Chapter 46: Dumb Boy, Part III

January 1981, Milford, Ohio

“Tell me, Steve, why the fuck I should even think about having sex with a stupid bastard like you?”

“Because we love each other, Stephanie.”

“Didn’t I tell you that if you fucked Becky, I would never sleep with you? And you did it anyway, didn’t you?”

“Yes, you did. And I did. I screwed up. I know I did. What can I do to make it up?”

“Steve!” she said, waving off my words, “What exactly does that conniving bitch have that you would be willing to throw away your life for her? You never said she was the best fuck, that she did things for you nobody else did, that you loved her more than anyone else. It’s not like she has the best body, hell, compared to Kara, Becky is a dog! Shit. Compared to Kara, all the rest of us are just average at best.”

“That’s not true, Stephanie. You are beautiful!”

“If I stripped down right now and had Kara right next to me, I’d look like yesterday’s used newspaper.”

“And yet, Stephanie Adams, you are far more beautiful in my eyes than any other girl on the planet.”

She smiled grudgingly, “Thanks. But I’m still trying to figure out what it is with Becky. She wasn’t your first, that was Jennie. She wasn’t your first true love, that was Birgit. She wasn’t your first long-term girlfriend, that was Jennifer, though an argument could be made for Melanie. Becky deceived you into getting her pregnant. She had an abortion without talking to you when you had agreed she’d keep the baby. You’ve had better sex with Katt for sure, and probably Jennifer and Melanie. I don’t get it!”

“Neither do I,” I sighed. “I’ve been wracking my brain for the past two days trying to figure it out. I mean, I totally understand why Saturday night happened. She used the fact that I was distraught about Kara and you and Jennifer and Bethany to basically convince me that it didn’t matter. But Friday, I just don’t get it. I was doing fine then all of a sudden, we danced close, she kissed me and five minutes later we were ripping our clothes off and fucking.”

“Jesus, Steve! You made so much progress. Then one slow dance and one kiss and you’re fucking her? Argh! It makes me crazy just to think about it!”

“So now what?”

“I don’t know. What are you going to do?”

“Confess to Kara. I’ll take her out tomorrow after dinner and tell her the whole sordid tale. She doesn’t know about my past with Becky, but I’m going to have to tell her everything.”

“Wow!” She sighed. “That’s going to be a shitty conversation for sure. I’m sure she’ll break up with you.”

“I’m positive she will. And the conversation with Bethany isn’t going to go any better. I think I’ll take her aside at lunch and tell her. She’ll be pissed, but not devastated, the way Kara is going to be. If I’m lucky, Kara will just hit me like you did.”

“I’m sorry. I should never have hit you,” Stephanie said softly.

“I deserved it.”

“Yes, you did, but I still shouldn’t have done it.”

She walked over to me and kissed me on the cheek, in the spot where I was sure a bruise was forming. It was a soft, loving kiss.

“Thanks, Squirt,” I said, hoping she’d allow me to use that name.

She smiled, “I love you, Big Brother.”

“I love you too, Steph.”

“I’ll help you pick up the pieces. There’s going to be a lot of them.”

“What about Spring Break?” I asked, pensively.

“I don’t know. You hurt me pretty badly and right now I’m extremely disappointed in you. I’m not sure we should take that step at this point.”

I hung my head, “I’m sorry,” I said softly, tears rolling down my face.

“Steve?” Stephanie said gently.

“Yes?”

“It will be OK. It just will take time. I’ll always love you, even if we never end up making love.”

“I know,” I said as she left the room.

I sat there for a few minutes, crying, then stripped off my clothes and got into bed. Sleep refused to come easily, and I tossed and turned the entire night.

On Monday morning, I was pleased to see Stephanie in her swimsuit, ready to swim laps with me.

“Wow, Steve, I’m really sorry. That’s a nasty bruise on your face.”

“It’s OK, Squirt, I deserved it. It’ll remind me of just how stupid I was.”

“No, it’s not OK. I hurt you, physically. I was wrong.”

I shrugged, waved my hand, she may have been wrong to hit me, but I deserved it.

“I did the one thing that you had told me never to do. You warned me repeatedly. And now I’m paying the price for it. Let’s swim.”

We swam our laps and after we took our showers and dressed, we met in the kitchen for breakfast.

“You ready for today?”

“No, I’m not. But I have to get through it.”

“I’ll see you tonight, no matter how late you get home from talking to Kara.”

“It might be the world’s shortest date.”

She just nodded.

We finished breakfast in silence, cleaned up, and went to pick up Debbie and Mary for the drive to school. Bethany was waiting by the door for me as she usually did.

“Steve! What happened to your face?”

“It’s a long story. I’ll tell you everything at lunch. Meet me in the computer lab for lunch, please.”

“I suppose,” she said apprehensively.

I really couldn’t say more to her at that point because I didn’t want the conversation cut short by the tardy bell.

