Chapter 21: Julens

Chapter Cast:

Carrie Minberg, Female, 21
- Narrator, Bitterwood graduate
- Beige, freckled skin, 5'6, 140lbs, curly back-length dark-red or blue hair
Julens, Female, 21
- Junior at Harvard, Bitterwood graduate, French
- Light olive skin, 5'8, 140lbs, long silky black hair

Mom called me after Donnie left the next morning. She had news. She and Harry, her boyfriend, had decided to get married in two weeks. Not a ceremony, but she wanted me to be there. I felt rushed, was selfishly considering myself for a few moments. Short notice, and I'd only met the guy a couple of times. But in her voice, I heard a happiness that I knew came from how Harry made her feel, and I decided to tell her everything that had been going on with me for the first time.

I'd skirted the details a lot over the months. She knew I was no longer with Elise, but I'd never told her why. She knew I was staying in hotels and with Julens and Khepri. She knew that I never got the apartment she'd sent the money to pay for, but never knew what I did instead. Julens and Khepri had only been mentioned a time or too, so I let her know how much they'd helped me.

The California dreams Donnie had planted in my head made me really positive that morning, and it felt good to get those secrets out and let my mom judge me. She loved me and told me she'd do anything she could. She was so sorry about Elise, sorry that she hadn't flown up when I was so deeply depressed and drinking, and promised to send a nice care package for Julens and Khepri.

She was worried about my plans to move to California, though, not without justification. I knew no one there but Donnie. I'd saved only a little money from my job, and "it's damn expensive out there!" Mom had started using 'damn' in every sentence, I assume that came from Harry.

I agreed not to make a decision until I came back to Killeen for the wedding, though I knew in my mind I was already certain I was going.

Donnie had been a gentleman that morning, poured us both orange juice and brought it to bed. We kissed, briefly, a kindness between us, but nothing more. I hadn't fallen in love with him in one night. I hoped I was beyond those days. But I liked him, and was certainly interested in spending more time with him. He'd given me his phone number in Boston, and one for Berkeley, said to call when I'd decided.

The New Year was starting off pretty good, and I was doing everything I could mentally and emotionally to repair the last few months of heartache and loneliness and for a few minutes, I silently sent Elise an apology, my promise of eternal love, and a goodbye.

Mom loaned me the money to get started in California. It hadn't been easy to convince her. Harry saved me and argued that it would be a good experience for me, that it sounded like a reasonably safe situation, and he could help with a job if I needed one. His company owned two hundred data processing centers in the country, and they were always looking for employees.

I was only in town for three days. I attended the wedding, which was really just a few signatures and a kiss in front of a clerk, and hung out, dreaming of the West Coast.

I'd started drinking again, responsibly this time. I shared glasses of wine with Mom and Harry and thought about Donnie a bit. I liked what he represented to me. A new chance at romance, perhaps, but more importantly, he opened the door to my instinctive need to go new places, try new things. With Elise, I'd gotten comfortable, and the restless part of me that hated comfort saw a lot of possibilities with Donnie and California.

I returned for a week to Boston. I'd already put in a notice at work, and I'd let Donnie know I'd be there soon, even talked to his sister Lacy on the phone a couple of times. She seemed nice enough, and was eager to have a roommate again. Her last one had moved out in the night, left unpaid bills, and she'd been unable to find a new one to move in. I sent her a deposit to show I was serious, and she planned to pick me up in San Jose the evening I arrived.

Julens and Khepri were back and starting classes when I was there. They were both happy for me, and we shared a couple of bottles of wine after I'd convinced them I was no longer drinking to get drunk.

Khepri left to stay with her boyfriend on my last night in Boston, and with a couple of tears, I told her goodbye, and thanked her for being so kind to me when I was down and in need of help.

Julens and I drank wine and talked quietly on the porch. "Really leaving. You know, Carrie ... I was starting to get used to you being here. I'm really gonna miss you."

"I'll miss you too. Never meant to be a burden to you two, but I can't thank you enough for taking me in and setting me straight. I really needed a friend, and you came through. If I can ever repay that ... I'll do it with pleasure."

"I'll hold you to that. Listen, you sure about California? Sure that's what you want to do? I bet you could get back into Harvard, just explain things, you know? Sure you want to leave that pedigree behind you?"

"I'm sure. I need it, Julens, I ... After Elise, this place hasn't felt like home to me. Not your fault, you and Khepri did everything for me, just ... I don't know how to completely move on here. I wonder if I'll run into her, what I'd say. I've almost walked over to her place many times just to see if she might walk by. Just to see her. I can't keep those temptations over my head. I can't, it isn't fair to her, not fair to me, either."

"I get it. I think."

"And I'm ... restless. I dunno why. Elise saw that in me the first few weeks she knew me. She knew I'd never stay in one place long, with one lover long."

Julens said quietly, "and yet she took the chance anyway."

"Yes." It hurt to admit that she knew I'd hurt her and she still wanted to love me. "I ... I never want to do that to her again, don't want to make her believe in me only to break her heart. Never want to do that to anyone again. I think I'm done with serious relationships for a long time."