to throw out the saran wrap. I prayed he wouldn’t glance in, but the Holy Father did not grant my prayer. His eyes widened as they settled on the rubber, and when he turned to me I knew he’d seen. ‘Is that all he did, sweet sister? Did good old Willie JUST walk you home?’ Alex knew he very well hadn’t. I felt the blush creeping into my face and looked away from my brother’s penetrating gaze.

When I didn’t answer, he picked up the garbage and came over to where I was sitting. ‘What’s this in the bin, then? It’s not mine, and god knows Da isn’t ever sober enough to be able to even get it up.’

Finally I looked at him. ‘So what? You do it all the time. What’s the difference, Alex? Why are you making something out of nothing?’

‘It’s very different, Dot. You’re a child! I’m near grown now. And this Willie person, do you even know him?’

‘Do YOU even know half the girls you sleep with?’ I shot back, the colour really in my face now as my anger grew. ‘No! I bet you don’t. I bet you don’t even remember their names half the time. And I’m NOT a child.’ I crossed my arms over my chest, glaring at him.

Alex dismissed my comeback easily. ‘It’s different for men. Tell me, did you let him in you without this? Did you?’ he shoved the bin under my nose, the smell of rotten apple cores wafting up from within. I shoved it back.

‘No!’ I shouted. ‘No! Stop being a dickhead, Alex. I don’t know what you’re on about. What’s the big deal? I’m not gonna get pregnant. We used a condom. I don’t even like him! I’m not gonna see him again! What does it matter?’

‘You’re too young!’ he yelled back.

‘I know girls two years younger than me who have sex all the time,’ I retorted. ‘You’re not my father! You can’t tell me what to do.’

Alex put the bin down and sank onto the sofa beside me, his face in his hands. Finally, without looking up, he took a deep breath and said, ‘I just ... I’m just looking out for you. I just want you to be safe. You’re the only family I really have, and I don’t ... I don’t want you to get hurt, Dottie.’

He sounded like crying. I felt my own anger deflate.

‘I’m sorry, Alex. I didn’t mean to scare you,’ I said in a soft voice, putting my hand on his arm.

‘I should be the one apologizing,’ he said. ‘I reacted very badly. It was unfair. You should ... be allowed to do what you want.’