Chapter 1: Resolving the Problem

July 1980, Milford, Ohio

-Frank Zappa

“We’re moving to Seattle next month!” Jennifer said.

“What the hell? How long have you known?”

Tears started rolling down Jennifer’s cheeks and she whispered, “I’m sorry.”

“How long?” I said angrily.

“Since March.”

“God damn it, Jennifer! And you didn’t tell me?”

“I was afraid to. I was afraid of what you would say. I was afraid of what you would do.”

“So you lied to me.”

“I didn’t lie!” she said desperately. “I didn’t!”

“You didn’t tell me something important!”

“That’s not a lie!” she protested. “It’s not!”

“OK. You were dishonest. Better?” I asked angrily.

Jennifer got off the couch and ran up the stairs, crying.

“Steve, go upstairs with her. She’s afraid. She needs you.”

“But she hid this from me, Mrs. Block!”

“She thought she was doing the right thing, Steve. She’s scared. She tried to talk her dad out of moving, but the new job is just too good for him to pass up.”

“She should have told me. That’s not something I can easily forget!”

“She loves you more than anything in the world. She’s been really upset and I’m not sure how she managed to stay calm talking to you. And I’m sorry for letting it out before she told you.”

“Well, she waited until she got what she wanted! She should have told me when she found out, not after I screwed her silly all afternoon!” I raged.

“Steve!” Mrs. Block said sharply. “Take a deep breath. Go to her. She needs you. Be the mature young man that I know you are.”

I took a couple of deep breaths and let them out slowly. I was really upset with Jennifer. But was I upset because she hadn’t told me, or had I lashed out more for what she did tell me?

“OK, Mrs. Block,” I said with resignation.

I slowly walked up the stairs to Jennifer’s room. I found her on her face down on her bed, sobbing into her pillow.

“Jennifer?”

“You hate me!” she sobbed.

“No, I don’t hate you. I’m upset, but I don’t hate you.”

She took a moment to compose herself, then got a tissue and blew her nose.

“I’m so sorry,” she sobbed. “I should have told you.”

“Who else knows, Jennifer? I need you to be completely honest with me now.”

“Melanie, Pete, and Larry. I didn’t tell Stephanie.”

“Because you knew she’d tell me!”

“Yes,” she said meekly.

“When were you going to tell me?”

“Tomorrow morning.”

“After you made sure you got what you wanted from me,” I said snidely.

“It’s not like that!”

“Then why not tell me right away?”

“Because I knew you would be upset,” she said softly.

“And then I might not fuck you!”

“Why are you doing this? Why are you treating me like this?”

“Actually, Jennifer, that’s the question I should ask you! I’ve always been honest with you. I’ve always told you what was going on. I’ve never hidden anything from you.”

“I know Steve, I know,” she said, nodding, with tears streaming down her face.

“If we can’t be honest and open, there’s no future for us.”

“Don’t say that! Don’t let this be the end! Please!”

“I’m not the one who did it!”

“I ruined everything! I ruined everything!” she wailed, throwing herself back on the bed, sobbing into the pillow.

I looked at her and instead of the strong young woman I knew, I saw a scared, sobbing little girl. Her mom told me Jennifer had been upset, and that she was afraid and I was certainly seeing this now. I had no idea what to do or say at this point. I had no idea what I wanted. Actually, that wasn’t quite true. I wanted Jennifer to stay. I wanted to spend our Senior year together. Now all of that was gone!

As I stood there looking at this crying little girl, it hit me that this wasn’t something that Jennifer had decided to do, but something that had been decided for her. She hadn’t had a choice. This wasn’t like my trip to Sweden. Shit. While yes, she should have told me as soon as she’d known, I needed to apologize to her for my reaction. That wouldn’t solve the problem, but it would at least let us talk.

“Jennifer?”

She continued sobbing uncontrollably and didn’t answer. I went over to the bed and put my hand on her shoulder.

“Jennifer?”

“What?” she sobbed.

“I’m sorry. I reacted badly. Do you want to talk?”

“Can you just hold me? Can we talk after dinner? Please?”

I lay down next to her, and she turned and clung fiercely to me, sobbing into my chest, rather than the pillow. I held her and let her cry. I reached for the box of tissues and pulled out several. As she sobbed, I wiped her tears every once in a while, and otherwise just held her tight. She cried for about fifteen minutes before she finally got control of her emotions enough to stop sobbing.

“Jennifer, you need to wash your face; it’ll be time for dinner very soon.”

“Come with me! Don’t leave me.”

She got up and took my hand and I walked with her to the bathroom. She shut and locked the door, and I was surprised when she unbuttoned and unzipped her jeans and sat down on the toilet.

“Jen?”

“Don’t leave me. Please. It’s OK. I need you with me every second right now.”

She urinated, wiped herself clean, flushed the toilet, and pulled up her jeans. She washed her hands, then her face. She blew her nose a couple of times and then washed her face again.

