Chapter 41: Firsts, Part II

January 1981, Milford, Ohio

In chemistry class, Kara reminded me about our date.

“As if I would forget!” I challenged. “I’ll pick you up at 5:00pm as promised! How about Chinese food tonight?”

“That sounds good,” she said.

“I have quite a few things to talk to you about, too!”

“Did my dad give you the third degree?”

“Kind of, but it’s more than that,” I said.

The bell rang, preventing any further conversation. At lunch, I talked to Bethany.

“I asked Elyse to go to the Sweetheart Dance with me. I’m hoping that’s OK with you.”

“We’re not dating,” Bethany said. “I want you to have a date for the dance. You going with Elyse is just fine.”

“Will you go to Prom with me? We have plans, remember?” I asked hopefully.

She laughed. “I know we do. I’ll tell you this — I’ll go to Prom with you. The other stuff depends on if we get back together.”

“If?” I asked with a frown.

“If, Steve. I know you’re planning on getting back together with Jennifer in the Fall. I’m not sure it’s a good idea for you and me to be a couple, even if we’re not steady, if that’s going to happen.”

“I miss you a lot.”

“Enough to forget Jennifer?” Bethany asked.

She had me there. I simply looked down at the floor for a moment.

“No,” I said slowly. “I’m sorry.”

“It’s OK. I knew that was probably going to happen. I’m not mad at you or even upset with you. It’s just until that whole thing is resolved, it makes sense to just be friends. But we’ll go to Prom. And maybe, just maybe, if you’re a good boy, I’ll screw your brains out that night,” she giggled.

“Count on it!” I said, my attitude suddenly much better.

After school, I headed home and did my homework, then dressed for my date with Kara. I picked her up promptly at 5:00pm and was a little surprised when she came to the door rather than her dad. It had happened before, so I didn’t think too much of it. We headed back towards Beechmont Avenue, but this time our destination was a small Chinese place I knew.

“Kara, can I ask you some questions about your parents?”

“Sure,” she replied. “But first, what did my dad say to you?”

“Well, the most important question was what were my intentions towards you. Given you’re going out with me tonight, I’m guessing that I passed muster!”

“I’m sorry that Dad ambushed you like that. It wasn’t fair. But I can’t control him, as I’m sure you know.”

“He made it very clear, also, that I’m not to do anything with you that he doesn’t approve of!”

“What did he say?”

“Well, he said that he’d seen you kiss me on the cheek and that he hoped I understood the limits. Of course, that was after basically asking if I planned to marry you.”

“What?!” Kara asked, sounding concerned.

“OK, he wasn’t quite that blunt, but it was clear that’s what he was asking. I told him I couldn’t even think about that until I got out of college and got a job. As much as he wanted me to give a different answer, he couldn’t really argue with that one.”

“And about the kissing thing?”

“That was a tough one. I won’t lie, but I did manage to deflect the question in a way that seemed to at least keep him from throwing me out on my ear. I told him that I respected you and would never ask you to do anything that went against your beliefs. He pushed me a bit, and I told him that I wasn’t going to judge anyone else and that I was going to follow Jesus’ command to do unto others, and so on. That pushed the conversation away from a very dangerous topic for me and he seemed to at least accept I understood what he was saying.”

“I’m really sorry,” Kara said.

“Don’t be,” I said. “He’s doing what he thinks he needs to do to protect you and take care of you. And overall, based on what I saw at your house, both you and your mom are OK with that. Which is what I want to ask you about.”

“Dad is very traditional and conservative. He thinks cooking, cleaning, dishes, and laundry are women’s work, and the only reason a man might do them is if he was required to do it for some reason, like guys in the military, or someone who wasn’t married. Given he thinks we should get married as soon as I graduate, that wouldn’t be for very long.”

“He thinks we should get married? Really?” I said, pulling onto the expressway.

She giggled, “No, that came out wrong. If we were to be a couple, he’d want us to get married as soon as I graduated from High School. I’m pretty sure he’s afraid that if I go away to college, I might succumb to temptation.”

“I’d say he’s off by about a year and a half, if you ask me,” I said with a smile.

“You have no idea about temptation, Steve! You’ve been doing stuff for almost four years, since you were fourteen.”

