Chapter 51: Reconciliations, Part I

February 1981, Milford, Ohio

I went and knocked on Stephanie’s door. She called out for me to come in, so I opened the door. She was sitting at her desk doing homework.

“Do you have time to talk now, Squirt?” I asked softly.

“Always for you, Steve. Always,” she said, getting up from her desk and following me to my room.

I shut the door, and we sat side-by-side in the beanbag chairs. I held out my hand and Stephanie took it. I squeezed, and she squeezed back.

“I think I’ve figured everything out,” I said. “Well, as much as I think I possibly can. All of this is my fault, and I’m the only one to blame. I’m responsible for what I did, and for seriously damaging our relationship. I understand my motivation and why it happened, and I hope you’ll forgive me.

“It all comes down to a deep-seated fear that making love with you would change us in ways that we couldn’t predict or control. It was one thing to talk about it and plan it, but a very different thing to actually do it. As the time got closer, my subconscious panicked, afraid that by following through on what I had promised, I would ruin things forever between us.”

Stephanie squeezed my hand as a way of encouraging me to keep going. I took a deep breath and let it out.

“I was conflicted because I had given you my promise to do exactly what you wanted. At first, it was grudging, but eventually I accepted it, then, in the end, embraced it. Or so I thought, at least consciously. But my subconscious was thinking otherwise. I knew that breaking my promise to you would be devastating, so I needed to orchestrate a way of getting you to let me out of the agreement.

“Becky was the perfect way to do that. Having sex with her, then confessing it to you, would make you reject me. Once you broke things off, I was off the hook. The problem was, that involved me breaking my word to you, as well as to Jennifer, Bethany, and Kara. In the end, my subconscious rationalized that violation of trust as being less painful than simply telling you I couldn’t go through with it.

“I’m sure you remember how scared I was back when I first found out from Melanie and Jennifer what you wanted. Well, that fear apparently never went away. I simply pushed it down into my subconscious where it stayed, waiting for a way to get me out of a situation I had willingly put myself in but couldn’t really handle. When Becky showed up at the conference and made herself available, I jumped at the chance. And then I came home and told you, right away. I told Bethany, Jennifer and Kara.”

I paused for a moment to take a few breaths. Stephanie squeezed my hand again.

“The thing was,” I sighed, “rather than solving my problem, it made it worse. If I had simply told you I wasn’t going to do it because I was afraid of how it would affect us, it probably would have been easier to deal with than the outright breaking of your trust. It was foolish of me and I made a grave error. I should have talked to you about it, and maybe we could have worked it out. Maybe I could have overcome my fears. Now, well, I’ve pretty much ruined everything.

“The only thing I can do at this point, Squirt, is ask forgiveness from everyone. I’ve done that with Kara, I’ll do it with Bethany. I talked to Jennifer and told her that she’s the one that I want, the one that has first claim on my heart. She was worried about Karin, but that’s in the future, so I guess for now, we’re back on track. Will you forgive me?”

Stephanie got up and sat in my lap. She took my face in her hands and stared deeply into my eyes.

“I forgive you Big Brother. I love you more than anything in the world. I’m sorry you were so frightened that it led you to betray our trust. I don’t want you to ever be afraid to talk to me, Steve. It’s been horrible these last two weeks.”

She kissed me on the cheek, then the forehead, then the other cheek.

“I love you, Squirt,” I said, hugging her tight.

We sat that way for a few minutes, Stephanie in my lap, her head on my shoulder.

“So, where are we?” I asked.

“I don’t know for sure. Can you tell me, with certainty, what you want? Just the truth, Big Brother.”

“The truth is, with no reservations, that I want to make love with you,” I said softly.

“And the fear that things will change for the worse? What about that, Steve?”

“Squirt, things can always change for the worse. They can also always change for the better. We make a mistake only when we don’t do something that we know should make things better or don’t avoid something when we should know that it will most likely make things worse. We can’t let fear control us, or we’ll be frozen in place. The key is to control the fear, not to let it control us.”