She took my hand again and led me downstairs to sit on the couch.

“Hold me, please,” she begged.

I put my arms around her and pulled her to me. We sat together until her dad walked in.

“Hi, Steve! It’s good to see you.”

“Hi, Mr. Block,” I said evenly.

“I’m guessing you know.”

“Yes, Sir. I’m not happy about it, obviously.”

“Neither is Jennifer, but I really couldn’t pass up the opportunity with Boeing. I’m really sorry that you two will be apart again.”

There really wasn’t anything I could say to him at this point, so I nodded. I simply couldn’t answer him. He waited a moment, then went to his wife. Dinner was served a few minutes later, and we went to the table. My body was out of sorts from the time change and my emotions were in complete turmoil, so I wasn’t very hungry. I ate enough to be polite, but not much more. Dessert was cherry ice cream and when we finished, Mrs. Block told us that she would take care of the kitchen and we should go spend time together.

Jennifer again took my hand and we went to the basement to sit together on the couch.

“What do we do?” she said with despair in her voice.

“I don’t know. I really don’t know. It’s over 2,000 miles away. I don’t know if we can survive another year, or more, apart.”

“Do you really mean that? Do you think this is the end for us?”

“I don’t see how we can maintain a relationship when we’re apart for so long.”

“We were fine when you were in Sweden, Steve. How is this different? In fact, it should be easier because it’s possible we could fly to see each other.”

“And our plans for Senior year? Homecoming? Prom? Working on our future?”

“Aren’t we strong enough to get through this?”

“I don’t know, Jennifer,” I sighed. “I honestly don’t know.”

“I should have told you. I’m really sorry. I didn’t mean to violate your trust.”

“Is that the only thing you’ve kept from me?”

“What are you asking? Do you think I was unfaithful to you? Don’t you trust me?”

“I wasn’t asking that question, but you went right there. Why?”

“I told you that I haven’t had sex with anyone while you were gone. I’ve never had sex with any guy except you! That’s the truth! I don’t want to have sex with any guy but you! Please, you have to believe me! I’ve been honest about everything else! I have!” she said desperately.

“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that. I’m blaming you for something that isn’t your fault.”

“I told Dad I didn’t want to go!”

“I know Jen, I know. But where do we go from here? It’s going to be so hard to be away from you when I was looking forward to us being together!”

“For me too!” she said, a tear running down her cheek.

“I guess all we can do now is take things one day at a time.”

“Can you see me every day until I leave?”

“Probably not. I have other people to see, other things I have to do too. You know that.”

“Can’t they wait? Can’t it just be you and me until August 9th?”

I thought about that for a moment and decided that I couldn’t put everyone else on hold. I had to see the Don, had to figure out with Andreas about work, had to have driving lessons. I’d already made my plans to restart the computer stuff with Beth, Bethany had already asked to see me, and Katt wanted me to come see her.

“No Jennifer. I can’t put my life completely on hold for a month. Or for a year, or however long it’s going to be.”

“You were willing to do that for Birgit!”

“And what happened? She insisted that I not do that. If I had, you would never have had me. We can’t put our lives on hold.”

She started sobbing, “It’s all going to fall apart, isn’t it?”

I held her while she cried and I tried to think about what we should do. Katt’s words rang in my ears.

Katt had pushed me hard to stop thinking so much about my life partner. Jennifer, much earlier, had said the same thing.

And Karin had reminded me what I had actually promised Birgit.

I’d even said it to Jennifer earlier when I told her we were too young to make long-term plans.

Of course, her response to me made even more sense.

“Jennifer, it doesn’t have to fall apart. I just have to listen to what you said to me some time ago; to what I said to you earlier. We can’t make long-term plans yet, all we can really do is take it one day at a time.”

She smiled through her tears. There was one more thing I had to tell her.

“You’re free to explore. If you want to date, that’s fine. If you want to have sex with someone, that’s fine. But you can’t hide it from me; you have to be totally honest and open.”

“You’re OK with me having sex with another guy?”

“You’ve always been fine with me having sex with other girls. I certainly didn’t object to Joyce doing it.”

“You had a pretty visceral reaction when you thought I had done it a couple of years ago.”

“I did. I’ll deal with it,” I said quietly.

“No, I don’t think you would, actually. I think if I did that, we’d be through. Maybe not right away, but eventually. Birgit knew that, I suspect. There’s something about you that just can’t handle it for your life partner.”

“So you’re saying that I can’t be with anyone who has ever had sex with someone else? I thought you told Stephanie that Bethany, Elyse and Kathy were potential matches.”

“Bethany is different, first of all, you were the first, and I think only, person to really make love to her. Secondly, I’m pretty sure she’s been celibate since you left. As for Elyse and Kathy, well, I think the timer starts when you were first with them. In other words, they don’t have to come to you as a virgin, but if someone else touches them after you do, then yes, I think eventually it will fall apart.”

“That makes no sense,” I protested.

