Chapter 14: Moving on

August 1980, Milford, Ohio

Stephanie and I went back inside the house. I went straight to my room to sleep. I was totally wiped out — mentally, physically, and emotionally. I knew I needed sleep before my date with Elyse, but I was pretty sure I wouldn’t be having sex with her. That was a good thing, because I wasn’t sure I’d be able to! I was asleep as soon as my head hit the pillow.

I slept until about 1:00pm when my phone rang. I was too out of it to answer, but Stephanie came to the door to tell me Joyce was on the phone. It dawned on me that she hadn’t called on Thursday, but I didn’t think that meant anything. I shook my head to try to clear the cobwebs.

“Hi, Joyce,” I said, my voice cracking from being groggy.

“Hi, Steve. You don’t sound good.”

“I was taking a nap, Joyce. I’m sorry.”

“Oh, did I wake you?”

“Yes, but it’s OK, I want to talk to you!”

“If you’re sure. We can talk later if you want.”

“Now is fine.”

“OK.” I heard her take a deep breath, and she continued, “I’ve thought a lot this week about what I want and what I should do, and I’ve changed my mind at least three times. My feelings for you haven’t changed, but there are so many issues. I was pretty hard on you at Grandfather’s house, but I think I needed to be. Any kind of relationship with you is risky.”

“Aren’t all relationships risky? Isn’t that part of what makes them exciting?”

“I guess. It’s just that I have a really tough time dealing with who you are at this point in your life, though I guess you’ve changed somewhat in your year away.”

“I have. But I’ll be honest; I’m not looking for a committed relationship. I know that you are and that creates an inherent conflict between us. At a minimum, we need to figure out where we are and tell your grandfather.”

“True. And what we tell him depends on what kind of relationship you and I have.”

“Well, of course! And I guess the first question is really about you and Roy. How is that relationship going?”

“I think that’s obvious. We’ve been going steady eight months and I haven’t told grandfather about him and I haven’t slept with him. What I realized this week is that if I haven’t wanted to have sex with him by this point, I probably never will. That’s not because of you, Steve, it’s because something doesn’t quite click. You know I’ve had sex with other guys since I started seeing you a couple of years ago, but something has held me back from Roy. I don’t know exactly what it is, but whatever it is, it’s also kept me from telling grandfather about him.”

“So, what are you going to do?”

“Probably break up with him. After all, if I’m never going to have sex with him, I’m certainly never going to marry him.”

“If you are looking for marriage, we both know that at this point I’m the wrong guy and you’ve said that you think I’m the wrong guy long-term, as well.”

“No, that’s not quite what I said. My concern is that you can’t stay monogamous. If you could, then you might be the right guy for me. The only way to find out is to wait and see what happens.”

“Which means what? I’m sorry, but my thinking is a bit slow because I didn’t sleep last night.”

“It means let’s get together and talk. I can cook you dinner like I used to, but please don’t get the idea that I’m going to sleep with you.”

“I’d love for you to make dinner for me! If we can be friends, that’s a good thing. How about Saturday the 23rd? I still have access to the apartment, unless you want me to come to your house.”

“No, my family would be there and it would be difficult to cook just for you and me and talk. The apartment is fine so long as we understand the rules.”

“You know me,” I said. “I understand.”

“See you on the 23rd then. I’ll pick you up around 3:00pm.”

We hung up, and I crawled back into bed. My alarm was set for 3:30pm so I could get ready for Elyse to pick me up at 4:00pm. I quickly fell asleep, slept deeply, and awoke with my alarm. I rolled out of bed and took a shower. I figured I could stay awake during my date with Elyse.

Elyse arrived a few minutes after 4:00pm. We hugged, and she kissed my cheek, then we got into the car and she pulled out of the driveway.

“Where are we headed?” I asked.

“We’ll have dinner at a small restaurant in Springdale and then we’ll see Xanadu, the new movie with Olivia Newton-John,” she said, with a sideways glance at me, then continued, “How are you doing?”

“I’m OK. Obviously, I’m sad that Jennifer is gone, but I’m happy to be going out with you.”

“I’m happy to be going out with you, too. Where did you leave things with Jennifer?”

“That we’re both young and there’s quite a bit of life ahead. It’s way too soon to make any commitments. All we can do is see how things turn out.”

“And what about me?”

“Pretty much the same thing. At this point, I’m taking things one day at a time. We hit it off pretty well at the wedding and I really enjoyed the time we spent together.”

“That’s a nice euphemism!” she giggled.

“I’m serious. Yes, the sex was great, but I enjoyed dinner, watching the Reds, and dancing at the reception a lot.”