I did actually know quite a bit about it because of Stephanie, but that was a topic that I could never broach with Kara, and that, in and of itself, was a reason that I couldn’t see myself with Kara long-term, no matter how much I liked her and how gorgeous she was. At least I agreed with Stephanie on one thing with regard to Kara — that she was ‘smoking hot’.

“I know a bit about it,” I said. “But I guess it’s more difficult for you because I never really had the moral struggle that you have.”

“What else did dad have to say?” Kara asked.

“He asked about my parents,” I said, explaining for her what I had told her dad.

“Wow, I didn’t know that stuff. Will I get to meet your parents someday?”

“Yes, absolutely,” I said, though I worried a bit about my mom, as always.

“Are you doing anything tomorrow?” she asked.

“I don’t have any plans.”

“Good. Maybe we can do something. We can talk about that later, though.”

“What did your dad say to you?” I asked.

“Not much. He does like you, but of course he’d be a lot happier if you were going to our church or one like it.”

“That’s not likely, and you know it, for a bunch of reasons. The ‘Holy Rollers’ table last semester made clear to me why I want to stay far away from a church like yours. I’d only get into trouble or cause trouble because I could never condone withholding information about sex from my kids. In fact, I plan to raise my kids more in a Swedish style than an American one.”

“What do you mean by that?” Kara asked.

“Well, Swedish parents are more open and permissive than most American parents. They give their kids a lot of latitude and freedom to make their own decisions. And, for the most part, they let the kids run their lives once they get to be teenagers. I plan to do that.”

“Isn’t that dangerous?” she asked.

“For whom? For me? Or for the kids? It’s only dangerous if you don’t teach your kids how to be responsible and make good decisions. I’m not talking about letting them do anything and everything, but decisions about what to wear, how to fix their hair, that kind of thing, start early. The same with responsibility. That means chores like doing laundry and dishes, both for girls AND boys. As they get older, decisions about what classes to take, and, eventually, it’s up to them if and when to have sex. When I lived in Sweden, I spent the night at my girlfriends’ houses quite often, with the full knowledge and blessings of their parents!”

“What?!” Kara gasped in surprise.

“Kara,” I said gently, “not only that, but we talked openly about it with their parents. It’s not a hidden thing like it is here. You know I went to Indianapolis and Columbus to see my Swedish friend, who is an ice dancer. Well, her parents booked us our own hotel room. Neither of us asked them to do it, they just did it. And Katt, that’s her name, said things like ‘He curls my toes, dad’ to her father.”

“No way!” Kara exclaimed in disbelief.

“It’s true. I didn’t have to sneak around at all in Sweden. I traveled a couple of hours by train once a month to see my girlfriend Pia and stay with her for the weekend at her parents’ apartment. For the last four months I was there, I stayed just about every weekend with Katt in her room.”

“No wonder Josh is so hyped to go on the exchange program,” Kara laughed. “I meant to tell you he put in an application already. He made Sweden his first choice because that’s where you went.”

“He’ll have a great time. And his parents won’t know how to deal with him when he comes back!”

I pulled into the parking lot of the restaurant.

“But you were already like that. Well, except for having to sneak around.”

“Kind of. Melanie’s parents were just fine with it, because their attitudes are closer to Swedish ones than American ones. Jennifer’s parents accepted it, but didn’t approve. The same was true for Becky’s parents.”

“Becky?”

“A girl I dated for a while during my Freshman year. Ancient history at this point.”

“OK. And who are you sleeping with now, Steve?” she asked, her voice holding a hint of accusation.

“Nobody, actually.”

“What? Are you serious?”

“Yes, I’m serious! I don’t have a girlfriend right now and the girls I’m hanging out with are just friends. And I mean that in the way you would understand it. Friends.”

“Including me? Am I ‘just a friend’?”

A VERY dangerous question that I had no clue how to answer.

“Can we just say we’re exploring and leave it at that? Please? Let’s eat, OK?”

“OK,” she said pensively.

We got out of the car and went into the restaurant. We were seated fairly quickly, and both ordered beef dishes with lots of vegetables. They served us tea, and we drank while we waited for our food. Our food was ready in less than ten minutes. They also brought us a bowl of white rice to share. We dug in, me using chopsticks, and Kara using a fork.

“You can use those? Wow! I never could figure it out.”

“I learned a few years ago. Once you practice, it’s easy. Like pretty much everything in life.”

She giggled, “I bet!”

“Oh stop it!” I said playfully.