“It doesn’t have to make sense. It’s just the way things are. So, like Birgit, and I suspect like Karin, until you make a decision, I don’t dare touch another guy.”

“I kept seeing Joyce after she had sex with me and then with someone else.”

“Yes, but where is that relationship now?”

“I don’t know, actually. We left it more or less up in the air when I left, but I know she’s been seeing someone seriously. And based on everything that’s happened, I’ve kind of moved to a ‘rule out’ way of thinking than a ‘rule in’.”

“So you mean every girl on the planet is on the list unless you remove them? That’s a lot of sex, even for you!” she giggled through her sadness.

“You’re cheering up a bit.”

“I am. That is, unless you are ruling me out.” she smirked, but with a touch of concern.

“No chance! If I’ve ruled out anybody, it’s certainly Becky. In fact, during our last conversation she commented that it sounded like I was saying goodbye forever and I told her that I was. Kellie is another one I’m ruling out, of course.”

“She’s been waiting all year for you to come back,” Jennifer smirked.

She was really enjoying herself now.

“She can wait until hell freezes over!”

“Oh, I think she’ll try to arrange that, also!” she smirked. “And what about Melanie?”

“Well, duh, she’s engaged, and she’ll be Mrs. Pete Carston soon enough.”

“I still want to be there when you tell her about the new you! Hey, because you violated your rule, maybe you and Pete can give her that fantasy!”

“Pete is never going to go for that, even if I were willing.”

“So there are limits to what you’ll do after all!”

“Everyone has limits. It just depends on what those limits are. I moved the bar significantly.”

“We’ll just see about that!” she said with a smile.

“So now what?” I asked.

“One day at a time, I guess. We’re together now. I want to see you as much as possible. I know you have other things you have to do, but please make time for me.”

“I will,” I said. “You know that Stephanie is not going to take this much better than I have.”

“I know. Would you tell her for me, please?”

“I should make you do it yourself,” I replied, “but yes, I’ll tell her.”

“Thanks. Are you OK now?”

“No, I’m pretty far from OK. I had counted on having you here as my rock, Jennifer. Now you’ll be gone. So will Melanie. I counted on both of you before. Now what?”

“Your sister is here. She can help you. I told you before you needed to make sure you talked things out with her. You have to do that before you guys are together.”

“I can talk with Stephanie about many things, but I’m not sure that we can talk about what making love means to us until we actually do it. Everything will change once that happens.”

“Yes, it will. That’s when you’ll know if you want me for me, or because you see her in me. Just as you do with Karin — was it her or was it Birgit?”

“I know. Stephanie’s damn sure that I want you for you!”

“She is,” Jennifer agreed. “And I want that, too. But she could simply be trying to find the closest thing to herself that she can for you. That might not be what you need.”

“Here we are talking about my future mate again.”

“Not really. We’re talking about how you can finish your quest to find who you are and who you are supposed to be. Once you finish that, then you can worry about the rest of it. Maybe it’s a good thing I’ll be gone when you and Stephanie are together,” she said quietly.

“Maybe, just maybe, but I’m still not happy about it.”

“If we can survive this, we can survive anything.”

“Probably true. Let’s make the most of the next few weeks. I’ll limit how much time I spend with others, but I do need to keep Sundays free for Beth. You could always hang out with us, though we do get pretty geeky.”

“That’s fine,” Jennifer agreed. “Speaking of Beth, did you know she and Brent broke up at the end of the year?”

“No, I didn’t. What happened?”

“I’m not sure, but they broke up right after Prom.”

“I didn’t know that. Also, Jen, I’m going to arrange my driver’s education class. That means a week of classroom in the morning and then driving in the afternoons. I need to do that before school starts. I plan to buy a car to make sure my mom can’t ground me from driving by taking away access to one of ‘her’ cars.”

“Great! Go ahead and make those arrangements, too. But make sure you buy a car that can make a 2000 mile drive without breaking down!”

“I was thinking of buying a really cheap used car to start with, but I decided to save up for a Firebird Trans Am.”

“Like the one Burt Reynolds drove in the movie?” she giggled.

“Well, it would be a great car for driving fast across country according to the movie! If I want to buy it outright, I’ll cost around $7500 if I want the Turbo model, less for a regular V8.”

“Where are you going to come up with that kind of money?”

“I’ll make at least half that much on computer dating alone. Plus, I have other programming jobs for Larry’s uncle and grandfather.”

“Programming jobs?”

“Yes. I’m serious. Programming jobs. I might work at the deli some, though I’m not sure yet.”

“Speaking of that, what about the apartment?”

“I’ll have to ask Andreas about that when I see him.”

“I meant to ask, how did things go with your mom? I’m guessing not well, considering her call to my mom.”

“Dad was totally on my side, finally. He basically told Mom he didn’t agree with her. By the way, thanks for making sure Stephanie was there when Pete proposed!”

“It was touch and go, but your sister asked your dad and he said ‘OK’. Your mom was pissed, I guess.”

Chapter 2 »