My first two classes seemed to move quickly, as I was sure that the clock did for condemned men on death row on their last day alive. That’s how I felt today. I would keep a good front for Kara in chemistry, but the bruise on my cheek would tell its own story.

When the third period bell rang, I got up to walk to chemistry class. I felt sick to my stomach and seriously thought about going to the office and saying I was sick. I’d had near perfect attendance since 8th grade and nobody would question me not feeling well. I stopped at the drinking fountain and gulped down some cold water. It didn’t help, so I went into the bathroom and splashed cold water on my face. That didn’t help either. As I walked to Mrs. Brewer’s class, I took several deep breaths and slowly let them out.

I had timed it perfectly. I sat down next to Kara just as the tardy bell rang. She gasped slightly.

“What happened?” she whispered.

“I’ll tell you tonight. OK if I pick you up after dinner?” I whispered back.

“Lunch?” she asked quietly.

I shook my head no when Mrs. Brewer looked in our direction.

When class ended, Kara grabbed my arm and asked, “Why not lunch, Steve?”

“I have to talk to Bethany. I’ll pick you up at 7:00pm because I have to go to my counseling session after school.”

“OK,” she said, gently stroking my face.

I went to Miss Barkhurst’s class and sat in my usual seat. When Dona Bingham walked in, she took a look at me and stopped.

“I should have done that for what you did to me, Steve Adams. It serves you right and whatever girl did that probably was treated the same way I was!” she growled and walked to her seat.

It just got better and better. Dona had no idea what had happened and still managed to stick the knife in and twist it hard. Once again, the clock seemed to move too quickly, and the bell rang for lunch. I got my lunch and went to the computer lab to meet Bethany. I wasn’t sure I’d be able to eat my lunch, given the acid chewing at my stomach lining.

I arrived first and unlocked the door and went in. Before I could sit down, Bethany came in.

“What’s going on, Steve?” she asked. “Who hit you?”

“Stephanie. And it was richly deserved.”

“What could you have done that would cause your little sister to slap you that hard across the face?”

“Becky,” I said hoarsely.

“What?” Bethany gasped in shock.

“She was at the convention.”

“No! You didn’t! You wouldn’t!” Bethany exclaimed, tears rolling down her cheeks, her hands cupping her mouth. “Not her! No!”

“Yes, Bethany, I did. That’s why I deserved to have Stephanie slap me.”

She looked at me for a moment, her face turning from shock to anger.

“What the hell were you thinking? You were done with her! Why did you let that little bitch back into your life? Why?”

“I talked to her, and I thought I had everything under control. It all fell apart when she managed to get me onto the dance floor for a slow dance.”

“She manipulated you. Again! You can’t even talk to her! You can’t be in the same god dammed room with her! Hell, you shouldn’t even be in the same fucking state as that girl!”

I sighed inwardly. I figured telling Bethany about Becky going to college in the Chicago would be a bad idea at that moment.

“I know,” I said, my voice barely audible.

“You fucking know! And what? You fucked her and sent her away happy? Did you at least use a rubber? Or were you a complete fucking idiot?”

“I used a rubber every time.”

“Every time? You did it more than once? Holy shit, Steve! That wasn’t just a mistake. Forgiving a ‘heat of the moment’ fuck might be remotely possible, given your history. But doing it more than once? No, that’s a whole different story.”

“It’s worse than that. That happened Friday night. On Saturday, we screwed all night again.”

“Oh for fuck’s sake! You are lucky we aren’t involved right now, Steve Adams. Very lucky. If we were, well, I’d call it cheating and THAT I can’t tolerate! It’s one thing to be open, it’s a whole different thing with that girl. One thing is for sure — we are not getting back together any time soon, even if you and Kara don’t work out. Have you at least had the decency to tell her?”

“I will, tonight. I figured school was not the place to do that.”

“That’s probably wise. She’s going to be very, very upset. I’d make sure she didn’t have any sharp instruments or firearms with her or near her. In her position, I’d probably feed you through a food processor, dick first.”

“I expect it to be ugly. But I have to tell her and take my lumps.”

“You sure took one from Stephanie, that’s for sure. She hit you hard enough to leave a bruise.”

“I know. But that wasn’t the worst thing she did. She’s called off our Spring Break plans.”

“Well, no shit, you fucking idiot! She told you before that if you touched Becky again, you could never touch her. You really messed up this time.”

“I know. I’m almost afraid to ask, but are we still going to Prom?”

She sighed. “I, unlike you, can keep my word. Yes. But if you think I’m staying the night with you in a hotel, you’re dumber than I thought.”

Her words really hit home. I had broken my word. That’s what had my best friends up in arms. And rightly so. That’s what had Pete so upset before — the threat that I would break my word. Now I’d actually done it. And I was paying the price.

“I love you Bethany,” was all I could say.

“Maybe you do. That remains to be seen. If you loved me, Jennifer, Stephanie, and Kara the way you say you do, you would never have done this. Think about that, Steve Adams. Think long and hard about that.”