“So, like, you’re concerned about how it will end up?” Stephanie asked. “That it could mess things up. But it could also make things better?”

“Yes, that’s right. But I did a good job of messing things up by being with Becky. Just like I messed them up when I was upset with Jennifer. In fact, now that I think of it, I might have been using the situation with Jennifer in the same way. You remember what I told you?”

“I do. And it hurt. A lot. But you were hurting yourself, and you were scared. I see your point, now. You let fear control you both times and bad stuff happened. It makes sense.”

I took a deep breath and let it out.

“What about Spring Break?” I asked.

“I don’t know. Let me think about it. It’s still three weeks away. I need some time, Big Brother.”

“That makes sense. I’ll give you all the time you need. And whichever way you decide, I’ll love you just as much.”

“Thanks,” she said, hugging me tight.

“Go do your homework, little sis. I have some to do as well.”

She got up and left, and I went to my desk. I finished my physics and chemistry homework, then pulled out the script for the play. Rehearsals would start the first week in March, which was just a week away, and I’d made arrangements with Mr. Herbers to have someone else cover the computer lab. Kara and Bethany were planning to come watch the rehearsals, and I’d take them home afterwards.

I slept soundly that night and strangely, after everything that I had decided, my dreams were of being married to Kara.

On Saturday, Stephanie and I swam and ate breakfast, after which I answered letters that had piled up over the last two weeks. I wrote to Sofia, Tina Hoff, Pia, and Tatyana, the Russian girl I had met in Austria. She was still in Leningrad while her dad was working in Moscow. I also had a letter from Suzana that I answered and addressed to her, then put it inside the same envelope as my letter to Sofia.

Once I finished the letters, I wrote a short paper on The Scarlet Letter for my Junior English class and then read more of All the King’s Men for my thesis, which I knew I had to start soon. I’d found some critical sources that I would use to flesh out my analysis, so really, I was ready to start writing at any point.

Kara hadn’t called by lunchtime, but that didn’t really concern me. I knew she needed time to think, and I was fine with that. I played some pool, played a few video games, and otherwise just goofed off around the house. It was nice to just relax and not really worry about anything. I wasn’t worried about Jennifer, Kara, Bethany, or Stephanie. I was, happily, at peace and things were stable. I’d avoided my mom as much as possible, knowing that in six months, I’d be gone, out of the house, for good, if everything worked as I hoped it would.

Around 2:30pm, when Kara still hadn’t called, I called Bethany to see if she’d like to have breakfast Sunday morning. She said that she’d love to, so I promised to pick her up at 8:00am. We didn’t talk beyond making the date and I decided to mess around on my computers. I hadn’t done much game programming in quite some time, so I started working on improving the old Star Trek game I had written on the TRS-80.

Kara finally called at 4:15pm and asked me to pick her up at 5:00pm. I showered and dressed, then let Dad know I was heading out. I drove to Kara’s house and walked up, and rang the bell. I wasn’t surprised when Mr. Blanchard opened the door and invited me in. We went into the living room and sat down.

“Steve, is everything OK between you and Kara? She seems a bit upset, but she won’t tell us what’s going on.”

“We had a small spat, Sir,” I replied. “It’s nothing serious, actually. She kind of got involved in a disagreement my sister and I had and felt she might be responsible. She’s not, of course. It’s just one of those things between brothers and sisters. I guess Kara doesn’t know because she’s an only child.”

“That might explain it. Is everything OK between your sister and you?”

“Yes, we’ve worked it out. We always do. Stephanie and I are pretty close, even though I’m the oldest and she’s the youngest. She really likes Kara, so that’s a big plus.”

“You need your sister’s approval on who you date?” Mr. Blanchard chuckled.

“No, of course not,” I said with a smile, “but it’s a good thing when she likes the girl I’m seeing.”

