Chapter 26: Confrontations and Connections

September 1980, Milford, Ohio

When I arrived home after my date with Joyce, Stephanie came to sit in my room and talk.

“Hey, Squirt!” I said.

“Hey, Big Brother,” she said, seeming a bit down.

“What’s wrong?”

“Oh, a few things. The most important one is that I’m worried about Bethany. I talked to her today, and she’s really fixated on the idea that you two are going to be married and live happily ever after. I know she’s told you that she’s OK with all the other girls, but I don’t think she really is. She’s putting up with it because she thinks she has to, but she hates it.

“It all started when you had sex with her that first time. From that point on, she decided she never wanted anyone but you. I know she told you otherwise at the time, but I also know that she told you the truth later. I know she was raped, but when you had sex with her, it was just like taking her cherry.”

“I know that. I’ve told Bethany that myself.”

“Yes, and just like Becky, she’s picking out china patterns and deciding where the honeymoon will be. I’m not saying that she’s going to do anything like Becky did, but Becky is the comparison. And I’ll tell you this much, unless I miss my guess, Becky will still be fixated on you until she finally has sex with someone else. I think Bethany is the same way.”

“Stephanie, Jennifer has never had sex with another guy. And she says she doesn’t want to.”

“That’s for a different reason. I talked to Jennifer about that. She’s convinced that you can’t handle it and that if she does, it will be the end of things with you. I’m pretty sure she’s right, Big Brother, and that is why no other dick will be anywhere in my body until you and I have decided we’ve had enough or you get married. I bet Karin told you the same thing.”

“She did, and so did Birgit.”

“Yes, but for everyone but Becky, the conscious decision to not do it has to do with them waiting for you to decide. Bethany thinks you HAVE decided, just as Becky did. Once you had sex with them, they took that as a commitment, even if you didn’t and even if they said it wasn’t. Remember what happened with Becky. It’s going to happen again with Bethany, mark my words.”

“I guess I don’t see it. Sure, she has her goals and one of those is to marry me. But unless you think she’s trying to trap me the way Becky did, then I don’t see the problem. I’ve been totally honest with Bethany. She knows I’m not committing to her anytime soon. She also knows that Jennifer and I are planning to be together next year.”

“Bethany is convinced that’s not going to happen. She told me you were way too sure of yourself about that.”

“And what do you think?” I asked. “You speak to Jennifer, too.”

“I think Jennifer is concerned about Bethany and even more concerned about Karin, though that second one is my fault. But I don’t get any bad feelings from Jennifer. She talks to me about you guys being together next year. She knows that things have changed between the two of you, just like you do. But she thinks, like you, that when you’re back together things will be OK.”

“Do you really think things will be OK?”

“I hope so, Steve, I really hope so. And not just because of me, but because of you. I’m afraid of what will happen to you if they fall apart.”

“At this point, Squirt, all I can do is plan on college and see what happens.”

“Just be careful with Bethany.”

“I’ll speak with her at lunch tomorrow.”

“There is one other thing. Mom called Mrs. Vaughn. I don’t know what was said for sure, but Debbie isn’t allowed in our house and I’m not allowed to go over there.”

I sighed, “I’m not surprised, Squirt. I suspect Mrs. Vaughn told Mom that she was OK with Debbie and me. I’m sure I’ll hear something from Mom about it. Are you forbidden from going to see Debbie C?”

“No, she didn’t say that. Though I’m sure she’ll say Debbie C can’t come over here with the baby.”

“I’m sorry I’m causing you trouble like this, Stephanie.”

“It’s not your fault.”

After Stephanie left, I read for a bit and then went to bed. I slept soundly and had dreams of marriage and family, but my wife was always just out of my vision.

On Saturday morning after swimming and breakfast, I did some homework and answered letters. I had one from Tatyana in Vienna as well as one from Pia that I needed to answer. Tatyana wrote that her father had been recalled to Moscow and might have a new assignment. She was still in Vienna, but didn’t know for how long. Pia had started dating Johan and reading between the lines, she was taking her time before becoming intimate. That didn’t surprise me, given our talks. I was happy for her because I knew that anything between us was very, very unlikely.

I picked up Bethany at 11:00am and we went to Skyline for lunch. We both ordered our 5-way chili and sat down to eat.

“Bethany, can we talk about last Saturday?”

“I guess. Is something wrong?”

“Maybe. I’m a bit confused by a few things. First, what’s with Kathy? You wanted me to end it with her after she and I had our day together and seemed a bit uncomfortable when I didn’t. Then you invite her to join us. Don’t get me wrong, it was fun, but when I think about it, it doesn’t make a lot of sense.”

