Chapter 3

I was awake at least an hour before I dragged myself out of bed. It took a great deal of willpower to do so. My body ached and my mind was thick and cumbersome. I had stared at the ceiling trying to weigh my thoughts, found no anchor to the way my fears and doubts colored everything. I had to have been losing my mind, I was sure. I even called out to Jackie several times, hoping to hear her voice in my head, even if it was only my brain playing tricks on me. There was no response, and I finally gave up.

To say I was unbalanced that Sunday morning would have been an understatement. My sanity in doubt, I didn't even realize I'd gone downstairs and into the kitchen until Kira's face was looking at mine with concern. "Mom?"

"What?" I said evenly, suddenly leaning against the counter.

"You're naked..."

"What?" I repeated, not understanding her point.

"You're naked ... like, no clothes..."

"Oh." It meant nothing a moment. Kira rushed off and out of sight, and I stared out the kitchen window to where the fenced-in yard in the back of my house showed the day was well past dawn. I felt soft cloth slide over my shoulders and looked behind me. Kira had brought my robe and I raised my arms to let her put it on. She wrapped it and tied it off, covering my nakedness.

"Mom ... I'm really worried about you. I think I should call an ambulance."

"No, no ... I'm ... Nightmares again." I was very slowly getting my brain to work, felt ashamed a moment that I'd come downstairs without clothing. I could feel where juices from my vagina had dried on my inner thighs, and felt a rush of pleasure and loss to remember the delusion which had brought on those moments in the night. "I just need some coffee. And a shower."

I kissed Kira's forehead and she hugged me.

"I'm okay, Kira. Really. I know this looks ... weird, but I'm okay." I managed a weak smile. "You doing okay?"

She looked at me quietly a moment, then shrugged, "yeah, I'm ... okay ... just worried about you. You've been acting ... strange."

"I know. I think," I said, suddenly remembering the moment I found my panties in Dexter's room and the conversations I'd had with Kira about their games, "maybe I'm just trying to deal with everything, you know? I'm not mad at you or your brother, just ... need some time, I think. I'll be okay, just don't want you to worry, alright? Maybe we'll go collect him and go out for pizza later. How's that sound?"

Kira looked happier, smiling, "yeah, that would be cool. What time?"

"Say ... Two? I want to shower and do my hair. It's getting pretty ratty."

Kira looked up to the top of my head and ran a hand through my tousled auburn strands. "I can help. Would you do mine, too? I want to braid it."

"Of course, I'd love that. Call your brother, tell him we'll be by in a couple of hours to pick him up."

"Okay, I will ... you sure you're ok, Mom?"

"Yes," I lied, "Just need a shower."

"And coffee," Kira said, "I'll get some ready for you."

What confusion I'd felt that morning had washed out of me in the shower. Even as I'd lathered soap between my legs and through my butt crack, it was as if another set of hands was gently massaging my wet skin, soothing my worries. I couldn't help but think that my hallucinations of Jackie were leading me to seek out imaginary touches like those I shared with her as a young teen.

I picked up my son, and he completely avoided my eyes. I managed to push down my own anger and shame and made small talk with my children as we drove to the pizza place downtown. Dexter said little about his stay with his friend Donnie, commenting only that they'd played Xbox and swam in the boy's pool.

Kira was quiet, and Dex not much more talkative. I kept up a calm conversation about school as we ate.

It was after a long silence that Kira said quietly, "Mom ... who's Jacqueline?"

I nearly choked. "What?" I blurted out.

"Jacqueline? Who is she?"

"Wh-why?" My stomach turned over. I'd never discussed my sister because, until I started hearing her voice, I'd repressed my memories of her. I guess I had hidden them away, lost them, after what happened to her. I nearly burst into tears at just the hint that I might remember those horrible days.

Kira said, "because I found this..." She reached into her small, black purse and pulled out a folded piece of old note paper. My daughter handed it to me, her eyes watching solemnly.

I opened the letter and started reading.

I stared as the words burned into my buried memories. It brought back the day I'd told my sister that I thought I was in love with a boy.

By the time I turned sixteen and started my junior year of high school, I was a different girl than I'd been a couple of years earlier. I was more confident, had a few friends, and was starting to find myself more comfortable talking to boys.

My sister had gone away to college, and I'd lost her guidance and love just at the time when I was able to be myself and fit in, finally. It had been hard, for a few weeks, but my growing appreciation for my own body, thanks to the way my sister had built me up, helped me feel capable of making friends and experimenting with relationships.