“Sorry, it’s just with your history, well, it was funny.”

“Yeah, I can see that. So what else did your dad say about me?”

“He was very concerned about you asking me to the dance, but when he told you ‘no’ and you didn’t argue with him, he felt better about it. You seemed to know exactly the right thing to say to him.”

“I have lots of experience with parents, and have always dealt really well with adults, well, except my mom.”

“It she REALLY as bad as you say?”

“Sadly, yes, she is. No matter what I do, she doesn’t approve. She’s wanted to control my life since I was little. When I turned fourteen, I basically started asserting myself and she hated it. I’ve spent the last four years fighting her for control of my life. Fortunately, my dad has taken my side more often than not. Most importantly, I went to Sweden for a year and found out just how to run my life and to deal with all kinds of stuff.

“It also helped that I had a good job before I left and started my company with Beth. That let me buy my car and my computers. Mom had a fit about both of those, but especially the car. She had wanted to be able to take my car keys away to control me, but now she can’t do that. Of course, she made it clear that I can’t expect any support from her for college, but I don’t need it.”

“But how are you going to pay for it, then? Does your business make that much money?”

“Probably not, but my boss from my other job will help with tuition if I need it. I also applied for some scholarships and my grades are good enough I should get some. I don’t need anything from my parents, though my dad would help if I asked him. I won’t, though. I have to do this my way.”

“That’s actually pretty cool. My dad is impressed by that stuff. He’d love for us to be a couple.”

“Yes, and by ‘couple’ he would mean engaged and married in less than two years when you graduate!”

“Would that be so bad, Steve Adams?”

“Kara,” I sighed, “it’s not that it would be bad, but I really think I’m going to end up with Jennifer.”

“She’s in Seattle.”

“Yes, for now. But we’ll be in Chicago together in the Fall. That’s why I’m not looking for a girlfriend.”

She sighed, “I think we’d be great together. We get along really well and have a lot in common.”

“But I could never go to your church, and we have very different world views.”

“I know that! But you’re the first guy I’ve ever gotten to know who is anything like what I think a guy should be like. Most of the guys in church are like Josh. He’s a wimp and mostly afraid of his own shadow!”

“Is your dad like that?”

“Honestly? Yes, he is, to a point. He’s strong when he’s protecting me, but otherwise, he’s a total pushover. My mom controls him pretty effectively. I don’t like that. I’m not saying the guy should be an ogre, but he should be confident and strong and not take guff from anyone. Heck, most of the guys at school are more like Josh than like you!”

“You’re getting way ahead of yourself. We’re going on dates. That’s all.”

“Yes, I know. And I’m trying to tell you why I like you and why I like being with you. I know it’s a long shot and it might never happen, but at least don’t say never!”

“OK, on that, we can agree. I rarely say never when the future is involved. I’m taking things one day at a time and trying to achieve my goals. Each day I ask what can I do to further my goals, or at least not mess them up. I learned over the last couple of years that if I try to think too far into the future, all I do is obsess and mess things up. So I have long-term goals, but not long-term plans. Does that make sense?”

“It does.”

We finished eating, and they brought us ginger cookies and fortune cookies. As was my style, I had Kara pick her fortune cookie first. I found that if I let everyone else take one, I got a better fortune. I cracked open my cookie and started laughing.

“What’s it say that’s so funny?”

“It says, ‘Opportunity is at hand, seize it’.” I chuckled.

“Why is that funny?”

“It’s a long story. I can tell you on the way home. What’s your fortune?”

“‘A pleasant experience is at hand; don’t pass it by’,” she said, turning red.

I laughed again. I didn’t stop laughing as I paid the bill and left the tip and we walked out to the car.

“Why are you laughing so hard?”

“The combination of fortunes,” I said as I held the car door open for her.

I got in the car and pulled out of the lot. I told her about Birgit and Melanie and the picture with the word ‘Opportunity’ on it.

“Hold on. Your Swedish girlfriend set you up with the girl in the family she lived with? Even though you were madly in love? That makes no sense.”

“Apparently it did to Birgit. And I understand now, years later, what she was trying to do. She knew we both had to grow up and the only way that could happen for me was to date and do stuff. In order to make sure I didn’t just pine away for her, she set up the situation with Melanie. It worked quite well. Sadly, Birgit died before she could see the results. Of course, your fortune made you turn red, so I know what you were thinking!”