“First of all,” Bethany replied, “remember, I told you I was going to do the stuff you did with Melanie and Jennifer. That was part of it. When you said you were going to keep seeing Kathy from time to time for sex, I decided she would be a good person to bring into a threesome. If it hadn’t been her, I don’t know who it would have been, but I would have found someone.

“Second, to be honest, I am worried a bit about the two of you. You say your crush is over, but then you have a sex marathon and decide that even though you’re friends, you’re going to see each other for sex once in a while. I thought it might be safer if you and Kathy only got together with me.”

“Shouldn’t you have said something to me about that? That’s something we really should discuss in advance.”

“Then it wouldn’t have been a surprise,” Bethany countered.

“I understand, but it was more than just a surprise. There is another thing that’s bugging me, too.”

“What?” she asked with trepidation.

“Your whole attitude with Michelle. I don’t get that at all. And I’m really worried about it as well.”

“Why are you worried?”

“Because you said you wouldn’t get involved in my dalliances or deflowerings. You already got involved with Kathy and now you’re talking about getting involved with Michelle. But even more troublesome is that you said she’s a virgin. I’ve never encountered someone who wanted an audience for their first time, but you want her as part of a foursome. It doesn’t make sense!”

She sighed, “I’m afraid Michelle has designs on you besides just a good first time, Steve.”

“So you thought it was a good idea to bring her into a foursome with you and Kathy for her first time? Why? To keep me safe?” I asked, with more than a bit of frustration in my voice.

“I guess so,” Bethany replied, almost in a whisper.

“Are you going to try to bring every girl I show interest in into some kind of group thing? Who’s next? Dona? Debbie?”

Bethany was silent, and I saw tears forming in her eyes. I was pretty sure Stephanie was right about her not being OK with what was going on, but tolerating it because she had to in order to achieve her goal. I waited for her to talk.

“I’m sorry, Steve. I guess I just got nervous because of your past with Kathy and because I know that Michelle wants to be your girlfriend.”

“Well, Michelle can have a good first time with me if she wants, but I’m not looking for a girlfriend.”

“Not even Dona?”

She had me there. Truth be told, if it weren’t for Bethany, I’d be going out with Dona and taking her to Homecoming and, if things worked out, Prom. Stephanie was right, I had fallen for Dona that first night we met. It was unlike any of my other relationships in the past in that regard. I was either friends or intimate, or both, with girls before I fell in love. Not so with Dona. I had to answer her, but it was a tough question to answer.

“If things were different, I might go steady with her, yes.”

“What about Debbie, Elyse, and Joyce?”

“Well, Joyce and I aren’t seeing each other anymore as of last night. I’ll see her at Larry’s grandfather’s house, but we’re not dating. Elyse and I are seeing each other, but we’re not sleeping together and probably won’t for quite some time, if we ever do. Debbie, well, that would be a problem I’d have to deal with, I guess.”

“And me, Steve, what about me?” Bethany asked.

“I said if things were different. I meant if you and I weren’t intimate. If you and I were just friends, then yes, I’d consider making Dona my steady girlfriend.”

“But not me?”

“We talked about this, and honestly, if push came to shove, I’d probably come to the same conclusion with Dona — that I was open to exploring a relationship, but I wouldn’t go steady.”

“Probably?”

“We’re talking ‘What if?’ here. I can’t say for sure what I would do. I struggle with that whole ‘What if?’ thing.”

“Have you had sex with her?” Bethany said accusatorially.

“Bethany Michelle Krajick! Why are you making this sound like a cross-examination?”

“You have, haven’t you? Otherwise you would say no!”

“Bethany, take a deep breath. Relax. I have not had sex with Dona. But I’m really concerned about your reaction to the fact that I might have. What’s going on?”

“If you have sex with her, I think I’ll lose you,” Bethany whimpered.

“Just as you think will happen if I have sex with Kathy without you there. Just as you think will happen if I have sex with Michelle. You really aren’t OK with all of this, are you?”

“No. But you knew that. I told you I could tolerate it, but I wasn’t OK with it.”

“And it appears you can’t tolerate it, either,” I said evenly, trying to control my voice.

Tears started running down Bethany’s face.

“I don’t want to lose you,” she said, stifling a sob.

And that was the crux of the matter. As sure as she claimed to be about our future, she was afraid that she might be wrong. Or that somehow things might not go the way she wanted.

“What do you want from me?”

“Something you can’t give me now. Something I want in the worst possible way, but I have to wait for if I ever want to get it.”