Kara came into the room and, with a nod from Mr. Blanchard, I stood up and she greeted me with a quick kiss on the lips. I saw Mr. Blanchard’s face out of the corner of my eye and could tell he was uncomfortable, but I’d leave that particular issue to Kara. She took my arm, and we walked out to the car. I helped her in, then got into the driver’s seat and started the engine.

“So, where to?”

“Las Vegas! We can get married!” she giggled.

“Neither of us is eighteen, so that won’t work,” I said with a laugh.

“Well, then straight to the honeymoon!” she said, giggling again.

I put the car in gear and headed towards the apartment.

“So where are we?” I asked.

“Together,” Kara said firmly. “We’ll take it one day at a time. As long as you promise me to tell me before you do anything so I can decide what to do, we’ll be fine. Once you cross the line, you’re thinking of crossing, it’s a different story.”

“I understand. As of right now, there is no line to be crossed. Stephanie forgave me, but she hasn’t changed her mind. So, as of right now, there’s nothing to worry about.”

“Good!” Kara said, brightly. “I truly hope it stays that way.”

If it wasn’t for Jennifer, I might actually agree with Kara. Crossing the line with Stephanie would, in all likelihood, end any chance of having a long-term relationship with Kara. But, I had re-committed to Jennifer and that meant that by the end of the Summer, Kara and I would break up. That was something that needed to be dealt with.

“You do remember that I still have my plans with Jennifer in the Fall?” I asked.

“I do. But I also agree with Joyce and Bethany. Let’s just take everything one day at a time and see where things lead. I told you once before that I only needed one promise from you, and that was that when you are ready to think about marriage, most likely when you graduate from college, that you’ll get in touch with me and see what happens. I have no illusions that it’s a sure thing by any stretch. You know it’s what I want, but I also know that’s a long time from now. If I agreed with my dad, and was going to get married next year, it would be a different thing. That’s not going to happen no matter what he wants!”

It was basically the same request Bethany had. And effectively what Joyce was doing.

“You have my word on that!”

“And if I go to one of the schools in Chicago, we’ll have a chance to see each other, at least from time to time, even if it’s just friends in the interim. Just keep your promise.”

“I will,” I said, parking the car at the apartment building.

We walked inside and took off our jackets and shoes. I took Kara in my arms and kissed her deeply. She sighed into my mouth as our tongues intertwined, much as our bodies shortly would.

Kara broke the kiss and whispered, “Make me naked and love me, Steve.”

I slowly and carefully removed Kara’s blouse, then her jeans and socks. I removed her pink bra and panties and she stood naked before me, her beautiful body just waiting to be loved. I removed my clothing, dropping it in a pile next to hers and led her to the bed. We lay down next to each other and kissed for several minutes. I slid down slightly and, using my lips and tongue, explored her firm breasts, paying special attention to the engorged, pink nipples. Kara held my head in her hands gently as I licked and sucked her breasts.

Although I was reluctant to leave those perfect mounds, the place where I really wanted my tongue to be was quite a bit further down her body. I kissed my way down her stomach and ran my lips over her pubic hair, allowing the soft, fine hairs to tickle them. I blew gently across Kara’s mons, causing her to shiver slightly. A gentle kiss at the top of her slit elicited a soft moan.

“Oh Steve, please! You know what I want!” Kara exclaimed, her voice dripping with desire as her labia were dripping with juices.

I moved between Kara’s legs and softly licked her from the bottom of her labia to the top, getting a hint of her fantastic flavors. I slowly and deliberately pressed my tongue between her labia and dragged them from top to bottom.

“Yes!” Kara hissed.

I moved my mouth so that my tongue could probe her entrance and gently pushed it inside her, her juices flowing freely around it. I began licking, kissing and sucking and Kara’s hand touched the back of my head, gently pushing my face into her fresh, young pussy. Kara began slowly bucking her hips as her arousal grew, soft moans escaping between her lips. I moved my face slightly and ran the tip of my tongue around her small clit, causing Kara to groan and pull me even more firmly with her hands. She shuddered and there was a small gush of liquid from her pussy.