“In some ways, the sex was a mistake,” Elyse said. “I’ve never done anything like that before or since. I don’t even really know why I did it that night. It just seemed like the right thing to do. But we kind of skipped all the stuff that’s supposed to happen before we have sex. Now it’s a major roadblock.”

Her thoughts about getting into bed with me that night reminded me of Pia’s thoughts about the party. Both girls had stepped outside their comfort zone for me.

“I’m not sure I understand you. Why is it a roadblock?”

“It’s like reading the end of a mystery novel first. The book just isn’t the same once you know the ending. Have you read The Murder of Roger Ackroyd by Agatha Christie?”

“Yes. I’ve read quite a few of her books.”

“If you read it a second time, would it be as good?”

“No, I guess not. Well, maybe, actually, because I’d pick up all the clues she left. The third time certainly wouldn’t be as good.”

“Hmm, I see your point, but the idea I had was what you said about when you read it the third time through. Where’s the mystery? Where’s the adventure? It’s kind of difficult to ignore the fact that we already had sex, and that we did it without really knowing each other.”

“So you regret it, Elyse?”

“No, that’s probably too harsh of a word. That’s why I said that it was a mistake in some ways. In others, it wasn’t. But it does leave us with a problem.”

“And what’s that?”

“That it could too easily interfere with building a proper relationship. I guess what I’m saying is that if you’re just looking for a roll in the hay, I’m not the right girl for you and you certainly aren’t the right guy for me. If you’re looking to explore a relationship, to really get to know each other, then maybe I am the right girl and maybe you are the right guy.

“This isn’t about commitment, it’s about learning, growing, and finding out what it is that we want out of life. That’s what I want to do. That means we go on dates, get together, get to really know each other and see what develops. We just have to figure out the physical side of our relationship.”

“I understand rules and limits. I like you and I’m willing to take it as slow or as fast as you like.”

“That’s not good. You’re not thinking about this the right way.”

“Now I’m confused! I was pretty sure that’s the right answer.”

“With some girls, that’s the perfect answer, but not with me. If we’re going to have a relationship of any kind, I can’t set arbitrary limits for both of us. Any limits or rules, or boundaries have to be mutually agreed upon. And that means you can’t just acquiesce to what I want and I can’t just accept what you want, either. We both have to be totally honest about what we want and go from there. That’s the only way I can do this.”

“Well, where do we start? You seem to have this fairly well thought out.”

“We start with dinner, then the movie, then wild sex!” she giggled.

“What? Did I miss something?”

“Sorry, I’m teasing you. Well, partly, I guess. As I said, I’m confused. I agree with you that the sex was great, in fact, it was better than great. I haven’t been with anyone since the wedding and, to be honest, I’m horny. But that creates a problem because my body and mind are in conflict on this. So I was teasing, but I wasn’t.”

“Well, that’s as clear as mud!” I chuckled.

“I know. I told you I was confused. Let’s have dinner, see the movie, and we’ll figure it out from there.”

We arrived at the restaurant and were seated in a small booth. The menu was expansive, and the food was relatively inexpensive. We ordered our food and started talking. Our food arrived, and we ate as we continued getting to know one another. When the topic of dating and sex came up, it was time for me to tell Elyse things that I hadn’t told her last year.

“Do you remember talking to Jennifer and her saying that I was ‘generous’ with my talents?”

“Yes, and I have to say I was really surprised that she was OK with us fooling around.”

“You weren’t the first girl that I fooled around with, Elyse, nor the last.”

“That was pretty obvious from what Jennifer said. Look, neither of us were virgins that night. What happened before doesn’t really matter, nor does anything that happened until tonight. I’m pretty sure you are far more experienced than I am, but you don’t have to provide details. What’s important is where we go from here.”

“Let me ask you an important question, then,” I said. “If we were to have a physical relationship, whatever that means, are you expecting me to be completely exclusive with you?”

She thought for a moment before answering.

“I guess that depends on where we are in terms of our relationship. It should be obvious that for right now, I’m not asking for anything like that. Let’s take this one step at a time. Like everything else, if we’re going to move forward, we have to talk it through and come up with something we can both agree on. If we can’t agree, that’s a pretty strong sign that we aren’t right for each other.”

“It seems like this is going to end up with a lot of asking if it’s OK to move forward kind of questions.”

“That’s the exact problem. It can’t really just develop naturally. We’ve had sex, we both thought it was amazing. If we were just letting things develop naturally, it would be so much easier. Do you see why I said in one sense it was a mistake? Not that there was anything wrong with it morally, just that it makes it so much more difficult now.”