I wrote Jacqueline a letter that Fall, letting her know about Niles, the boy I liked, thanking her for being a great sister, and asking her if she thought I should try to date my crush. She wrote back:

I was a little jealous, honestly, probably the first time I'd ever felt that in a romantic sense. The two years or so my sister and I played our games, she'd not dated anyone, and I was mostly too shy on my own. But the jealousy faded quickly, especially when I read, over and over, that she was coming home for Thanksgiving break.

I wrote back, letting her know that it was okay to see a guy and I thanked her for letting me talk to Niles. I told her that I was really looking forward to seeing her.

I also wrote that I knew that it changed things, and if I was going to see Niles, I wanted to be faithful to him. As much as I longed to feel Jackie's touch again, I had a buzzing excitement to think that Niles and I might make out. I'd already let him see my boobs, once, at a party, but it was just something we laughed off at the time, nothing overtly sexual. But he'd talked to me more and more, and I was becoming fiercely attracted to him.

While I awaited my sister's response, Niles asked me out and we had a couple of chaperoned dates before I got Jackie's last letter.

"Where did you find this?" I breathed. I felt butterflies and knots fighting in my stomach.

Kira replied, "in the attic, in that box with old pictures." She nodded towards the letter. "Was she your girlfriend?"

I swallowed hard and told a small, white lie by omitting the full truth. "Yes. In high school."

"You dated a girl?" Dexter said with an odd look on his face. "I never knew that."

"I did ... just her, though."

"What happened to her?"

I swallowed again, blocking those details from my mind. "We lost touch," I lied again, even as I forbid myself to dredge back up the truth.

"Oh," Kira said. "I just wondered..."

"Don't really want to talk about her ... sorry..." I said sadly. "Not right now."

"Okay..."

All night, I tried to stay awake, for the first time trying to will myself to bring on the hallucinations of my sister. No matter what I tried, she never spoke to me. I awoke the next day to the alarm clock buzzing. I had to work in ninety minutes, so I did my best to focus on getting dressed and seeing the kids off to school.

I knew I still needed to talk to Dexter and Kira about their games, and about my son taking my panties. But I was at a loss as to what to say. My anger had largely washed away since the sad moments thinking about my sister at the pizza joint.

Crazy or not, I was beginning to piece together something that had alluded me, something I'd buried for many years, something bringing my current concerns into a more complicated context.

What had happened between my son and my daughter was not even as intimate and incestuous as what my sister and I did together. As far as I knew, Kira and Dex were only trading panties and fluids indirectly. My sister and I ... we shared our bodies regularly.

I lay in bed that night after work, exhausted.

Do you worry, Penelope?

"Worry?" I said, a rush of excitement to sense my sister's presence again.

About the kids. Do you worry they'll suffer for what they do?

"I—I don't know what you mean..."

You blamed yourself, Penelope, before you forgot me. It wasn't your fault.

I felt dread, the pain of what happened trying to escape from its prison.

I don't want you to think about that right now ... please ... remember the good times instead...

For a few weeks after the moments we shared at the lake house, my sister and I spent nights together often, touching each other in sensitive places, kissing, feeling really good in moments sisters were not supposed to share. I knew that, of course, but I wasn't willing to let that stop what Jackie and I did. I loved her touch, and she loved mine.

At first, we only used our fingers, but Jackie soon showed me a new game.

"You are so wet, Penelope," my sister purred as she leaned in close to my pussy. "Can I taste it?"

I knew very little about sex, only really what Jackie and I had done together. The idea that she might lick me was odd at first. "I—I guess..."

I shivered as her tongue slid along my slick slit, soon panting as she repeated the wonderful licks. It felt incredible, so much more satisfying than her fingers, and that was saying something. I giggled it was so pleasant. She smiled up from between my legs, and I could see her tongue dragging along my hairy labia.

"Mmmm..." Jackie purred, "you taste amazing."

"Mmmm..." I purred in return, my hips rising against her face. Her tongue slid between my lips and I felt her probing my vagina where it drooled my slick juices. I came quickly when she returned to my clit and teased it so wonderfully with her tongue and lips.

For a few minutes, I struggled to breath, alternating panting and giggling. Jackie was delighted by my reaction and kissed me. I tasted myself on her lips, and I found I had wonderful musky, pungent flavor. It was the first time I'd ever tasted my own pussy, and my essence was smeared in and around my sister's mouth.

"Will you do me?" she said, laying on her back and spreading her legs, her panties already off her legs.

"Of course," I said, "tell me what to do..."

"Oh, I think you'll get it. I never licked a girl before just then, just saw a video or two, not too hard," she laughed.