Chapter 31: Fallout, a Party, and a Dance, Part I

October/November, 1980, Milford, Ohio

I didn’t know for sure what to expect when I walked into chemistry class on Wednesday. I had tossed and turned in bed and hadn’t slept well because I couldn’t get the situation with Kara out of my head. It was going to be a mess, no matter what happened. That was the only thing I was sure of.

“Hi, Steve,” Kara said quietly.

“Hi, Kara,” I answered, not looking her in the eye.

“What’s wrong?”

“I told you last night what was wrong and what would happen.”

“Stop beating yourself up!” Kara said firmly. “Have lunch with me today and talk to me, open and honest. Please?”

“OK,” I said, still not making eye contact with her.

I had a hard time concentrating on the lesson Mrs. Brewer was giving and was glad that I had papers to grade in Miss Barkhurst’s class. When I walked into the lunchroom, I pulled Bethany aside and let her know that I needed to have lunch with Kara. She was a bit surprised, but I said I’d explain later. I found Kara, and we went to the computer lab for some privacy. I closed and locked the door behind us and we sat down facing each other.

“Kara, what are you doing?” I asked.

“I’m going to be honest with you,” she said with a smile. “Just listen to me, and then you can speak. I’m totally confused by you, in many, many ways. It sounds like a cliché, but I’ve never met anyone like you. You know the Bible better than my youth pastor, but you carry on sinfully having sex with pretty much anyone who asks. Then, I ask you to kiss me and you struggle with doing that, despite your reputation, one which you yourself admit is true.

“I’m also totally confused by me. You’re right, I think what you do is sinful. I think you’re dangerous. But I also think you’re sweet and kind and loving. Kissing you made me tingle and think about doing things I know are wrong. But I want to keep kissing you, even though I know it’s dangerous and where it might lead. I don’t see myself ever doing that until I’m married, and yet, I know if I carry on with you, I might do it.

“And that’s the problem. I want to kiss you more, but I know I shouldn’t. When you pulled me against you, it made my body respond in ways I’d never felt before. I don’t know what to do. I should stay away from you. I should never kiss you again. I should get up and walk out of here right now. But I can’t. I want to kiss you again. Right now,” she sighed.

Her hands were on the table. I was tempted to hold them, as if by doing that I could transfer to her the feelings I had about how bad things could be. But that would have sent the opposite message, and would confuse her, or both of us, even more. I had to be extremely cautious about everything I said and did.

“I’ve been in this situation before,” I said carefully, “and it ended very badly. Doing things because your body is telling you to do them is a terrible idea. The road you’re starting down only ends one place, and when you get there, you can’t go back. I think it’s something you might regret for the rest of your life. Getting involved with me in any way beyond just being a friend is dangerous. You just said that yourself. We’ve sort of crossed that line already, but it’s easy to step back across it now. It won’t be easy later on, and eventually, you won’t be able to go back across the line.

“And if it comes to that, and it reaches the end of the road, then what? We both say ‘thank you’ and walk away? Is that really something you can do? Even if your body is telling you to do it, can you just have sex for the sake of having sex? Would you be able to live with yourself? What about your faith? What about your commitment to your values? Can’t you see the risk you are taking by simply stepping onto the path? I can’t, and I won’t, put you in that position, Kara. It could ruin everything.”

She shook her head and replied, “I told you I was confused. None of this makes sense. If you had told me two weeks ago that we’d be having this conversation, I’d have told you that you were insane. But here we are. What are you going to do about it?”

“You need to think this through before you take any steps that you might regret. As long as you’re confused, you shouldn’t do anything at all. You need to take some time and think this through. I think once you do, you’ll come to your senses.”

“You’re right,” she sighed, nodding, “but I still want that kiss today.”

“I’m telling you that it’s a terrible idea. It’s only going to make you feel like you did last night and confuse you even more. Please, go and think about it. Really think it through.”

“You won’t kiss me?”

“No. Not today.”

“If not today, then when?”

“When you’ve thought about it. And I don’t mean for a few minutes or a few days. The soonest you can ask me again is December 1st. That’s more than a month from now. I think you’ll come to your senses by then.”

She sighed again, “Thank you.”

“Huh?”

“For thinking about me, for caring about me, and for trying to keep me safe.”