I knew exactly what she wanted.

“You want a marriage proposal,” I said.

Bethany nodded. Stephanie was right. I suspected they had talked about it, probably indirectly, and that’s why Stephanie was trying to warn me.

“My history should tell you just how bad of an idea that is,” I said gently.

“I know. That’s why I said you can’t give it to me now.”

“When did you decide this?” I asked, knowing the answer.

“When you made love with me the very first time. I knew right then and there. I didn’t tell you because I knew you would never have done it with me if I had. But I needed you to help me, so I didn’t tell you. I’m sorry.”

“What do we do now? You know that it will be years before I can commit to anyone, including you. I need you as a friend and don’t want to lose that, but I can’t be your fiancé any time soon, and I can’t promise I will ever be.”

“I don’t know. Will you still take me to Homecoming?”

“Of course.”

“And you’ll make love to me when I need you to?”

“Yes.”

“Then I’ll be OK. It’s not what I want, but it’s all I can get for now. Are you OK with this? Do you want to keep seeing me?”

“Of course I do. Just don’t try so hard! You have nothing to worry about with Kathy. Nothing. I promise. As for Michelle, I don’t have to do anything with her. And even if I do, don’t worry about her either.”

“And Dona?” Bethany inquired apprehensively.

“I’m going to keep seeing her. It will progress however it progresses. I promise I’ll have time for you and I won’t neglect you.”

“Can I ask you something without upsetting you?”

“Of course,” I replied.

“Do you know why you can’t commit to anyone?”

“Because I tend to obsess and try to plan out my entire future when I do that, or even think about doing that. And I do stupid things. My sister used to call it being a ‘dumb boy’. Once I stopped worrying about things like that and just started taking things one day at a time, things got better. A lot better.

“I know for sure I’m going to marry and have children. Those are goals. And each day I take one more step towards those goals. But they aren’t plans, nor do I have a plan. I can’t. It would ruin everything. I’ve done it before, so I know. It’s not about sex, I could have as much of that as I wanted with any of the girls. In fact, with the exception of the last two weekends, I’ve cut way back.”

“Yes, you have,” Bethany agreed. “Other than Debbie, you don’t have anyone regular. Sure, you see Katt occasionally and you had your thing with Kathy, but you have really toned it down. I see that as a good thing. I know you won’t be monogamous yet, but you certainly didn’t go as crazy in Sweden as I thought you might.”

“But except for Melanie, you’ve been the only one to set up a situation with multiple sex partners. Jennifer may have, but I suspect that Melanie was the real instigator. I never did that in Sweden, and I basically had one steady girlfriend the entire time. Yes, there were a couple of dalliances, but nothing like before I left. It’s one of those things nobody would believe — I went to a sexually liberated country and had less sex! Contrary to popular belief, I can control my urges.”

“Well, except when you throw a temper tantrum,” she said lightheartedly.

“Well, yeah, except then. It’s one of the reasons I’m seeing Doctor Mercer. By the way, why didn’t you include yourself when talking about who I’m having sex regularly with?”

“Since we started exploring our relationship, we’ve done it once. Well, OK, five or six times,” she giggled, “but that was all in one day! That was fun, and I’m sure we’ll do that again sometime, but what I really need is for you to do is make love to me when I need you to.”

“I think I can manage that,” I chuckled. “It sounds like you don’t think that’s going to be on a regular basis.”

“I don’t know, really. You’re going to be with Dona. That has to play out. You might even take her to Prom.”

“No, I’m taking you. We’re going to our Senior Prom together. And we’re renting a nice hotel room with a hot tub and we’re going to fuck each other silly all night!”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes, I am. I promised you that. But it’s not just the promise. I do think it’s possible we could end up together. I’m just not sure of it the way you are. I am sure we’re going to Prom together because I love you and want to go with you!”

Bethany’s face brightened immediately, “I’m going to hold you to that Steve Adams! If I can still walk the morning after Prom you’ve failed!” she giggled.

“Do you want to go make love now?” I asked gently.

“No, not today. Well, unless you have an urgent need, then of course I’ll do it with you.”

“No, I was offering because I thought you might need it.”

“No, I’m fine. You should get home so you can get ready for your date tonight.”

We walked out to my car, and I drove her home. I walked her to the front door, and we exchanged a deep kiss and hugged tight.

“I’m sorry,” Bethany said. “I’ll try to keep my fears in check and be patient.”

“I know it’s tough, but patience is the only way you can ever have what you want. I can’t promise anything except to see where things go. I love being with you and I think we get along well. Let’s just take it one step at a time.”