She got up and headed for the door.

“I’m going to finish my lunch with our friends. I’d advise you to stay the fuck away from the lunch table for a few days.”

“Why?”

“Because there’s going to be a lot of people pissed at you when this gets out.”

“What do you mean?”

“Once you tell Kara, I’m going to make sure that everyone knows what a cad you are!”

“Please don’t do that! Please?”

“You can’t be trusted at this point. The girls need to know that.”

“Look, I made a huge mistake. I know I did. Please don’t do that. Please.”

She crossed her arms and looked at me, “I’ll tell you what. You tell Kara, then call me. I’ll talk to her and Stephanie and then the three of us will decide your fate together. Your sister, your best friend, and your lover. But you will accept whatever we decide, Steve Adams. And that’s over and above Kara breaking up with you, which you know is going to happen.”

“I know. Let me talk with Kara. Larry knows, by the way. I told him last night at his grandfather’s house.”

She nodded and left the room. I gathered up my lunch and left the computer lab. My stomach was in such turmoil that I dropped everything in the trash. I walked outside to get some fresh air. The temperature was warm for January, in the mid-50s. I stood staring across the street at Melanie’s house, tempted to walk there and sit in the sauna rather than going back to class. The problem with doing that was that it would lead to a call to my parents and give my mom cause to apply some form of punishment.

When the bell rang, I turned and went back inside and finished out the day. I dropped the girls at their homes and went to my appointment with Doctor Mercer. I explained the whole sordid tale for her. I didn’t do any better at explaining why I had done it to Doctor Mercer than I had to Stephanie, Jennifer, or Bethany. She pressed me pretty hard to answer that question, saying that until I understood why I was doing it, I wouldn’t be able to change my behavior. I agreed with her because it was pretty obvious to me that I was unable to break whatever it was that drew me to Becky.

“Steve, do you know the mythology surrounding the Succubus and the Siren?”

“Yes, Doctor. The Succubus would entice men to engage in sex and eventually draw the life out of them. The Sirens would lure men to their deaths by singing.”

“Yes. And while I doubt you believe in such things, they provide a metaphor for this young woman that is quite accurate. Our ancient friends had interesting ways of describing the human condition with their tales. And you seemed to have discovered this yourself. Your girlfriend might think that this girl is a demon, but we both know that she’s just a girl. For some reason, you’re drawn to her to your own detriment. Figure that out, Steve, and you’ll be able to solve it.”

“I’ve been wracking my brain, Doctor Mercer, and I can’t for the life of me figure out why.”

“Well, before, when you were being promiscuous, she was available, and you two engaged in mutually satisfying sex, isn’t that right?”

“Yes.”

“Then she got pregnant and created a bond between you, one that you seem still to honor, despite the abortion.”

“I suppose so, yes.”

“That’s where you need to focus, then. That bond, that link, has to be broken in your mind. Until it is, you’ll be susceptible to her siren song. Staying away from her is good, but as you’ve seen, you could run into her at any moment.”

“She’s going to the Chicago area for college, the same as me,” I sighed.

“Then I suggest you try very hard to find a way to break that link between the two of you. Otherwise, if you run into her again, you’ll likely see the same result with the same disastrous consequences you seem to be facing now. As for your other relationships, you’ve broken an important trust. It’s going to take time for your friends and your sister to trust you again. And your girlfriend, well, I’m afraid you’re right about her breaking up with you.

“I’ll give you some important advice; advice that I hope you’ll take. Don’t rush into another relationship with anyone, as tempting as it might be. I know your history and you have a way of simply drawing young girls to you. That’s the last thing you or they need right now. Spend time with your friends, but take your time before you start dating anyone.”

I nodded my head to indicate that I understood what she was saying, but didn’t answer her out loud. Our time was up at that point, and she told me to call her if I needed anything after talking to Kara. I promised I would.

At dinner, I barely ate, my stomach still churning and my head throbbing, both from the bruise and the thoughts swirling around in my head. When I finished eating the very small portions I had taken, I went to my room to try to calm down before I left. I took a shower, took two Anacin, brushed my teeth and dressed in black slacks and a royal blue polo. I grabbed a light coat and headed to my car.

“Good luck, Big Brother,” Stephanie said as I walked past her.

“Thanks,” I said.

I arrived at Kara’s a few minutes early, as was my usual practice. I was happy when Kara came to the door and we left immediately, without me seeing her parents.

“I didn’t want my dad to see your bruise, Steve. I wasn’t sure what happened and figured it was better if you told me first.”

“I will. We need to talk privately, so I planned to go to the apartment. Is that OK with you?”

“Well, of course! I like going there with you! I like what we do there!” she giggled.

I smiled. I really didn’t want to get into the discussion until we were safely inside and alone. Kara, most likely sensing something was wrong, was silent for the five minutes it took us to get to the apartment building and park. We walked inside and I immediately put the tea kettle on the stove to heat some water.