We finished eating and went back to the lunchroom about five minutes before the end of lunch period. I pulled Bethany aside to tell her what was going on.

“Bethany, I kissed Kara on our date and she asked me for another kiss. Now she’s totally confused and has urges that she is trying to keep under control.”

“Steve, you have to be careful with her, really careful! Remember what happened with Annie!”

“I may be a fucking idiot sometimes, but I’ve at least learned THAT lesson. She wanted to kiss me again today, and I refused. We had a long talk, and I told her exactly that — that I’d been in a situation where a girl let her body lead her somewhere she regretted. I said that if she was confused, I couldn’t and wouldn’t do anything with her. And I won’t.”

“OK. I trust you. But be careful. If you take that girl’s virginity, it could ruin her life completely.”

“I know. I’m being cautious as well. Do you know of another time I basically turned down a girl who wanted to kiss?”

“Only Kellie Linden, and that was her fault! And Kathy for a time, but you let her out of the doghouse! Oh, and Melanie and Mary, both of whom would fuck you to death if you let them.”

“OK, OK. I get the point!” I chuckled, “Kara doesn’t fall into any of those categories.”

The bell rang, reminding us that it was time to head to class. I gave Bethany a quick kiss on the lips and we parted, heading to our classes.

On Thursday after school, Bethany, Stephanie and I did the final shopping for the party and then put up the decorations. I let Dad know that everyone had said yes and that there would be about fifteen of us in total. The party would start around 8:00pm and end at 1:00am. I got permission to drive Bethany home, even though it would be past curfew. Bethany would come over on Saturday morning to help clean up and take down the decorations.

On Friday evening, Bethany came home with me from school. Mary was kind enough to take the bus home so that Bethany could ride in my car. Once we finished dinner, I changed all the light bulbs and Stephanie and Bethany got the snacks ready and put bottles of soda in the fridge.

Larry arrived a few minutes before 8:00pm and had Cindy, Erin, and Mary, who he picked up on the way over, with him. Kathy arrived a few minutes later and the rest of the guests trickled in by 8:15pm. The two Debbies were the last to arrive, Debbie V having gone with her sister Tracy to Debbie C’s house, then the two Debbies walked across the street to my house. Of course, it didn’t take long before the expected trouble arose.

“Stephen, I need to speak to you right now!” my mom insisted.

I walked into the office with her.

“What are those two girls doing in my house?” she demanded.

“I invited them. They’re my guests.”

“I don’t want them in this house. Especially the one who just had a baby!”

“Mom, I paid for a babysitter so she could come to the party. She needs friends. We’re her friends. If you want to make a scene in front of everyone, go right ahead. My friends will see you for exactly what you are. You’ll look mean and nasty, and my friends will love me even more.”

“Well, your sister is going to her room because I won’t have her around those girls.”

“No, she’s not. Not only did Dad approve of her coming to the party, but he approved her costume.”

“No one asked me about this party!”

“You’re right. Because I knew exactly how you would react. It’s up to you Mom, you can go out there and throw them out of the house. You can go out there and tell everyone why Stephanie has to go to her room. You’ll look mean, and I’ll look like a saint. All of my friends really like Debbie C and Debbie V and we love them unconditionally.”

I turned and left, not waiting for an answer. I was sure that she wouldn’t do anything tonight, but there would likely be fallout. I knew for sure that Stephanie wouldn’t get in any real trouble because Dad was totally informed and agreed to her Snow White costume.

Speaking of costumes, I was dressed as Prince Charming and Bethany as Cinderella. Larry had come as a warlock and Tracey had come as a witch, though an evil one, not a sexy one. Mary was a naughty nurse and her costume was barely there, and Ben was dressed as a doctor. Ralph and Brent had come as the Cowardly Lion and Scarecrow respectively, and Beth was dressed as Dorothy. Both Debbies had come as sexy witches, though Debbie C had a more demure costume than Debbie V. Erin and Cindy were dressed as Tinker Bell and Raggedy Ann, respectively. It dawned on me that we probably wouldn’t go swimming because most people had some kind of makeup on their faces.

Stephanie had put on a mix tape while I had been in the office with Mom, and Brent and Beth and Mary and Ben were dancing. Larry and I grabbed a Coke and Debbie C came over to talk to me.