“I guess it does make sense when I think about it. I’m not sure I have an answer.”

“Neither do I,” Elyse said. “But I’m pretty sure I know what you want,” she add with a smirk.

“You did offer wild sex!” I chuckled. “I would warn you that your idea of wild sex and mine might differ significantly.”

“Don’t be so sure about that. How much do you really know about me?”

“I’d really like to test that. It could be pretty wild.”

“We’ll see. Finish your dinner and we’ll go to the movies.”

We finished eating and after I paid, we left the restaurant and drove the short distance to the theater. I bought our tickets, and we found seats about halfway back. I put my arm around Elyse and she snuggled close. The movie turned out to be a musical and although the story wasn’t particularly engaging, the music and dancing were pretty good. After the credits rolled, we walked back to the car.

“I liked sitting with your arm around me,” Elyse said. “I remember sleeping in your arms and how fantastic that was. It’s the only time I’ve ever done that. Please don’t take this the wrong way, but that was the best part of the wedding.”

“I enjoy doing that, too. Anytime you want to sleep in my arms, you let me know. I’ll figure out a way to arrange it!”

“As nice as that sounds, that’s probably getting a bit ahead of ourselves!”

“How do we figure this out?” I asked. “It’s not really something that can be negotiated — the limits are set by whoever’s desires or needs are the most restrictive. It really does come back to my statement before that I’ll accept whatever limits you put on the relationship.”

“So you would want to go to bed with me tonight?”

“Yes, I would. But only if that’s something you want.”

“It’s not a matter of what I want. It’s about finding out what the best thing for us is.”

“And how do we figure that out?”

“We take our time and get to know each other better. That’s the only answer I have at the moment.”

We rode the rest of the way without saying anything, just listening to music on the radio. When she dropped me at home, she got out of the car and we hugged and exchanged a kiss, our lips parting and our tongues tangling.

“Ask me out again,” she said with a smile.

“How about Wednesday or Thursday?”

“Thursday is good. I’ll pick you up around 5:00pm. We’ll just go to dinner and hang out.”

I kissed her again and went inside. I was really tired, and I decided to go right to bed. As I lay down, I wondered how Jennifer was doing on her drive across the country. I probably wouldn’t hear from her until Tuesday. As I fell asleep, I realized I wasn’t as bothered by her absence as I thought I was going to be. As my consciousness faded, I wasn’t sure what to think of that.

I woke at my usual time on Sunday morning. The naps on Saturday had helped me recover from my all-night marathon with Jennifer. I got up and put on my swimsuit and went to the pool. Stephanie joined me a couple of minutes later and we swam our laps. After we had each showered and dressed, we ate breakfast together.

“How was your date with Elyse, Big Brother?” Stephanie said with a smirk.

“It was good, Squirt. And forget that smirk; all we did was kiss a couple of times.”

“Losing your touch?” she giggled.

“No! Both Elyse and Joyce are determined to take things slowly with me.”

“But you’ve had sex with them before. What’s the big deal?”

“In both cases, they are looking for real relationships. And neither of them is particularly interested in sharing me nor in allowing me my dalliances. I think both of them are testing me in one way or another.”

“You know Jennifer is fine with all of that. Why worry? If those two want to tie you down, why bother? It’ll only cause trouble in the long run.”

“Because I’m not sure that Jennifer and I will work out. Before you say anything, I know what you think. And I know that you are sure that you are right. But I’m not. Karin is always in the back of my mind, and I could meet someone else.”

“I know all that,” Stephanie sighed. “Would Joyce and Elyse accept us and what we’re going to do?”

“Probably not. I’m not saying either of them is anything other than a friend, Squirt. Remember, I’ve always had lots of female friends. Sofia is a perfect example of that. Jennifer was my best friend for a long time before we made love. Melanie was a great friend that I happened to have sex with.”

“I guess that makes sense. But don’t you dare try to replace Jennifer!”

Was that what I was doing? Was I somehow already trying to replace Jennifer?

“Nobody could ever replace Jennifer,” I said. “All we can do is take it a step at a time.”

“That’s true, and it’s not like she’s gone forever.”

That was certainly true. This wasn’t like Birgit, who could never return. This was a separation, much like my trip to Sweden had been.

Then it hit me. The reason I wasn’t so bothered by her absence is that I had done just fine while I was in Sweden without her. Yes, she was still a lifeline, but she had insisted I find someone closer to me, and I had done that. Between Sofia, Suzana, and Pia, I had found the support I needed. Was I doing the same thing she’d told me to do then?