“Thanks, Steve. I never get to go out. This is awesome! Will you dance with me?” Debbie asked.

“Of course!” I said.

We set down our sodas, and I took her in my arms loosely and we danced to All Out of Love by Air Supply. Debbie C stepped in closer and pulled me tight, and we swayed to the music. I was surprised by how it felt dancing with her. Despite dancing tight, it wasn’t sexual at all; it was a deep expression of gratitude and friendship. When the song finished, Debbie C kissed me on the cheek.

“Thanks, Steve; that was perfect!” she said, releasing me.

Larry, Brent, and I took turns dancing with the various girls. Ben and Brent danced with others a few times when their girls were dancing with me or with one of the other guys. The only person I didn’t dance with was Tracey. That was by her choice. She told me she wanted to wait for the Sadie Hawkins Dance, which confused me a bit, but if that’s what she wanted I was OK with it.

When Having You Near Me by Air Supply started playing, Stephanie grabbed my arm to dance. I could tell she wanted to dance with me like Mary usually did, but restrained herself, dancing very close, but not quite touching. When the song finished, she kissed me on the cheek.

“Thanks, Big Brother.”

I leaned down and whispered, “In March, we’ll dance again. Much closer. And naked.”

“Oh God, Steve, did you have to say that?!” she whispered with a shudder.

I let her go and went over to watch Larry and Mary playing chess while Ben and Cindy watched. Bethany came to stand next to me and I put my arm around her. She sighed and leaned her head on my shoulder. I was impressed when Mary managed to get a draw against Larry with the white pieces.

“Impressive, Mary,” I said. “You’re getting pretty good.”

“Oh, I’m good and you know it!” she teased.

“I do, Mary, I do!” I chuckled.

Ben just shook his head. It reminded me of Pete’s reaction to the way Melanie talked to me. I was glad that both Pete and Ben were good natured about the way their girls behaved with me.

“Ben, honey, can I take Steve to his room?” Mary teased.

“Mary Harrison!” I exclaimed. “You know I won’t do that even if your boyfriend says OK!”

“Then I’ll take both of you to your room!” she giggled.

Bethany, Larry and Brent all burst out laughing.

“In your dreams, Mary!” I chuckled.

“Oh, poo!” she said with a mock pout.

Ben grabbed her hand and pulled her up to dance. Bethany and I played pool against the two Debbies, easily beating them. Bethany and I yielded our cues to Beth and Brent and went to sit in a beanbag chair with Bethany on my lap. We necked a little bit, and I saw Tracey looking at us with a slight frown on her face. I asked Bethany to get up and walked over to Tracey.

“What’s wrong, Tracey?”

“Oh, nothing really. I was just watching you and Bethany and was a little sad that I didn’t have anyone to do that with. I really want a boyfriend. Nobody will go out with me.”

“I disagree. I think you just need a bit more self-confidence and you might need to approach the guys, but you’ll be fine.”

“But you’re just saying that because you feel sorry for me. After the dance, it’ll just be a pity fuck.”

My previous assessment was reinforced — she was seriously lacking self-confidence. I had to build her up without making it sound fake.

“Tracey, first of all, I don’t give ‘pity fucks’. And I don’t know why you would think it would be that. From what I’ve seen, you’re smart and nice and I bet you’re a lot of fun when you want to be. In fact, I’ll bet that next Friday, we’ll have an amazing time, both dancing and afterwards, when I take you to bed and we make love for hours.”

“Make love? Not fuck?”

“You deserve more than just a casual fuck. Let me ask this — what time is your curfew for the dance?”

“1:00am. I got special permission.”

“Then you know what? I’ll get you home by then, but I’ll pick you up at 8:00am for breakfast and I’ll make love to you all day Saturday if you want. Does that sound like a pity fuck?”

“No,” she said breathlessly. “You would really do that?”

“Yes. I would. We can do anything and everything you want.”

“Wow!” she whispered.

I smiled, then went back to be with Bethany. I felt that if I could just build up Tracey’s self-confidence, she’d certainly be able to approach guys and would certainly get asked out. All a guy had to do was get to know her, and she’d have a boyfriend for sure.

“What was that about?” Bethany asked.

“She needs a boyfriend. I think she could easily have one if she developed some self-confidence and talked to the right guys. She told me she thought I was giving her a pity fuck.”